Archive of Our Own

Anyone who saw the scene unfolding in the Walkers’ backyard would have thought CC looked pathetic. Maybe even her own family thought the same as they watched the woman use her body as a shield for her little brother and point angrily at the ground, accusing it of hurting little Miles. She herself felt pathetic when she noticed her wife’s gaze on her, laughing as she leaned against the doorframe.

But at least the boy clinging to her legs had already stopped crying. He was now amused by the grass being scolded for scraping his knee after a fall. Nothing aggressive. Just the reassurance that he had someone who would protect him and take care of his injury.

His little blue eyes were only a bit damp when CC picked her brother up to carry him inside and deal with the small boy’s indecision over which band-aid was the prettiest. She paused briefly as she approached Cairo to give her a tender kiss and ask, in a playful tone, whether her wife regretted the marriage. She felt slightly embarrassed by the whole display. But Cairo wasn’t lying when she answered with a smile that she had no regrets at all.

In fact, Cairo suspected that right there was the proof she had made the right choice in marrying that woman. She felt not a single shred of shame about the scene she had just witnessed. Deep down, she felt the warmth of the kind of care she had never received in her own childhood, and she began to quietly wish that days like this would become part of her everyday life.

In the weeks that followed, the image of Miles’s amused laughter through his tears kept taking Cairo back to the moments when she had stumbled as a child and her mother had seemed more concerned with making her presentable again than with her feelings. She remembered when she had started crying only when she was alone so she wouldn’t seem too dramatic or be accused of seeking attention. Any small action had been reason enough for her to be scolded, never comforted.

The moment she saw her wife’s affection and care for her brother, she realized she carried inside her an almost brutal need to go back in time and give that to the little girl she had once been. Under her skin she could feel the pain of those invisible, nearly incurable scars. It was literally keeping her awake at night.

Yet she remained silent, unsure how to explain how much that small gesture had scrambled her thoughts. She knew she could no longer protect the child she had once been. But she could be the one to make sure at least one child had a different fate.

After tossing and turning in bed for so long in the middle of the night, trying to push away the idea that felt far too early for a recent marriage, she decided to go to the kitchen. A little tea might help. She was turning off the stove when she felt her wife’s warmth wrap around her from behind in a hug.

“Hey, Cairiño,” CC called, her voice rough with sleep as she used the nickname that had come from her attempts to learn Spanish, a little play on Cairo’s name. “Can’t sleep again?”

Cairo nodded slowly, resting her head on her wife’s shoulder. With her eyes closed, she felt CC’s kisses on her face, full of love and perhaps a touch of concern.

“Chamomile tea should do the trick,” she said, opening her eyes again to pick up the kettle and reluctantly pull away from her wife’s embrace. “Want some?”

It took CC a few seconds for her brain to register the absence of the warmth in her arms. Finally she shook her head, simply watching with careful attention as Cairo poured herself a cup.

“I’m worried about you,” she admitted without preamble. She was tired of pretending she didn’t notice those dark eyes looking distant when they had always been so present. “Is something bothering you?”

“No,” Cairo answered almost immediately, bringing the tea to her lips with practiced calm, as if to prove her point. She ignored, however, the fact that the liquid was still far too hot, burning her mouth the second it touched her.

She jerked the cup away in a quick motion, as if she’d just been shocked. And before she could even set it back on the table, CC’s warm fingers cradled her face, tilting Cairo’s head toward the kitchen light.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk,” she said, gently stroking the other woman’s small lips. She knew the impulsive act of not waiting for the tea to cool was purely a way to escape a conversation they needed to have. She couldn’t hide the clear worry in her blue eyes.

“You need to relax a little, mi amor,” Cairo advised, curving her lips into that crooked smile that usually disarmed any insecurity in CC. It was hard to stay focused when she had a glimpse of those dimples right in front of her.

“Can’t I be a worried wife?” CC protested, completely melted by Cairo’s charm. “I don’t like seeing you so spaced out, Cairiño. You’re not like that.”

Her thumb gently traced the constellation of freckles on one of her wife’s cheeks, making Cairo close her eyes at the caress.

“I know,” she admitted in a whisper that was almost inaudible.

“Then let me help you?” CC asked in that voice that radiated affection. “Tell me what’s going on. Or at least what I should do.”

