Chapter Text
The sunrays hit past the window, into a faded wallpapered room. It was of decent size, a queens size bed with a closet and a oak drawer. His bed rustled as he moved, his eyes blinking awake. His hands itching to rise and his back itching to stretch. Soap MacTavish rose from his bed, looking out the dirty window, small dust settling around it. The sun hit every particle so Soap could know how much he was avoiding taking care of himself.
He swallowed as he turned to look at his nightstand. On top of it was his beat up phone. Cracked screen with a few scratches along the edges. His phone case dirty and needing a clean. He unplugged it as the phone charger clattered to the wooden floor. He tapped it and saw a blaring message from his best friend. Kyle Garrick, or as most know him, Gaz. Soap let out a sigh and tapped it open. The blue text read:
You need to go out more so I took it upon myself to do that. Tonight we are going out with Alejandro and Rodolfo. 8pm I'll pick you up.
Then a quickly added:
Don't ignore my knocks.
Ever since his breakup with Ghost, which was about 7 months and 7 days ago, not that he was counting. People have been worried of him, he just didn't find the energy to go out anymore or really do much. Now that they were all basically retired, there was really nothing for him to look forward to. Only the checks and the insane reality TV kept him entertained and fed. Retiring from the Army early is always a plus, you are young, and get to do much more. Of course he was called to go back in a few times, but in his recent months, not really. There was an option he agreed to, which almost everyone he knew closely did, agree to be called upon missions that may require them again. Their last one was a year ago, a drug deal gone wrong. They needed experts, and with their expert with the whole Shepherd ordeal, they were indeed experts.
He finally decided to get up fully after a bit of doom scrolling. Nothing good to like, except the trends Gaz was so quick to jump on in. Soap began to walk to his bathroom, his door squeaked open and the lights made him squint in tiredness. It was already 3pm, he basically wasted his whole morning. Oh well, there's nothing he can do about it now. He looked himself in the mirror, his beard overgrown, his mohawk gone, replaced with a head of hair he rarely had. He was unrecognizable.
He ran a hand through his beard, he needed to fix it soon. But, for now, he really needed to brush his teeth and take a shower. A routine he followed almost everyday- Almost. It sort of died when the big break up happened. He was sadder than he ever was before he met Ghost. He knows they weren't good for each other. But he misses him terribly. It was like a bad cut, sure it fades over time, but you can still see the mark in certain lights, and most of the time, it stays there.
Once his shower was over with he changed into a fresh pair of clothes, ones that Ghost had never seen on him. He made sure to separate that in his closet. All the clothes Ghost touched, took off, or even saw where plotted deep within his closet, a big pile that was growing slightly every time Soap saw another shirt or jean that reminded him of Ghost. It was like he was punched in his chest and everyday he bled out more and more.
The afternoon went by in a blur, as all days have been lately. He ate, watched TV, napped, Tv again, and ate. It was a never-ending cycle. He was gaining a few pounds already by not doing exercise anymore. He was just rotting away everyday.
Sudden knocking woke him up from whatever hell he was having in his head. His eyes drifted from the same over show he had been playing over and over again because— at least he knew what to expect, faded from his vision. The knocking got harder.
”Soap? I know you can hear me man.” Gaz spoke through the muffled door.
Finally, Soap woke up from his daze and walked towards the door. He opened it and saw Gaz. He had a leather jacket that was black with a grey shirt. He had a buzz that fit him insanely well, his jeans a dark blue. He looked at Soap with a worried expression once his eyes settled on the man before him.
”Still got the beard huh? It’s gotten bigger.” Gaz tried to say. His tone hesitant to even address it. He looked over Soap’s shoulder, looking at the scenery behind him. It wasn’t much to look at. His house wasn’t messy or unkept, just a few plates on the table and some on the sink. There was two forks and two cups drying on the dish rack, his floor was spotless, despite its dead look. Sure it was clean and all, but it felt dead inside of that house. The stairs up to the small second floor were dark.
“Are you ready?” Gaz questioned, finally looking at him once again.
Soap looked at Gaz’s eyes, he noticed the look. “Uh yeah, this is my outfit if that’s okay.” Soap said as he shrugged.
