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Today’s temperature was average. It wasn’t so hot that it caused people to sweat, nor was it cold enough to require extra layers. The weather had been fine, too, a little rain in the morning opened to partly cloudy skies through the daylight, and when dusk came it would clear to show as many stars as light pollution would allow. Which is to say, today was pretty normal.
Which doesn’t explain why Senzai could possibly be so nervous.
There isn't anything that could have possibly caused this. School had gone through swimmingly, no recent nor ongoing drama or incidents, and Senzai had made sure that his grades were still as great as they’ve always been. And it's not even like he's doing anything now that's weird, since his best friend is trailing behind him and humming in his endearing voice.. which isn’t particularly unfamiliar. The only thing that really could make him anxious was the fact that it was his house, and even then would it be completely irrational—
“..Senzai?”
Since his dad is at work, and Isamu has practice today, and it's just a stupid, stupid thought, and it's completely irregular that he would be so nervous to bring Kibou to his house, into his bedroom.. like he's done a million times before! It’s completely stupid and crazy, and yet.
“… Hellooooo? Earth to Senzaiiii?”
He finds himself feeling that terribly familiar buzz in his stomach, and the sweat on his forehead, and god he needs to listen to his father and man up before he ends up living the life of a sissy with no job or name, and his father is so right about him and—
Senzai’s thought pattern abruptly ends with a hand on his shoulder, giving him a light shake to the torso. Of course, he flinches.
“Jeez, dude, are you okay? You’re, like, crazy fidgety and really quiet..” Kibou is looking at him with his dark puppy-dog eyes, concern creasing his brow (completely messing up his pretty face).
It takes Senzai a second too long to respond. “Yes! Sorry, I got, uhm, a little too caught up in thought. I’m okay though. Thanks.”
Kibou flashes him a smile and they fall back into rhythm again.
Five minutes later they make it to the house, and quickly make a bee line towards Senzai's bedroom.
It only takes the two 30 minutes to forget about the original plan of studying, and now Kibou is lazing about on the bed while Senzai is doodling aimlessly.
They have been idly conversing, from things Kibou overhead from their classmates, to the interesting substitute teacher, and jumping from topic to topic. Currently they were talking about Shinko’s latest boy trouble… because it seems like no matter how much she tries to escape it, boys must follow her everywhere.
Senzai doesn’t get the appeal of romance. He's not against the idea of it… finding a girl to spend the rest of his life with isn't exactly an.. awful.. thought. I mean, he's always figured that he just hasn’t found that girl yet.
Senzai looks up from his sketchbook (the topic of fish came up, and Kibou had spent a great amount of time describing the newest aquatic wonder he’d discovered in his free time. Senzai figured he would try and draw it.) and finds that his company is laying on his back to his right, hands flapping around in the air as he tells the current story. His current position makes his shirt askew, and Senzai keeps catching himself staring at the exposed fat of his stomach.
He pulls himself away from staring again and falls back on the bed.
Somewhere, Senzai had zoned out listening to Kibou rant (“…No but it's, like, totally crazy!! Three boys in one day… Could you imagine! Haha, I'm just imagining your face if three girls came up to you and asked you out!…”,) which is probably why he didn’t notice the bed shifting as Kibou moved to face him.
“I am curious though… What about you?”
Senzai blinked. “What?”
“Crushes! Duh! Do you like anyone right now?” Kibou leans closer and scrunches his eyes. He has an absolutely adorable smirk on his face, and behind him you can see his feet kicking up in the air. So cute.
Senzai couldn’t help but blush.. If it was from the question or the person asking was another conversation. “Oh! Uh, nobody, I guess.. Why do you ask? This is kind of weird coming from you..”
“Boring!” He sticks out his tongue. “I forgot Mr. Uchiumi doesn’t know about fun anymore! He only knows about schoolwork and homework and studying! Well, I guess he has no more time for his good ol’ friend Kibou!”
Said Kibou had now rolled over into a faux-dramatic pose, hand draped over his eyes.
Senzai abruptly sits up. “If I was so into school like you say, then we wouldn’t even be in this
conversation right now!” He pokes at Kibou’s face. “And if it's ‘boring’, what about you? Do you have a secret crush I don't know about?”
Kibou squints his eyes and examines Senzai like one of his marine biology textbooks. “I dunno.”
“You don't know? Seriously, dude?”
“Well yeah, I don't know. I know I like them and stuff, but I don't feel right calling it a crush when they don't know.”
“Why would that be weird? I’m sure if a girl had a crush on you she wouldn’t be so against calling it a crush.”
“Uhm…” He crosses his arms and shrugs. This was weird. Kibou never gets this unsure about speaking, he’s (usually) a speak-don’t-think type of person. This has Senzai getting nervous. “It's just. It doesn’t feel like… right at all. I’ve known h-her for a long time and I feel like I'm betraying our friendship for something that could never happen. Like, at all.”
“…Kibou, that’s stupid. More than usual, for you.” He didn’t laugh at that, only a small huff that sounded forced. This is bad, and Senzai is sure he’s gonna fuck up. He’s never been good at having serious conversations, especially when it comes to the uncharted territory of feelings. (In fact, he would prefer if feelings were never on the table at all.) But he’ll try.
“Shit, okay, I’m not good at this… Kibou, you should never be ashamed of your feelings for someone, and… uhm…” This was so hard. “Okay. Kibou, you are an amazing person, and whoever this is should know that.” He took Kibou's hands.
“If they really like you, they’ll accept you, even if they don't share your feelings. You shouldn’t feel bad just because it would never work out romantically… and stuff.” Senzai coughed.
That earned him a wet chuckle, and Senzai looked up from their intertwined hands at his wet eyes.
“You are really bad at this.” Kibou gave him a watery smile and rubbed his thumb against Senzai’s hand.