But Cairo didn’t know how to explain that her mind was drifting toward a future that probably wasn’t ready to become real yet. Not so soon, when they had been married for less than four months and had never had a serious conversation about plans to start a family. Still, when she looked into her wife’s calm blue eyes, her fears crumbled, replaced by the certainty that this was a safe space to speak.

“I’ve been thinking…” she began, too insecure to get straight to the point. “When we were at your parents’ house and you were ‘defending’ Miles from the ground…”

She couldn’t. The words seemed to die before they left her mouth.

“Yeah, I suspected you’d regretted the marriage,” CC joked before the silence hanging in the air could become uncomfortable. She ran her thumb over the freckles on Cairo’s face, encouraging her to continue.

“I remembered when I was Miles’s age,” she confessed between a sigh. “I remembered when I used to fall and… it hurt a little. I realized I needed someone more like you and less like my parents.”

CC’s expression softened gradually, almost serving as a balm for the woman sitting in front of her.

“Cairiño,” she called in a calm tone, kneeling between her wife’s legs with that look of devotion that never failed to disarm her. “You’re not alone anymore. I know you’re not a child, but if you ever need someone to fight the ground for you, I won’t hesitate for a second before doing it.”

“You’re an idiot!” Cairo laughed, giving the blonde a light swat on the shoulder.

“But I’m your idiot. I thought I’d made that clear when I started wearing a ring with your name on it. If that wasn’t enough, maybe I need to make it clear one more time,” she said, opening a smile full of admiration. “I love you, Cairo, and nothing you want will be impossible for me. I promise.”

“Anything I want?” Cairo repeated more to herself, as if trying to grasp the scale of what was being offered.

“Anything,” CC assured her.

“And what if I say that sometimes I feel a certain emptiness? That sometimes I feel a strange need to… take care, maybe? Not the kind of care we have for each other, but to be truly responsible for some little being, to know what it’s like to be a safe harbor.”

“You mean a cat or a dog?”

“No, CC.” A sigh left Cairo’s lips, finally giving her the courage to say what had been tormenting her for weeks. “I mean a baby.”

Despite the steadiness built from years of soccer, CC’s legs almost gave out, nearly throwing her off balance. She blinked once, twice, three times, and found in her wife’s dark eyes only expectation, with no sign of a joke.

“Are you sure?” CC wanted to know, fully aware of the seriousness of the subject. One that, this time, didn’t allow her to hide behind a joke to ease the tension starting to eat at her bones.

Cairo hesitated for a moment before nodding firmly. She was aware that the timing wasn’t ideal for that conversation, but she was tired of running.

“I know it seems rushed, and I understand if you think it’s too soon. We’re young, we just got married… but I really thought about it for a while, and I want to have a family with you.”

CC filled her lungs slowly, staring into the dark eyes that shone with a mixture of fear and hope, capable of breaking any armor. In an act of surrender, the blonde rested her arms on Cairo’s lap and laid her head there. She was still weighing things carefully, trying to analyze the pros and cons, but part of her had already been won over by her wife’s charms.

“It’s impossible to say ‘no’ to you, you know?” she muttered, making Cairo break into a smile.

“Is that a ‘yes’?!”

“Yes, Cairiño. I already had plans to have a family with you. We’re just going to do it a little earlier than I had thought.” CC lifted her head, feeling Cairo’s hands in her blonde hair. “But let’s take it slow, okay? I need to figure out the best way to balance everything, because if we’re really going to do this, I want to be present too.”

The smile widening on Cairo’s face was the best reward CC could receive. Nothing compared to the pleasure of seeing her wife happy.

“All right, I can wait a little,” Cairo whispered, leaning in to kiss CC’s face.

“And just to be clear, when I said I’d do whatever you want, that doesn’t include murders or anything that would risk my first-offender status.”

A loud laugh cut through the air a second later.

“I’m not going to get you arrested, CC!”

“Just making sure,” she joked, raising her hands in surrender before standing up and leaving a chaste kiss on Cairo’s lips. “Now drink your tea and let’s go back to bed, please. I just need one full night cuddled up to you without worrying about being abandoned again and left alone in the middle of the night.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“And you love me anyway.” She smiled at her wife, and even though the words that left her mouth carried no seriousness, both of them knew that CC’s conviction in that moment came from something that didn’t need to be spoken to be real.

[...]

