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The Debutantes of Durmstrang is the TV show which has most greatly blighted Viktor Krum's star spangled life, and most greatly given him romantic hope. Unlike most of his co-stars, he was famous before his agent signed him up, and he'll be famous long afterwards. Real fame too, the sort that comes from being part of the ‘circus’ in Bread & Circuses.
“You're not even famous. You're not even a member of the cast. You're a producer.” He says, to his producer bestie, after getting out of the confession booth, where he told several hundreds of millions of people all about his love for one of the other contestants, an act that certainly cannot be used against him.
“Yes, Vitya, and as a producer, I can and will ruin your life,” answers Yuri, who just so happens to be the son of the executive producer, and the grandson of the megacorp CEO, a megacorp which, via a Byzantine network of shell corporations, faux entities and front businesses, also happens to own the Bulgarian National Quidditch team. “Also, unlike you, I am very good looking.” he says, without any discernible expression. Facial expressions cause fine lines, after all.
The fuzz on Viktor's thuggish head bristles. “I am good looking too! Witch Weekly said so!”
“And your mom.”
“And your mom!”
The young men get into a fist fight in a narrow corridor half barricaded by camera equipment. The ratings rise.
Five minutes later, Viktor, now with bad boy bruising adding to his general attractiveness, finds himself on deck with his fellow contestants, all of them facing the main mast, which is as thick and tall as the tree it is made from.
“Debutantes, the boat has a new task for you today.” Simpers one of the hosts, who play-pretends to be a professor, a Love Professor, there to teach them how to attract a mate by performing stupid and absurd tasks for no reason but humiliation.
“It's a ship, not a boat.” Viktor mutters, flicking his gaze at his crush, one Alina Ivanovna Lebedeva, the most beautiful girl in the world. The fact that they share the same patronymic is for him a sign of mutual love, a sign that they are meant to be together, come what may. Come fire, thunder, and other loves. Especially come some unfortunate connection to the executive producer.
Speaking of him, he arrives from the extended nap he's been enjoying, his black hair freshly tousled by the hands of sea nymphs hair stylists. When the cameras focus on him he winks sinisterly, but lets the Love Professor do the actual work.
“Today, in this fine weather-” the man gestures at the nightmarish storm surrounding the ship, pitch black and lashing the swim-suited contestants with rain. “-you shall be hoisting the sails. An extremely arduous job. Because of the presence of the fairer members of the human race and their lack of strength, we will be splitting boys and girls evenly across two teams. A and B-”
"Move, bitch, out of my way.” hisses Viktor Krum at the contestants bracketing him. There is no way in hell he's ending up on Team B. Even if Alina were on it, he might find himself constitutionally unable to be anywhere but on A. Knocking over several C-List celebrities such as one 'Harry Potter', he elbows his way over to the lines marked with a huge flashing ‘A’, grabbing the first one, his expression preternaturally similar to that of a honey badger.
The ratings rise, and the producers exchange subtle glances with the host. The words ‘we shall allow it' seem to drift silently across the wooden floor of the deck, along with the footsteps of the rest of the contestants as they take their places. Fortuitously, as another sign that he is destined to marry her one day, Alina ends up directly behind Viktor.
“Now sing, monkeys sing!” Barks the executive producer, both he and the producer baring their teeth nastily at the exact same moment.
“Heave ho!” Laughs the host, unfit but good looking men and women hauling on ropes to raise many thousands of feet of heavy cloth into the air.
"Hooray, the black flag rises! Hooray, the black flag rises! Hooray the black flag rises, early in the morning!”