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The roar of the crowd chanting the names of the four boys filled Jiyong’s ears like never before. It had been so long since they’d done something like this, and being back felt so… wonderful. He and the three people who had been by his side for more than half his life, sharing his passion that had become his career. The world of music and having managed to connect with so many people—despite the pressure behind the scenes—was what made Jiyong feel alive.
It was all incredible, almost like the happy ending of a movie. Jiyong, Dae, and Taeyang had all pursued their solo careers these past few years, and in every interview, there was always that inevitable question—“When will BIGBANG be back?”—that had the VIPs so excited. Too much had happened since their last comeback, and the truth was that when Jiyong was asked that question, he didn’t know how to answer: in a way, he had lost so much of himself so many years ago (or even much earlier) that the group wasn’t something that crossed his mind.
Seunghyun had also achieved some of his goals: After a few controversies, he was able to return to the music scene with the release of his new album, which completely shattered the year’s records, leaving all his fans eagerly anticipating his references to how much he missed BIGBANG. Of course, Jiyong noticed this too, and he was very happy for Seunghyun because he was finally making a name for himself again in the world. He was aware of how much Seunghyun wanted to launch his own solo career—his own lyrics, his own beats, his own thoughts—the ones that Jiyong had come to know so well it was as if they were one and the same person.
Jiyong had always admired him so much. He admired the way he rapped, the way he dressed, even the way he spoke. Seunghyun was the definition of perfection for Jiyong—his true idol—and every time he heard his voice, Jiyong felt like just another fan of his bandmate. It was simply incredible. Just as incredible as sharing that stage right now, all of them together, as a family once again.
“BIGBANG FOREVER!” Jiyong shouted toward the stage to bring the concert to a close. This would be the first of many shows on his “COSMOS” tour—one that YG had organized, surely to take advantage of one of its most popular groups to rake in some cash for their bullshit, Jiyong thought, but now, what did it matter? He had everything he could possibly need.
They left the stage, and Jiyong packed up his things to leave the stadium. He didn’t want to have to deal with people watching him leave after all that—after the euphoria of the moment, he was completely exhausted. Almost as if someone were reading his mind, he heard a familiar voice behind him.
“You were amazing.”
Seunghyun was leaning against the doorframe of Jiyong’s dressing room, looking him up and down. The rapper’s outfit for the night consisted of a suit jacket over a black shirt, highlighting his usual elegant figure. Jiyong didn’t know what to say—it had been many years since he’d heard those words.
“Thanks, you too,” he said, playing it down. “Hey, let’s get out of here. Let’s go somewhere before it’s officially dawn—I want to get away from all these people for a bit.”
Once again, as if he could read his mind, Jiyong walked out of the dressing room with Seunghyun following behind him. Dodging security and avoiding awkward questions from YG staff, they slipped out through one of the stadium’s back doors. Jiyong nudged Seunghyun, signaling him to start running before some crazy fan in the crowd spotted them.
They started running and laughing like two half-drunk teenagers, but what can you say? When exhaustion and joy hit at the same time, it’s like you’ve had four bottles of tequila. Jiyong, who was always faster than his friend, made sure Seunghyun kept running behind him.
“Don’t stop now, man—we haven’t gotten anywhere yet!”
At some point, the two of them walked into a forest: small enough that they wouldn’t get lost, but big enough to get away from the crowd for a while.
“Is this where you wanted to go?” Seunghyun asked after stopping, clutching his hands to his knees.
“I don’t know,” Jiyong replied. His heavy breathing could be heard from miles away.
Seunghyun sat down on the ground, exhausted, and Jiyong followed suit, sitting right next to him.
“Today was incredible, and we still have a whole World Tour ahead of us—how crazy is that! It’s been a while since we’ve done this as Big Bang—aren’t you excited?”
The rapper hesitated before answering.
“Sure.” His words were almost distant.
“Didn’t you miss this?” Jiyong asked.
“Well…” Seunghyun fiddled with his fingers before answering. “Yeah, sure, but now I remember why I left: too much fuss for an audience that might be here because of your solo work or anyone else’s.”
"Is that what you think of “teamwork"?" Jiyong laughed
"I’ve always thought so,” Seunghyun admitted.
An awkward silence fell between them.
"Don’t get me wrong, I love the fans, but I think they’re quick to judge. Most of them don’t even support us—I’ll bet you anything you want."
"Why else would they have come? Come on, Hyung! The audience adores you! Didn’t you see that back there?"
Seunghyun looked at him.
"If you say so…"
Jiyong laughed and nudged him.
"Don’t talk nonsense! You were incredible. Everything was incredible."
Incredible, incredible, incredible… that was the word that had been repeating itself in Jiyong’s head ever since he stepped onto that stage a few hours ago.
"I know. But it’s not the same as when, for example, you and I were in the studio years ago rapping for each other, or when you were excitedly showing me your lyrics… That, to me, was truly incredible."
Jiyong knew it. Those nights in the studio were part of his memories with Seunghyun from back when they were in BIGBANG, or like when the two of them put together their own album all by themselves.
“Do you miss that?” Seunghyun asked him.
Jiyong didn’t hesitate with his answer.
“Of course.”
They fell silent, but not in an awkward way like before—rather, it was… comforting. Jiyong wasn’t usually one for long silences, but that was normal when he was with his bandmate, no matter how chaotic things could get at times.
“If you could go back, would you change anything?”
That question slipped out of Jiyong’s mouth as if he’d been waiting for the right moment to ask it. He wasn’t one for getting all philosophical, but he needed to know the answer.
"There are so many things I’d change…" Seunghyun replied, touching the back of his neck. Jiyong knew what he meant by that.
"What about you?"
Jiyong also knew the answer to that question. But he didn’t want to bring up that taboo subject on a night like this.
"Yeah."
They fell silent.
“I’m sorry,” Jiyong murmured.
“It’s okay.”
He reached out his hand toward Seunghyun’s, which was resting on the ground. Another silence followed. The rapper’s hand felt cold, not as rough as he’d remembered. Jiyong was finally exhausted from the whole night, and being able to spend it with Seunghyun until it was time to go back to that damn hotel while they were lost in the middle of the city was…
"JIYONG! What the hell are you doing here?"
He turned to see Taeyang yelling at him from a distance, holding two bags of clothes in his hand. Apparently, he’d left his behind.
"I’ll be right there" Jiyong told him.
He walked over to Taeyang to pick up his things.
“Where were you? You left without saying a word! And who were you talking to?”
Jiyong turned toward the spot where he had been sitting just a few seconds ago.
“Oh.” Taeyang figured it out. “Let’s go—they’re waiting for us.”
As almost always since years ago, Jiyong couldn’t put into words just how much he missed him. But as long as that little paradise of fantasies and madness—which happened when he was alone in his own world, just him and his thoughts—no one was going to take it away from him; a paradise that, once he entered, he never wanted to leave.
Although Jiyong would have preferred a different kind of paradise. One where he wouldn’t have to look up at the sky every time he wanted to greet the one who was and always will be the love of his life.