Gaz nodded almost enthusiastically, sensing Soaps sarcastic tone. “No, yeah mate that’s fine. Just grab a sweater aye? It’s gonna get cold later.”
Soap turned to his jacket rack on the wall next to the door. He grabbed the green sweater he had on there. His eyes caught a glimpse of himself once again near the mirror shelf he had with the rack, he looked insane. He pushed his hair back instinctively.
He then got out and locked the door behind him with a click. Gaz was already down his steps, looking up at the night sky, his breath become small puffs of smoke as he breathed. He was right, it was cold, and it was probably gonna get colder.
Gaz smiled, “Alright, let’s go.”
Soap nodded as he checked his phone for the time. Already counting the seconds in when he would feel sick and ask Gaz to take him home. He knew Gaz only said he would drive so Soap wouldn’t drive home earlier once they weren’t paying attention. Soap nodded in response to Gaz’s question.
“Great. You haven’t seen Rodolfo and Alejandro in ages, come on aren’t you excited?” Gaz tried to hype up the situation as they got to the car. It beeping in attention as he got closer to his drivers side. The door opened with a clack and Soap carefully got in. The car smelled like pine trees and mint. A weird combination that surprisingly worked in his car. None overpowered the other. It was a nostalgic smell. He hasn’t been in Gaz’s car in so long.
Gaz tried to make conversation on the way to the bar. But Soap was just looking outside of the window, watching the lights zoom past them. Dimmed stores signaling closing, people walking down the cold street, cats eating in trash bins, and the cold turning into a light frost. He was thankful for the warm heat coming from Gaz’s air vents. Soap’s cars heater broke a while ago, so he didn’t have the luxury to be warm in his car. Then again it didn’t matter, Soap hasn’t really driven anywhere that far, he simply kept warm. Though, his AC was working completely fine. It was funny, you normally hear of AC’s breaking down instead of heaters inside one’s car. The music hummed as it filled the car once Gaz gave up on conversation.
Before Soap knew it they finally made it to the bar. It was sort of full, with a few spaces available here and there.
”Busy as hell, not surprised since it is Friday.” Gaz commented as he turned his steering wheel.
Soap blinked as some people drunkenly walked to their car. Damn, was it Friday already? He hasn’t exactly been tracking time that way. The way into the bar was easy, it was like little checkpoints in Soap’s head. The bar smelled like alcohol mixed with the scent of pinewood and cigarette smell.
The scent smelled so much of Ghost. It made his heart ache. He swallowed and turned to see his best friend already looking at him. A masked concerned expression. Soap licked his lips and shook his head.
Gaz was about to speak when a voice echoed throughout the room. It was sharp and louder than the chatter around him. Not hard to miss who it belonged to.
”Hey, over here!” Alejandro said with a raised hand. Rodolfo was right next to him, sending a quick text on his phone. They were in a booth drinks already in front of them and some hot wings. Gaz placed a hand behind Soap’s back, ushering him forward with him. Soap forcefully began walking to the booth.
They both sat down adjacent to Rodolfo and Alejandro. Rodolfo finally looked up and looked taken back from Soap’s appearance but he quickly changed his facial expression before Soap could register it. “Soap, how you doing man?” He reached a hand out to greet him. A ‘bro’ shake.
Soap lazily reached out and let their hands clasp as a hello. “Yeah, long time.” His voice came out scratchier than he intended. He cleared his throat.
”Aha, that’s a sign that you need a drink.” Alejandro placed a cup in front of him. Soap looked into the drink, the bubbles fizzing as the yellow beer looked right back at him. Ghost liked beer. He swallowed his hurt and raised the cup to his lips.
Gaz turned away from Soap to Alejandro. “So how’s life” he questioned as he grabbed his own drink.
”Psh, uneventful. You know me, on the other hand Rodolfo here is getting serious with this lady friend of his.” Alejandro teased.
