Chapter Text
"Get ready, Jake! Because here comes my FINISHING MOVE!" Finn bellowed.
Immediately, the air was filled with a raucous clattering as the boy began smacking the buttons on his controller with such fervor that a casual onlooker might have assumed it owed him money. On the digital display across from the pair, Finn's avatar brandished its enormous sword, then leapt into the air, bringing its blade to bear with thunderous fury—!
Only to be engulfed in flames, instantly reducing it to a pile of ash. His jaw swinging open like a rusty drawbridge, Finn blinked slowly at the screen, before slowly turning to face his friend.
"Heh," Jake chortled, as a chorus of bleeps and bloops proclaimed his victory. "That was a pretty cool move."
"Okay...hold on," Finn said, as he let his controller clatter noisily to the floor. "How the heck did you do that?"
"Weeeeeell…" Jake replied, puffing out his chest in a very literal manner, his upper body quickly inflating as he spoke. "Normally I like to keep this under my hat. But since you're my best pal, I suppose I can make an exception this time. You see…"
As his canine companion leaned in, Finn eagerly matched his movements, bursting with anticipation.
"I'm actually really good at video games," Jake said in a loud whisper.
Finn's face fell with such magnitude that if it had a physical presence, the boys would have found themselves with a new subbasement.
"Not that!" He growled irritably. "I'm talking about the fireball!"
"Oh," Jake replied, nodding in understanding. "Well yeah. That was a fireball. It burned your patoot up good, huh?"
"But hoooooow, did you doooo thaaaaaat?" Finn asked, his tongue twisting itself into knots as he over-elongated his syllables. "Your dude's a warrior, not a wizard. Look, he's got an ax!"
True enough, Jake's avatar was dancing triumphantly around the pile of ash that had once been Finn's character. And clutched in his tiny digital fist was a comically oversized ax.
"Oooooh," Jake replied, as his body returned itself to its normal proportions. "Well that's simple. I multiclassed."
"...Multi-what now?"
"Multiclassed," Jake repeated. "Watch, I'll show you. Hey, BMO? Give us a reset, would ya?"
"Resetting," Chirped their little robot pal who was currently serving as their game console. Pressing a button on his chassis caused the game to momentarily fizzle out before it once again displayed its title screen: Edge-Lordz
"Alright, check it," Jake said, as he started up a fresh game and brought up the character select screen. "See, what I did was I made like I was gonna select my Warrior Man here."
On screen, Jake's cursor maneuvered over to the character in question.
"But if you hit this button, you can add another class to your dude. I picked wizard, because that fireball is…"
He paused to let out an amused chuckle. "Well, you were there."
"But how does that even work!" Finn protested. "Warriors and wizards are opposites. Like...Flame Princess and Ice King. Or peanut butter and french fries!"
"Because it's all about like...options, man," Jake said, giving a little shrug. "You had me on the ropes when we went head to head, and if I'd kept on trying to fight you like that, it would have been your guy doing the victory dance in the end. But I didn't have to play that game because I had another option in my pocket. It gave me a different way I could win besides just trying to outfight you."
"Options…" Finn murmured as he sank down in his seat and began stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Huh."
"Yeeeep." Jake replied. "So...are we gonna go again? Or—?"
"Wait, wait, wait," Finn interjected. "What if…what if I did that?"
"...I mean, I was trying to keep that little trick under my hat," Jake said, reluctantly. "But yeah, if you want. Like I said, you've just gotta hit this button and—"
"No, not in the game," Said Finn, his eyes widening as an idea began to take shape in his brain pan. "What if I did that in real life?"
Jake's expression turned contemplative.
"I...don't think that's gonna work, bro," He said after a few moments of contemplation. He held up his controller and pushed the aforementioned button a few times, demonstratively. "This button doesn't do anything outside the game."
"No, I mean...look," Finn said. "Okay, so, I'm pretty rad with a sword, right?"
"The raddest dude I know," Jake immediately replied. "Definitely the raddest dude in this treehouse."
"And as long as we keep going on awesome adventures, I'm only going to get better." Finn continued. "But there's gonna be a point where swinging a sword around can only do so much, right? Like, what if we fight something that eats swords? I'd be in a pickle."
"Delicious. But I think I'm following," Jake said, nodding along. "You thinking of branching out? Maybe like, a spear, or a hammer or something?"
