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“Because I know what it’s like to suffer, I can be kind to others, and because I know sadness, I realise how precious a smile can be.”
The summer sun beat down on the members of WonderlandsxShowtime, it felt as if it was pulsing through the leaves of the trees lining the street. They had performed their show that morning, as it was far too hot the rest of the day. Tsukasa’s booming laugh startled the nearby cicadas and birds into silence before they started to sing again. Or maybe that was because Rui had momentarily gone deaf from being in such short range.
“Even though I was late, you all still put on an amazing show. Tsukasa, Nene, Emu, you’d all fare just fine without me.”
Emu was quick to object with a squeal, Nene told him against talking like that as well, Tsukasa huffed and told him that is unbecoming of a director. Rui was oddly hesitant to dismiss it as a joke, though he eventually did. He followed behind the rest of the group as they discussed getting lunch together. When asked what he’d like to eat, Rui dismissed himself home as he had inventions to work on.
He began his walk home.
“Knowing I’m so dear to them makes this more difficult.”
“I do have the faith that they can perform well if I’m not there.
He wasn’t that important.
“I wonder how Mizuki is doing?”
“It seems their new friends are supportive of them”
“I’m glad.”
“They should be fine if I’m gone, they have other friends now.”
He’ll try not to make it messy, he’s enough of a burden already.
“My classmates aren’t too fond of me, it won’t be an issue for them.”
“I’m confident my teachers can carry on with their lives.”
“My parents have lives outside of me, it’d be selfish to think it’d be that impactful.”
They won’t be home until tomorrow.
“I’ve only been an inconvenience anyways.”
“I’ve always been different.
Maybe he should have had the agency to tell someone he was struggling. He should have put his sharp tools somewhere where he couldn’t so easily access them.
“I’m sorry.”
The cold of the blade grew warm with contact from his skin. Blood beaded up slowly on the first cut. He was hesitating. He’s never done it deep enough to bleed more than a minor wound would. He was too much of a coward. There was more confidence in the next. Then the next. Blood began to stain his pants. His pajama pants had swirls on them. He bought them because they reminded him of Emu. Now they were tainted with his filthiness.
Before he got too dizzy, Rui stood up, stumbling a bit. He caught himself on his desk stool. His vision blurred from either tears or blood loss. He got a nylon rope. He knew how to tie a slipknot as he learned in home economics. He stood on the stool and tied one end to the rafters of the garage. He shoved his head into the loop.
Like the coward he is, he hesitated.
“Maybe I should write notes first.”
“Is this really worth it?”
“I’m scared.”
He kicked the chair.
His neck didn’t snap. He wasn’t deserving of a quick death anyways.
He choked. It burned. He clawed at his neck.
Eventually, whether from suffocation or his cuts, he went limp.
In middle school, Rui and Mizuki discussed the absence of God.
In high school, they joked about past conversations.
Tsukasa was worried about what Rui had said earlier, so like the good friend he is, he checked on him. He waited until after his lunch with Nene and Emu, since then he’d have free time. He knocked on the door, when he got no answer, he suspected Rui must be invested in one of his creations. Luckily, he had a spare key! As a star like him is always prepared. He stepped in. He called for Rui. He got no answer. He opened the door to the garage. No sound left his mouth. Maybe a choked gasp if one listened closely.
Looking back, he wishes he arrived sooner.
Looking back, he wishes he saw the signs.
Looking back, he wishes he had expressed how dear Rui was to him.
Looking back, he wishes he told Rui that he loved him.
Whether his affection was platonic or not, Tsukasa knew that wishing wouldn’t change anything.