Cairo’s wait didn’t stretch on for long — just long enough for her wife to organize her athlete’s routine around the plans of becoming a mother. Still, being consumed by anxiety was inevitable during the few days that followed until the first appointment, and then with each of the preliminary exams, when waiting for the results felt like an experience converted into agony, almost torture.

And yet, a woman could hardly consider herself unlucky when she had CC Walker by her side through every one of those moments, squeezing her hand like an anchor, proof that reality could be just as incredible as the most beautiful of dreams. Maybe even more.

No dream could have reproduced with exact precision those blue eyes so focused on absorbing every detail of the procedure, only so that later she would be completely confident handling the injectors with surgical precision before the first application. It was less frightening when the smell of antiseptic in the air was accompanied by the devotion of a dedicated and affectionate wife, incapable of passing any judgment when she came face to face with the fear Cairo tried to camouflage the first time the needle glinted under the kitchen light.

There was no pressure from CC — only patience until her wife took the initiative to lift her own nightgown, assuring her with a nod that, despite the apprehension, she was ready for the next step. Still, she couldn’t prevent the slight tremor when she felt the cold cotton wipe the area just below her navel, almost an announcement of what was about to come.

When the needle pierced her skin, Cairo let out her breath slowly, relaxing her muscles as she realized her fear had been over nothing more than an insignificant prick. The unpleasant part, however, followed right after, with a sharp burn that seemed to spread, hot. She wanted to cry. She gripped the counter and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, until CC’s voice filled the silence, giving her the comfort she needed with her presence until the needle was withdrawn.

Cairo’s dark eyes shone with unshed tears when CC wrapped her in a hug, covering the face of the woman she loved with kisses and the silent promise of never leaving her alone — something that didn’t need to be spoken to be kept. She stayed there, being the support that held her wife upright so she wouldn’t collapse, even when her own body was tired.

When she administered the last dose of the medication days later, CC begged in a petulant little groan to never have to do that again. And despite the humorous tone of her request, it was clear how much she truly longed for the day she wouldn’t have to watch Cairo’s eyes nearly overflow with every puncture in her skin, without realizing that her physical pain was an invisible knife that sank deep into her wife’s chest, right in the most intimate place, where the wounds weren’t exposed.

But that day she realized she wasn’t the only one trying to be strong. Behind the reward kisses, the words whispered with affection, and the childish teasing far too childish for a woman who intended to have a baby, there was an attempt to push any suffering away from Cairo as quickly as possible so she wouldn’t prolong her own. In every small gesture of CC’s, there was a kind of care different from anything her wife had ever experienced, yet it gave her the certainty that she was loved.

Despite not understanding why, Cairo was unable to hold back the tears that had only threatened to fall since the first injection. Maybe it was the high dosage of hormones in her body, or maybe she was just too sensitive to feel like the luckiest person in the world for having CC Walker by her side. The only certainty was that it wasn’t a cry of pain.

It was far from that and much closer to a wish come true. A wish in which they had already taken the first big step and which, although there was no guarantee of a successful ending, carried a fire of hope that was almost impossible to extinguish — even when the couple had to suppress their own expectations and try to slow down the anxiety that insisted on consuming them. Especially once a healthy embryo had already been transferred into Cairo’s uterus.

It was tempting to resort to a pregnancy test, even though the result wouldn’t be reliable in that case. The only alternative was to wait for the clock hands to turn after the blood test had been done.

The hours seemed stuck, defective, refusing to move the complete opposite of CC, who had not only taken her phone off silent for any news from the clinic, but was restless enough that she couldn’t stay still even while sitting. Part of Cairo wanted to laugh at the scene, while the other part worried at seeing the anxiety in those blue eyes in a way she had never witnessed before. Not even during her first official match.

“Walker!” Cairo called in a scolding tone, loaded with concern for the blonde woman who was biting her short nails.

“Walker? I’m not ‘Walker,’” CC complained, almost pouting in frustration. At least she had moved her hand away from her mouth for a moment.

“Oh, you’re not?”

“Not to you.”

“And what should I call you, then?” she asked as she approached, teasing, resting her hands on the other woman’s shoulders to draw her attention—but it didn’t take long to realize that CC’s head was too far away for the gears in her brain to process any signal of flirting.