"I'm thinking bigger than that!" Finn exclaimed. "What if along with rad swordery, I could fly! Or shoot magic arrows! Or—!"
"Use diplomacy to resolve the conflict non-violently?"
Finn's mouth clamped shut as he gave the dog a withering look.
"What?" Jake protested. "I thought we were playing make-believe here. Look, Finn, it's definitely a cool idea, but...you can't do any of that stuff."
"No, I can't," Finn agreed, as a crafty smirk spread across his face. "But I know other people who can…"
A few hours later, Finn stood before the Candy throne, looking expectantly at its occupant.
Sitting opposite him, Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum, stared back at him, her eyes crossed and her lips pressed into a thin line. She raised one finger as her mouth began to open, but partway through the motion she froze. Finally, she lowered her hand, dipped her head, and let out a long, exasperated sigh.
"Peps?" She said, wearily. "I'm going to need the butterscotch."
"Right away, Your Highness", spake Peppermint Butler from his place at her side. He bowed to his lady before setting off at a brisk pace towards a room that was off to the side.
Placing his hands behind his back, Finn waited patiently for the butler to return. Which he did, several minutes later, now carrying a silver tray bearing a large brown bottle and a shot glass. As he approached, Princess Bubblegum reached for the glass, only to momentarily freeze in place. When she resumed movement, she instead reached for the bottle, uncorked it, and took a long pull directly from it.
This went on for a period of time that was...somewhat worrying in length, but eventually, the princess removed the bottle from her lips, exhaled sharply, and returned it to the tray.
"Don't go too far," She muttered to the peppermint man.
"Of course, Your Highness."
"Now then, Finn," Bubblegum said, letting out a small wince as she massaged her temples. "I think I'm going to need you to...run me through that again. I'm sorry to say that I had a bit of trouble following you the first time."
"Sure thing, Peebs," Finn chirped in response. "I just want you to teach me some princess stuff so I can up my butt-kicking game. What was so hard to follow about that?"
"Pretty much all those words you said, in the exact order that you said them," The princess deadpanned as she slowly shook her head from side to side. "I'm...honestly not sure where I should even start pointing out what's wrong with this. The fact that you want to learn 'princessing', or that you think that particular field of...study? Has any sort of combat application."
Her arm shot out, grasping for the bottle once more, but before she could grab it, her other arm clamped down on it, abruptly arresting its motion.
"Seriously, Finn," She continued. "How many princesses do you know who are actually worth a darn in a fight? Especially when you're the one who spends so much of your time rescuing and/or protecting them from harm?"
"That's...true," He replied, pursing his lips. "I do do a lot of that."
He took a moment to resist the urge to laugh at his own rapier wit. Heh. Doodoo.
"Buuuut off the top of my head," He continued, as he began counting off on his fingers. "There's Muscle Princess, Jungle Princess, Flame Princess, Rescue Princess, Rock Princess after she got that sweet diamond body..."
"That's...actually more than I thought there'd be," Bubblegum muttered, frowning thoughtfully.
"...And of course, you're not too shabby in a fight yourself," Finn concluded, shooting her a wink.
The princess seemed taken aback by this.
"I...surprised you feel that way," She said. "Especially given that I'm normally the one sending you into danger."
"Yeah, well, that's because you normally have more important stuff to do," He said, shrugging. "You're leading, strategizing, sciencing, all the stuff that happens behind the scenes. But when the chips are down, you can be pretty beastly. If I had to assemble a crack team of combat princesses, you'd be my top pick every time."
It was probably just a trick of the light, but it seemed as though the princess' face had taken on a darker shade of pink than it normally was.
"Here, maybe this'll help explain what I'm trying to do," Finn said, moving to approach the throne. As he did, he reached under his hat and withdrew a folded-up sheet of paper.
"Have a look," He said, unfolding the paper before holding it out to her. Seemingly curious in spite of her earlier attitude, Bubblegum took the page from him and began perusing its contents.
"What...is this?" She asked, her brow furrowing in confusion. "A drawing of you? And what's all this stuff written in the margins?"
"That's my character sheet," Finn said proudly, stepping around to the side of the throne so he could look at it with her. "See, right there is my current class, Hero. And over there I wrote down all the things I can currently do."
"Swording," Princess Bubblegum recited, shooting Finn a worried glance before she resumed reading. "Brawling. General Buttkickery. Dungeon Delving. Un—"
She stopped, blinked twice, then looked back at Finn.
