Chapter Text
Brockton Bay Central Bank was never particularly busy, so midafternoon on a Tuesday there were only about four people waiting in the lobby, one of whom happened to be the locally famous healer Panacea, also known as Amy Dallon. Amy was waiting in line, reading fanfiction on her phone to pass the time, when a masked cape sauntered into the building.
The cape was a teenage girl dressed in baggy black sweatpants, a sleeveless black shirt, and a white skull beanie. Over her face she had a black bandana covering everything below her nose. With an awkward cough the cape yelled, “alright! This is a hold up so everyone stick‘em up!”
Shooting a quick text to her sister, Amy stared at the unknown cape in disbelief. Is this really happening today? She thought to herself.
“Alright, I warned you!” The cape pointed to the ground in front of her and yelled, “Powers, go!”
With that there was a flash of light and when it faded a dopey looking blue salamander thing was standing in front of the cape. “Go my Quagsire! Show them your power!”
The salamander, Quagsire, waddled up to one of the desks and bumped its head, letting out a, “quag,” as it did so. The cape began moving her arms in what was probably supposed to be a dance as she repeatedly sang, “show ‘em Quagsire, show ‘em!”
A security guard cautiously approached, clearly not valuing his life very much, and said, "ma'am, you need to leave.”
“Not without hella loot first!” The cape responded. She then gestured her arms uncoordinately and yelled, “Quagsire, use Tail Whip!”
The salamander waddled up to the guard with surprising speed and lightly slapped him with its tail. The guard skittered back, but seemed otherwise unharmed.
Satisfied, the cape approached the teller and said, “now that my devastating powers have been proven, I demand, huh, a lot of money! At least fifty bucks!”
As the teller moved to obey the dumb cape’s orders Amy subtly made her way towards the salamander. She wasn’t sure if her powers would affect it but if not she could probably take it regardless. Before she could touch it though, the salamander sensed her approach and turned to her, staring her down with its dumb face.
Locking eyes with the salamander Amy realized that there was not a single thought behind its eyes, its head was completely empty. With a sigh she slapped her hand down on its dopey head, earning a, “quaah,” from the creature. Immediately her powers began to feed her information about the dumb creature and that information made no sense!
“Hey! You can pet Quagsire, but it is really rude to not ask permission first!” The cape yelled, her voice sounding whiney.
Amy was saved from having to dignify that with a response by her sister’s arrival. Glory Girl burst through the ceiling of the bank, floating above the floor as dust and debris fell around her. The other bank customers seemed much more alarmed by her sudden arrival than by anything the other cape had done.
“Woh!” The cape shrieked, her arms pinwheeling around in exaggerated fright.
“Amy, are you ok?!” Glory Girl asked loudly.
“I’m fine,” Amy muttered in response, petting the stupid salamander as she blushed in embarrassment. She’d texted her sister thinking there was an actual villain, not whatever this idiot duo was.
“Oh wow, Glory Girl! Can I get an autograph?” The cape asked as she pocketed the handful of bills the teller gave her.
“As if!” Glory Girl yelled, charging forward.
The cape barely managed to jump out of the way, yelping as she did so. “Aah, Quagsire, use Yawn!”
The stupid salamander let out a big yawn, its mouth stretching open in a derpy manner that only emphasized its lack of brain cells. The sight caused Amy to yawn, followed shortly by Vicky. Vicky tried to tackle the cape once again but missed, then slumped over asleep.
Amy wanted to do something to help but the sudden drowsiness combined with her usual sleep deprivation was too much for her to handle. In moments, she was sound asleep.
When Amy woke up she was curled against the surprisingly cuddly salamander, still laying on the bank’s floor. She grumbled tiredly as Vicky shook her awake.
“Amy, wake up!”
“Ugh, five more minutes,” she replied, burying her face against Stupid Salamander’s body.
“Don’t hug the lizard, Ames!”
With a sigh, Amy pulled away from the salamander and opened her eyes, squinting at the bank’s harsh light. When her vision cleared she saw Vicky looking down at her and couldn’t help but laugh. The cape had drawn cat whiskers on Vicky’s face!
“Laugh it up, you’ve got doodles on your face too.” Vicky said indignantly.
With a squawk Amy pulled out her phone and used the camera to see her face. That bitch had drawn a curly mustache on her face!
“Not so funny now, is it?” Vicky smugged smugly.
