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"The Lord, grant us a quiet night and a—" Jaehyun's prayer was cut off early by the sound of a heavy thud that only a body could make coming across the hallway. He jolted up from his bruised knees on the thin carpet of his wooden floors, almost coiling into his own door as he pushed down the metal handle, throwing it open.
What stood across from him was the room of the other brothers' room, it was gaped just an inch open, even so, you could see the navy moonlight shining into the room from the slit.
"Jiho?" he called out, cautiously stepping closer. A gush of air howled, audible enough for Jaehyun to tell the window was open, deepening his suspicions. He approached the door, one slight step away from fully pushing it open. Jaehyun raised his hand, fitting his palm onto the cold scratchy wood of the door.
His lips fell, ready to call out once more before having to forcefully intrude, yet instead he froze. His ears picked up the undistinguishable noise of flesh and blood mixed together being slurped up, the noises that would only source from a starved animal.
"Lord I ask for your strength," he chants under his breath, shutting his eyes tight as he pushed his body to barge the door open. A stretched groaning creek hissed out, the door slamming into the wall beside it. He stumbled over his own steps, tugging his body straight, peeling his eyes open.
What he saw was no animal — instead of thick fur, it had a layer of pure pearly skin. Instead of paws that would be held to hold the victim down, Jiho's wrists were being restrained by slender fingers, nails that cut into his skin.
Jiho's body laid there in between the two bunk beds the other three brothers would share amongst themselves, arms splayed out beside him. It sat on his lap, head dipping into the side of his neck, gnawing away at whatever he could get. It ate messy, multiple bites had been stretched across from side to side, each part not enough for whatever hunger it had.
Every muscle in Jaehyun's body stayed fixed, his pupils trembling as he stared at the pool of blood spilling out from his neck and onto the floor, seeping into the distance the wooden panels had with each other. The disgusting smell of iron filled Jaehyun's senses, forming an acidic liquid that welled at the base of his throat.
It noticed Jaehyun's presence soon after, hitching one last slurp down its throat. It tumbled as it kicked the body away, using the opportunity where Jaehyun had darted his eyes towards Jiho to leave the way he came.
When the other 3 brothers came back, they had found the body that night. Jaehyun already long gone back into his room. His palms were painted with crimson that he gathered from attempting to stop the bleeding earlier, now it's nothing but a dried reminder of how much of a coward he is. His wrists shuddered uncontrollably, shaky hyperventilating leaving his shoulders every microsecond that passed.
He heard the screams and sobs in mourning from across the hall, heart tearing his soul apart. All he could do was chant prayers as he forced himself to coddle in the blanket of his freezing bed. The heat suffocated Jaehyun under the blanket, sweat forming beads across his hairline entirely, weirdly, it still felt cold.
It still felt like the storm before the rainbow—if the rainbow would ever come—, eyes spacing off into his own thoughts that were so empty but full. The ghastly sobs spilled into Jaehyun's ears, rupturing his eardrums despite the sound being muffled by the wooden separation.
He glued his eyelids shut, what should be a static black had the repeating image substituting it. Jaehyun freed open his eyelids, the sound of the sobs echoing while wet tearing noises he could never forget overwhelmed all of him.
After what felt like being in a dilemma for hours on end, his consciousness got tired of what was beyond its limit, all else faded away into a cracked muffle, drifting off into a sleep it knew wouldn't change anything.
Jaehyun awoke at the crack of dawn, birds chirping a song. The church and rectory was situated on a hill, the outskirts of the main part of town, cops arriving in the early morning. They had questioned whoever lived at the rectory, or would be nearby at the time.
If he stuck to the truth, not one thing would've sounded plausible in the first place, yet, if he strayed away, he's bound to get punished by the Lord; if not, he would punish himself. So reluctantly, he stayed quiet.
The results was an animal attack, even when one brother fought his lungs out for an investigation.
"May he now share with the Lord in eternal glory," Jaehyun pulls back his shaky voice, keeping his composure for the funeral he was officiating. The water that was supposedly holy had spilled the last droplet onto the casket, Jaehyun pulling his hand back from over the casket. A white cloth was laid over it soon after, hanging from the sides.
