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July 1, 2018 - 9:00am EDT
Hank Lowry, Ottawa Centaurs’ Director of Player Personnel poked his head into the office of the Centaurs’ General Manager Bud Greely. “I’ve got a message to call Farah Jalali. Do you have any idea what that’s about?”
“Isn’t she Shane Hollander’s agent?”
“Yeah, but he isn’t a free agent.”
Bud was obviously distracted with the myriad of things that always overwhelmed the veteran general manager on the first day of free agency. “I’m sure she has other clients. Call her back and let me know what she wants.”
Hank went back to his office and made the call, “Ms Jalali, to what do I owe the honor?”
“Can I interest you in Ilya Rozanov?” The high powered agent to several of the best athletes in North America got straight to the point.
“Ilya Rozanov? As in the lifelong rival of your most high profile client, Ilya Rozanov?”
“Yes,” Farah responded in a tone that clearly said she knew precisely who her clients were. “Are you interested?”
“We're interested in just about anything. We have a pretty open budget here at the moment. You’re catching us right at the beginning of free agency and we’ve had a couple of big retirements this off season. But you know that or you wouldn’t be representing the two biggest names in hockey. Can you tell me why Ilya Rozanov is interested in us?”
“I don’t ask my clients ‘why’ questions.”
“Fair Enough. If I may ask, who are we bidding against? Can you share how much Boston is offering?” Hank was getting excited, but he didn’t want to get ahead of himself.
“You’re our first port of call, Hank. My client has asked me to focus on Ottawa. That doesn’t mean we won’t go elsewhere if the deal isn’t up to snuff, but between you, me and the lamppost, he’s not going back to Boston. More than that, I know but will not tell you.”
“This is one I can’t do on my own. Bud will have to be involved in this conversation. Why didn’t you start with him?”
“I’ve dealt with all the GMs in North American major league sports. I’ve found Bud defers more than usual to his staff. I figured if I needed a champion in the front office for the deal, you were the guy who could get us over the finish line.”
“Thank you, I think. Forgetting the numbers for a moment, how many years is your client looking for? Are there any sweeteners that would entice him?”
“A five year deal is fine. A year more or less is acceptable. If you have any non-compensation benefits you like to extend to free agents, let me know and I’ll see if my client finds those tempting. And there has to be a no trade clause, not a list of teams he’ll accept, a full no trade clause.”
“Let me talk to Bud, but I think we can make an offer that will satisfy your client and, more importantly, you.”
“I know you can. The question is will you? Generational talent has a shelf life in free agency, Hank. If you don’t snap it up, it finds somewhere else to play.”
“Talk to you soon, Farah.”
“You, too, Hank.”
Hank stared at his phone for thirty seconds of eternity. Did Ilya Fucking Rozanov just fall into their laps? Evidently he had, and like any iron, one had to strike while hot.
Having played hockey himself at the highest level some thirty years ago (give or take), Hank was a man who knew how to move. And he started moving more quickly than he had since the last time his wife went into labor. That baby’s wedding was about to cost Hank a painful amount of money. Shortly he was in Bud’s office, closing the door firmly.
“IlyaRozanovwantstoplayforus!”
“Breathe, Hank. Breathe. What’re you saying?”
“Ilya. Fucking. Rozanov. wants to come to Ottawa and play for the Centaurs.”
“Right, pull the other one. Did Farah offer Shane Hollander too as a package deal?”
“Bud, I’m not fucking around. Farah now represents Rozanov and we’re the first team they called on the first day of free agency. They want a deal. They want a deal now. The only thing she was firm on was an iron clad no trade clause.”
“Then we write up a deal. We know what he makes in Boston. We know what the cap is. We know where we are in relation to it. We do the math, offer them 5% less than the most we can afford and see what happens. Do you really see a world in which we trade Ilya Rozanov? Of course we include a full no trade clause.”
“Do you want me to loop Justin in on this?” Bud asked, referring to Justin Bentley, the Centaurs’ coach.
“This isn’t a decision Justin needs to have input on. This doesn’t leave the room, but Justin will not be signing another contract with us after the upcoming season. He doesn’t need to be involved in a contract that’s going to impact the team up to five years after he leaves.”
“Roger.”
“Don’t talk to him about it either.”
