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Regulus had been alone for a year and a half now. He turned 16 five days ago. It was a lonely birthday, his parents had not even sent a letter— which was unfortunate considering he’d talked about it most of the summer.. or at least, he’d brought it up subtly. He mentioned he might go to Hogsmeade, or that maybe he’d come home during winter this year for once so they could celebrate.. even if it would be three months late.
Sirius left last year. He’d moved out to go live with his friend James— whom Sirius referred to as his brother more often than not. It wasn’t a nice feeling to hear that, however Regulus kept that thought to himself. He hadn’t spoken to his brother since he left, and even before he had gone.. they barely spoke. It was mostly arguments. Regulus had always felt a bit lonely, he had two friends who he actually spoke to. Even then, they were closer with each other, they rarely spoke to Regulus unless it was needed.
Yes, Barty and Evan were nice it was just.. sad. They had each other; Regulus never felt like anything more than a third wheel around them. They missed his birthday as well, though they treated Regulus to chocolate frogs and sugar quills as an apology the day after. He liked jelly slugs … But that was alright, it wasn’t something to fuss over. It would be childish to be upset over something as little as the wrong sweets.
But.. it wasn’t just the sweets. No matter how many times Regulus could repeat in his head that he was being overdramatic, a part of him knew it was okay to feel the way he did. That part was invalidated, heavily. Not by anyone else, just.. by his own thoughts, his own mindset.
Among the awful thoughts which Regulus considered dramatic, there was a certain one. One that had determined most of Regulus’ future, really.
I will be gone by november.
… He found it silly; acting on it hadn’t been much of a thought until recently. He supposed the birthday thing had just been a last straw. He’d spent the past week writing something akin to letters— he wrote one to a different person each day. The first day was Evan, then Barty, then Pandora, then Remus. Today he was writing for Sirius. .. that was the last person on his list. He woke up three hours before classes that morning, he sat at his desk.
The others were still sleeping so he had to keep quiet— the space was dimly lit by the moonlight coming through the window. Regulus had never been much of a writer, perhaps it was just a natural talent of his.
Sirius. We have not spoken for a long while, and I believe by now I’ve come to peace with that. I’m sure that you will be angry when you read this, I suppose that’s easier than disappointment. You were always better at expressing anger compared to me. I don’t expect you to forgive me for the things I allowed to happen, I am happy you’ve found peace somewhere else— somewhere without me. This was not an easy decision of mine, and I am sorry. I admired you, you showed me that there was something beyond that house. It’s saddening I will not get to see beyond it; but this has been a long time coming, I think. I wish I could have been brave enough to speak up, because then maybe you would not have left. I loved you, and I still do. I’m sorry to leave you now, because I know the pain of being left behind.
-Regulus.
The words sounded pathetic on paper, Regulus almost cringed at himself. He was aware of how he sounded, it took a lot of strength not to simply crumple up the piece of parchment and toss it to the side … however, he figured since he wouldn’t be around to see the reaction of Sirius, did it really matter?
He allowed the ink to dry, he set his quill on his desk beside his others. Once the ink was dried he folded the piece of paper and set it with the other four letters, he had kept them all in envelopes beneath his pillow. It was the best place to keep them hidden, otherwise someone might find it.
The day progressed after that, Regulus spoke to his friends as if everything was normal. None of them knew what he had planned to do just the day after, not one of them knew evidence of his pain rested on his left wrist. There had been a quidditch game that day, Slytherin against Ravenclaw. During this game, Regulus had been told he was not allowed to play because he had gotten into trouble a day or two ago— he had hexxed someone. Unfortunately, that was frowned upon. Despite the fact, Slytherin still won, of course they did.
So when Regulus went back to his common room as the moon began to rise, he had expected the loud music and the noise of Slytherin house. Others were there of course, Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs— even a few Ravenclaws, though most of them were still bitter about their loss. As Regulus stepped through the door, Evan was quick to toss an arm around him, practically sweeping him through the crowd.
Evan held a red solo cup in his hand, presumably filled with firewhisky. “Hi Reggie. You want a drink too? Tastes real good.” He spoke with a grin, seemingly tipsy already. Regulus smiled back, though it didn’t reach his eyes completely. “I’m alright, Evan. Thank you.” His voice was softer than usual, “If I do not stay sober, who’s going to look after you?” The words were mostly a tease, but it was also totally true.. seeing as Barty was currently dancing with two girls at once with all his energy— it was a wonder nobody saw him as clinically insane.
