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Demi thinks about things. About her fake, PR romance. How she likes Joe's new look, his short hair and glasses, and she really does find him attractive, really, but. He's Joe. (He's a boy. He's not her.)
They're still struggling to get into the habit of holding hands when they're out. On the beach he wraps his arms around her from behind, surprising her, and she has to remind herself to smile and relax into it.
And she's happy, she really is. There are so many great things going for her right now, for Joe and his brothers too. Their careers are doing great, there are great things coming, and she knows this fake relationship won't last too long and she's even enjoying spending time with Joe. But as happy as she knows she is, she doesn't understand why when they make plans to hang out at Miley's, and Joe is in another room making out with his boyfriend, and Demi curls up against Miley and cries into her.
There's something tearing at her insides and no amount of soft kisses on her face from Miley will make it go away. She pretends she doesn't hear it when Miley murmurs, "It's okay, she'll come back."
-
The first pictures surfaced of her and Joe hanging out. Holding hands. She's not prepared to kiss him yet. (She wants to keep the memory of Selena on her lips for as long as she can.)
For at least a week she doesn't hear from Selena, nothing, not even anything from Selena's friends. Radio silence.
They finally have a phone call (Demi can't remember who made the call anymore). They talk the same way they have for months now; one step away from awkward, just not quite right. They talk about meaningless things, about how work is going, how their families are doing. Demi interrupts her own story to get out, "Selena... you know it's not real, right?"
And there's an all too long pause on Selena's end before she finally says, quietly, "I know." And it breaks Demi's heart just a little because it really doesn't sound like Selena knows. It sounds like she doesn't know what to think of Demi anymore, and Demi hates that she's given her reason to think that way. She wants to say more, to elaborate, to explain that this isn't what she or Joe want but how it's something they have to do, but her words get stuck in her throat and then Selena is talking again, something about her cousin and a funny thing that happened, and her voice is happy again and Demi just wonders when she stopped being able to tell when that happiness was faked or not. The call ends soon after.
-
There's so much that she can't put into words.
She writes songs every day and nothing ever comes close to expressing what she needs.
There are things that she can only say to Selena with a glance, with her hands, with her lips pressed to soft skin.
She gives in to the impulse to send a text. She doesn't expect a reply; she's not sure what she expects really, she just knows that she has to let Selena know. It's a fraction of what she feels, but it's something:
"I'm still in love with you."
-
Selena finally returns from filming and agrees to meet up with Demi. She goes to Selena's house, stands at the front door for what feels like hours before taking a deep breath and forcing herself to knock softly. She knows Selena is right on the other side, waiting.
The door opens and her breath catches. There is nothing like Selena's eyes. There is nothing like being this close to her.
Selena steps aside to let her enter, shuts the door behind her. They turn and look at each other. Neither says a word and neither moves, and it breaks Demi a little inside to think that this is what they've come to.
She's so scared that things will never be able to be like they were before. Selena's standing there and Demi doesn't know what to do, afraid to even step closer, but then Selena opens her arms for a hug and they fall into each other and it's like breathing again.
"Selena..." Her voice cracks and she doesn't even know what she wants to say.
And Selena just holds her tighter and says, "I know."
She doesn't know how she ever let this go. She's sure that if she loses Selena again she'll die. She's certain there's no way to live without this girl.