Meanwhile on the other end of the phone conversation, Farah put down her phone and initiated a FaceTime call with her new client. “This is different for me. Usually I know everything and pretend I don’t. I’ve never had to pretend to know things about my client that I don’t in a contract negotiation.”
Ilya was at least self aware enough to look sheepish. “I apologize, Farah. I know we have not worked together long, and I appreciate your faith in me.”
“There aren’t many people in sports I trust more than Yuna Hollander. She vouched for you. That’s good enough for me. I’m going to ask you a question now. I need you to answer honestly. Your answer will not affect whether I represent you, but it may change how I represent you. Is anyone in Boston pregnant?”
Ilya laughed heartily. “You are asking wrong question, Farah. No, no one in Boston is pregnant… by me. I am sure there are many, many pregnant people in Boston right now.”
“Is anyone in Ottawa pregnant?”
“That is two questions.”
“That is one question, bifurcated by geography.”
“My English will never be that good.”
“You can put together the context clues.”
“It is much closer to right question, but, no, I have not impregnated anyone in Ottawa, either. Do you think they will come back with offer?”
“Oh, their fingers are practically bleeding already from typing up a ridiculously large offer for you. You’ll get paid. Not as much as you would have if you’d decided to test the open market, but you’ll get the ‘please God don’t let him contemplate anywhere else’ offer, and considering your net worth now, that should be enough.”
“You don’t want higher commission?”
“My net worth is plenty, too.”
“I wish I’d been with you from the beginning. I don’t know that I would have made more money, but you are a lot more fun than that fat Russian my father saddled me with.”
“Where did you get ‘saddled’ as an idiom?”
“Don’t tell Shane, but I read David’s New Yorkers.”
“And ‘bifurcated’ was a problem?”
July 1 2018 - 11:00am EDT
Boston General Manager Trevor Hayes barged into Head Coach Patrick LeClaire’s office “What did you do to piss him off?!?”
“Excuse me?” LeClaire was genuinely perplexed.
“Rozanov you idiot. How did you piss off Rozanov?”
“Rozanov? I’ve done nothing to him. Did he not like the offer?” Patrick eyed the nearly empty bottle of the pink stuff on his desk. He really needed to get more of that.
“Not like it? He never looked at it. His representation has informed us he will be signing with another team and the scuttlebutt says it’s Ottawa of all the goddamn places. Ottawa! How did you piss him off so bad Ottawa was the better option?”
“I have no idea, Trevor. Last I talked to Rozanov he was as happy as he ever is. He’s a brooding Russian. Who knows what’s actually going on in his head?”
“Well, he wasn’t happy enough to sign another contract with us. Did he even say ‘see you next season’ at any point?”
The enormity of what was happening began to dawn on Patrick. The blood drained from his face, leaving him even pastier than usual. “No, Trevor. No, he did not. Oh God, we’re cooked.”
“Get me a list of the rest of the forward free agents ranked by their potential positive impact on our team. Get it to me yesterday.”
“Buffalo is shopping Ryan Price.”
“To replace Ilya Fucking Rozanov? Get out of my office.”
“Yes, sir, but this is my office.”
July 2, 2018 - 10:00pm EDT
Jennifer Hedger: This is SportsCentre.
Kate Beirness: The Blue Jays looked like they were turning their season around in June, but have lost the first two games of July. Is it time to panic?
Jennifer Hedger: Toronto FC is following up their MLS championship season and victory in the CONCACAF Champions League with a truly uninspired 2018 campaign. Is the current four game winless streak just more of what’s to come?
Kate Beirness: But first, word is coming out of the capital that NHL legend Ilya Rozanov is in talks with the Ottawa Centaurs to sign as a free agent this summer. Unnamed sources close to the Centaurs organization tell TSN that on the second day of free agency a deal is all but signed.
Jennifer Hedger: Sources in Boston say the Bears were blindsided by the move and had a deal written up they thought was going to be signed yesterday, but Rozanov and his representation did not discuss it with them at all.
Kate Beirness: Insiders around the league are baffled by the move and speculate a big story in Boston is about to break, but no one seems to know what that story might be.
Jennifer Hedger: Considering the soon to be former Bears’ captain’s dating history, I think we all know what it might be.
July 6, 2018 - 8:00am EDT
Hayden Pike didn’t usually help Shane Hollander pack for his annual cottage sojourn, but his wife Jackie had taken their daughters to her parents’ house for some girls with Grandma time so he and his son Arthur had decided to help Uncle Shane pack.