“Mi amor?” she suggested, as if her wife had forgotten the obvious, with a genuine innocence that was almost comical. A bucket of cold water for someone who had intended to seduce her. “That’s what you call me.”

“All right, mi amor,” Cairo emphasized the nickname, opening a gentle smile. “I just need you to calm down a little. Biting your nails isn’t going to make time go faster.”

“Sorry,” CC groaned, pressing her lips together. She knew she wasn’t the only one waiting for that result, and she also knew her visible agitation was a reason for concern. “I couldn’t help it.”

“I know,” Cairo assured her, her voice almost a whisper as she stroked the other woman’s athletic arms in the bedroom, trying to figure out how to keep her calm. “Maybe you’ll relax a bit if you take a hot shower.”

“But… what if they call?”

“If they call, I’ll answer. Right now I need you to breathe a little and try to ease that tension in your muscles, or I’m going to end up getting restless right along with you. Can you do that for me?”

CC hesitated, afraid of missing a single second of that discovery, but she knew Cairo was right. She also couldn’t deny a single request from those dark eyes, especially when she knew her wife was right. Even reluctantly, she agreed, locking herself in the bathroom and letting the shower water wash the weight of the tension from her body.

In just a few minutes she was back in the bedroom, lighter than before, with damp hair and the soft scent of soap clinging to her skin. Her brain was still agitated, but it seemed to have slowed enough for her to process the biological need to fill her lungs with air. She was ready to thank her wife for it when she noticed the woman near the bed, eyes fixed on the dark screen of the phone.

The clinic had called. She didn’t need to ask to know.

“Cairiño?” she called, her voice failing with a fear she had to face in that moment.

“The clinic called,” Cairo said, blinking, almost as if she were outside of reality.

CC didn’t say that she already knew, didn’t ask why her wife hadn’t shouted for her in the shower, nor made any gesture to rush her into speaking. even when her heart seemed to pound so hard that the athlete could hear her own heartbeat. She approached in slow steps, preparing herself for the only two possible scenarios.

The agony in her chest ceased with the curve of a smile on Cairo’s lips — the answer she needed to understand that a small life was growing in her womb.

“It worked?!” CC practically stated, letting out a sigh broken by the happiness stamped on her face.

“We’re going to be moms!” Cairo celebrated, her voice thick with emotion. “We did it.”

With trembling hands and vision blurred by tears, CC closed the little distance that still remained between them, wrapping Cairo in her arms. In that moment, she wasn’t just holding the woman she loved, but also the little being that was a part of them both, and there was nothing in the world that could compare to that.

[...]

There is a subtle, almost imperceptible, difference between when a decision is made solely with the intention of pleasing someone and when the desire capable of making the loved one happy is converted into one’s own. In both cases there is genuine excitement about the feeling provoked in the other person, but only one of them is capable of sparking the real enthusiasm of experiencing every small achievement.

Perhaps, at first, there had been a spark of doubt about the impulse that could make a player as young as CC, at the beginning of her career, be willing to turn her entire routine upside down to have a baby. The answer could have been the smile on Cairo’s face — she had probably thought that. However, there was something more in every time she came home with shining eyes, carrying stuffed animals, the misleading promise of some children’s product salesman, or matching family t-shirts.

She cried every time she heard the baby’s heartbeat, with the proof that a life was truly growing there, then complained that the pregnancy was making her far too emotional when she felt their child’s movements in her wife’s belly. Cairo just laughed, reminding her of who was actually gestating. She was incapable of denying or disguising how enchanted she was by the low, almost whispered voice making plans for the future at the end of the day, leaving a huge empty space in the couple’s bed so she could nestle as close as she could.

Deciding to wait for the birth itself to reveal the sex of the newest member of the family had been a purely tactical decision, meant to reduce CC’s shopping options and control her impulses.

But it hadn’t worked when it came to the most varied toys. It was no surprise when a doll that cost a fortune appeared, followed by the justification that it would be useful for Cameron to learn about caregiving; nor when a ball was found inside the crib, with the excuse that Cora would love soccer just as much as mommy.

When she saw her wife sneaking down the hallway carrying a box almost bigger than she was, Cairo let out a sigh that was half a suppressed laugh and half despair. When she decided she wanted to be a mother, it certainly hadn’t been in her plans to have to set limits for the woman she had married—although she probably should have imagined it from the beginning.