Rodolfo scoffed but began to chuckle as Alejandro wrapped an arm around him and squeezed his shoulder. Rodolfo moving side to side with a laugh. Soap tried to listen to what Rodolfo was saying, yet nothing was registering into his head. Nothing was making sense and it made him sick. Staring at his drink once again, his mind ran with one thought and one thought only. Ghost loved drinking, in fact, it was a big problem in their relationship. Ghost would drink and cry so often he lost count. But each time, he would seek Soap out like he was the best thing that could be there. He would cling like a child, crying for love and affection. Soap selfishly loved it, though he tried to make him quit, deep down he didn’t want him to. He wanted that affection, that affection that was so lost in their relationship.
He drank one, then two, then…he lost count. He tried to drink the sadness eating at his heart. His soul breaking down and rising up with each gulp.
It felt good to feel numb, he was such a lightweight now, he hasn’t had alcohol in months. Not after leaving Ghost. He continued to drink, wanting to know why Ghost loved doing this so much. Wanting to know how his ex-lover drank himself to oblivion, wanting to feel close to him once again. Maybe if he drank hard enough, this time Ghost would appear to comfort him. Maybe this time it would be better.
”Woah mate! Watch your step.” Gaz said as Soap hung to his side woozy. His body swaying back and forth.
”Jesus, he looks gone.” Alejandro commented as he helped Gaz with Soap.
”He looks sad.” Rodolfo mentioned as they walked to Gaz’s car, the keys in his hand. He clicked the keys button to find Gaz’s car with a chime.
Gaz grunted as they moved him to the car, “He always is.” He said in a mutter. Finally they reached the car, Rodolfo opening the passenger side door as Soap plopped inside it. Gaz reached for the seatbelt and quickly put it on Soap.
”He needs help.” Alejandro stated.
Gaz sighed, “Yeah, I know. But we can’t do anything unless he wants the help. Trust me I’ve tried.”
”Right. Well…see ya Gaz. Thanks for coming out with us.” Alejandro patted Gaz’s shoulder as their hands clasped. Gaz returned the gesture and did the same with Rodolfo. Once they parted ways Gaz turned back to a sleeping Soap. His body limp and his breathing even. He looked at him with sad eyes and closed the door with a soft click.
Soap awoke later in the afternoon, his room clean and organized, besides him there was a note. He lifted his arm up, refusing to get up and read it.
Just ask and we will be here. -Gaz
Soap put the note aside and got up with a groan. His head blared in pain. Fuck, how much did he drink last night? With a painful pulsing headache he forced himself out of bed. He unplugged his phone from his charger and began to move around. He walked past his now clean room, his clothes in the hamper and the dusty window now clean. His trash thrown and his room smelling of pinol. It smelled nice. Down the stairs he noticed how his downstairs floor now seemed clean. Sure it was clean before but not this type of clean. It smelled nice and everything was organized back into their place. It made him feel good, surprisingly.
He finally moved to his kitchen. It was clean, his plates all gone and back in their place. The oven was cleaned from grease build up and just random stains. His phone clattered to the small marble island he had in his kitchen, the phone maybe cracking even more. He ignored it and ransacked his cupboard for some ibuprofen. Once he found the medication it fell with a clutter along with other medications. He muttered a quiet ‘fuck’ before bending down to reach for it. As he did he hesitated as he saw an orange pill bottle, the name on it ‘Simon Riley.’ It was pills prescribed to him for his migraines. He often had them because of the stress he was always in, never seeming to let his brain relax. He rarely took them, and often told Soap he’d just tough it out.
That was all their relationship was, toughing it out. Putting up with the hurt, the fights, and everything else because they thought it was love. They were both fools. Both fools who believed to fight is to love, and to argue means there’s passion. Both not knowing what love truly was. Soap clenched the bottle and threw it across the room. He had to change his routine, he had to. He had to get out of his own head. This wasn’t healthy and he knew that. He needed out, he wanted out! Everywhere he turned and everything he saw was Ghost, he loved and breathed Ghost. Something had to change. It had to.
With shaking hands he grabbed his forgotten cellphone in the island of his kitchen and dialed Gaz’s number.
The line rang and finally clicked, “‘Ello?”
