Chapter Text
"What are you doing?"
Nirei freezes as he hears the voice of his boyfriend right behind him. Said boyfriend was supposed to be gone on an errand and left barely 13 minutes ago, he definitely shouldn't be back. He should be at the market, buying groceries for the week. Nirei estimated he would be gone for 37 minutes, 34 if he took the shortcut, but certainly not 13.
Except he isn't. He isn't and it leaves Nirei in an awkward position; with a phone that isn't his in his hands, blinking as he struggles to find a good excuse that isn't "I'm looking through your phone because you never tell me anything."
That would probably sound bad, right?
"I'm c-cleaning the room?" Yeah, way to go, he's definitely going to believe that.
The silence following his words only confirms his thoughts, Suo definitely doesn't buy that and he's not amused by the situation at all.
"And how did that end up with you being on my phone, exactly?"
"Hayato-san, I-" the phone is quickly snatched from his hands despite his attempt to hide it, "I didn't mean to go through it per-se, I-I just noticed you left it, which you never d-do! So I was surprised and got curious—"
"So you thought it was ok to just take it and see what you'd find?" Usually, he would be thankful for Suo to cut short his rambling before he can spiral down but all he can hear is a condescending tone doubled with sharp words from his boyfriend and he isn't quite sure how to process that.
"I don't understand why you're so secretive about your phone. Am I going to find something bad? Are you flirting with someone else?" He didn't mean to sound so accusing but the words left him before he could think about what they meant.
Suo raises an eyebrow.
"I didn't think my very own boyfriend would go around my back to go through my stuff. Should I feel unsafe in this apartment, Akihiko? I thought this was supposed to be a shared space, not an investigation scene." The lack of nickname and coldness in his voice almost makes him apologize.
Almost.
"Should I feel unsafe with someone who tells me nothing and hides everything all the time?" Nirei can see Suo biting his lips, as if trying to regain composure and avoid saying things he'll regret.
Nirei kind of wishes he would blow up and get angry, though.
Anything that would prove that he's special and that Suo lets himself feel things around him.
But no. Instead, he's faced with the perfect mask of Suo Hayato, the perfect boyfriend who never gets angry and always deflects when the discussion starts orbiting around himself.
"I wouldn't have to hide anything if you'd let me be instead of snooping around the very second I let my guard down." He turns around as if ending the discussion and Nirei feels bewildered.
"Where are you going?"
"To the market, I came back because I realized I forgot my phone so I still have to go."
"That's not what I mean, you're leaving right now... Like that? We're not done talking."
"Aren't we?"
He... Can't be serious, right? He can't just abandon the conversation whenever he doesn't like where it's going.
"No! We're not! I'm not!" Suo looks at him, clearly surprised by his refusal.
"Why do you want to keep on arguing when you were the one in the wrong?" And Nirei hates that although he had his reasons for doing it, he was indeed in the wrong for going through Suo's phone.
But he knew something was up, knew Suo was hiding something, deliberately avoiding a few topics and seeing his phone made him think that maybe he'd have his answers.
And he did with the message and calendar notification of an hospital check up scheduled.
"Because were you planning to tell me you had an hospital check up planned tomorrow?" Suo winces at that and Nirei feels some sort of relief seeing Suo react. It feels like a proof that he wasn't crazy for thinking Suo was hiding something.
"It's nothing important—"
"Important enough that Rakta-san is asking at what time your train leaves and to let him know when to pick you up because apparently the check up is happening in Bankoku-Gai."
Suo is not looking at him as he sighs softly.
"I told you I was busy tomorrow, I didn't hide it."
"Yeah, but you wouldn't think that an hospital check 3 hours away from Makochi would be worth mentioning?" Nirei doesn't understand why he still hides that kind of things.
Why does Suo still feels like he needs to keep his perfect image with him? Why doesn't he share anything with him? Is he that unworthy of opening up? Is Nirei not making him feel safe enough for real?
"It's nothing important, besides my brother is picking me up, so I won't be alone, what's your problem exactly?" Nirei can't believe what he's hearing and he thinks that Suo himself doesn't sound so sure of himself now.
"My problem is that you always tell me that I can talk to you and share my troubles but you never reciprocate! And it must be easy for you because even when I don't tell you, you always seem to know what I'm thinking and what's going on with me, but we both know that even if I'm good at picking up your signs, I struggle to understand you! I want you to confide in me! I want you to tell me this kind of stuff, to tell me what's going on, what is even wrong for you to go to an hospital—"
"So that you can write it down your notebook and tell it to other people later?" Nirei blinks. What?
"What?"
"We both know you still have that journal of yours where you note that kind of stuff and then you boast about knowing things other don't when you get the chance. It's like you need to prove you know more than the rest. I might not be the easiest person around, but what does that say about you, huh?" Nirei's eyes prickles with tears. What is that supposed to mean? Yes, he does still have that notebook from their first year in Furin, and he still occasionally writes in it, but it doesn't mean that he'd ever use these information against Suo.
Especially Suo.
"W-why would you ever think I'd use what I know about you like that?" He absolutely loathes how small he sounds, as if Suo could be right.
But the latter doesn't reply, merely picks up his keys and coat.
"H-hey! Don't you dare leave like that! You owe me answers!"
"I don't owe you anything!" Suo's voice cracks, anxiousness hidden in the slight itch of his breath but oh so obvious to Nirei. The latter steps back, heart beating furiously against his chest as he realizes how panicked Suo looks.
Nirei doesn't understand why.
"I don't owe you any explanation, any information just because you're my boyfriend, Akihiko. I thought—" he breathes in, "I thought you meant it when you said you'd wait for me and try to understand." His voice is stable again and Nirei feels like a dagger has been thrown at him.
This isn't fair.
"I have been patient and trying to—"
"Right now, this is me asking you to understand!" Nirei wants to say something, to counter him and to make him spill his secrets; he wants nothing else but to do that.
And yet the words are tightly stuck in his throat while tears finally roll down his cheeks.
This truly isn't fair.
He nods, whispers a simple "all right" and returns to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Suo can do whatever the fuck he wants, after all, it doesn't matter anyway. Maybe he has a serious problem that requires him going to the hospital but it's not like it's a problem for Suo, apparently. It's not like he's going to tell him anything.
He's not going to know more than what he already had to dig for.
Nirei's tears soak his pillow, unable to hold them any longer because a thought is plaguing his mind.
Can he really stay with someone who can't be honest with him and keeps on hiding big parts of his life when all Nirei wants is to know more about him to feel closer to him?
He isn't sure anymore.