“Walker!” she shouted in a scolding tone, sitting up slowly on the bed, her belly weighing a little. “What did you bring this time?”

“Nothing!”

But the frustrated groan that left her lips was a clear indication that she was aware of having been caught and of the possible reprimand.

“I saw the box,” Cairo stated, staring at the floor with no desire whatsoever to get up. “Come here, mi amor.”

The affectionate tone in the woman’s words was a balm for CC, but even so she seemed to hesitate as she stepped into the room with the expression of a child who had just been caught eating candy before dinner.

“It’s just a little car,” CC explained, approaching slowly.

“A ‘little car’ bigger than you?”

“A car that our baby will be able to drive.”

“You know the baby in question is still inside me, right? And when it comes out, it’s going to take a while before it can even support its own neck enough to just sit in that thing you bought.” Cairo rested her hand on her wife’s face, which melted under her touch.

“I know, Cairiño. But I think it’s only fair that Charlotte knows she’s going to be a powerful woman,” CC said, her voice overflowing with pride, her chest inflating for a brief moment before the smile was replaced by a grimace of distaste. “And that’s a terrible name. It has the energy of a spoiled little rich girl, doesn’t it?”

“Exactly what this baby is going to become if it depends on you.”

“That’s not true,” she shot back, narrowing her eyes. “Maybe a little. But I can make an exception and put up with a spoiled little rich girl if she’s our Charlotte.”

Cairo couldn’t hold back her laughter when she saw CC lean down to kiss her rounded belly and then rest her face against it, closing her eyes. The baby was probably able to sense its mother’s presence, and it didn’t take long to greet her with a kick to the cheek that made her smile.

“I think that’s a protest against the name you suggested, mi amor.” Cairo smiled, running her hand through the other woman’s messy blonde hair.

“Or maybe it’s a boy. How about Caleb?”

“I think we should come up with a name that actually means something instead of just drawing random ones that pop into your head.”

“Caleb has to have a good meaning,” CC argued with a frustrated little pout as she fished her phone out of her pocket to prove her point with a quick Google search.

When her forehead furrowed at the result and her mouth stayed shut, Cairo had to take the phone from her hands to see for herself what she had found.

“Dog?!”

“Faithful,” CC corrected. “It’s a good name, Cairiño.”

“No, it’s not.” Cairo burst out laughing and pulled her wife in for a consoling kiss. “And I think you need to explain this obsession of yours with the letter C. I’ve lost count of how many names you’ve suggested that only start with that letter.”

“I thought it was obvious that it would feel a little weird to give our kid a different initial. My name starts with C, yours does too, so why wouldn’t the baby’s?”

“Because… it’s not a rule?” Cairo tried.

“But, Cairiño, just imagine: Cairo, CC, and Olivia, for example.”

“I wouldn’t put a name that means ‘olive’ on our baby.”

“That’s not the point. It’s that it doesn’t feel like a piece that fits. It feels more like an intruder in something that’s harmonious, and our baby isn’t an intruder. This little thing growing inside you is exactly the missing piece that will light up our lives even more.”

Light up. Something considered clear and bright, just like the future being built alongside the person you love.

Cairo blinked slowly, caressing her wife’s face between a sigh of tenderness and a smile that only a woman in love could awaken.

“All right, you win this time. But only because that sappy speech of yours made me think of something.”

“And are you going to tell me or keep me in suspense?”

“Claire,” she said simply, without further explanation. There was no need to explain when the meaning of such a strong name was capable of shining right along with it.

“Claire,” CC repeated slowly, curving her lips into a smile. “It sounds perfect for our little light.”

“We have a decision. If it’s a girl, it’ll be Claire.”

“If it’s a boy, Colin.”

“You’re spitting out the first name that comes into your head again,” Cairo accused.

“Colin has to mean something pretty. It can’t be anything like ‘dog.’”

Determined to prove her point, the athlete quickly reached for her phone and typed the name into the search bar. Cairo simply watched her wife press her lips together when the result appeared.

“It means dog, doesn’t it?”

Hesitant, CC nodded, making a frustrated little pout as she showed the phone screen to her wife.

“But at least it’s a puppy. It’s not that bad.”

“It’s not bad,” Cairo stated. “It says here it also means ‘victorious.’ Actually, it’s good. I think I like Colin.”

“Really?!” The blue irises shone, the pupils expanding inside them.