The rest of the funeral was nothing but a blur for Jaehyun, passing voices that could be mistaken for sobs, whispers of ungrateful kids being scolded by even more ungrateful parents. He felt a palm on his shoulder, the pads cushioning whosever touch.
"Hey," his voice droned from behind. Jaehyun cleared his throat quietly, blinking away from his haze, turning around.
"Yeah?" Jaehyun answered conversationally, the blonde man already having a hesitated look screeching all over his face.
"Are you sure you want to stay in the rectory tonight?" he mumbled, scared for a possible sudden breakdown. "You can go home tonight," he added.
Jaehyun splashed a smile on his face as if it was cold water. "All I need to do is pray, Sungho," he assured. Jaehyun drifted his feet off, parting from the funeral, thinking his guilt would part along with it. Sungho's eyes tracked him, watching nothing but tense shoulders and trembling hands make its way back to the rectory.
His direction was clear, to his room and only his room. But when he stood in between the two rooms, his eyes were lured into the only one that didn't belong to him. The surroundings had been cleaned up, as if last night wasn't a bloody horrifying mess. The blankets of the beds were tucked in, curtains tied neatly to the side, sun rays bouncing off the floor that was once stained — it will always be stained.
No matter how hard Jaehyun tried, he couldn't find a single clue on what had ate his brother that night. If it was human, he's sure its damnation was beyond hell. He should've pushed it off, get a good look at its face, kept it there if possible. He should've done something more. If the killer is damned, Jaehyun's sure he'll join alongside it for being the recreant he was.
He asked for the Lords strength, to be lent what he lacked, only to reject it when he needed it. He's sure his prayers had been answered, the Lord wouldn't turn a devoted pleading priest down, especially not when He knew what came next. He's the one at fault for not snatching when the Lord had given, he's the one at fault for letting his humanity take over, he's the one at fault. Not the Lord.
Psalms 46:1 NIV
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. God is our refuge and …strength, an ever-present help in trouble. In trouble. In trouble. God is our.. our— an ever-present help in trouble. Strength. Strength? Ever-present. Trouble. In trouble. In trouble. Strength? Help.
He doesn't feel the pain in his knees anymore, he's grown accustomed to it. To the hardened tiles of the church, the thin roll of carpet that stretched all the way to the entrance impacting very little. It felt worth it undoubtedly: to thin away the calcium he absorbs from his mouth, bloodstream circulating it into his knees, to incorporate the bruises he would wake up with days later into the natural image he had of his body, to endure the pain that would sting the surroundings even at the brush.
The church smelled of fresh subtle candle wax, a cross holding a body pinned to it hovering closely above Jaehyun. He isn't even sure how long he has been in here for, kneeling in front of who he's sure is disappointed in him. Time doesn't exist when he places himself in the hands of the Lord, only a sea swallowing him while the creatures of his repressed self fight for him.
His ribs suffocated itself, feeling as if a weight laid upon him. His heart no longer felt his, his mind the same — thoughts unable to get proper stance, unable to stay rooted to his beliefs. His entire soul had left him, hovering upwards, either refusing or unable to occupy back the body. Now it remains following from afar, envying what it could experience firsthand. If it was even something worth envying.
Church had always been his comfort, with every disappointment, failure of control that his anger had burst, tendencies that he would fall back into when his eyes caught on a glimpse of a raven in the crowd of swans during mass. It had been his escape for everything. Now it's starting to feel like something he needs to escape from.
"Jaehyun?" Sungho called out from behind, walking along the carpet towards him. Jaehyun's eyelids flicker open, stilling into a space before glancing over his shoulder, eyes landing on Sungho. "The confessional booth is about to open," he ended abruptly, waiting for their distance to close before he continued. Jaehyun pushed his body up, dusting off his knees.
"Mhm?" Jaehyun pushed, Sungho getting closer. Jaehyun shifted his body around as he heard footsteps grow closer, the two standing face to face, yet Sungho's eyes trickled elsewhere. "Sungho?" pushing once more.
"Are— can you—"
"It's my duty," Jaehyun clears.
"I know, but are you okay?" Sungho's tone was pleading for the truth.
"I am," and yet he is shamelessly rewarded only with a lie. "I'll go ahead," Jaehyun flashes a smile at Sungho before brushing past his shoulders, going the direction he came. He pushed the curtain that hovered over the priests section, shoes clacking onto the wooden platform.
