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“What is it?” Jude asked, comfortably perched on top of Erling, letting the tips of his fingers caress his jaw. They were both tired even though they had slept, having gone three more rounds before Erling’s heat finally broke.
“Nothing,” Haaland replied, shaking his head as he tried to look away, “I just missed you, that’s all”.
“Miss me? You see me all the time.”
“Not - not like this, not anymore,” Haaland replied, ending his sentence in a whisper.
He regretted saying anything the moment the words left his lips and he looked up to see guilt etched into Jude’s pretty eyes, his soft smile vanishing from his face. “Forget I said it, okay?” he asked, desperately reaching out for Jude. Nothing good ever came from talking about his feelings with Jude, he knew that.
“No, you’re right,” Jude said, climbing off of Erling and laying down on his back, “come here,” he said when he noticed the panic in his eyes. He outstretched his arms, waiting patiently for Erling to come closer, to come right into his embrace.
They stayed silent for a while, Erling filled with regret while Jude mulled over Erling’s words. It felt like this wasn’t the first time they had a similar conversation. He could still remember when he was discussing leaving Dortmund, how Erling had told him he had talked to City about signing him. He would never forget the broken look on his face when Jude had told him Real Madrid was interested; he had tried to hide it, putting on a smile and congratulating him but he couldn’t hide his scent. And then a few weeks later he had gotten a call from a drunk Erling at three in the morning, crying on the phone, begging him to go with him, saying that he missed him. Real Madrid was his dream team but, sometimes, in the dark hours of the night when his thoughts became more treacherous, he wondered what it would have been like to go to City with Erling, train with him everyday, just like old times — would they have gotten together? They had talked about it, back in Dortmund. But they had both been young and scared to take that leap. Maybe they should have. Or maybe it would have made everything even more complicated.
Jude looked down at Erling, seeing the upset look on his face, his scent souring around them. Having him in his arms like this after so many years had made feelings he had long tried to bury come back to the surface. He had tried to meet other people, go on dates, but it seemed they always had some unseen, unbearable flaw — they weren’t Erling, that was the flaw. He tilted Erling’s face up, leaning down for a soft kiss, almost chaste in how gentle it was. Soon it became salty, Erling’s tears falling onto their lips and Jude knew he should address this, knew they should talk about things but he didn’t know how to start. So he let his kiss do the talking, pouring into it all the feelings he didn’t know how to voice.
“I love you, why don’t you get it,” Haaland whispered against Jude’s lips, voice laced in exhaustion. He was tired. Tired of trying to forget Jude, tired of trying to pretend he didn’t think about him day and night, tired of holding his heart in his hands trying to keep it from shattering.
And Jude was at a loss for words, once again. Probably because he had spent years minimizing Erling’s feelings as a way to cope with the distance. It was so much easier to think Erling had been living his life and that the distance hadn’t ruined anything between them than it was to admit his own ambition had caused Erling to suffer. His sweet Erling.
“I love you too,” Jude finally replied, looking deeply into Erling’s bloodshot eyes. As it turned out, the words were easier to say than he had thought and now that he had started, he wasn’t able to stop. “And I miss you, fuck, I miss you more than you can imagine.”
“And I tried to forget you, tried to move on with my life but I couldn’t because I needed you. You were always my rock, my safe space.”
“You’re the love of my life, Erling. It has always been you.”
It was now Haaland’s turn to be at a loss for words. Without realizing it they had both sat up, Jude holding his hands in his own. He had spent years trying to convince himself Jude had moved on and that he should too. It might have been easier if it hadn’t been for that one night two years earlier, when Jude had been in Manchester for the quarterfinals. They had gone out in a group together, both drinking more than they should have; nothing had actually happened but Haaland was convinced, he knew they had been on the verge of kissing when they had been interrupted. They hadn’t talked about it since. He wasn’t even sure Jude remembered it.
“Please say something,” Jude whispered, looking into Erling’s eyes, taking in the shock written all over his face. He probably looked just as shocked, the words that had come out of his mouth surprising even himself. But the moment he had said them, he had realized they were true, his most hidden feelings now out in the open for Erling to analyze, to dissect.
“I don’t know what to say, I wasn’t expecting this,” Haaland replied, just as quietly, sitting cross legged on the bed as he stared back at Jude. They were still holding hands and he couldn’t stop himself from leading Jude’s to his lips, kissing it softly. He felt lighter now that he had said it, now that his feelings, their feelings, were out in the open.
“I’m the one to blame for that,” Jude said, pulling on Erling’s hands until he was straddling his lap. He stared up into Erling’s crystalline eyes, hand reaching up to tuck a loose strand of blond hair behind his ear before cupping his cheek. It would probably be funny if anyone saw them like that, Erling’s imposing figure melting into his touch but to Jude, Erling had never looked more beautiful than when he was in his arms.
“We both are. I - I could have said something sooner,” Haaland offered, extending the metaphorical olive branch. He didn’t want them to restart on a bad note, didn’t want either of them holding onto guilt. If Jude wanted to restart, his brain offered.
“You tried. So many times. This is on me…I’m sorry for making you hurt.”
