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“Hey Roy?”
“Mm?”
“Whatcha thinking?”
Roy stared out the window, his dark eyes sad and distant. Hughes was sure he knew what Roy was thinking about, but he wanted to hear Roy say it himself.
“Nothing.” Roy finally muttered.
Hughes frowned.
“C’mon Roy. I know that’s not true. You have that look in your eyes.”
Roy, stubborn as always, still elected to remain silent.
“You’re thinking about the war, aren’t you?” Hughes didn’t want to press him, but he needed to open up about his feelings.
Roy shot him a glare, but it was only half-hearted.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He was sure he would receive a no, but shockingly, Roy responded honestly.
“How do you live with it, Hughes?” Roy’s voice was heavy and shook with tears Hughes knew he would refuse to cry. “How do you live knowing we killed all those people?”
Hughes reached across the table to rest a hand on top of Roy’s. “Roy, I’ve told you before. It was a war. I was just surviving. So were you.”
Roy abruptly shoved his chair away from the table and stood upright.
“And what if I didn’t deserve to?!” He demanded. “What if I didn’t deserve to survive, after everything I did?! It’s not fair that somehow I got to live and we didn’t even give them a chance!”
Hughes watched him with sad eyes as he turned his back to stare out the window some more.
“You did as you were told. Yes, you killed people, but you’re not a monster. You’re a good person, Roy.”
“I should have died.” There was a quiet resolve to Roy’s voice that shook Hughes. He knew Roy meant the words with all his heart, but anyone could have told that. What other people might have missed was that the words weren’t just a statement.
When Roy said that, it was almost as if he were making a promise to himself. A promise to remedy the fact that he wasn’t dead. And Hughes was the only one there to hear it.
And maybe that was why…
~
Maybe that was why Hughes called Roy endlessly while he was at work.
Maybe that was why he gushed about his wife for hours to Roy.
Maybe that was why he wouldn’t stop telling Roy he should get himself a girl.
Maybe that was why he did his best to be the sun in Roy’s life.
Maybe that was why he became the most cheerful man ever, overflowing with joy over his wife and his daughter, brimming with stories about how they made his life worth living, desperate to spill over all that happiness into Roy’s life and let him feel it too.
Because as long as he stayed on the phone with Roy, that was at least a little bit he could keep Roy from being alone with his thoughts.
Because if he just kept gushing about his wife, that would make Roy roll his eyes and maybe he would almost smile and he might even laugh.
Because if Roy got himself a girl, he would have someone he needed to stay alive for.
Because as long as he was the sun in Roy’s life, the cold winter in Roy’s head wouldn’t swallow him whole.
Because he needed to show Roy how much he meant to him. He needed Roy to know that he was the way he was for him.
Maybe that was why. Maybe it was all for Roy.
Because he needed to keep Roy far, far away from fulfilling that promise. That awful promise.
Because thinking about a world with no Roy made Hughes hurt in a way he couldn’t fathom.
He would chase away the dark. He would light up Roy’s life.
Because what if one day he called Roy and there was no answer?
~
Hughes held the phone to his ear and waited. When he finally heard Roy’s voice on the other end, he let out the breath he had been holding.
“Sorry, I was doing paperwork. Please tell me this is important, I’m busy.”
“Of course it’s important!” Hughes exclaimed indignantly. “I need to tell you about my family!” In reality, it was far more important than that. Far more important than Roy could ever imagine.
“Hughessssss.” Roy sighed.
“Aww, c’mon Roy. Just a few minutes of your time?”
“Fine. You have five minutes. Five minutes to tell me the exact same things you’ve told me a thousand times before.”
I have to tell you I love you. Hughes thought with a soft smile. I’m telling you I love you.
“Okay, five minutes.” He agreed.
That was five more minutes he was hearing Roy’s voice.
Five more minutes he knew Roy was still with him.
Maybe that was why.