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"I don't know why I can't see him again. My Touya."
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Todoroki. Your son passed away, remember?"
"I know that. I'm not that far gone, I think. Not like the elderly. It runs in my family, but I'm still… I just don't know why I can't talk to him, why I can't see him."
"Do you believe in spirits, Mrs. Todoroki?"
"No more than most people. It's not that, either."
"What is it, then?"
"It's a very specific feeling. I… I just can't get my mind around why I can't see him. Why he's not here. I know why… but I don't understand why. Why the universe sees it fit to take and keep him. I'm— I miss my other children, too, but… Touya's being kept away from me for reasons I don't understand. Is it him? Does he not want me? I could understand that, but he's not here for me to ask him."
"It was a terrible accident, Mrs. Todoroki. No one can be blamed for that, least of all yourself."
"Do you know how it feels to be hated? Do you know anyone who truly hates you?"
"…No, I don't think so. If there's someone who does, I don't know about it. I think most conflict comes from misunderstandings and frustration."
"My husband hates me. There's this look about him, when he hates me. Once you notice it, you never stop noticing it, because he has to look at me to hate me, and he has to hate me to hurt me. I think it's contagious. I think Touya hates me too. And I don't know why, or how to fix it, because he won't talk to me. I want to tell him that I'm sorry."
"I see."
"Children can't hate the same way adults do. They're so small, their hearts are still too fragile for it. They still think there's a chance everything can work out. That things can be fixed and go back to normal. So they can't hate permanently. They don't understand that sometimes there's no fixing things. It's horrible."
"Why do you think it's horrible?"
"Because then, some day, that hope gets crumpled up and torn to pieces. They get wounded in a way that lasts forever. But it's just as cruel to let them keep chasing something that they'll never have, because that, too, will inflict the forever-wound. I've tried very hard to keep them safe from that, I think, but I failed. I'm the one who hurt them. And there's no fixing it. It's forever. I wish I could tell them I'm sorry."
"Loss is a part of life, Mrs. Todoroki. They'll learn to carry grief and live on. They can still be happy and healthy."
"Yes, but for that to happen, I can't be there. And if I can't be there, I can't tell them I'm sorry. I can't say anything at all. I didn't speak enough to Touya, and now I can't say anything. But it's the only good option. I'm not able to be a mother. It's not safe— Oh, poor Shouto! I've taught him how to hate forever at such a young age. And do you know the worst part?"
"What?"
"The worst part is that the worst of it happened because I tried to fix what I had done. I didn't— I didn't know — He's only six! He's only six and I taught him how to hate and I taught him that sometimes there's no fixing it. I taught him that there's no hope and now he has to wear it on his face for the rest of his life. He's only a little boy, and he suffers so much already. I taught him that the people who love him can't help him. That they'll hurt him."
"When you get better, you'll be able to explain things to him in a way he'll understand. I'm sure he doesn't hate you. You can apologize then."
"He probably thinks I left him. I left, and then Touya leaves, too. Does he know why he can't see us? Does he know where we are?"
"Mrs. Todoroki…"
"I'm as good as dead in here, doctor. I know this is my forever. I wish— At least if I were dead, I would be able to see my Touya again. My husband wouldn't be burdened being tied down by some lunatic— he could find someone he loves, now that he has the child he wanted. I could watch over my children properly again. Isn't that terrible? My children's only hope for a good mother is a dead one."
"Mrs. Todoroki, recovery is more than feasible for you. You just have to take it one day at a time."
"Can you bring Touya back? Can you un-burn Shouto's face? Some things can't be unbroken. I've known for a while this was coming. I was trying to get out before something horrible happened. But I failed. Do you know how it feels to be losing your mind while being perfectly aware of it? I didn't know where I was or what day it was, but I knew that I was losing my mind. I knew there was a reason my husband hated me. A reason Touya hated me. The others should have hated me too. They just didn't know any better. They're only little."
"It's true that the past can't be undone. But that doesn't mean there's no hope for a be—"
"There isn't any hope! Not for me. I've known that for as long as I've been alive. My only hope was that I'd be strong enough to live with a smile my children could rely on. And I knew when my face was too swollen to smile that it was the beginning of the end for me. And even trying to prepare, I still failed. All I had to do was be a wife and a mother. There's nothing else. I can't be or do anything else. I'm going to die in here."
