Chapter Text
17:30, April 20th. 1 hour before show begins
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Saeko was practically running around backstage, shouting orders in her ridiculously over the top voice that she possesses.
Kiyoko followed her with a calm demeanor, trying to reach her shoulder to place a grounding hand on it.
Kenma was sat on a chair facing Kuroo, making sure his eyeliner was precise and sharp.
Ennoshita lay on a couch covered with a red-velvety type fabric, repeating the same vocal exercises that the band had most likely grown sick of by now.
Tanaka was sat on the arm of that same couch, right next to Ennoshita's head as he gently stroked his hair.
The pair were sickeningly sweet, and Tanaka was oddly calm.
Yaku was tuning his guitar for the millionth time, grunting as he swore a string was out of tune whilst they were all perfect.
Lev sat beside Yaku with his chin upon the shorter one's shoulder, occasionally saying something about the merch sales and how much he thought would be sold in the half an hour before the show once the merch stand had opened.
He had estimated that four in every five people would purchase merchandise, and the most purchased item would be the tank top which displayed an array of stars surrounding the name of the band.
Daichi was sat on a stool, calmly drinking a bottle of refrigerated cold water.
Sugawara was a nervous wreck in the changing room. The crowd tonight actually averaged the same, if not less than most shows. His head felt empty and his palms were cold and sweaty, it was taking him everything in his willpower not to reach up and tug at his freshly styled hair. Everything felt wrong. He felt incredibly heavy but lighter than a feather at the same time. He felt excited but had an overpowering sense of dread building up in his throat.
Daichi had walked into the changeroom as Suga sat on a chair, shirt half buttoned and eyes wide, whether with shock or god knows what, Daichi had no idea.
"Hey."
Suga didn't respond.
"Kou?"
"Koushi do you hear me."
"Fuck this, not again."
"Not before a fucking show, Koushi! Save this for rehearsals!"
"Can you even hear me?"
"Koushi Sugawara!"
Sugawara suddenly felt a hand on his knee and slipped out of the cage he got stuck in within his mind.
"Are you okay?" Daichi's voice sounded disgustingly sympathetic.
"Yeah."
Daichi grunted, "then what the fuck was that?"
"What was what?" Suga was getting confused, and was hardly able to think straight.
"Whatever the fuck that was! I don't know if you were dissociated or anything, but now is NOT the time!"
"Sorry"
"And don't you dare apologise either," Daichi pulled him into a hug, "just get some water and go find Kenma."
"Alright."
"And Suga?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't fuck up tonight." Daichi said.
"I won't"
"You can't. It's happened too much recently."
The younger one nodded nervously.
Suga stood up and his legs instantly felt weak. He hadn't noticed Daichi had been talking beforehand, he felt awful.
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18:00, April 20th. Half an hour before show begins
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He walked out into the main backstage space just as Lev ran to get into the foyer and to the merch stand, making his way toward Kenma with a horrible tremble in his hands.
He almost felt himself collapse, but reminded himself of Daichi's words.
"Now is NOT the time!"
Ridiculous. He couldn't fucking help it.
"Hey.. Kenma?"
Kenma looked up from whatever he had been fiddling with and his gaze instantly turned to Suga, a flash of pathetic concern across his features before he replaced it with his usual 'locked-in' expression.
"Hey Koushi, Whatd'ya need? Come here for mic?"
"Yeah."
Kenma pulled him aside and grabbed the supplies he needed, tucking the mic pack into Suga's back pocket before grabbing some tape.
"I'm going to be completely honest," Kenma sighed.
"You look like shit."
"Rude."
"You know what I mean, you're clearly not well enough for the show. Knowing you, you're going to be like 'it's no big deal' and go on anyway, but if you make one small mistake it could ruin you entirely, you'll have a breakdown after the show, and you'll call Kiyoko at 2am after getting insanely drunk at a bar. Sound correct?"
Sugawara sighed, rolling his eyes, "yeah."