“Really, mi amor. Colin is going to the top of our priority list for names. At least until you decide some other name that means ‘dog’ is better.”

“I won’t,” CC assured her.

“Great. Because I think we really need to start thinking about definitive names and take a break from buying toys,” Cairo reminded her. “Whether it’s Claire or Colin, it doesn’t matter. But this baby doesn’t need a car when it hasn’t even left the belly yet. For now we just need to make sure it has diapers, clothes, and hygiene products.”

“But you’re already doing that, Cairiño.”

“Walker!”

“All right. Understood.” CC laughed, raising her palms in surrender. “Can I at least show you the car? It was a good purchase, I swear you’ll like it. It’s perfect for our baby.”

She didn’t wait for an answer before practically skipping out toward the hallway. Cairo just laughed, resting a hand on her full belly while whispering to the little being moving inside her that one of its mothers probably needed a few limits before its arrival.

[...]

Managing to close her eyes and sleep had become a mission considered impossible in the final stretch of the pregnancy, when the struggle to find the ideal position was irritating enough to sweep away any sign of sleep, and a single groan of frustration was enough to alarm CC, who—even exhausted—would get up just to make sure her wife wasn’t showing signs that she would be bringing a little life into the world in the next few hours.

Most of the time she kept her eyes open with some effort so Cairo could have company. She talked between yawns, almost always losing the thread of what she was saying and having to start over with something new, but she never allowed loneliness to approach the safe harbor that was that bedroom while the calm still existed.

For CC, there was the certainty that Colin or Claire would be synonymous with chaos. It was the least she imagined from the restless baby that already seemed bothered by the tight space in its mother’s womb. It had become common to hear complaints about the strong kicks those little feet were capable of delivering. Probably for that reason there was no sign of surprise when the first contractions came in the middle of the night.

Those blue eyes were present every time Cairo searched for them when she felt a new wave of pain. Even with her pulse racing and the fear of not knowing what to do, CC was there, whether stroking her wife’s back under the hot water of the shower or holding her hand when, already in the morning, the sweat of exhaustion dampened her forehead.

And then… the strength that should have been responsible for supporting an athlete’s body drained away in tears when the sharp cry of a new life tore through the room.

Soon a small, warm little bundle was placed on Cairo’s chest, with dark, damp strands stuck to its scalp, while the tiny fingers waved in the air amid the crying. There it was, the light the couple had dreamed of.

Fragile. Small. Claire seemed to be announcing her arrival with the loud sound of her cries, without any idea of how much that sound could mean. The newcomer had become, without a shadow of a doubt, the center of her mothers’ universe.

But the new reality was capable of being just as frightening as it was enchanting.

That same cry that at first had sounded like a melody began to terrorize the early hours and steal not only nights of sleep, but also the attention of a dedicated wife who gradually molded herself into the role of mother, as if nothing in the world besides her baby had any importance.

CC didn’t just put Claire to sleep — she spent the following minutes next to the crib to make sure her daughter was still breathing. Little by little she began to decipher the meanings behind every little cry so she could attend to them the right way and not overload Cairo with the needs of that tiny being.

She was trying to deal with the fact that, as time passed, the dark eyes of the woman she loved were becoming dull, possibly too exhausted by the routine for any of her smiles to reach them. But she couldn’t deny that it was also draining to put in the effort of reading between the lines of the silence and trying to understand alone what another person needed.

Maybe the melancholy was just a consequence of the postpartum period, something CC had already read about after hearing her own mother’s experiences. She researched, made an effort to make it clear that her wife was doing well in order to push away any insecurity that circled her.

And it wasn’t enough.

Maybe she was doing something wrong.

Maybe she asked too many questions about things she could research on her own.

Maybe she needed to be faster at comforting the baby during the early hours.

Maybe she was a terrible mother and wife.

In the second month, it was noticeable in the way Cairo held her daughter’s tiny hand while nursing her that there was sincere affection in her gestures.

The problem wasn’t Claire and never had been. How could it be, when a past without her seemed so empty? That little girl with dark hair and blue eyes was like the sun that warmed the cold days.

All the pieces of that puzzle were there, possibly just jumbled by the adjustment to a new routine, but with time they would learn to fit them into the right places. That was the thought that brought comfort to CC when, before lying down in bed, she felt her wife’s hands wrap around her body from behind, resting on her abdomen.