More precisely, Hayden was sitting in Shane’s bedroom drinking one of Shane’s ginger ales and Arthur and his constant companion Chompy the stuffed alligator were carefully examining every item Shane was putting in his suitcase, passing judgement. An item that didn’t meet their stringent standards was put back in the closet or dresser from which it came.
“Did you hear about Rozanov?” Hayden asked.
“That he’s signing with Ottawa? Yeah. I do pay attention to the hockey world even in the off season. Probably more than you do.” Shane’s answer was flat and unemotional. He hoped the fact that he’d had a hand in engineering this move wasn’t obvious to his best friend.
Hayden was blissfully unaware. “You think he’s running from an angry husband? Relocating across an international border seems like an extreme move.”
“I’m sure he just wants to play hockey.” Shane had discussed with Ilya and his parents how they were going to answer questions like this and the general consensus was deflecting would probably be enough.
“Yeah, we all want to play hockey, but why would anyone play hockey in Ottawa who didn’t have to?”
“Because it’s not Buffalo?” Now Shane was freestyling and that made him uncomfortable.
Hayden appeared to contemplate the calculus of which was the least desirable hockey destination.
Arthur, meanwhile, solemnly rejected Shane’s choice of jeans for his summer getaway. Shane carefully hung them back up in his closet and chose yet another pair of colorful shorts that met with Arthur’s stern approval.
July 9, 2018 - 9:00am EDT
A small dais with a draped table covered with microphones was set up at the front of a conference room at the Canadian Tire Centre. The color scheme was dark and gothic thanks to the black and deep red colors of the Ottawa Centaurs, but natural light streaming through the large windows made the room less brooding.
The press milled about waiting to be told to take their seats.
In an adjoining room Ilya Rozanov stood with the team leadership, whom he’d met for the first time at a welcome dinner the night before.
Bud Greely, Hank Lowry and Justin Bentley had welcomed their new player with the finest meal in Ottawa, attended just by them, their wives and Ilya. Most free agents at Ilya’s stage of career showed up with wives in tow. Ilya briefly wished Shane could have joined them, but chased that thought out of his head before it could send him into a spiral.
These ladies and gentlemen were discreet enough to not ask obvious questions of their new star. The conversation wasn’t quite about the weather, but it wasn’t much less innocuous than that.
The reporters at the Canadian Tire Centre were not nearly as circumspect.
“Why Ottawa, Ilya?”
“I just want to play hockey.”
“You were playing hockey in Boston. That’s not an answer to the question.”
“That is whole answer to question.”
“Why leave Boston?”
“Boston has been very good to me. I leave many friends there. I love the fans and community. Boston will always be my first home from home. The Bears organization has always been kind to me. I do not wish this to reflect badly on them at all. Now I just want to play hockey, and I will play hockey in Ottawa.”
The rest of the press conference was more of the same. Reporters asking questions that amounted to “Why Ottawa?” Ilya deflecting with some form of “I just want to play hockey”.
A few reporters asked questions that Ilya actually found interesting.
“What do you think you can bring to the Centaurs to change their fortunes?”
“Being best player in league is not enough?”
“With your move from Boston to Ottawa, there’s a major realignment in the Eastern Conference. What do you anticipate that’s going to do to the outcomes at the end of the season?”
“I am not fortuneteller. But if I were, I would read my tea leaves and know that Ottawa will finish this season much better than last season.” For a moment Ilya was again that cocky kid with a mischievous twinkle in his eye who’d said “It is lie. Liar told you that. I said 50” all those years ago and the press ate it up.
A stocky, blond bearded young man at the back of the room wearing a Centaurs polo was taking video of the press conference on a phone, which seemed odd to Ilya as there were very expensive television cameras all over the room.
Hank made a point of introducing Ilya to him after the formalities were over. “This is Harris Drover, our social media coordinator. It’s a new position for us and we’re looking forward to him working closely with our players to build fan engagement and community buy-in. Or at least that’s what his boss Theresa tells me to tell all the players.”
Harris extended a hand. “Hi, I’m here to make you guys look good. Let me know what I can do to make your transition here more comfortable.”
Ilya was used to being guarded with front office staff. Harris was clearly not the front office staff he was used to. “I look forward to working with you. I know Boston had people doing this, but they did not talk to players much. Let me know what is expected of me.”
