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“This film is crap.” Isak tells his dad.
“There’s nothing else on, Isak.”
Isak groans and sinks further back into the couch. They’re watching a cheesy Christmas movie that’s making Isak cringe, and snacking on the cheese bites that are on the table. It’s not a terrible day. His mother left earlier this morning and now it’s just the two of them. They’re “bonding” as his father puts it. Isak can admit that he doesn’t hate it. He’s still struggling a little with his anger. He still can’t get past the fact his dad left the moment things got a little difficult. But then again, who is he to talk? He left too. It’s a sobering thought now that he’s beginning to understand a little of what his mother is going through. He’ll make it up to her somehow.
“I gotta get this.” Isak says when his phone starts ringing, Even’s name popping up on the screen. He gets to his feet and walks into the hallway, answering with a smile on his face.
“Are you back at the flat yet?” Even asks.
“No, I’m still at my dad’s. Why?” Isak frowns.
“It’s nothing. I was just going to ask if I could come over.”
“Is everything okay?” Isak asks, worry blossoming in the pit of his stomach.
“Yeah, it’s just… tough day, I guess. I’ll be fine though. You should get back to your family.”
“Do you want me to come over?”
“Nah, it’s okay. You should be with your parents.”
“Even, do you want me to come over?” Isak asks again seriously. “I’m only watching TV with my dad. He won’t mind.”
“I— If you’re sure that’s okay.” Even sighs.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, hello Isak. I wasn’t expecting to see you today!” Mrs Bech Næsheim says when she opens the door, clearly a little surprised, but kind and polite as ever.
Isak smiles a little sheepishly. “Sorry to disturb you. Even messaged me.”
She nods, her smile turning sad. “He’s not doing so well today.”
“He said he wanted to see me.”
“He’s in his bedroom.” She tells him, waving him inside. “Feel free to go through.”
“Thank you.” Isak says, toeing his shoes off and walking through the house.
He knocks on Even’s bedroom door and opens it gingerly when he gets no response. It’s dark inside, the only light the small sliver of moonlight that is shining through the small gap in the curtains. He closes the door behind him quietly and then climbs the ladder up to Even’s bed. He crawls across the mattress until he’s lying beside Even, then shuffles forward until he’s pressed to Even’s back, wrapping his arm around Even’s waist. He jumps to begin with, but then settles back when Isak whispers, “It’s me.” Even places his hand on top of Isak’s and sighs deeply.
“You doing okay?” Isak asks.
“Tired.” Even replies.
“You can sleep. I don’t mind.”
“You’ll stay?”
“Yeah. As long as your parents won’t mind.”
“They won’t.” Even says with a shake of his head. He rolls over to face Isak and presses their foreheads together, his blood shot eyes falling closed.
“Did something happen?” Isak asks.
“No, I just find holidays hard. You’re supposed to be happy, right? I guess I just always get disappointed when I don’t magically feel better, as if that was possible. It feels like I’m letting everyone down.”
“You’re not well right now. It’s okay. They understand.”
Even sniffles. “I just wish I could be okay. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”
Isak swallows thickly, lifting his hand so he can stroke Even’s hair. “You’re going to be okay, Even. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon. You usually get better, right?”
“Yeah.” Even sighs. “It’s just… when I’m bad like this, it’s difficult to remember what it’s like to be okay.”
Isak tips his face up and presses a kiss to Even’s forehead. There’s a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach, a pain that stems from the fact there’s nothing he can do to take his boyfriend’s suffering away.
“I’m going to ask for one more thing from you this Christmas.” Isak says.
“What?”
“That you’ll always tell me when you need me. That you won’t make yourself go through this alone.” Isak says, gazing deeply into Even’s exhausted eyes.
“You’ll get tired of me.”
“No I won’t.” Isak says sincerely.
“Trust me. Even my parents get fed up of it sometimes. It’s not easy to be there all the time, not when it seems like it’s been going on forever.”
“Do you remember what I said? We’re taking this completely chill. Stop worrying so much about how I’m going to deal.”
“I just don’t want to make your life harder or make you miserable. And I don’t think I could stand watching you start to resent me.”
“Lets stop talking about this. It’s not helping.”
Even sighs and rolls onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. “What do you want to talk about then?”
“How about, what did you do yesterday?”
Even purses his lips as he thinks, then turns to Isak with a small smile. “I learnt a new song on the guitar. I was going to play it for you.”
Isak smiles widely and leans down to kiss Even softly. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Even shrugs.
“Will you play it for me now?”
Even stares at Isak’s hopeful face for a moment and then gives a small nod. “Okay.”
“Come on, let’s get out of bed.”
“It’s cold though.” Even groans.
“I’ll get you your sweater.” Isak tells him. “I want to see the candy cane one on you in person.”
“Because I look cute?”
“Yeah. I doubt FaceTime did it justice.”
Isak and Even climb down off the bed and sit on the ground together, Even leaning back against the bedpost and Isak sitting beside him, a mirror of that day so many weeks ago. Isak passes Even his guitar and then pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them. Even clears his throat and says, “It’s not that great. I’ve only just gotten the hang of it.”
“Just play it.” Isak encourages.
Even nods and arranges his fingers on the strings. The melody that fills the air is soft and soothing, and Isak can’t help but smile at the concentration on Even’s face. He starts mumbling the words to the song and Isak strains to hear. Even can’t really sing very well, but at such a low volume it sounds okay. Isak would love it no matter how bad Even sounded though.
"You've got me surrounded,
It feels like I'm drowning and I don't want to come up for air.
I lost everything, I threw myself in and you took me when no one was there.
Well you can take what you need, take the air that I breathe and I'll give away all that I own.
Whatever I lose, is put back by you in a way that you'll never know”
He finishes playing and looks up at Isak shyly, his legs bouncing up and down nervously on the floor. Isak shuffles across the ground and takes the guitar out of Even’s arms, placing it on the floor beside them. Then he climbs into Even’s lap, one leg either side of him, and leans forward and presses their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss.
“You’re the best. You know that?”
Even bumps their foreheads together, his eyes filling with tears. Isak wipes them from his cheeks when they spill over and pulls him into a hug.
“It’s okay, Even.” Isak whispers.
“Will you stay tonight?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Your dad won’t mind?”
Isak pulls back to look at him, a slight blush to his cheeks. “I sort of already told him I was staying the night.”
Even runs his thumb along Isak’s bottom lip. “Good.”
Even’s stomach rumbles loudly and Isak frowns. “Haven’t you eaten?”
“Not since this morning.”
“Come on. Lets go and get you some food.”
“Toast with cardamom?” Even asks with a laugh.
“If you want.” Isak replies, smiling widely back at him.
“It’s what I eat when I miss you.”
“Are you serious? It’s disgusting!”
Even smiles. “That was a good day, when you came here for the first time.”
“I was nervous, being alone with you.” Isak admits.
“Me too.” Even says. “You know, I had my ID on me all along.”
Isak rolls his eyes. “Of course you did.”
“What?” Even shrugs. “I had to get you alone somehow.”
“You’re so dramatic, did you know that?”
“It may have been mentioned once or twice.”
“I’m glad you tricked me into coming home with you though, even if you did start making out with Sonja in front of me.”
Even blushes. “I needed to see if you were into me too.”
“Asshole.” Isak smirks, pushing Even’s shoulders lightly.
"Your asshole though." Even says.
"Yeah." Isak sighs, running his fingers through Even's hair. "You are."