Confessions came and went, some feared for their lives, one or two were forced and showed it, the rest poured out their hearts. Each confession was rewarded with an 'I absolve you of your sins in the name of Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy spirit.'
The sunset dipped into the horizon, transitioning into an early blue while a leftover orange bathed in. A person hadn't stepped in for a long while, both the church's and Jaehyun's hours coming to an end.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," a voice sparked in from the penitent's section. Jaehyun hadn't heard the soles of his shoes, or any indication of his forthcoming. "Or is it forgive me?" he bubbles, an attempt to ease his awkwardness somewhat.
Jaehyun clears his throat, adjusting his posture straight. "Both is fine," he soothes, "What sin have you committed?"
"Wrath?" he sounded uncertain, "Murder, I guess."
Jaehyun wasn't surprised, he had heard sin from sin, murder was not a first time.
"I forgot how many times I have committed it," his voice blurs into a soft chuckle.
As a priest, forgiving every sin is a staple; however, forgiving every sinner is a different story.
"What else?" he trails off, Jaehyun could tell this was nothing but amusement for him. Before Jaehyun could cut in and say anything further, the penitent spoke once more. "Ah, I might commit it once more," a hint of arrogance flashing in his tone.
Questions rose, his heart tracing out from his usual BPM. Jaehyun takes a moment to himself, bringing his head back down to earth. "Why?" voice calmer than he wants to be.
"I'm hungry, Father," he scoffs a laugh. Jaehyun doesn't begin to try and understand the meaning, only questioning the laugh.
"Do you not feel sorrow for the sin you committed?"
"Do you?"
The sounds that followed was an eerie static, syllables quietly rasping out of Jaehyun's mouth, devoid of any proper structure. The weight that had befallen upon his shoulders had now dug deeper, crushing his bones.
"What?" he says trembling. The uncomfortable silence planting its home. Jaehyun's fingers flit up to the closed window that separated the two sections, a slide away from seeing who the penitent was.
The clack of a shoe cut through the silence, another clack, then another. It repeated itself until the sound stood in front of Jaehyun's section, fixing itself there.
A heavy presence seeped into Jaehyun's section despite the curtain flowing in between them. Jaehyun stared at the folds of the curtain, his patience taking a toll on him.
He bit the inside of his lower lip, distracting his mouth in order not to yell, only weight growing deeper. His heart restricted itself from full pounds, short and fast paced ones occurring beyond his will.
'Lord… give…' his thoughts faltered over, only flashbacks of last night replacing them, invading and taking over.
Jaehyun pushed his body towards the curtain, grasping the sides that left the wall slightly, peeling it to the side.
The image of the pieces he did manage to collect from last night of the creature only flickered for a brief moment before showing what was true — bookshelves placed a distance across from the booth.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will …strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I will strengthen you, I will help you. Who? Who will— I will help you. Strengthen. Help. Help. Strengthen.
Jaehyun's eyes piece apart the clean smooth surface of the ceiling, the fan blades peering its way through. He tossed his head to the side, watching the ticking of his clock, hands flicking closer towards 3. His eyes strolled down to the desk that stood pushed to the wall below it, scattered blank pages left to dry rot, unfinished books he just 'never had enough time' for.
The mattress under him felt stiff, it no longer comforted his weight as it should, no longer harboured the warmth that expelled away his coldness he sat in from morning till now. His blanket felt scratchy, every tussle he threw himself with now felt like a chemical peel, trapping his body even with the knowledge of the will to throw it off.
He slipped his legs off the bed, tugging his body slanted. His pillow had stuck static onto his strands, the charge now taking place, a soft tingle blotching all over his nape. Jaehyun let out a groan that represented his exhaustion he restricted from expressing the entire day, the ball of saliva that gathered its blob shape slipping down his throat.
Jaehyun let his fingers lie on the handle of his door, pushing it down, a creak that would only hiss in the dead of the night. Once more he was put in the exact position he had been in just last night, staring into the door of the room across from him. It felt different this time, more fearful, less cautious and instead expectant — waiting for yet another fragment of his life to fall apart.
He left the door of his room open as he left the rectory, grabbing a lit lantern on his way out, walking along the gravel built from pebbles and bits of dry dirt mixing with mud. He followed the path that led his directionless self to the church, a metal lantern in his grasp.
