Work Text:
Goals:
1:Never EVER be gay
2: Never be fat
3: Find a husband
4: Have kids
5: Teach those kids about God
SUMMER 8 YEARS OLD:
Sitting in an enclosed porch her sister Marie and her father had just gotten into an argument, something about gay people? Whatever that meant.
Marie stormed out of the porch breathing heavily like she might cry, as her dads heavy sigh could be heard for miles.
Her dad looked at her then looked out into the trees that surrounded their house before he spoke. "Summer if you ever like girls I will support you but I will tell you how wrong it is every time I see you"
Summer didn't even know it was possible for girls to like girls, and she didn't want to believe it. So she made a mental note to never be gay all because she didn't want to upset her father.
SUMMER 10 YEARS OLD:
It was the middle of fourth grade for Summer, a grade that was supposed to be carefree and fun, but she had never found it to be that way. She knew she was fat, at least that's what everyone told her.
Summer and her class were going around the room sharing something new about them like they did every morning. Today was a sad day outside as the clouds cried, making tiny thumping sounds the roof.
Summer stared at her desk, muting the voices around her, all she could think about was how big her stomach was, she was fat, and she was ten, what a fucking failure she thought. Her mother wasn't even happy with her body. I mean if your child looked like they were seven months pregnant at the age of ten would you be happy? No, no you wouldn't be. If you knew that you were fat from the age of eight because while you threw away what remained of your lunch, you got called pregnant would you even accept yourself? Probably not.
SUMMER ELEVEN YEARS OLD:
Summer had just began sixth grade, and bulletins for the school musical 'Frozen' were plastered on every wall. She looked up to Marie who did musical theater when she was her age, so she thought she'd give it a shot. She had brought the poster home, showing it to her parents with excitement.
Her mom narrowed her eyes at the poster before looking back at her and with a slight smile saying "It's always good to try new things"
Summer beamed at her mothers comment, because finally, FINALLY she was going to make her parents proud of her.
SUMMER TWELVE YEARS OLD:
It was tech week for Summers school, which came with a LOT of nerves but also a ton of excitement, because even though she didn't have a huge part she was going to make her mom and dad proud.
She had just gotten on her costume and was now standing in front of her friend August as he sat on a lunch table bench facing her.
"You know, you like girls" August had said with such bluntness and confidence that it made Summer stammer on her next words.
"Uh-I, what makes me like girls?" Summer said trying to make herself invisible, because she had already tried explaining to him that she didn't like girls and never will about a million times before.
"Oh you know, your hair, your eyes, your height, your clothes, the way you talk things like that"
Inside she was freaking out. HER liking GIRLS!?! No fucking way, that's a sin, it goes completely against the Bible, she cannot like girls, no matter how hard she tries.
SUMMERS JOURNAL:
10:32pm, May/21/2022
Hi, I don't really know what to say other than I can't like girls. And just because of things I can't control? No, no way do I Summer Loli Terra like girls, nope not happening.
Goodnight future Summer I love you.
9:47pm, May/25/2022
Hi it's me. August talked to me again, some stupid shit about how I MUST like girls because "Well... Look at you" he said. Anyways I don't and I never will, because people who like the same gender go to hell, and I will not be one if those people.
Goodnight Summer, love you❤
10:01pm, May/27/2022
Hi, so today August AND his friends were all saying I was gay, and I'm not. I'm so sick an tired if this, I just want this to end.
I had a smart idea I'll tell them I'm gay to get them off my chest, so that way HOPEFULLY they will shut up.
Thank me later summer, bye.
SUMMER TWELVE YEARS OLD:
Summer was sitting in her grandparents dining room as her, her family, and grandparents ate around the table. Everyone was hungrily eating their dinner, as Summer reached over with her right hand to get a second helping.
Her father stopped her arm, and Summers eyes followed his arm to his eyes as he said "Don't get seconds anymore you're getting too fat, you need to learn how to not be so... Big"
So there it started from that moment on in June her summer dieting would start, and she was excited because she was finally going to be skinny.
SUMMERS JOURNAL:
11:12pm , June/21/2023
Mom and Dad said I needed to go on a diet, and I am so EXCITED, because this means I will FINALLY not got comments about "how fat I am"
Goodnight Summer, love you!
SUMMER TWELVE YEARS OLD:
It was the end of summer, and Summer had been on her diet for about two months now, there was some improvement, but nothing crazy like she had hoped.
Summer was currently wrapped in her blankets crying, because why the fuck did she now look like she was about to give birth when she was only twelve. She wanted and needed comfort so she brought her sniffling form down the stairs and to the first floor where her parents room was.
As her toes touched the tan carpet she could overhear her parents talking and it sounded... Like they were talking about her.
"I just don't know why this isn't working. She's on a diet but she looks the same I don't know what to do anymore, she's just gonna keep... Growing" Summers heart raced, why were her parents, the people that are supposed to love her for who she is talking about her like she's the biggest person in the world? Why does she have to be so fucking fat, that not even her parents can accept her?