Cairo scattered kisses across the muscles of the other woman’s back, tracing a path up to the curve of her neck, where she paused to nibble at the exposed skin.

“You smell good,” she said in a whisper, inhaling the floral scent of a freshly taken bath that emanated from her wife.

“You think so?” CC asked, almost moaning at another bite before turning around. She found in those dark eyes a spark of desire she hadn’t seen in a while and didn’t wait even a second longer to close the little distance between them and savor the feeling of those soft lips on hers.

“Mhm…” Cairo smiled into the kiss, pushing the other woman’s firm shoulders to make her fall sitting onto the mattress. “Very good.”

As if wanting to prove her point, she planted one leg on the bed, leaning in to slide her nose along the length of her wife’s pale neck, preparing to taste it with the tip of her tongue.

“And Claire?” CC reminded her in a broken sigh.

“Sleeping,” she answered, already covering the other woman’s mouth with another kiss.

She wasn’t willing to open any gap for more questions about their daughter. She just wanted to remember the feeling of the heat that enveloped her body, of the firm hands squeezing her skin, and of the kisses loaded not only with desire, but with blue irises carrying the same spark of burning adoration that seemed to have faded some time ago.

At that moment she only wanted to be CC’s wife, ignoring the world around them. She was dominated by expectation and longing when she felt the touch of soft, warm fingers brushing against her waist under her blouse, about to make real exactly what she needed.

But before the fabric could even be pulled from her body, the shrill and anguished sound of Claire’s cry rang out like an alarm through the walls of the bedroom. A reminder that there was a more urgent desire for attention that needed to be met, with no patience to wait much longer. That was a cry that demanded immediate presence.

“I’ll go…” CC curved her lips into a smile, still sliding her thumb along Cairo’s waist. Cairo nodded between sighs before pulling away to let her wife leave the room and attend to their daughter’s needs.

The intention was to show herself responsible — not to leave her wife’s shoulders carrying the weight alone when she could help. She was so dedicated to proving she could be a good mother that she gradually seemed to ignore that her wife needed more than that.

Cairo missed the warmth that used to heat the bed, the times when those blue irises had their attention on her, and the moments when CC simply grumbled just to be close, without seeming constantly on alert for the little siren in the next room calling her. It was as if, by gaining a daughter, she had lost her wife. And she had no intention of competing with Claire for a bit of attention, when it was already clear that the baby was the priority.

She allowed herself to fall apart alone, far too sensitive to control the tears that bathed her face. She wasn’t crying out of jealousy, nor out of regret for bringing a new life into the world. She was crying over the distance. Over the lack of feeling loved by the only person capable of destroying her barriers.

When the noise in the next room ceased and the door opened again, Cairo hid her face between her legs curled up on the bed, unable to stop the sobs that cut through the silence.

The smile CC had been wearing, proud of herself for stabilizing the “problem” so quickly, died the instant her eyes found the woman so withdrawn on the bed that she seemed to want to disappear.

“I’m fine,” Cairo said before her wife could open her mouth to ask.

“That’s not what it looks like,” CC whispered, feeling her chest tighten as she approached. She could count on her fingers the times she had seen tears leave those eyes. “Look at me, Cairiño. Tell me what happened.”

Slowly, she cradled her wife’s face in her hands, trying to encourage her to abandon the guilty tide drowning her. Cairo didn’t want to lift her face, but she needed to find the blue eyes that for so long had been her safe harbor. She needed to find the woman who had promised her she would pick a fight with the ground if that was what it took to make her happy.

“Do you still love me?” she wanted to know, so fragile that she no longer cared about letting someone see her vulnerable for a reason considered silly.

CC wanted to laugh, even with her chest tight as she looked at the face reddened by crying. Not a mocking laugh, but because she was certain the answer seemed far too obvious to be ignored. And if Cairo needed to hear her say it, that was exactly what she would get.

“Like I’ve never loved anyone in my life. Like the world makes more sense with you around,” she assured her.

Cairo let a small sob escape her mouth, drying her face with the backs of her hands. She had the sensation of feeling her chest a little warmer, even though the cold still remained there — a reminder of CC’s distance over the last few days.

“Then… why does it feel like you’re almost never around?”

“But I am here, Cairiño. I’ve always been.”

“Not like before.”