It escorted the way forward, encircling him with a warm flushed orange despite the shadows surrounding him, almost as if one strong gush of wind putting out the fire the candle inside held would throw him aside.
Jaehyun felt small as the church's entrance overshadowed him, his eyes loosened down from the top, coming to a stop at the doors that were parted slightly open.
"I'll ask them tomorrow morning," he brushes off, choosing to believe it's the fault of one of the brothers. He makes his way inside, gaping the already parted doors more. A cold still air welcomed in Jaehyun, streaming away the heavy air.
The shut of the door echoed, bouncing off the walls, deafening him for a brief moment. He dragged his feet towards the altar like a zombie following a duty.
As he got closer, he could see there was a candle tucked away at the very top layer of the bookshelf at the end, a subtle spurting flame shying away from the wind, illuminating a soft glow.
He slipped the lantern onto the clothed marble surface of the altar, fingers lingering until it slumped off the edges as he stretched his body upwards on the peak of his toes. The extinguished candles took its place on the layers of the bookshelves that were pushed to the walls behind, a large painting vibrant with faith separating the connection in the middle.
The luminosity of the flame behind him radiated a glow that gave Jaehyun somewhat clear enough vision to see his surroundings safely.
His arm raised above his head, hand hovering as his fingers rambled, searching for the lit candle. A huff of wind that was stronger than it should've been hit Jaehyun from behind, the edged hair strands flowing past his cheek. He let his sole meet the floor once more, shuffling a step back, noticing the candle still lit.
Jaehyun sighed to himself, accepting the defeat that seemed so insistent on winning. He tracked his feet further backwards, centring himself in front of the altar, his lantern on the side. He stared up at the painting that was lit up from the glow, what used to be an admirable piece now planted doubts inside the back of Jaehyun's mind.
He bit the corner of his lip from the inside, stare drooping down to the floor. His eyes fell, staying in its place for a second longer than usually before raising back up, bringing himself down once more on his knees.
He brought his index finger up to his forehead, a pause before strolling it down to his chest, swifting to his left shoulder then to right.
His fingers interlocked together, palms colliding with each other close to his chest — no matter he tried to deny it, even in the hands of the Lord, even in times that had been his comfort, a foundation, his fingers shook in each other's grasp. He tightened his grip, knuckles painting into a white river surrounded by red stains.
He brought the two hands that formed into one closer to his lips, dipping his head down, the dead skin he peeled away setting itself into the creases his fingers couldn't fill in. His lips quivered as it cut open, a shuddering heavy breath being let out, his breath boiling to the touch.
It was the first real breath he had even uttered for this entire day, and even now it hadn't felt real, it felt far from real. The relief he felt, the tension that was released even for a second, being real didn't feel real anymore.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Lord, I thank you for what you have bestowed upon me, and for that I have to ask you for your forgiveness. The strength you had given me last night was pushed away by me, I sought out for your help only to do nothing with it. I have only ever listened to you, and I will forevermore be grateful for the love you put in me, even if I turned parts of it into a lustful crisis of what you're clearly against. But nevertheless, I have never strayed away from your teachings — to lie with another man is a clear abomination. An abomination I have committed once and never again. I thank you for enlightening me in how distasteful homosexuality truly is. I've strayed away from what I came here for… forgive me, Father. I thank you for last night, I thank you for giving me strength, I thank you for believing in me, I thank you for being ever so generous. Now, I can only express how culpable I feel. This dishonesty rots me inside, Father. How can I tell them that it was my fault? That it was my doing that Jiho had got brutally murdered by whatever creature. I do not deserve to mourn him, I do not deserve to feel remorseful. Please guide me through this. I need your enlightenment once more, I need the same pathway you showed me that day I committed that abomination with him. Take your time, Father, I will wait. Thank you for giving me your time, I place my entire life in your hands.
Amen
Jaehyun lingered his head and gaze into the church as he shut the door from behind him, stepping onto the gravel once more, taking a moment to accept the closed doors of the church.
He brought his head back, eyes falling down into the moonlight outlining the spikes around the grass that rose above others, a glimpse of the road that transitioned into patches of cracked gravel and grass as it turned into the church.