"Underwater Basket Weaving?"
He shrugged. "Jake and I delved this one dungeon where instead of there being treasure at the end, there was just a dude offering lessons. And since we'd already spent so much time getting there, we decided to stick around and try it out. It's actually been more helpful than you'd think it'd be."
"That wouldn't be a very high bar to clear," PB replied, her lips quirking upward into a small smile.
"Anyway," Finn continued. "You can see that a lot of this stuff is kind of along the same lines. But I got to thinking that I could be a way better hero if I learned how to do other things. Basically, if I picked up another 'class'. Jake called it 'Multiclassing'."
"And you decided to start with princess of all things," Bublegum said, shaking her head as she let out a small laugh. "That is so...you, Finn."
"Thanks!" He replied. "...I think."
Princess Bubblegum considered the sheet for a few moments longer, stroking her chin thoughtfully.
"Well…" She said at last, "Putting it that way, I suppose there might be one thing I could show you."
"Seriously?" Finn asked, his eyes wide with excitement.
"I...believe so," She said, folding up the character sheet, then handing it back to him. "I'll need a bit of time to prepare though. Peps? Please take Finn to the Banana Guard Training Ground. I will be there shortly."
"At once, Your Highness", said the butler. A moment later, he raised up the tray he was still holding. "And...what should I do with this?"
"...You already know the answer to that," Bubblegum said, letting out a small sigh.
"Leave it in your quarters then," Said the peppermint man. "As you wish."
Finn was of two minds as he cast his gaze around the training grounds. The place was completely devoid of life, save for himself. The floors were tidy, the weapons and training dummies practically pristine. In short, its state was the exact opposite of what a proper training area should look like, and that explained quite a bit as to why his services were always in such high demand. But on the other hand, it was difficult to be upset about that, because being so necessary to the day-to-day life of this kingdom that had become so near and dear to him was a bit part of what gave his life purpose. And, on a more practical level, continued to put spaghetti on the table.
He supposed that it was just one of those funny things about life.
"Finn!"
A familiar call pulled the hero from his musings. Turning in the direction of the sound, he spied Princess Bubblegum making her way towards him flanked by several of her Banana Guards. Happy, both at the sight of his friend and benefactor, and that his burning curiosity as to what she'd been referring to earlier would finally be satisfied, he waved happily to the group as they made their approach.
And, as a bonus, it seemed like the princess was now in considerably higher spirits than she had been when he'd first arrived. That was always a positive thing. As they said, what's good for the goose was good for the choose.
"Heya, Princess," He said in greeting. "You good on everything? Because I'm really excited to see what you've got cooking."
"Oh, things are definitely going to get cooked," She said, lowering one hand to her waist, which drew his attention to the fact that she was now wearing a leather pouch, of sorts, belted to her side. Through which he could spy some sort of scientific thingamabob. Despite knowing nothing about what it was, it nevertheless called to him.
Also, it was extremely shiny. Which, in his experience, was exclusively a positive quality in material goods.
"Wait until you get a load of this," Bubblegum said confidently, as she withdrew the device from its container. "Guards? Target, please."
Her guards set about retrieving a large target that would normally be used for archery practice, and began lugging it across the training grounds. As they did so, Finn was able to get a better look at the device. It looked sort of like a crossbow, with a similar grip and trigger setup. However, it lacked the launching mechanism, and as far as he could tell, didn't seem to have any sort of ammunition loaded.
...Maybe it was for throwing? But if so, then what purpose would the trigger serve? Curiouser and curiouserer...er…
"Alright, clear the way!" The princess called out as the guards finished their task, causing them to spread out and give the target a wide berth.
"And, Finn?"
"Yeah, Peebs?"
"Try not to blink," She said confidently. She swung the device upward, giving it an expert twirl as she brought it up to eye level, pointed it at the target, and pulled the trigger all in a single, fluid motion. Immediately, the device came to life, letting out a high-pitched whine as a series of lights began to light up along its length in sequence.
An instant later, a sizable blast of energy sprang forth from the device and tore through the air with such speed that Finn almost had trouble following it with his eyes. The blast then struck the target dead center, and somewhere in the space between Finn's brain registering what an impressive shot that was, and opening his mouth to articulate that thought aloud—
—the archery target ceased its state of existence, as it crumbled into a pile of blackened ash.