Erling shook his head, refusing to let Jude carry all the blame, all the remorse. He leaned down, slotting their lips together, their arms intertwined around each other as the kiss grew more desperate, all the longing and yearning they had been harboring finally coming out. They couldn’t even blame Erling’s heat, it was clearly over, but one wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at the way they frantically held onto each other. He didn’t want to be the one to break the kiss, didn’t want to be the one to ask the question that needed to be asked because he knew then the moment would be over. And as much as they loved each other, it didn’t mean Jude would want to give their relationship a try.
“What now?” Jude finally asked, sensing Erling’s apprehension as they leaned on each other, forehead to forehead.
“I don’t know, I —”
“Erling, love, let’s be honest with each other, alright?” Jude said, gently, running his fingers through Erling’s hair.
Haaland sighed as he nodded. Jude was right, they had been dancing around the truth for far too long. “I would like to — I want us to be together, I can’t lose you again,” he finally admitted, deep down getting ready for the rejection.
Jude took a deep breath, holding back from telling Erling he had never lost him. Because he knew what he meant. He thought over Erling’s words, reflecting about what he wanted; it scared him, taking that leap, the idea of fucking everything up haunting his thoughts even if, deep down, all he wanted was to make Erling his. He knew he was taking too long to answer when he saw Erling’s eyes misting with tears, misunderstanding his silence. He quickly reached out for him, bringing him into his arms, “shh, come here, come here,” he soothed, rubbing Erling’s back affectionately.
“You don’t want to be with me?” Erling asked, voice not much louder than a whisper and it broke Jude’s heart.
“It’s not that, love,” Jude quickly answered, wanting to reassure him, “but I’m scared of what it means for us, for our careers…and the distance, we were never good at dealing with that,” he continued, tightening his hold on Erling’s waist, pulling him closer to his chest. His scent hadn’t yet lost that sour note that clung to him and it made Jude’s inner alpha restless, every instinct in his body telling him to do whatever it took to make his omega happy again.
“If we never try, we can’t know,” Haaland replied, not lifting his head from where it was perched in Jude’s shoulder. For a moment there he had had hope that things with Jude could be easy. But they never were.
“But what if we don’t work out as a couple and end up losing each other completely? I would rather have you as a friend than not have you at all,” Jude continued, letting all his fears come up to the surface.
“I don’t know if I can go back to just being friends,” Haaland admitted, leaving Jude’s lap, sitting with his back to him, “but I won’t force you either,” he continued, tying his hair back in a bun just so he had something to focus on. His heart was breaking, if he concentrated he was sure he could hear the little pieces falling to the ground all around him. His chest tightened painfully and, inside, his inner omega howled in pain — the pain of rejection, the pain of losing his alpha, the pain of having that rug of happiness pulled right from under his feet.
“Erling, please,” Jude whispered, hand reaching out for Erling’s arm but Erling pulled away the moment he touched him.
“No, you’re just not making sense,” Haaland said, finally turning around to face Jude, “you just said I’m the love of your life, you know I love you and you just want to stay friends?”
Jude had to admit it sounded a bit silly when presented that way. But fears were sometimes irrational, weren’t they? And the idea of losing Erling was too painful for him to even think about but, as he took in the sight in front of him, the disheartened look in Erling’s face, the disappointment, it became clear to him he was already on the verge of losing him. He would have to swallow his fears, be the alpha his omega deserved but, most importantly, be the man Erling deserved. Erling had waited all these years for him, but he wouldn’t wait much longer.
“You’re right, you’re absolutely right,” Jude said, reaching out for Erling’s hand again, begging with his eyes for him to not pull away this time, “I’m so scared of losing you that it makes me stupid but I want to be with you, I really do.”
“So…should we give it a try?” Haaland asked, eyeing Jude with a face full of uncertainty, holding out on allowing himself to have hope again.
“Yes,” Jude said quickly, “yes, let’s give us a try. But, if we see it’s not working, please promise me I won’t lose you,” he continued, frantically searching for Erling’s eyes. He needed that reassurance.
“I promise you won’t lose me,” Erling replied, cupping Jude’s cheeks, staring deeply into his dark eyes. He understood Jude’s fears, of course he did, and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy — Jude hadn’t been lying when he said they had never been good with the distance — but the idea of not having Jude, now that he had had a glimpse of their old life and a glimpse of what their future could be like, was unthinkable. He had had a taste of paradise this time they had spent together and couldn’t accept going back to the way things were.
“Can I kiss you now?” Jude asked, pulling Erling close, one arm around his waist, the other cupping his cheek, wiping a stubborn tear away.
“Since when do you have to ask?”
“Since I was an idiot and made you cry,” Jude replied, slowly leaning in, nose rubbing against Erling’s as his eyes fluttered closed.
“You’re forgiven,” Erling whispered, right against Jude’s lips before closing the distance between them.
Haaland let himself fall backwards on the bed, pulling Jude on top of him, not once breaking the kiss. He had a plane to catch later that night and Jude had practice to attend the next morning but it didn’t matter, for now. He finally had Jude, his Jude, where he belonged.