His eyes slipped back up, resting naturally, the moon hovering over the guardrails that felt a little bit safer, even if its purpose is for cars. Jaehyun was about to leave his admiration, ready to head back to the rectory, until his peripheral vision caught a glimpse of a silhouette sitting on the railing. None of the brothers go out at night, Jaehyun knew that well.
So who could this be?
"Hello?" he called out, staggering his feet towards the silhouette. He saw the side profile of the person as they peered their head over their shoulder, silver earrings catching a glint in the moonlight, swaying in the wind. His nose bridge lowered down, narrowing eyes that felt bleak, jawline clean-cut — like it was shaped personally.
His head faltered back, giving no response, letting the wind overtake his place. Jaehyun came up from behind, adjusting to accompany beside, metal lantern in his hand racking from the strong surge of air. The candle inside blew out, the only light source being the shadowed navy colour from the moon, a fluorescence atmosphere settling in between the two.
"Are you okay?" Jaehyun's voice was wary, keeping a distance. Once more there was no response from who sat in front of him, only a melancholy subtle sigh that was caught in the wind as it left.
Did he want to jump? Jaehyun thought, the only thought that could form as of now, and not why he was there.
He was like a raven, appearing from the blue to bathe in the moonlight, reserved yet was still present.
"It's cold. I'll lend you a place for the night if you have nowhere to go," gentle, worried, stupid. The raven responded to the part where Jaehyun had offered a place, turning his head once more.
Their faces met fully this time, his black hair hovered over his eyes, acting as a curtain that was sheer. His hair was edged in a way that was purposeful, fluttering.
His eyes that hid behind strands, ones that appealed itself to be bleak at first glance were now looking up at Jaehyun with promises flashing in the tiny spark of light.
"Do you have nowhere to go?" Jaehyun shuddered out, pity and concern mixing into a fearful ragged shape in his stomach.
"Yeah," he spoke, voice cold yet tender, being just as wary as Jaehyun was.
"Okay," Jaehyun slowly nodded. "Come with me," he says before slowly backtracking, keeping his eyes on the raven. The raven sunk his eyes down to Jaehyun's feet, fixating on the fragments of rocks that would roll over along with his shoes.
It didn't take long before he swiftly turned his body around, straightening his body up. He skipped over to beside Jaehyun, tugging an aloof smile that didn't take its place for long. They walked back to the rectory in silence, frogs nearby that would occasionally bellow filling in, static noise following after.
Jaehyun pressed down on the handle, a voice cutting his movement short.
"I'm Taesan."
Jaehyun didn't react physically, resuming his movement as he responded with a brief "Jaehyun." The door clicked open, welcoming the two into a dark house. Jaehyun waited for Taesan to walk in first, following behind him shortly after. Taesan wanted to stray off with his eyes, instead he kept to Jaehyun, trailing beside, keeping close as they walked to his room.
"Is it okay for me to be here?" he mutters, stepping into Jaehyun's room after him, closing the door soon after.
"It is," Jaehyun reassured, keeping his voice distant from what he was. He drifted around, his back turned on Taesan.
"You're a priest, right?" Taesan figures from the amount of crosses and books scattered around the room. Jaehyun fumbled in his closet, searching around for a blanket.
He took out a folded black fluffed blanket, facing Taesan. "Take this," he shoves slightly towards him, piecing together whatever he could on Taesan's face.
"You didn't answer me."
"I am," Jaehyun huffs out, "Why?" Taesan brings the blanket in his hands, letting his head fall down.
"Can we pray before I sleep?" Taesan murmurs, a slight irk as he ended his sentence — one that Jaehyun noticed.
What was that? Jaehyun echoed in his hollow brain. "Okay," he pulled a smile upwards, devoid of warmth.
Jaehyun headed over to his bed, settling his knees down on the floor, a small tug in the carpet. Taesan knelt down beside him, putting down the blanket to the right of him. Jaehyun twitched a side glance towards Taesan, catching his stare, flitting it back to the wall in front.
Jaehyun cleared his throat, drawing out a cross with his right hand before bringing his elbows to rest on the mattress, lacing his fingers together. Taesan followed his movements, limbs stiff as if he didn't know what to do. Jaehyun's eyelids fell together, hitching a light breath.
