Chapter Text
The flowers at your grave from the funeral have begun to wilt. Kurt says he’s going to bring you more when he gets home from his mission. I would, but I don’t know if I can stand seeing you right now. Not you. What they could find of you. The ‘you’ I cradled in my arms, skin to skin, your heart still. And cried, because I had never gotten to truly hold you. And I never would.
There are itchy, healing scabs on my shoulders. I promised you it was in my past, just something that had happened while I was first discovering my powers. I was telling the truth, and you believed me. I threw away the blade the second I finished and realized what I had done. I had failed you once again. You thought I had given up loving you and you still gave up your life to protect me. God, what kind of a person am I? I can’t even begin to function properly without you.
The others have all been giving me space. They were barely able to calm me down after Genosha. I wanted to tear that man who made those Sentinels limb from limb. And I would’ve if they hadn’t stopped me. Told me that’s not what you would’ve wanted. They’re lucky they’re right. But now they treat me like I’m some wild animal who’ll bite if they get too close. I’m not going to snap like a bear trap. Can’t they see that? I let Jean look into my mind, to confirm to her that I really wasn’t going to hurt anyone. But she still looks wary of me, even if she doesn’t mean it. None of them mean it, but they do it anyways. At least Kurt is acting the same as he usually does. He’s mourning too, but having any sort of normalcy is… calming. We’re still the same people, even with a part of us missing. Although I feel as if the part of me missing is far larger than anyone else’s. You were my everything. You told me I was your everything, but I didn’t believe you. I thought being with you was greedy. That I was causing you harm, making you be with someone you couldn’t touch. But by the time I realized how much more it hurt you to have left you, It was too late. Erik got into my head. Told me things would be better this way. Can’t believe I fell for it again. I try not to blame myself for it, but It’s hard to not see myself at fault.
I can hear Kurt enter the room. A puff of smoke before gentle footsteps. He peeks around the doorway into the kitchen, where I stand with a cup of boiling hot coffee. The smell keeps me grounded. He enters the kitchen calmly, softly smiling.
“Rogue, mein sister. I brought the flowers you asked for.” Kurt smiles, handing me a bouquet with a beautiful arrangement of dark red & white flowers. They’re fresh, completely unwilted, and gorgeous. I softly gasp.
“…Thank you, Kurt.” I smile back at him and take the flowers from his hand. It's been too long since I cracked a genuine smile. Kurt’s always able to bring one out of me.
“How are you holding up?” Kurt inquires, leaning against the counter. He starts up the coffee machine for himself, the pleasant smell of espresso filling the kitchen.
“Every day is easier. But I still see him everywhere. I moved into one of the spare rooms yesterday, just for now. I know it’s weird, but our room still smells like him. I get nightmares about his last moments, and when I wake up, I reach for him. He’s the person I ran to, but now… I have no one.” I bit back tears, clenching my mug tightly.
Kurt nods. “Even as we were at Remy’s funeral, I still mistook his father for him when I heard his voice. I will not pretend to understand what you are going through. But I do empathize. Und in some parts, I relate.”
“Thank you again, Kurt. I’m glad I at least have you and the X-Men to rely on. That’s more than I could ever need.” My grip loosened, taking a deep breath. Even if they’re hesitant around me, I have to remind myself they still care.
“Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you can always talk with me und Jean. With any of us. Remy may have been closest to you, but he is not all you have.”
I nod. “Kurt? I think I’ll take these to Remy myself. I think I need to see him again. And some fresh air will do me some good.”
“If you truly want to, I will not stop you.” Kurt looks at me with a serious look in my eyes, as if gazing into my soul. I tighten my grip around the flowers and leave the kitchen.
As I walk outside, I can feel the weight of my heart increasing with every step. Making it harder and harder to keep moving. It keeps repeating in my head. The moment in which I truly lost you. If I had been stronger, you’d still be here. I could’ve stopped it. I turn the corner. The picture of you is gone, but seeing your grave still crushes me. Remy Etienne LeBeau. My sugar. Even in my worst moments, you held me as close as you could and told me you loved me. And I said I loved you. You brought me so much joy, so much confidence. Why must everything I care for be taken from me? What am I meant to do without you?
I put the flowers in front of your grave, tears flowing down my cheeks. My heart has become too heavy to move, even with super-human strength. But, even still, I turn around, make the cut across the pathways, and go back inside the mansion. Because for you, I will keep moving.