Evan gave a quick nod and a dramatic sigh. “I suppose that’s fair.” He said, holding one hand up in mock surrender. “Oh, hey. I saw your brother earlier.” .. the statement made Regulus’ smile drop, he gave an awkward nod. “Okay? … and?” It seemed sudden to bring up. “No I mean like- here. Like I saw him go over to the beds and stuff with one of his friends. The uh.. the one with like, glasses.” James, right. yeah. “The other two are here as well but they’ve been in the corner the whole time.” Evan added on, gesturing toward Remus and Peter who were talking to each other away from the crowd.
Regulus’ heart dropped the moment he saw them, because it was proof that— Sirius was in fact there. … the beds? Why on earth were they over there anyway? “Oh, yeah, okay. Thank you for telling me, why were they by our beds?” Regulus asked, glancing over past the wall that separated their sleeping quarters from the main room. Evan shrugged, “Probably looking to prank people who are trying to get it on, yeah?” He said with a grin, waggling his eyebrows. That comment earned a nudge from Regulus. “Ha ha. Hilarious.” It was obviously sarcasm. He managed to slither away from Evan’s arm, offering a fake yawn. “I’m going to head to bed. It’s been a long day, you know.”
Evan gave a quick nod, he was sober enough to detect the lie— but he didn’t say a word. It wasn’t his business. When Regulus finally managed to get away from the crowd, he let out a deep sigh, staring at the ground as he walked toward his bed. He had left his sweater on the bed- so he’d planned on changing into that after classes. Instead of being met with his clothes, he was met with a figure sat on his bed.
Sirius. Oh.
Regulus tensed within a second, his entire body going rigid. .. maybe it was because the sight of Sirius had shocked him, or maybe it was because he saw the parchment in the boys hand. “It’s saddening I will not get to see beyond it.” Sirius read aloud, glancing up just barely to see Regulus. His eyes were fixed on the paper. … shit. Clearly he had not done a well enough job at hiding the letters. “You shouldn’t even be here.” Regulus spoke, his voice coming out cold. By now, Sirius knew better than anyone else that it was a facade to seem as if he did not care.
Sirius didn’t speak for a moment when he finished reading, he simply set the letter down on the bed. He wouldn’t look at Regulus; not yet. “I read the others too, you know. I didn’t quite expect to see my name amongst them.” Sirius added, his voice sounded half full and half wounded— as if he wasn’t sure how to react to this. Finally, Sirius looked up, he made eye contact with Regulus. .. well, he tried to. Regulus kept his gaze fixed on the floor, his entire body stiff. “Reg. Don’t do that.” Sirius stated, rising from his place on the mattress. He had been referring to the fact Regulus would not look at him.
Regulus suddenly felt a wave of nausea hit him, though he wasn’t completely sure if it was because of the sudden anxiety or the crippling embarrassment he now felt. “I’m sorry.” He spoke, aware he sounded pitiful. “You were not meant to see that yet.” He let out a huff of air, lifting his head slightly. Sirius stood directly in front of Regulus, gently grabbing his face with both hands and forcing him to make eye contact. “I’m not mad. Do you think I’m angry? I’m not.” … it felt odd, really. The last time Sirius had held him was when he was no more than a child.
Regulus could feel his eyes well with tears, though he kept himself from blinking. The letter being found had been stupid enough in his eyes, he didn’t need the tears to come along with it. Sirius could see it, though. He wasn’t dumb. “You’re right, I wasn’t supposed to see this. But I did.” Sirius spoke, taking note of how Regulus seemed to hold his breath. It was like Regulus was trying to make himself as small as possible— to disappear into the very carpet on the ground.
“You wrote this. You said you were going to leave.” “Sirius, please—“ “You said you were going to die. Regulus.” … Regulus seemed to flinch at the sound of the word, the word being said aloud made it feel.. real. It made him realize this was something that they were really talking about. They stood in silence for a while, as if both of them were trying to find the right words to say. “How long has this been on your mind?” Sirius managed to ask, finally releasing Regulus’ face as he stepped back, grabbing the letter from the bed. “I don’t know.” Regulus answered, could he be any more obvious? “Do not lie to my face.” Sirius stated, firm. His tone wasn’t something of anger, it was something of hurt, in a way. He seemed to be trying to understand, but he could not grasp why Regulus would do this.