"Our father who art in heaven, we thank you for this day, evening, and now night. We thank you for the opportunity to let us live another—" Jaehyun trailed off as he felt a solid from the right colliding with his calf and shoulder.
"A-another… day," he stumbles, gulping down his saliva. "We pray for tomorrow to be just as graceful as what you have let us experienced today—"
"Graceful?" Taesan mumbles under his breath barely audible.
"…We ask for protection in our sleep, so that we can wake up blessed just as every other morning, so that we can feel the sun you have made for us on our skin."
Sun.
"We ask for protection for our loved ones, for you to watch over them just as you have watched over us. We ask for your compassion to comfort us in our sleep, to let it fall easy—" mind going blank as he felt a cage around his fingers, one that was cold to the touch, almost repulsing if it wasn't for being in prayer.
"Go on," Taesan ordered in a hushed voice.
"To keep our love for you even in our dreams, to keep worshipping you. Grant us sweet sleep," Jaehyun obeyed, wetting his lower lip with his tongue before rolling out the end. "Amen."
"Amen," Taesan echoed a beat after Jaehyun. Taesan sprouted up first, shifting himself to sit down on the bed they had just rested their elbows on, glaring down at Jaehyun who flickered his eyes open.
"Do you always lie in your prayers?" Taesan asked calmly, tilting his head sideways.
"What?"
"Graceful. Was today graceful?" Taesan's voice grew familiar, as if Jaehyun had heard that hint of arrogance before.
Jaehyun darted his eyes upward to Taesan, looking at the pair of eyes burning their gaze into him. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Taesan fit his hand up to Jaehyun's jaw, his thumb cushioning into his cheek, index finger on the edge of the line as the rest of his fingers served as a surface below Jaehyun.
Jaehyun's first thought was to repulse at it, to throw himself away; instead his shoulders fell, breaths blurring more softly.
"Why are you melting into my touch, Jaehyun?" Taesan asked earnestly, but under his breath lied a different intention.
"Even from touching you I can feel how fragile you've been. Has it always been like this, Jaehyun?"
Silence rots in between them, making a comfortable home for just a second.
"What are you?" Jaehyun utters, face falling naturally, exhausted to try and keep up with his muscles.
"You met me yesterday night," Taesan pouted, a mock. "It was quite rude to interrupt someone eating," Taesan chuckled, the split of his lips revealing the fangs he had along with his other set of teeth. Taesan expected for Jaehyun to cry, plead, fawn, anything of the slightest he could use to taunt.
"Take me next," Jaehyun deadpanned, slumping his face down into Taesan's palm, the warmth from his face and the coldness from his palm clashing. He hadn't felt such an intimate touch in so long, at least not from who he wanted. Taesan's touch was a long lost pushed down silent prayer he didn't dare to include in his daily ones, his touch felt like the rainbow after the storm, the harsh palm lines that felt gentle when it came in contact with his mellow cheek.
He hated it. He knew who Taesan was, he knew what Taesan had done, what sins he committed to who. Regretfully and strangely, he doesn't feel any different from Taesan. It was like their sins weighed the same — the sin of wrath versus the sin of sloth. Opposites that gravitate towards each other.
Taesan felt his heart tug down a new weight, a weight he thought he would never have to experience. His glare turned into a stare, Jaehyun coming undone at just the touch of him. Humans are afraid of death, pain; Taesan was that death, he was that pain, he was everything humans were so avoidant of, and now he stares at who's clinging to him. His jaw clenched, his plans going haywire.
He was certain this is what he wanted. To take every life that resided in this rectory before heading to the next, to prioritise Jaehyun as a petty revenge; why now was he hesitating? All he could hear in his thoughts were being pushed to fulfil his direction, his next step.
But in his eyes, all he could see was someone who had been drained from just one day, or maybe it had been something that planted itself long ago, gradually taking over his life — this 'one day' being the final snap.
"Take all of me, Taesan," Jaehyun had a slight cry, "Please."
"Okay."
Taesan brought his fingers to grip around Jaehyun's chin, controlling him stiffly. He leaned down, tugging his head upwards harshly. Taesan caught himself in the reflection of Jaehyun, noticing how moist his eyes had welled. Jaehyun blinked, his eyelids pushing out the a singular string of tears that slipped down both his eyes.