"So I'd suggest finding anyone. I know you're only really close with Daichi here, and he gets stressed before shows. Well, we all do, but he takes it the worst. I mean, not in the way that you do, but he gets all angry and pushy."
"Uh huh." Suga sighed softly and let out a laugh.
"Find someone, or even something. Just to ground yourself and find peace."
Kenma finished adjusting his microphone and pat his shoulder as Ennoshita began walking over.
"I'm not great at this kind of stuff, but I kind of struggle with it so I get your situation to a certain extent."
"It'll be okay. Kiyoko and Saeko will be side stage the whole time in case you need to come off. Enno can cover."
Ennoshita comes closer, "cover what?"
He then glances at Suga, a sudden understanding washing over him, "oh. Yeah, it'll all be okay. Well.. I can't guarantee that but I can only hope."
Suga gave him a small smile.
"Want a hug?"
The silver haired boy wasted no time and nodded, bringing himself into a tight embrace with the other boy.
Ennoshita pulled from the hug. "You're gonna do great. We'll do great."
"Yes we will!"
"Yay." Kenma grunted.
"Well way to ruin our mood, Kozume!!" Ennoshita playfully laughed.
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18:25, April 20th. 5 minutes until show.
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Lights.
Crowds.
Speakers.
The band.
Daichi.
It would all be okay.
Eventually.
Not now, but it could be.
Sugawara walked across stage as he held a prop microphone. It was really only there for the aesthetics since he preferred to move around a lot more and it felt unnecessary to have a genuine, physical handheld one while being mic'd up anyway.
He could hear the sound of the crowd as he walked on stage.
Loud.
Cheers.
Someone yelling that they love him.
Someone holding up a large sign that he couldn't make out the words on.
His head was spinning and his legs continued to feel weak.
Ennoshita entered and the crowd went crazy.
He knew the rest of the band was now on stage, but he could hardly process it.
Everything could just be in a blink gone.
More cheers.
Screams.
Mist emerging from a fog machine.
This was practically his home.
The one thing that calmed him when all felt lost.
So why was he so stressed?
Daichi walked past him, flashing him a pitied look whilst waving to the crowd with his signature 'charming' smile.
The band looked lovely, it really did.
I mean why wouldn't a rock band look great?
Kuroo and Yaku were both wearing oversized jeans and waistcoats with too many bracelets and chokers to count. Not to mention the eyeliner and overall makeup look they had. He just knew Yaku's clothes weren't staying on much longer after he got to Lev post-show.
Daichi was wearing long, dark jorts, with about 4 different belts and the tightest tank top possible on. Suga tried to not look at Daichi. That was just his best friend and nothing more.
Tanaka looked insane, and so did Ennoshita. Ennoshita had moved from his spot next to the silver-haired vocalist to wrap his arms around the shoulders of the drummer.
Suga felt as if he was being choked.
He looked great. His hair was styled neatly and had been combed back. His makeup was extravagant and sparkly. He wore a cropped tank top and baggy jeans that were only staying up due to the tight belt around his waist. He had a spiked choker on as well as bands and bracelets. He had too much body glitter on to be considered normal.
Yet he still felt shit.
Everything is fucking okay.
Get it together, Koushi.
Speak to the crowd.
You've done it before.
"Hey there," he smirked. The crowd went silent before cheering again.
"Thank you everyone for being here!" Ennoshita chimed in.
"We would not be here without your ongoing support that keeps us here and our band alive!" Sugawara said, a cheesy grin spread across his face.
The familiarity had calmed him, and his hands were no longer shaking.
"Of course, for those who don't know us," Suga laughed, "although if you're here, you probably do."
"We're Celestial Collapse, and we make music under the genre of rock!" Ennoshita smiled.
Sugawara held up a hand, "without further ado, how about we get this show started, huh?"
Everyone cheered.
The lights dimmed.
And then they shot up, right on Suga.
White and purple.
A projector of stars.
The galaxy.
The band.
Celestial Collapse.
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The show was going insanely well.
Almost too well.
Suga's grin was wider than usual, but his heart was racing insanely hard.