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After a painstakingly long meeting with the PRT, the majority of which was spent convincing them, and Carol, that Stupid Salamander wasn’t dangerous, Amy was finally home. The stupid salamander, which insisted on following her around, was sleeping on her stomach as she used its empty head as an armrest while scrolling on her phone. As she scrolled her phone buzzed with a notification from PHO.
From her official Panacea account, ugh.
Normally, Amy would just delete then block anyone who messaged her but before she could, she noticed the picture attached to the message. It was that bitch that drew on her face!
@BigBossGuzma: Hey, I realized after I left that I forgot to tell anyone my name. That’s my bad! Anyway, apparently my wild pokemon can be captured, didn’t know that.
Since you captured Quagsire, he’ll stick around permanently and only listen to you. Or, well, he might listen to other people but only if they give him snacks or you tell him it’s ok to do so! Also, you’ll need to take care of him from now on.
Quagsires, that’s his name and species, are semi-aquatic amphibians so he’ll need to soak in the tub or be spritzed with water to stay moist. He’s also a herbivore, typically eating vegetation that grows along rivers or swamps. Lettuce should be fine, with maybe some strawberries and berries for nutrients.
The message continued, an absolute deluge of information on the salamander (quagsire). Both instructions for his care, what ‘moves’ he could use (there was no way Stupid Salamander could create earthquakes), and otherwise random trivia. It was a lot.
At the end of the message was a picture of the cape, Guzma, making a peace sign at the camera with a blue anthropomorphic weasel cat thing holding its claws up in a peace sign to mirror the pose.
“What the hell?” Amy said to herself, her free hand absent mindedly petting what was apparently her new pet dumbass.
@Panacea: Wtf?
@BigBossGuzma: Sorry for the wall of text! I just wanted to make sure you knew how to take care of Quagsire. Pokemon are really adaptable but that doesn’t mean proper care isn’t important.
@Panacea: The fks a pokemon?
@BigBossGuzma: Pokemon, or pocket monsters, are what the creatures I can summon are called. Get it, cause they’re monsters you can fit in your pocket?
@Panacea: How tf do u fit a fkn lizard in ur pocket??
@BigBossGuzma: Oh, right, you’ll need a pokeball, I completely forgot!
Pokeball.jpeg
The pokeball can digitize and store a pokemon, to help with carrying them around. I can send you one, or bring you one if you want to meet up! It keeps the pokemon inside comfortable and can shrink down to the size of a grape tomato when in storage mode, growing to the size of an apple when you’re ready to summon or return the pokemon inside.
@Panacea: wft r u a tinker or master? Also tf kind of villain r u?
@BigBossGuzma: Both, I guess? I can make a lot of things revolving around caring for pokemon. And to your second question, I’m the best kind of villain! I’m destruction in human form, ya gurl Guzma!
@Panacea: wut
@BigBossGuzma: Anyway, take care of quagsire please! Pokemon are amazing companions, if you care for them they’ll be steadfast friends, so be nice to him please!
@Panacea: Fine, i was already going to take care if the stupid salamander
@BigBossGuzma: Be nice! He might be dumb but he’s got a big heart!
Mischiefweasalpuppyeyes.jpeg
@Panacea: ugh
With that Amy sat down her phone with a huff. She should really let someone know that Guzma had contacted her, but on the other hand Stupid was sleeping on top of her and she didn’t want to get up. She contemplated the idea of just going to sleep and telling someone in the morning but the idea of Carol’s freakout if she waited was enough to make her not put it off.
Still unwilling to actually dislodge the sleeping pokemon, Amy texted her sister. Moments later Vicky floated into her room.
“What’s up?” Vicky asked, looking critically at Stupid.
“That cape from the bank messaged me,” Amy answered, waving her phone. “Apparently, she wanted to give me care tips for Stupid here.”
“What?! Did she threaten you?” Vicky bristled, her fist balling up at her side.
“No, it was literally just care tips. She then rambled about her powers and admitted to being a Master/Tinker. She’s a Master who summons what she calls pokemon, like Stupid, and her tinker specialization is related to caring for them.”
Amy showed Vicky the pictures that accompanied the messages, drawing a grudging ‘aww’ from her at the sight of the blue weasel cat pokemon.
The next day Amy was at the PRT testing facility with Blumbo, Vicky got on to her for naming him Stupid, at Carol’s insistence. It was almost fun, no one expected Blumbo to create a localized earthquake on command or body check the strike machine harder than a speeding truck. Of course, that just resulted in more demands for her to hand him over to the PRT.
Which wasn’t happening, Blumbo was her stupid salamander!