Soap’s breath shakes as he cried gently, letting his tears shed. “I can’t do this anymore Gaz, he’s everywhere, he’s in everything. I can’t— I—“ he hicked. “I’ll never fall in love again, I’ll never—“
”Soap…”
”I loved him so much Gaz, I know we weren’t good for each other but when it was good..it was so good. He didn’t do anything to hurt me on purpose— it’s just who he was. And I never meant to hurt him either…it was just— I— I can’t—“
”Soap, listen to me carefully. Love isn’t meant to hurt. It isn’t meant to be one of lasting doubt and neglect. You both were not good for each other. I saw it, everyone saw it Soap. You guys burned for each other and with that flame you also burned each other. Your worst parts of yourself simply emerged together, and it became a habit of you two. I know you loved him Soap, I know you did. But he was not good for you. He wasn’t. I know you know that.”
Soap looked up and leaned on his cabinets. His knees coming up snuggly on his chest.
”You guys did something selfless by breaking up, you admitted it to me that it wasn’t healthy, and that it was a mutual break up. He knew as well as you that it wasn’t a good relationship. I know it hurts Soap, and it will continue to hurt like hell, I know it will. But eventually that hurt will fade and you’ll meet someone better.”
”I don’t want better I want him.” Soap cried out.
Gaz let out a gentle breath, “I know..I know. You both need to heal away from each other right now Soap. You need to heal. You both need to find your selves before even trying to get into a relationship again.”
”What if— what if I get better for him and we get back together?” Soap stuttered.
”You have to get better for yourself, Soap. Not him. Yeah sure, it can be possible for you two to get back together, sure, but you both are unhealed versions of yourselves right now. That isn’t a good base for a relationship Soap, it isn’t.”
Soap cried for a few minutes before muttering out, “I wanted it to be him so bad Gaz.”
”I know Soap, I know.” Gaz sighed into the phone.
He stayed on the line for hours until Soaps crying became quiet breathing. He felt his heart ache and throb and finally settle into a clam abyss of acceptance. The hurt lingered but the acceptance of the breakup came in waves.
”It comes in strong bursts of air, you know? Blowing everything away until there’s nothing left but him. Sometimes it’s a gentle breeze and sometimes it’s a tornado.” Soap said defeated.
”You have to want to heal, Soap. Soon those burrs of wind will become nothing but simply air. But you’ve got to want it.” Gaz said, “You’ve got to want to heal. I can’t help you if you keep digging deeper inside the hole you’re in. Eventually my helping hand will fade in the darkness the deeper you dig.”
Silence then a soft word, “I know.” He looked down at the floor, “I just don’t know how to get out of it.”
“This is a good first step.” Gaz replied.
After that call Soap’s life didn’t make a 360 turn. That’s not how grief works. He eased into it. Slowly becoming more aware of his actions and his habits. He was in a hole, exactly how Gaz predicted. He had the rope to get out, he always had, it was only the act of actually wanting out. The rope burns and exhaustion would hit, but he had to want to get out. So Soap finally tugged at the rope and tried.
His first act was starting a healthy routine, he eased into waking up early and going on jogs. Mostly when it was quiet and alone, which helped him ease into it. It didn’t start off strong, there were days he refused to get out of bed and there were others he would burst out of bed with determination and motivation.
His fridge slowly cleared of empty jugs of milk and expired products to healthy food with some sweet treats. His fridge was finally full for once. Time began to move once again.
Every day he would remind himself it was only temporary that change was hard but it was necessary. Of course at night he would miss Ghost, often reaching over for his phone and stalking all his socials. Hoping to see bits of his life. But he was blocked. So he’d stare at an empty profile for hours, hoping that if he stared hard enough it’d change.
It wasn’t easy. It was really fucking hard. But he was going to do it anyway. He went out more, made new friends, said hi to strangers, smiled more even if he didn’t feel like it.
Then finally he got a therapist, perks of the army. He started digging deep into his trauma and his hurt. Why he acted the way he did and what truly tugged at his heart strings.
Finally Soap agreed to get rid of his beard and messy hair. Which was to everyone’s glee.
”Finally, you are letting me absolutely get rid of this mess.” Alejandro chuckled as Soap sat in his kitchen chair.