Harris accepted an invitation that Ilya hadn’t realized he’d extended. “First off, I need the handles of any of your social media accounts. We don’t want access, just to be able to follow you with the official accounts so we can boost any team related posts you make. We expect every player to have Instagram or Twitter. Both is better. Facebook is pretty standard but we don’t do the bulk of our engagement on there. If you have one, great. I’ll make sure we monitor it and promote any posts there you want promoted, but don’t feel the need to live your life online. A friends locked Facebook page is perfectly fine for a professional athlete.
“There’s a new app we’re looking into called TikTok. It’s important to be aware of and involved in the new apps, but you can’t leverage too much of your social media resources into them in case they collapse, ‘cause that happens all the time. Right now, while the team is going to have an account, we’re suggesting players not create one until we have a better understanding of how it’s going to pan out.”
It dawned upon Ilya that Harris was the kind of person you let talk until he ran out. There was good information in there, and Ilya would definitely work with the social media team, but it was difficult to concentrate on what Harris was saying for a person whose first language was English, much less for those like Ilya whose first language was otherwise.
“Later, when we start training camps, we’ll film intro videos, mostly for YouTube, of the new players: you, any other free agents we pick up, the trades that’ll happen later and the rookies we just drafted. Obviously not all of them will make the team this year, but it’s good to be prepared.
“Do you have any interests outside of hockey we might be able to feature?” Ilya suddenly realized the wall of speech had paused and Harris was expecting a response.
“I collected supercars, but I am selling most of them rather than move them all across an international border.”
Harris tried to process this and find a way to fit it into his social media world. He failed. “Would you be interested in doing a series of videos teaching our fans Russian hockey terms?”
“That sounds… interesting. We will talk more at training camp.”
Harris understood that to be a dismissal and found someone he very badly needed to talk to across the room.
July 9, 2018 - 12:00pm EDT
“Does the team know you’re staying in Canada?” Yuna Hollander casually asked her son’s boyfriend while they enjoyed a light lunch at the Hollander family home in Ottawa.
“I bought my own airplane ticket and may have suggested I would be returning to Boston later today to ‘get my house in order for the move’ so they did not keep me in hotel this morning. I think their travel secretary does not like me very much already for not letting them plan my travel.” While he knew it wasn’t real, Ilya couldn’t help but imagine the people he would be working with for at least the next five years were finding fault with him.
“They’ll get to love you. You’re a lovable guy.” David Hollander had never bought into the hatred of the rivalry. He’d first experienced Ilya as an 18 year old kid crossing an ocean on his own to make new life for himself on a completely different continent. That image had never fully left David’s imagination.
“I let them pick me up from the airport, but told them I would get myself back, that I am having lunch “with friends” before going back. They do not know I rented car. I will drive to the cottage from here after we are done. Are you going soon?”
Yuna reflected on last summer’s experience at their rural Ontario cottages next door to each other. “I think we’re going to give you and Shane a little space at first. We’ll be out there in a couple days.”
David couldn’t control his excitement anymore, “I’m looking forward to having a reason to root for my Centaurs again. Yuna and Shane are very Voyageur-centric, but I was raised in this town and they’ve always been my team.”
“I will do everything I can to make you proud,” Ilya very seriously replied. He was beginning to understand that being in love with a Hollander meant you were a Hollander. Having never been anything but a Rozanov, being a Hollander was a new and exciting experience.
“As long as you keep beating those fucking Toronto Guardians. That Dallas Kent is just awful.” No one holds a grudge like Yuna Hollander, and Dallas Kent had a tendency to be mean to her baby boy. Rough play Yuna could deal with. She’d put Shane in hockey as a toddler. She knew what she signed up for, but Dallas Kent said things that shouldn’t be said in a hockey rink, or really anywhere. And he said them to the most important people in her world. And now Yuna had two precious hockey boys to protect from the Dallas Kents of the world.
October 4, 2018 - 7:00pm EDT
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the ice YOUR OTTAWA CENTAURS! Mesdames et Messieurs, veuillez accueillir sur la glace VOS OTTAWA CENTAURES!”
“Hailing from Moscow, Russia, number eighty-one. Originaire de Moscou, en Russie, numéro quatre-vingt-un, Ilya Rozanov!”