Work Text:
FROM: SHARE-BEAR
EMERGENCY 11.
Tony choked on his coffee and needed Happy to whack his back until he could breathe normally again.
“What was that?” Happy asked.
“Nothing. Just, uh, do you mind running an errand? Maybe one that takes two hours?” Tony asked. He wasn’t very slick.
“You know, Tony, if you want me to leave, you can just tell–”
“Goodbye!”
Tony all but shoved Happy into the elevator and pressed the lobby button for him, and waved goodbye as the doors shut. Once they were closed and he heard the elevator heading downstairs, then he panicked.
The emergency system was created when Sharon was fifteen, mostly for her to have a confidante and him to have someone who won’t yell at him when he screwed up. For example, Emergency Five was when either were on a bad date, and they needed an escape. Emergency Sixteen was for Peggy or Angie, but only if one of them was in a situation where bringing up those names was not appropriate or safe.
Eleven was for possible pregnancy. Tony used that one many times when he was in his playboy days, and three times for him and Pepper. All had been false. But for Sharon to text him that…
By the time Sharon arrived, the counter was covered with everything Tony thought she would need, from several home pregnancy tests in his medicine cabinets (don’t judge him, you never know who needs one) to three jugs of water. Before Sharon could get a word in, he opened a jug and held it out to Sharon.
“Tony, stop it,” she insisted, shoving the jug from her face.
“No, I will not stop it. I will force you to pee on every stick until we’re certain.”
Sharon glared at him, but took the water and began chugging it. She paused a third of the way through and panted.
“Have to pee yet?”
“Nope.”
“Then what are we waiting for?”
“You trying to kill me?”
“No, just your bladder and possible baby-daddy. Now chug.”
Sharon finished off the first jug and set it down on the counter. She had to lean against it as she controlled her breathing. Tony sat and waited impatiently, tapping his fingers on the countertop. “So?”
“I regret making you watch Juno with me,” Sharon said.
“What are you talking about?” Tony asked.
“That’s the opening of the movie. She’s drinking Sunny D or something and peeing on pregnancy tests.”
“Then we’ll say that Elliot Page and I are on the same level of ingeniousness. Now go pee on sticks!”
Sharon picked up two of the boxes and began reading the backs, her brows furrowed in confusion. “This is so confusing. Which brand is better? Does it even matter?”
“How the hell should I know?” Tony asked.
“You should know because you’re the one who bought these for other people! Which ones did they use?”
Tony groaned and looked at all the boxes. He picked up a pink and yellow one and handed it to Sharon. “Now go tell me if I have to test my new suit on someone.”
“You know, you’re way more annoying when you get into big brother mode,” Sharon said before heading towards the hall bathroom.
“Only children have to stick together!” Tony shouted after her. He at least had the decency not to sit outside the bathroom door and demand check-ups every ten seconds.
He distracted himself by rearranging the cutlery drawer with the cleanest utensils on top. Then rearranged the fridge so the foods that would spoil sooner were in front. By the time he had picked who he thought would win in all the categories at the upcoming Emmy Awards, Tony realized it had been too long since Sharon went into the bathroom.
She came barging out not much later and opened a new jug of water.
“What did the test say?” he asked.
Sharon locked herself back in the bathroom with the jug and a handful of unopened tests.
“That’s not an answer!”
Sharon had peed on five tests so far, and was about to pee on her sixth, all while ignoring her phone buzzing with text messages. Tony had given up on coaxing her out and decided to go downstairs and get condolence pizza.
She had a mix of positives and negatives – three positives and two negatives, to be exact. And five minutes later, she had another positive. She groaned and threw her head back against the shower door. She picked up two of the different empty boxes to see what was up when she finally noticed the expiration dates. Dating back to 2013. Again, she groaned, this time throwing the boxes on the floor.
Well, this sucked.
In high school, she remembered all those girls who used to walk around with protruding bellies at sixteen and seventeen, and finding boxes in trashcans and on floors in restrooms like the ones she used today. Not all the girls who took those tests were positive, and once, she watched one of those girls cry in relief when she said she was scared of being a mom. While she wasn’t seventeen, she wasn’t even thirty. She told herself that she wouldn’t even consider children until she was at least thirty-six, when she felt more stable and level-headed. She would have had enough life-lasting experiences to move on to that one.
It also didn’t help that the person who might become a father was in a similar field that he wouldn’t want to be tied down in.
Sharon’s phone buzzed again, and this time, she bothered looking at it. Natasha was calling. Weird…
“Hello?” Sharon answered.
“You’re not having a baby, right?” Natasha asked right away.
“Oh, no.”
“Yeah, we have them restrained up here if you want to come up and be the mature adult in this situation.”
“Give me five.”