”Shut up.” Soap groaned.
”Honestly man, you looked homeless.” Rodolfo chimed from the couch. The TV playing game of thrones. Something they’ve all began watching together every once and a while.
Gaz laughed, “Come on man, dude was heartbroken, let him be.”
Soap chuckled but there was a bit of a pang to his chest. He would be getting rid of hair Ghost last touched, with gentle hands as they slept together in his bed. He closed his eyes and felt his breathing quicken.
Alejandro hesitated at his body language. But Soap’s eyes shot open. “Do it.”
The buzz echoed throughout the room and Soap sharply inhaled as the blade grazed his head.
The haircut was the first thing, he finally got to wear clothes Ghost used to see often. The hurt began to fade. Time moved. His closer was organized and the pile became less and less. He donated old stuff that clearly was not meant to be worn ever again and threw shirts that were raggedy and ripped. Oh, he also got a cat. Yeah, a cat.
”Okay, what the hell is that?” Soap asked as Rodolfo came with a crate and a box filled of toys, food, and other things.
”Well, my girlfriend’s sister had a cat, and the damn cat had kittens so. I thought what best to keep you company than a cat?” He laughed at his front door.
Soap face palmed, “Rodolfo—“
”Please Soap! I don’t want these kittens to get into the wrong hands, I already gave the others to people I trust, this is the last one.” He lifted the crate to see a kitten inside.
”Rodolfo, pets are expensive, how can I take care of it?”
Rodolfo snapped his finger and placed the crate down. “It’s spayed and has all its vaccines. And microchipped! Which is all in this folder.” He said as he ransacked into the box and pulled out a yellow folder.
He stared at the folder then at the crate. There was quiet meowing coming from it. Soap knelt down and stared at the scared kitten in the corner. A black cat with piercing blue eyes. Obviously timid and frightened from being inside a box.
”Fuck, okay fine!” Soap basically yelled. He stood back up.
Rodolfo’s demeanor relaxed and he let out a shaky but happy breath. “You won’t regret it man.”
Soap shook his head and took the crate and let Rodolfo in with the box of a million things inside.
Soon, months turned into years. And the breakup faded behind him. The grief became more of a thought and the hurt turned into healing. His life was fine, full, and happy. He eventually tried some dating apps, which he hated. Dick pics were the worst thing he ever experienced.
He was okay with being alone. In fact, he loves it now. He was alone sure, but not lonely. He had his friends.
It was a peace he had never experienced, the acceptance of it all was frightening so long ago. And now it was just there. It was lovely.
A ringing stopped Soap in his tracks from the frying happening in his kitchen. His cat down at his feet meowing for whatever he was cooking. He turned the stove off and wiped his hands on the cloth hanging from his oven. He reached over and answered it.
”Yo.” He greeted.
”Hey Soap!” A familiar voice greeted. Cheery as always. “We were thinking of going out into the city and going to a restaurant. Alejandro has been whining about eating some good steak. How about it?” Rodolfo asked.
”Hey Rodolfo, yeah sure why not. Gaz is coming?” He asked. His finished chicken now calming down from its sizzle. His cat purred as he brushed past his legs.
”Yup! He said he was looking forward to it.”
Soap nodded, “Alright, then yeah I’m in. Text me the time and address and I’ll be there.” He hung up and put his phone back on the counter.
”Dandelion, stop, you have food in your bowl, come on girl, let’s go.” He shoved her gently with his foot. That only made her meow louder.
Time passed and he was getting ready in his bathroom, making sure he smelled and looked nice. He brushed his hair back and smiled in the mirror. He grabbed his keys and made sure to pet his sleeping cat goodbye. She was knocked out on his bed, claiming ownership.
He got to the place a little early. He made sure to let the waitress know he was expecting a few other people once he was seated. Four menus was placed in front of him. He picked it up and began to scan it. It wasn’t insanely expensive but it was a bit pricey. A meal for himself would cost about 40 dollars, which he was fine with doing he supposed.