He kept stealing glances at Daichi, who seemed to look hotter each time.
He sung as if he didn't need to be able to speak tomorrow.
He desperately tried to ignore the anxiety that kept building up.
He moved around with Ennoshita just as they had planned it.
Choreographed.
Recognisable.
Something that he could remember like his first name.
A band of people he recognised.
Yaku and Kuroo were killing it on guitar.
Tanaka was as perfect on the drums as always.
The lighting was intense but great.
The outfits suited everyone insanely well.
This was the band that he named.
This is what they had all achieved.
This was his life.
He had moved gradually closed to Daichi until the current song had reached a guitar solo and instrumental part.
Sugawara was pressed up against Daichi with his head resting on the taller boy's shoulder.
This was what he needed.
Maybe it was the high of the show, but Suga really wanted to kiss Daichi.
Insanely so.
He could feel Daichi's hot breath right next to him.
He inhaled the scent of the expensive cologne the other normally wore.
His face moved closer to Daichi's.
Seconds away from their lips meeting.
Seconds away from their friendship becoming something more.
The only relationship that the public knew about was Ennoshita and Tanaka, and they already got some shit for it.
Imagine if fans began speculating about him and Daichi.
Obviously none of it would be true, but it could still hurt.
In an instant, he sucked in a breath, before backing off from Daichi and nervously making his way back to the section of the stage which was marked with a large star, in which he spent most of his time singing.
Daichi looked confused.
Empty, almost.
Then annoyed.
His heart was racing faster then it was earlier.
His throat felt lumpy.
His chest felt heavy.
He felt empty.
The snack he had eaten hours before the show felt like a five-course meal.
His head spun.
Fucking get it together, Koushi.
This is ridiculous.
Be the adult you are and just grow up.
Or don't.
Quit while you can.
You useless fuck.
You sound horrible, Ennoshita should be the lead vocalist.
Get off stage.
Get off.
Jump off the stage.
Jump off a cliff.
No one will care.
Just fucking do it.
Shove the microphone down your throat.
Take all the medication that you packed in your bag.
Accidentally slip whilst handling sharp objects.
All these thoughts just circulating in the boy's head.
Ones he couldn't control.
Ones he had tried to heal from for years.
And suddenly they came back.
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The song had finished, and Suga could hardly hold himself up.
Ennoshita noticed and came to his side.
Not touching him.
Just close enough to talk in his ear, glancing up at Kenma to turn off the microphones for a second,
this was serious, the crowd didn't need to know.
His voice was steady and sure.
"Go find Kiyoko or Saeko."
"No, no. I'm fine-" his voice wobbled, "I can do another song."
"No you cant." Ennoshita muttered urgently, "I promise I'm not trying to take your place. I need you to go rest and be okay."
Suga's hands began trembling, his fingers began picking and pinching his skin.
He didn't want to leave stage.
He knew he should.
But he didn't want to.
"I said I'm fine, Enno, just drop it-"
"I said go."
His expression went blank.
He couldn't respond.
What would the crowd think?
There was no time to think about that.
Ennoshita told him to get off stage, and he should listen. It's what's best for him.
Sugawara nodded and made his way off, trembling and feeling as if each step were a million.
This was hell, it felt painful.
He looked around at the band as he made his way off.
He had to act like nothing was wrong so the audience wouldn't worry.
Yaku shot him a worried glance. It felt so sympathetic that Suga felt sick.
He saw Tanaka and Ennoshita share a look.
Kuroo took a step toward Suga before Yaku grabbed his arm to stop him.
Daichi glared at him.
Just a few minutes ago, they were acting all coupley and shit.
They had almost kissed.
Now he seemed like looking at Suga disgusted him.
Sugawara stumbled off stage and into backstage, his heartbeat filled his head as all other sounds became muffled.
This was complete bullshit.
He used to be able to make it through entire shows on days like this.
On days he dreaded getting out of bed.
Even on the days that someone had to show up to his house to get him to eat and take care of himself.
Now he was helpless.