SUMMER THIRTEEN YEARS OLD:
Her and her dad were in the car heading towards a second hand bookstore in another state.
"Summer do you know what the word gay means?" Her father said turning down his country music.
"Yes"
"It means when a man and a man like each other or when a woman and a woman like each other" Her father paused for a few seconds before speaking again, "Those people need serious help, I seriously believe that they need to go into mental hospitals".
For Summer those words stuck. She knew it was a sin to be gay, but to go to a mental hospital??? No fucking way.
SUMMERS JOURNAL:
9:31pm, June/27/2024
I was in the car with dad and he said that people who are gay should go to mental hospitals. I think that's wrong, and I don't even think I like girls anymore. So this is my formal " coming out" again thingy, anyways I am straight
Goodnight Summer ❤
SUMMER THIRTEEN YEARS OLD:
Summer had just started school again and now it was the perfect time to tell the world (her school) that she was straight. Slowly she started telling everyone that she only liked guys and that liking girls was a stupid descion she made, because it was a sin.
***
It had been about a month since she had basically told the whole grade that she was straight again, and things were not going well AT ALL.
Every single day there was someone else who made fun of her for ever saying that she liked girls in the first place. She had tried to escape them but it was no use, she's stuck in a never ending cycle of hate, and she can never get out of it.
SUMMERS JOURNAL:
12:20am, November/12/2024
I was hanging out with Liv today and it was so fun! We had watched this movie and these two girls were kissing, and I really hate to admit it, but I got sort of a tingly feeling inside? I don't know. But what I do know is that being gay is a sin and I will never ever kiss a girl.
Goodbye Summer
8:34pm, May/29/2024
Today I had a birthday party, and it was WILD.
Liv owns a pool, and me and our friends were in it, we were playing a game of "if you don't guess the color I'm thinking of I dunk you under the water" and when it was my turn I picked Liv. We were all laughing and joking around when she said I love you, and we had both made a kissy face towards each other, and then our lips actually met.
I kissed a girl, I fucking kissed a girl.
Anyways I came home and I told dad, and he said that if I don't repent then I'm going to hell, now I'm crying because I just kissed a girl on accident.
Goodnight Summer
2:22am, July/9/2025
I think I like girls
I'm going to hell I don't know what to do.
I've realized I don't believe in anything of what the church believes and I'm so scared because this is all I have.
Bye
3:16am, August/ 17/2025
I don't know what to do I like girls But I'm so scared, I don't want to tell my parents I never want to come out to them.The thought of having a girlfriend and telling my parents is absolutely horrifying to me I never even want to think about that because I know dad will feel so aggravated with me and he'll get super super mad at me and I know mom will just be really disappointed in me and I can never win in my life. "How can you be fat and be gay?" That's what dad told me and I just I don't know I don't know anymore and I'm so done with this I don't want to be in this family anymore and I've always gotten comments about my body I've always been bullied about my body ever since second grade I'm going on my 7th year of being bullied for being fat and I cannot take it anymore I don't eat breakfast I don't eat lunch and I eat dinner but I just can't take this anymore.
I wish I had parents that were accepting and I wish I was that type of person who just knew what I was right away I don't want to be gay or fat I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!
-Summer
SUMMER 14 YEARS OLD:
Summer had found solace in music. She specifically listened to Wishbone an album by Conan gray, and Family Line a song also by Conan Gray. The lyrics were so true to how she felt about her life, that the only thing that didn't make her go crazy were those songs.
***
Summer was lying in bed facing her ceiling, as she talked to one of her friends.
"You don't have to know what you are" Her friend stated.
"Yeah but I hate not knowing, maybe I'm pansexual? I mean.. Like I don't care who or what gender they go by, I will love them for who they are"
"Summer I can't choose for you, it is your chose, but I will love you either way"
"ok"
***
Summer just wanted an answer, she didn't want to be in this stage of unknown. If she liked girls and guys then there has to be some title out there that she fits into, right?
***
SUMMERS JOURNAL:
3:21am, April/23/2026
I finally feel comfortable. I've accepted the fact that I like both girls and guys and that there's no title that I see fit right now. It's hard to explain, but I think I'm finally comfortable with being unlabeled. That's the one label in about three years that has felt like me, and im ok with that. I have a group that supports me. and if my parents don't, at least my friends will.
Goodbye, Summer
7:06pm, June/4/2026
Dad is making me read a book about gender, and about how gender is all bad. I guess we're going out for breakfast to talk about it once a week. Wish me luck future Summer.
11:14am, July/7/2026
It's me and dad's third time going out to breakfast to talk about the book. and today I asked him "If me or Marie were to come out as gay or trans what would you do?" And he just told me that he would feel disappointed, and that he failed as a parent. and now I'm crying because no one in my family will ever love me. No one will love me for the fact I like girls no matter how hard I wish on 11:11, I will never ever escape my family line.
Goals:
1: Be happy
2: Marry whoever I want
3: Have kids
4: Teach those kids that no matter where they go in life their mom will support them no matter what