He ordered a cup of water and began to look around the restaurant. Parking parallel was absolutely hell but it was just an ‘oh well.’ There was quiet chatter and people in fancy clothing. Dates happening around him and a few other people in business attire. He felt out of place.
There even was a fancy looking bar in the corner of the restaurant with some people near it. Piano music played in the background as people enjoyed their meals.
He checked his phone and texted the group:
Im here. Got a table, just ask for my name and they’ll take you to me.
As he sent that text he finally looked at the people a bit more closely. A woman in her fourties’ with what presumably was her husband, celebrating something over a glass of champagne. In another table was five businessmen men talking and laughing as they clearly looked wasted. Then his eyes fell on a couple around his age and his heart stopped short.
The woman was wearing a beautiful dress and her hair was long and dark. Her eyes a piercing brown that looked hazel in certain lighting. And right across from her were the brown eyes he loved long ago. He looked better, healthier. His gruffy beard was gone and his blonde long hair was now cut short. He had the same scar on his lip and he felt as if time stopped. He was there. A few feet away, laughing at whatever joke the woman was saying. His attire was fancy, a black dress shirt with adequate jeans. His breathing began to fasten. He was right there! He suddenly felt like he was back to his old self, the hurt returned, the pain of the heartbreak came in a gentle breeze.
Brown eyes began to look back.
Soap quickly looked away. His heart hammering in his chest. He grabbed the cold water, hoping to cut his system from going haywire. He began to control his breathing, reminding himself that it was okay. He drank the cold water, letting his brain halt at the feeling of cold ice cubes going down his throat. Melted of course.
”Hey man, hope we didn’t make you wait long.” Rodolfo said as Gaz and Alejandro followed behind.
Soap calmed down and forced a smile, “Nah man it’s okay. It wasn’t that long anyway.” He chuckled as his eyes glanced back at the table.
The blonde man was still talking to his date. Her face focused as he told some type of story. His eyes went back to his group of friends. He reminded himself to focus and be present in the group.
They chatted over anything and ate their expensive and honestly sucky food. Nothing like how Alejandro promised. Which they teased about relentlessly through the night.
The blonde man and his date finally got up and began to walk to the exit. That’s when Alejandro chimed in, “Wait isn’t that—“ He cut himself off with a huff when Rodolfo shoved his side with his elbow.
Gaz’s face fell. Soap waved his hand dismissing what was witnessed and said. “Yeah it was, crazy huh?” He said casually as he picked up his lavender lemonade and put it to his lips. The only thing that tasted good out of this entire meal.
”You okay?” Gaz questioned quietly.
Soap smiled at them, “Guys it’s been years, I’m fine I promise.” He said. Now that he really thinks about it, yeah it’s been 3 years now, about to go on to 4.
”That’s still hell to witness though.” Alejandro said sympathetically.
”What’s hell to witness is how much this check will be with this sucky food.” Soap changed the subject.
Taking the hint, the group moved on. “Yeah, honestly mate, where the hell did you hear this from?” Gaz asked raising a hand confused, a smile playing on his lips.
”Facebook.” Alejandro muttured.
Rodolfo let out a snort and choked on his water, “Facebook? Of course you did.”
Soap laughed along, but his mind was elsewhere.
Once he made it home he collapsed onto his bed almost immediately. His cat happy following past him and laying on his chest once he settled down. He opened his phone to see the group chat.
Alejandro: Sorry guys, next time it’ll be my treat.
Rodolfo: Better be! Let’s try some street tacos, expensive yeah but going into the hands of working people. As well as good food.
Gaz: Honestly I’m in. Set the timeeeeee!
Soap scoffed and replied with a gif. He then closed his messages and opened Instagram. He scrolled through stories and then stopped. He bit his lip and began to type an all familiar username. Once he hit entered there it was. Ghosts profile.
He clicked his username and his breath hitched, the petting of his purring cat stopped. There was now a profile picture, no longer an ‘account not found.’ Of course it was a private account but now it had a profile. It was of a sunset picture. He felt himself breathe out and his cat stirr.
He was unblocked. Then a chat dinged on his phone. He swallowed as he clicked it.
Hey Johnny.
”Fuck.”