When Natasha said restrained, she meant it. Tony was handcuffed to the chair, while Steve was handcuffed to a pole running on the far side of the room. There was a good thirty feet separating them. Steve had a cut on his cheek with a deepening bruise surrounding it, while Tony held an icepack on his left eye.
Sharon stood between them with her arms crossed. “This isn’t a pizza, Tony.”
“Pizza and punching Steve in the face with your class ring has the same satisfaction,” Tony retorted.
“You, hush.”
Steve cleared his throat to get Sharon’s attention. “So, what’s the verdict?” he asked.
Sharon shrugged. “Don’t know. The tests in Tony’s cabinet were all expired. I need to get a new one.” She motioned for Natasha to unhandcuff Tony, then yanked her freed cousin towards the door. “Your punishment is coming with me.”
“How is that a punishment?” Tony asked.
“The tabloids will decide.”
“What the–? Aw, come on!”
Tony stood a few feet away while Sharon stared at the rows of pregnancy tests. Every few seconds, she would reach out and let her fingers ghost over one of the boxes, before she pulled away. He wanted to just reach out and choose one for her…
But she was terrified. Her eyes were wider than usual. She clenched and unclenched her fingers while holding her hand to her stomach. Her breathing was audible. Her left leg bounced. He was afraid to say anything in case he freaked her out.
“You shouldn’t have punched Steve,” Sharon said.
“Give me a good reason I shouldn’t have,” Tony replied.
“Because now he knows, and it wasn’t your place to tell him before I even knew if I was pregnant. So now when I get the chance to sit and talk to him, it’s going to be more awkward than I wanted it to be.”
Fuck, that was a good reason. “Give me two more.”
“Damn it, Tony!”
“Look, Sharon, I’m sorry! I just got worked up! I know this is one of the last things you want at this point in your life, and no offense, but he always deserves a good punch in the face!”
“But this is not a part of my life you’re involved in! This is between me and Steve, not the three of us, and certainly not the two of us!” Sharon grabbed one of the tests and stormed towards check-out.
Tony lightly punched the shelf and huffed.
It was negative.
Sharon had been sitting in the shower for six minutes, still fully dressed, because she needed to make sure that any sounds she made would be drowned out.
She wondered if her mom felt this way when she thought she was pregnant with Sharon. Or actually became pregnant with Sharon. Maybe she felt hopeful that she would have a daughter who was social in school, and didn’t request to enroll in SHIELD right away so they would rarely see each other. And a father who would love that she was sporty, but didn’t frown when she wrestled with her cousins and got all dirty and bruised.
Would the baby have inherited most of its looks and personality from her? Or Steve? Would it have his blue eyes or her brown eyes?
She couldn’t think past the eyes.
Sharon turned off the shower and stepped out of the bathroom. Tony was waiting, like she had expected. Hoped. He was always waiting on the other side of the door for when she was ready.
“I’m sorry,” they said together. Then laughed uncomfortably.
“I’m sorry for punching Steve in his perfect face and making it look less perfect,” Tony said.
“That’s a shit apology,” Sharon said.
“Noted. I’ll work on a better one that includes pizza.”
“Well, in the meantime, I’m sorry that I took out my anger with myself at you.”
“That’s shit, because you shouldn’t be mad at yourself.”
“But I am! I promised myself that I wasn’t going to become a parent until I was in my late-thirties and living a steadier life! But look at me! I’m almost thirty and I’m peeing on pregnancy tests! I don’t even have a real home! I end up moving around six times a year – minimum – with three sort-of apartments that I use for undercover. My love life is beyond dangerous for both of us because we can’t go out for a coffee without some jackweed breaking into the nearby bank. Most of my biological family is dead. I just – I can’t have this too! Which I don’t, because it’s negative, but if I had… I don’t know! Which is terrifying! I mean, what kind of parent would I have been? I could have been like my mom!”
Tony reached out and grabbed her shoulders, and suddenly, she was in middle school again, and he was explaining to her that they couldn’t see each other for a while because her mom said no, while she wanted to run away from home. “You could never be like your mother,” he said. “You’re a wonderful person who loves too much. You would be the best mom ever, and I would be the best god-father period to the world’s best mom’s baby.”
Sharon smiled and sniffled. “Thanks,” she said. “I should go talk to Steve. Nat texted and said he’s freaking out.”
“Oh, yeah, he’s apparently losing his mind. Sam told him about Amazon a while back, and he’s been trying to buy baby naming books. But first, you’re soaking wet and freezing.”
Sharon grinned. “Oh, am I?” She pulled Tony into a hug, and he let out a loud screech.
“Holy fuck, get off me, you monster!”
“Never!” Sharon let out a squeal and laughed as Tony tried running away from Sharon, dragging her behind instead. He was laughing too.
Things probably were gonna be shaky for a bit, but at the end of the day, as long as they can find it in them to laugh, it was going to be okay.