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t remind me. I tried very hard, and it worked. Or at least, I hope it did. I’m not you.” Kibou giggled. “But, whoever this girl is, she’s really lucky to have you, and I'm sure you're just stressed out about it. There’s no way that anyone who knows you would pass up the opportunity to date you.” Senzai really had to ignore the sick twisting of his gut that felt a lot like jealousy, and maybe that's why he added, “Hell, if I was a girl, I would date you.”
For some reason, Kibou didn't laugh at that, and only smiled when Senzai met his eyes again, although he did have a weird look in them, and, oh, was he leaning closer? His eyes looked quite gorgeous up close, you can see all the gold undertones.
Kibou’s face was still a little wet from crying, so Senzai brought up a hand to lightly brush his face using a sleeve, and he definitely didn’t leave his hand resting on his cheek.
The extended silence between them was starting to get to Senzai, and he felt the itching of anxiety crawling back. The familiar buzz invaded his gut, and the sentence they left on certainly didn't help. Why would he say that? Dating Kibou was impossible, since he was a boy and so was Senzai, and there isn’t anything wrong with that, but it wouldn’t work for them. Not with Senzai’s family, or his status, and he just isn’t like that, god forbid, he couldn’t imagine his father’s reaction if he found out that his son—
Senzai couldn’t think, considering it was quite hard when your best friend suddenly pulls you forward and kisses you. It was all warm, slightly chapped lips, and soft hair that Senzai couldn’t remember bringing his hand into, and his mind was so, so fuzzy. Kibou is incredible, and Senzai wondered why he would ever deny himself the joy of kissing him.
Kibou brings his hands to lay on Senzai’s waist, and in return Senzai swings his arm around his neck and pulls him closer. Kibou giggles into the kiss and Senzai pokes his bottom lip with his tongue. It was really messy, considering both of them had zero experience in this area, and Senzai was sure that they were doing something wrong, but he couldn’t care less right now.
When Kibou pulls away slowly it takes them a moment to fully pull themselves apart, although Kibou is still resting one of his hands on Senzai’s thigh. They lock eyes and Kibou laughs, but Senzai is too busy admiring his glossy eyes and lips and oh god.
Everything dawns on him, and Senzai flinches back aggressively. This was completely wrong and he was so fucked, letting this happen. Kibou notices Senzai and looks absolutely horrified.
“Oh shit, Senzai, did I misread that? Oh my god I’m so sorry, dude, I didn’t mean to force that on you and I knew that you didn’t feel the same way and I still tr-“
Senzai is quick to shout (a little too loudly) “No! No. I liked it, I really did… And I, uhm, like you too, Kibou-”
“Thank god, I was so worried. Senzai, I really like you.” Kibou rubs the back of his neck. “You’re my best friend and I hope that we can, like, become more. If that’s what you w-”
“-Kibou. This isn’t right. We can’t do this.”
…It takes a second for him to respond. “…What? Senzai, what?”
Senzai takes a shuddering breath and starts fiddling with his sleeve. “Kibou. We can’t do this. I don’t even know why I decided to kiss you!!”
Kibou takes a deep breath. “Senzai.. What do you mean? Did I do something wrong? Did you not like it? Shit, dude.”
“No, it's not that! It’s just, fuck, what would my dad think? Hell, what would anyone think? Kibou, I don’t have anyone to go to if we get.. and.. shit, I don’t want to hurt you, because this is dangerous. I want… it… so bad, and I’ve wanted it for such a long time, but—”
“—Senzai—”
“Please let me finish.” He brought his knees to his chest and covered his face with his hands. “It’s too risky. I have my dad, and my brother, and I’m sure your family wouldn’t care but it’s not just about our families, it's about our teachers and classmates and friends and, fuck, the whole world.” Senzai takes a shaky breath and hopes that the tears won't affect his voice. “People don’t like people like us, Kibou, and if denying myself what I—we both want is what it takes to keep my reputation and my father’s approval and your and my safety, then so be it. Fine.”
There’s a long period where the only sounds were of Kibou’s hard breathing and the occasional sniffle from Senzai, who was still covering his face.
It's what he needed to do, Senzai thought, because no matter how bad it felt it was the right thing, not only for himself but for Kibou, too, and his father and brother, and Kibou’s parents and siblings. This kind of thing couldn’t happen between people safely, and especially not between Senzai and Kibou, where they are right now and the people around them.
Senzai felt his hands were gently pried away from his face, revealing two glossy brown eyes. Kibou’s wobbling frown wavered as he took Senzai’s face in his hands, and brought it closer to him to kiss his cheek gently. He gave a small smile, but it was more for reassurance.
“Senzai, I don’t care about anyone else as long as I get to have you.”
As inappropriate as it was for the situation, Senzai felt all the heat rush to his face. “But—”
“—I don’t care about what might happen, because at least I have you, and that's enough for me.” Kibou takes a deep breath and rubs Senzai’s cheek. “I love you, and no matter how crazy you may think it is, I think that the danger is worth it for you.” He gets uncharacteristically bashful after that. “…Don't you?”
Senzai only brings his head down to rest on his shoulder. “We would have to hide.”
Kibou wraps his arms around Senzai. “How many times do I have to say ‘I don't care’ for you to get it? we don't even have to be anything… official… if you don’t want to. But I want to be with you, no matter what… So… be with me?” He gave a sheepish smile.
This was a bad idea, and Senzai knew it, and that made him nervous. He was so nervous, because the love that he has for Kibou, and the love that Kibou has for him, is something that could get both of them in serious trouble.
For once, despite his anxiety, Senzai didn’t care.
He turned his head to look up at Kibou. “Okay.”
Senzai thinks that, despite everything, it was worth it for Kibou’s smile.