"Mrs. Todoroki, if you keep saying things like that, we're going to have to put you back on suicide watch."
"Go ahead! Watch me lay there and be nothing. I don't care. I know that there's no privacy here. I have no dignity to lose. I'm not a respectable woman. I only feel good these days when I'm not anything at all."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Whenever I think about being a living, moving thing, it disgusts me. It has for a long time now. I remember when I was pregnant with my third, Natsuo— I just started to realize how disgusting it is. How feeble my body is. How embarrassing it is to move in, like some ill-fitting mascot costume. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I just wish I could claw it all off. I close my eyes and enjoy the dark."
"I see."
"I like taking naps. Even before coming here. That is one nice part about having a baby— they sleep a lot. I had to keep an eye on the kids much more diligently as they got older… but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't dozed off in the bath or on the couch a time or two. Sometimes I'd get out of bed in the night and lay in the tub and doze off. There was something comforting about the idea of drowning. And about how small it was. Nobody else could fit in with me. My husband caught on after a while, though. Well, not entirely. The thing about a man that hates you is that a man that hates you assumes that you are very, very dumb. So I think he assumed I just didn't understand that I was in danger. And I was okay with that. When my husband hates me, I'd rather he talk to me like an animal or a child than his wife. Because when he hates his wife, that's when he's at his worst."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It didn't happen too many times, don't worry. I wasn't really in that much danger of drowning. I hate being awake late at night. I hate being woken up in the night."
"Right."
"I did it for the children, of course. Babies have needs. I could never be mad at them for that. Not ever."
"Of course."
"I love them so much. I love them so much, and I'm so sorry. I would get up a thousand times if it could fix this. I'd never sleep again if it meant I could be there for them. You know that, don't you? I'm not trying to leave them. I wish I was stronger, I really do. I wish I didn't hate him so much. I wish I didn't know how to hate forever. Then I'd never worry about teaching it to them."
"No one could ever doubt your love for your children, Mrs. Todoroki. And we're always going to have their best interests— and your own— in mind during your treatment."
"I appreciate that. I'm glad you're looking out for them. They need— someone has to think about them. I can't be trusted, and their father doesn't care. They need better people to help them. They're still so small. Fuyumi and Touya like to think they're grown up, but that's proof that they're still children. They need help. I think— I think my mother is going to try, but she's so old…and I have no idea if my husband would let her. I think they got on well, so it would be okay, right? He hired help, too. I feel bad. I don't think I was a great employer for her. I tried to treat her well, but sometimes I just didn't know what was happening or what she was saying to me. Everything was so confusing. It's not her fault."
"I'm sure they understand, and I'm sure plenty of people will step in to help."
"Do you think they can help my husband? Do you think they… Do you think there's anything that can make him realize…"
"Realize…?"
"I hope he gets better. I want him to get better. I want them to be happy. Even if it's without me. I just want them to be happy. I don't understand why they can't be happy. Why they can't be safe. They're so little. They haven't done anything. Touya didn't do anything. They're just little."
"I know. It's difficult."
"He was just a little boy. Even when he hated me, he was just a little boy. And he must have been so scared after I went away. And I can't talk to him. I can't see him. My little boy is sad and scared and angry and I can't do anything to help him."
"I know. You love him very much. That kind of loss is difficult to deal with."
"What good is it for me to tell you I love him if I can't say it to him myself? What good is it for me to say that I love Shouto, Natsuo, Fuyumi… I keep asking myself why I can't talk to them, why I can't see them… It's because all of this happened, so then I ask myself why it happened… and I don't know. I don't know why my husband hates me so much. I don't know why I couldn't be stronger, for their sake. Does that mean I don't love them strongly enough? That I don't love them enough to withstand troubled times for them? I'm a horrible mother and wife and I don't know why I ended up this way. I don't know anything. And I tried so, so hard…I wanted to do better. I tried to do better."
"There are things outside of your control. You did your best for the situation you were in, and that's all that can be asked of you."
"What does it matter if I tried my best? Touya's still dead. Shouto's still burnt. Their father still hates me. Nothing changes. My heart and my mind are broken, and some things stay broken forever. I just don't know why the children had to suffer because of it. If this is how they learned about forever, they probably see the future so bleakly… I've crushed their hopes entirely. And I may never be able to tell any of them how sorry I am for that. It's a fate worse than death, but it's what I deserve."