“I was just tired.” Regulus spoke, wiping his eyes with one hand as he tried to maintain his act of nonchalance. Sirius scoffed dramatically, laughing. It wasn’t a happy one, it was shock. Shock that Regulus would so blatantly lie to him. “Tired? You wrote a goodbye to me and the rest of your friends. Do you take me for an idiot? Why did you not tell me you were thinking about killing yourself?” Sirius’ voice was rising slightly. Perhaps there was a bit of anger now- but it was due to all of the lies, not anything else. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Sirius!” Regulus managed to yell back, his voice rising just as much as Sirius’. Sirius seemed to stiffen, his face contorting into a look of confusion. “You’re my brother. You’re my little brother— you think your death would leave me unaffected? That it wouldn’t hurt me?” He spoke, his voice softening once more as Sirius started to realize the gravity of what Regulus had just admit.
Regulus couldn’t stop it anymore, no matter how badly he wanted to, the tears fell. He felt pathetic, though he would not ask for anything like a hug. He didn’t need comfort, he needed Sirius to leave so he could hopefully get on with this plan sooner. “You found somewhere you belong, Siri. You found a place- where people love you. And I try, I try so hard, but I am not what anyone wants. I tell myself over and over that it does not matter what others think, but it does. It really does.” Regulus began to sob, covering his face with one hand; his breathing became uneven, like he was forgetting how to function in real time. “If I cannot be good enough for anyone, there is no point of staying any longer.” Regulus finally said the words, and Sirius listened to all of them.
He finally started to understand. Regulus had written the letter because he decided himself that Sirius would be better off without him there. And that thought was saddening. “You are infuriating, Reg.” Sirius managed, though there was no malice behind his statement. He sounded soft, softer than he had ever been before. He stepped forward once more, pulling Regulus into a hug against his will. Then, by habit, regulus leaned in, despite his tense posture. He began to sob, he buried his head into the others neck.. but goodness, he was angry. Regulus was really angry. “Just let me go. This isn’t fair— just— please.” He sobbed out, though he made no move to move away from the other. Sirius didn’t let go, despite his own rage bubbling up. But he wasn’t mad at Regulus, that’s not what it was. He was angry that Regulus had felt all of this for so long— and had kept it to himself because he felt as though he had nobody.
“If you are ever under the impression I am angry with you, tell me. I am not. I couldn’t be mad at you, not ever.” Sirius spoke, moving back slightly so he was able to make eye contact with the boy he was currently holding. He watched as the tears rolled down Regulus’ face, similar to the way water would flow down a river. He looked depressing, it was an awful sight. Regulus felt pathetic, more so than he looked in that moment. He hadn’t allowed himself to be vulnerable in ages, this was the first time in a very, very long time. “You are angry with me.” Regulus stated, frowning. “Furious.” Sirius replied with a slight nod, a half smile on his face. “I knew it.” Regulus spoke, words coming out mostly broken.
“I’m not angry with you, I’m angry you felt as though you had nobody. I am here, I always am. I love you too, much more, in fact. You are my brother, and that will never change regardless of anything.” Sirius was being gentle, running a hand through Regulus’ hair as a form of comfort. “… have you “ Sirius pulled back a bit, gesturing toward the other’s sleeves. “ you know.” Sirius couldn’t say the words directly. … the way Regulus’ bottom lip seemed to quiver at the question was enough of an answer.
“Okay. Okay. Hey, it’s alright, breathe.” Sirius spoke. He had never been the best at talking, much less offering reassurance but.. this was different. This was a situation where he would dig to the very depths of his soul just to offer kind words to the person who meant the world to him. “Let’s.. get you cleaned up, yes?” Sirius offered, wiping a tear from the other’s face. He held his hand there for a moment longer. Regulus sniffled slightly, his nose red from crying so hard. “I’m sorry.” Regulus said once more. “The last thing you need to be is sorry.” Sirius began, “I am simply glad you are alive to speak to me. If I hadn’t come to crash this awful party, I wouldn’t have seen you again. I’m glad I came. I’m glad you weren’t able to go through with it.”
Regulus nodded along as each word was said, sniffling and wiping his face with one sleeve as he tried to calm his racing heart. The anxiety had began to dissipate, and he was more than grateful for that. “Do you need a therapy dog? I’m more than happy to deliver.” Sirius spoke, smiling. He had no issue switching to his animagus form— which Regulus had found out about last year before Sirius left. The words were a weak attempt at coercing a smile out of Regulus.
Regulus couldn’t hold back a short laugh, shaking his head. “You’re dumb.” He stated, voice slowly returning to normal. Sirius shrugged. “I think you mispronounced the word funny, it’s alright. I’ll forgive you this time.” He said, the smile not leaving his face.
“Funny? Don’t be all cocky, Sirius. Narcissistic isn’t a great look on you.”
“Everything is a great look on me.”