He was entirely fine today.
He called Hinata to ask about how he'd been recently, and that had gone super well.
He cooked a new recipe that he'd been excited to try.
He made a fresh new playlist.
And now he was entirely hopeless.
He thinks Ennoshita is saying something to the crowd. Probably making an excuse.
He got told it was okay.
But it wasn't.
It never was.
You can't just run off stage mid song.
You can't do that.
You can't fucking do that.
Sugawara felt his breaths getting shorter.
His knees shakier.
A feeling he couldn't shake as every sound became ten times louder.
The room felt as if it were shrinking around him.
The same thoughts repeated in his head.
You're shit at this.
Jump off a cliff.
Slip whilst handling sharp objects.
Just fucking end things while you still can.
It's better to do it now rather than later.
Suga almost succumbed to it.
It was long before he had zoned out entirely, slow tears making their way down his cheeks.
He didn't notice.
He didn't try to.
He just stayed zoned out.
Out of it entirely.
Kiyoko had taken a place on the couch next to him.
He hadn't noticed again.
She held a box of tissues out.
Ready.
Just there.
Not pushing.
His makeup was wrecked by now, and of course he chose to use eyeliner that runs like crazy today.
Black streaks lined his cheeks.
All he could think of was how much he had disappointed the team.
His hands unconsciously reached up to tug his hair, but something grabbed his wrist.
Not something.
Someone.
His entire body jolted in fear, but he had snapped out of his daze.
He looked at Kiyoko who sat next to him.
She wasn't waiting for him to say or do anything.
She was just there.
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He eventually grabbed a tissue, wiping his eyeliner from his cheeks.
"Feeling any better?"
Suga sniffled a bit, letting out a small laugh.
"Yeah."
"Thanks, Kiyoko."
He tensed up as he heard the crowd let out a large cheer.
"It'll all be okay. Don't blame yourself for it."
"But-"
"Look, I know you think that it's your fault. I've known that since high school. You thought every time you slipped up that the entire game was your fault. Now you think that your own anxiety is ruining the band. Well, it's not. They're still performing. You don't always need to be there, and you need to focus on yourself more. You should look out for yourself more than the band, though. Your health is much more important. This is just one show. Just like the points you lost in high school were just one point. I want you to just breathe and be here for yourself. Don't focus about what's on stage. The show is almost over and everyone will be here for you. No one will blame you."
"Daichi might-"
"Then he's a dickhead!"
Sugawara's eyes widened, "wow, I can't remember the last time I heard you swear, Shimizu."
Kiyoko laughed, "yeah."
"I still feel bad about having to leave stage in such a rush."
"Don't."
"Hey, wait, Mizu. If you're here, who's supervising the stage?"
Kiyoko nervously smiled, "I left it to Saeko..."
"You're kidding," Suga's face now matched Kiyoko's.
"Well she said she wanted to see her brother killing it on the drums, but also watch Ennoshita and see if he's good enough for him."
"Oh," Suga sighed nervously, "makes sense."
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The show was almost over, and Suga hadn't made his way back on stage. He couldn't. Each time he tried to stand, he felt a wave of dizziness.
He checked his phone after a while. Dozens of notifications filled it.
Multiple social media posts asking where he went.
One even analysed his condition before he left. They'd figured him out. But at the same time, the fans believed it was speculation.
A loud, long cheer came from stage. The show was over.
That was exactly how it sounded at the end of a show.
Loud.
Cheers.
Whistles.
Screams.
The lights went out and it was dark.
Then there was just enough illumination for the crowd to begin leaving and the team to come backstage.
This was it.
He'd face them.
They could be mad.
He knew Daichi would be.
He knew Yaku and Ennoshita wouldn't, they would be there for him.
Kenma would provide silent comfort.
Tanaka would be out of the way, afraid he wouldn't know what to say, same for Kuroo.
And Lev would be stuck at the merch booth, once again.
Footsteps.
A lot.
Voices.
Running.
More voices.
An angry one.
"Suga!"
It was Daichi.