Not since Claire was born, she wanted to add, her lips trembling slightly.

CC brought a hand to her wife’s forehead to brush away the damp strands of bangs sticking to her skin. She was trying to understand where she was going wrong to cause insecurity in the woman she loved.

“I’m listening,” she said softly, like someone asking for an explanation that would point her in the direction she needed to look, that would show her exactly what she wasn’t managing to see.

“After Claire was born,” Cairo explained, making a small pause before realizing that wouldn’t be enough. “You never seem tired of her. It’s like you’re always waiting for any opening to give her what she needs.”

There was no answer at first, only the sound of silence, which gradually filled the room in an uncomfortable way.

“I thought that was what you wanted,” CC finally confessed. “I thought that was what you needed.”

“I need you, CC!” she almost shouted. “Don’t you realize how exhausted I get trying to get your attention for one second, only for you to run off to Claire right after?!”

“Are you jealous?”

“It’s not jealousy!” Cairo defended herself as if she were being accused of a crime. “I love that little girl. So much it hurts.”

With a heavy sigh, CC moved a little closer, wrapping her wife’s shoulders in a hug. She didn’t speak right away. She waited until the breathing that had been charged with fury could gradually be replaced by the beginning of calm.

“I know you love her, Cairiño. I’m not saying otherwise,” she assured her in a whisper, kissing the other woman’s temple.

“I’m just tired of missing someone who’s right next to me,” she said between a sob, feeling small in her wife’s arms. “And I’m also tired of pretending everything is fine when it clearly isn’t.”

Little by little, the reality of the real problem between them began to sink in for CC. But she made no move to accuse Cairo of having stayed silent that entire time. She only pulled her body even tighter against her own.

“Then stop trying to do that,” she said calmly. “When you’re sad, call me, explain what’s causing it, and I promise I’ll try to help. We’re a couple, Cairo. You don’t have to endure everything in silence. You don’t have to be alone. And you don’t have to pretend. Not with me.”

When she realized her wife was so willing to understand her, Cairo felt the weight of having kept quiet. There had been no reason to hide any fear from CC, and she had already made that clear more than once. So why wasn’t it so easy to speak? Why did she keep treating her desires and problems as too silly for anyone to know?

“I’m acting like an idiot,” she deduced out loud.

“You’re not. You just need to learn to say what you’re feeling before everything turns into a tangled mess we can’t solve.”

“That’s the hard part.” Cairo let out a nasal laugh.

“I know.” CC ran her hands over her wife’s shoulders, wanting to ease the tension that was there. “To be honest, I was pretending everything was fine too.”

“You were?” she wanted to know, raising her eyebrows.

“Do you really think I go running to change a dirty diaper because I like that sour little poop smell? Especially when she’s just finished nursing and is so full it comes up the back like a—”

“Eww, CC!” Cairo interrupted between a laugh, making a face. “That’s disgusting!”

“What I’m trying to say is that most of the time I just want Claire to understand from early on that she’s loved. And I also thought it would help you not get too overwhelmed. I thought you were tired and needed help with her — not that you needed a little exclusive attention just for yourself.”

“I think we need to learn how to talk.”

“We’re kind of doing that right now,” CC joked, opening a smile. “We just have to practice a little more.”

“It’s going to be a bit hard for me. I’ve kind of gotten used to not talking about what I feel,” she admitted.

“But I’ll be here with you. And in case you don’t remember, I already told you before that I love you so much I’m capable of doing the impossible to see you happy,” CC said in a low tone, caressing her wife’s soft cheek. “And just to be clear, I’ll say it again: I love you, Cairo Sweet-Walker. And I’ll do anything for you.”

“Except lose your first-offender status,” she reminded her of the conversation they’d had when they decided to have a baby, leaning in to kiss the corner of CC’s mouth.

“Except lose my first-offender status,” she repeated, almost as if it were flirting. “But if you ask nicely…”

“CC!” Cairo scolded her amid a laugh.

“All right! Understood. Even if you don’t ask nicely.”

“You’re an idiot!” she accused, pushing her wife’s athletic body back against the pillows. “And I love you even more for it.”

In a deliberate movement, Cairo leaned over CC, seeking her mouth. She let her dark hair fall like a curtain around their faces, covering any glimpse of a slow kiss, shared between the smiles of two people who knew that in that room was their safe harbor.