And the words on Finn's tongue died a terrible death as they were immediately buried under an avalanche of incoherent gurgling.
Bubblegum turned to him, her lips twisting into a cocky smirk.
"Pretty cool, huh?" She said, as she raised the now smoking device to her lips and blew softly on it.
"So…cool!" Finn barely managed to utter, drowning as he was in his own drool.
"I still haven't decided what I'm going to name it," Princess Bubblegum said, hefting the device with one hand and tapping one finger against her chin with the other. As she spoke, the guards set about replacing the now disintegrated target with one that was still intigrated. And then, in an uncharacteristic show of self-preservation, they immediately distanced themselves from it without being told to do so.
"I wanted to come up with something more elegant before I showed it to anyone," The princess continued. "But given what it does, I suppose for the moment we can call it a 'plasma gun'. So, Hero of Ooo, what are your thoughts?"
"M-m...my..t-t-turn…?" Finn managed to articulate as he held out his hands. "Turn now? Please?"
Bubblegum let out a very unprincessly snort of amusement. Nevertheless, she lifted the 'gun' over her head with a grand flourish, and gently deposited it into Finn's waiting hands.
Were he capable of registering anything else in his vicinity, he would have found himself surprised by a second uncharacteristic show of self-preservation, as the Banana Guards immediately doubled the distance between themselves and the replacement target.
Babbling something vaguely resembling a "thank you", Finn straightened up, tried to copy the princess' movements as best as he could (abandoning the sick twirl after a second failed attempt nearly resulted in his dropping the device, much to his chagrin), pointed the thing at the target, and after a sharp intake of breath, pulled the trigger—!
—which resulted in...nothing happening.
Several seconds later, his adrenaline-soaked brain registered this failure, and after quickly glancing at the gun to make sure that it was, in fact, still on, he pointed it at the target once more, and pulled the trigger again.
And again. And again. And...again.
And, just as he was starting to consider the alarming possibility that he'd somehow broken the thing, a long, loud laugh resounded from the princess.
"Sorry, Finn," She managed to get out around the giggles that still wracked her body. "I couldn't resist playing a little joke on you."
"A...joke?" He asked, warily, his nerves already thoroughly frazzled as his brain tried to process this new information.
"Do you really think I'd make firing something this dangerous as easy as pulling the trigger?"
In the moment, he'd certainly hoped that would be the case. But he suspected that saying as much would be a very bad idea, so he held his tongue.
"There's a procedure that needs to be done first," She said, as she stepped up alongside him, momentarily causing his senses to be overwhelmed by her sweet, sugary scent.
"See, first, you need to punch in the activation code," She continued, reaching over and indicating a small keypad that he had failed to notice was on one side of the device. "Which is a simple numeric sequence derived from the Candy Kingdom National Anthem."
"Um...r-right," Finn stammered, still reeling from the suddenness with which the princess had invaded his personal space. "Nummeric seggence. Right. And...how did that go again?"
"And then," She continued as her fingers rapidly punched in a code that seemed to be comprised of every single number he knew of, plus thirty-six more. "You're going to need to calculate the trajectory of the shot. The safety dampeners won't disengage until you do."
"Safety, um…" Finn muttered, trying to keep up. "Wait, what's 'trajectee'? Is that mathematical?"
"Of course, Finn," She replied, clapping her hands twice in quick succession. Immediately, a pair of Banana Guards wheeled in a whiteboard and a selection of colorful markers.
"You see," Bubblegum explained as she picked up one of the markers and commenced writing out a lengthy, very scientific-looking string of numbers, letters, and various symbols with considerably less effort than it took him to write his own name. "The 'plasma' utilized by this gun appears to be energy, because it is. However, it's unique in that despite being energy, it still has a degree of hoofledimple wumpus plumpus. So first, we have to bingle-bongle the…"
She paused and turned around.
"Finn?" She called out, as she looked around at the suddenly human-free training ground, as he was no longer anywhere to be seen.
...At least, that's what he presumed had happened. Because the very second she'd started that very scientific-looking and sounding explanation, his feet were already in motion…
"Welp, that was a bust," Finn remarked to himself as he sped away from the Candy Kingdom. And without breaking his stride, he reached under his hat and withdrew a pencil and a different sheet of paper.
"But that's why I made a list," He said, as he took the pencil and drew a long raggedy line through the word "Princess".
"Second time's definitely the charm. Probably."