Chapter Text
It was a complete accident when Soyo stumbled upon Taki’s private Twitter account; an innocuous tweet appeared on her “For you” timeline waxing poetic about the wonders of playing live music, accompanied by one of Tomori’s lyrics. Her brow furrowed and she looked at the account name: @pandaglow0809. The profile picture was a cartoon panda. She rolled her eyes. She almost kept scrolling, but after a moment of chewing on her lip, she followed the account. It couldn’t hurt; she was on her own private account, and there was no way Taki could know it was her.
As an afterthought, she turned on account notifications for it.
Almost two years went by. Every so often, her phone would ping with a new tweet from Taki. Most earned an eye roll at how cheesy they were—Soyo had always pegged her as a romantic, but sometimes it went further than even she had ever assumed. Some, usually the ones posted directly after a live show, tugged at the corner of Soyo’s mouth, pulling it into a ghost of a smile. After a while, she enjoyed playing a game with herself in the dressing room, watching Taki out of the corner of her eye and trying to predict when the newest tweet would appear. She got pretty good at it.
Sometimes the tweets dipped into more… negative territories. Those usually came in the middle of the night, decrying her inability to do anything right or lamenting her lack of talent. The first time Soyo woke up to one of those tweets, she found a random panda video and sent it to Taki without thinking.
Soyo:
<video attached>
Taki:
What’s this for?
Soyo wanted to slap herself. This was so beyond out of character for her. How obvious could she be? She had to deflect.
Soyo:
Is it so wrong for me to share videos I find that I think you would enjoy?
Taki:
I guess not…
Thanks. It was cute
Crisis averted. Soyo made a mental note to be less obvious about it in the future.
On a random February evening in their third year, Soyo came out of the bath to discover a deluge of tweet notifications. A pit opened in her stomach at the very first one, and it sank deeper and deeper as she read more. “What’s even the point anymore?” “Why the fuck do I even bother trying?” “Why can’t I do anything right?” “This fucking sucks.” “Way to fuck up the rest of your fucking life.”
“Maybe I should just disappear.”
Soyo’s heart froze at that one. She closed twitter and opened her messaging app.
Soyo:
Taki-chan, come over.
Taki:
Haah?
Soyo:
Come over to my place.
Taki:
Why should I?
Soyo:
This isn’t a request, Taki-chan.
Taki:
Are you really gonna push this?
Soyo:
Of course.
Taki:
…
Fuck you, I’ll be there soon
Okay, step one complete. Now Soyo needed to actually figure out step two. Her fingers had acted before her brain, but despite not having a real plan for once Taki showed up, she knew she had made the right decision.
Taki shouldn’t be alone right now. Solitude amplified despair.
Fifteen minutes later, the call box buzzed, and Soyo let Taki into the building. Shortly after, two sharp knocks rapped against her door. She opened it. Taki stood in front of her, arms crossed and foot tapping against the floor. A scowl clouded her expression, but after so many years of knowing each other, Soyo had learned to see past it. Hastily applied makeup didn’t completely hide the red rings around her eyes. And despite Taki’s best attempt, her attempt at animosity couldn’t fully replace the deep pain in her eyes.
“I’m here,” she said after a moment of silence. “What do you want?”
“It’s nice to see you, too, Taki-chan,” Soyo said through a smile they both knew was fake. She stepped to the side. “Please, come in.”
Taki sighed but complied, stepping inside and taking her shoes off.
“Would you like something to drink? Tea? Coffee?”
“I’m good.”
“I see.”
Oppressive silence filled the apartment. Only now did Soyo fully consider her own ineptitude when it came to offering sympathy or consolation. At the same time, Taki seemed like the kind of person least likely to appreciate more traditional attempts at cheering up. They were similar in that way. They were similar in a lot of ways, really. Maybe that was the path forward.
“Why am I here, Soyo?” Taki eventually asked.
“Let’s sit down.” Soyo did so, taking a seat on the couch before patting the spot next to her. Taki stared at her before also sitting. “I suppose you’re here because I didn’t want to risk you disappearing on me.”
The words hung in the air between them. Understanding slowly dawned on Taki’s face; her fake scowl gave way to uncomfortable surprise.
“How the fuck did you know about that?” she whispered.
“You’re really not as covert as you think you are, Taki-chan.”
Surprise morphed into anger. Soyo recognized it. It was the anger of a hurt animal backed into a corner, ready to lash out. She prepared herself.
“That account is private!” Taki yelled.
“It’s very much public, considering I was able to stumble upon it randomly.”
“You know that’s not what I meant!”
Soyo lifted an eyebrow. “Then what did you mean?”
“No one was supposed to care about those posts.”
“Yet you still made them. Posted them online where, in theory, anyone could see. Anyone could respond. Anyone could reach out a hand in support.” Very slowly, Soyo extended her arm and placed her hand on Taki’s knee. Taki flinched at the contact but made no attempt to escape from it. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Taki looked away. “Like you actually care.” Her voice cracked.
“Wouldn’t that make it easier?”
Silence once again hung between them. Soyo didn’t know if this was working, this pushy yet impersonal approach. She hoped it was; she didn’t know anything else to try.
Taki’s leg twitched, and Soyo retracted her hand. Then Taki pulled her feet up onto the couch and buried her face in her knees.
“Every single university I applied to rejected me.”
Ah….
“You and Tomori got accepted into your top choices,” Taki continued. “Hell, even fucking Anon got into hers. But I couldn’t get into any. Not a single one.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “Maki got accepted to everywhere she applied.”
“It’s not the end of the world to take a gap year.”
“It is to my parents.”
“…There’s still the later admission period,” Soyo tried.
An ugly laugh burst out from behind Taki’s knees, wet and venomous. It served as all the answer she needed.
Obviously there wasn’t a nice, clean solution to all this. If there were, Taki would have taken it already. There was no magic phrase Soyo could say to make the situation better; she didn’t have Anon’s empathy or Tomori’s way with words. But there was one thing she could do. It might not solve everything—or anything, really—but she had a hunch it could at least pull Taki through the deepest portions of her despair.
Soyo stood up and said, “I’ll draw you a bath.”
That got Taki to raise her head. A few tears had slid down her cheeks, and more welled up in the corners of her eyes, waiting to spill. But her expression had returned to confusion.
“Hah?”
“I have a spare night shirt you can use. It might be a bit long, but it should still work.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Taki asked.
“Obviously you’re staying the night.”
“Says who?”
“Says me. This isn’t a request, Taki-chan.”
Taki lowered her feet from the couch and swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “Are you gonna be pushy about this, too?”
“Of course.” And she slipped into the bathroom to prepare the bath.
Soyo might not have magic words or empathy.
But she would be damned if she let Taki be alone right now.