Please do not forgive me, Father.
The bottom of Taesan's chin trembled, pushing it away. Taesan leaned further in, watching Jaehyun close his eyes as he did, dipping his head to the side.
His direction was clear, towards Jaehyun's neck, yet Taesan winds up with his lips resting softly onto Jaehyun's. His skin was soft, it had a faint taste of blood leftover from the peeling he did with his teeth, his scent overwhelming Taesan.
Jaehyun released himself from everything, tears flushing out completely, some slipping into their kiss, a bitter taste dancing with their tongues. Jaehyun brought himself up onto the bed, crawling onto the lap of Taesan.
To lie with a man as a woman is an abomination.
Taesan's hands shaped itself onto Jaehyun's waist, caressing him as if he was a delicate art piece. He pried his eyes open for only a glance, being met with how beautiful Jaehyun had looked crying, their mouths tied together adding to the beauty. He pulled Jaehyun in closer, their chests breathing against each other.
He was so so beautiful. Tip of the nose a blotched pink, cheeks glistening from the tears that were still pouring out, eyelashes dampened in the process. It twisted Taesan's heart at how devastatingly captivating Jaehyun had been right in front of him, it cracked his heart open completely. Jaehyun's beauty was worth admiring, it made Taesan wish that their meeting hadn't been promised to doom.
He wanted to stay there, to stay in Jaehyun's mouth, to stay with his hands keeping Jaehyun safe from what he is. If he met Jaehyun sooner, if he hadn't ate Jiho that night, or if he just wasn't a gruesome killer, would he be able to love him?
Would he able to feel this every morning, the very morning that he had to sleep through? Would he be able to sit down and eat with him at a restaurant, mesmerised by the glow of nearby candles bouncing off Jaehyun’s face who sat across from him?
Jaehyun's palms held Taesan by the neck, he expected a skin so white to be soft, not this soft. He felt lost in their kiss, his last had been so long ago that he had forgotten how to; yet with him, it just felt natural. Their lips pieced together like something they both missed, something they've been searching for. Their tongues were no different, both surfaces being smooth, pace and flow working together.
Taesan was the person he wanted even after the years he spent convincing himself he didn't. Taesan was the kiss he wanted to be his first, he was the kiss that was stolen by someone he didn't even prefer romantically. Taesan was who he was searching for.
He felt safe, strangely, ironically. In the hands of his brother's killer, he felt the safest he had in all of his life. Teachings clawed its way to the front of Jaehyun's mind, being pushed back by how he had already accepted death.
Was it because he was promised something that he was able to feel free? To feel safe and certain? All his life had been surrounded with uncertainty, questions that were forced away. Was it that he now had the promise of doom it made him feel euphoric?
Taesan's hand slipped up to the back of Jaehyun's head, the other stretching over to the opposite side. He secured Jaehyun in his arms while lifting his legs up onto the bed, shifting their positions to the side, the kiss unbroken as he sunk Jaehyun into the mattress whole, making sure his head rested on the pillow before removing.
Jaehyun's legs wrap around Taesan's hipbones, keeping them trapped together, a heart beating into a chest that held none. Taesan broke the kiss, parting just an inch back. Both their lips were swollen red, cheeks flushing pink.
"I'm sorry," Taesan said for the first time in his years of living, a heavy breath landing onto Jaehyun's lips.
"I know," Jaehyun chuckled out, tears streaming even faster. Jaehyun pushed him up, getting a good look at Taesan. "I never got the best look at your face," he trembled.
"How is it?" Taesan had a crack in his voice.
"You're angelic," Jaehyun smiled. The way his lips looked so wet and slick of saliva Jaehyun was sure was his, messy hair that still kept its place, eyes welling, white stars in his pupils.
He was all kinds of beauty, he was indescribable; to die at the mouth of something this gorgeous, this rare, he felt serene. He didn't want to go his life without meeting a beauty like this. Deep down, it makes him wish that he could continue his life with a beauty like this.
"You're lying," Taesan shuddered, his tears dropping down from his eyes, landing on Jaehyun's face.
"I could never," Jaehyun hushed, bringing his thumb to caress Taesan’s swollen lower eyelids.
Taesan fell his lips into Jaehyun's jawline, kissing all the way until he reached his neck. He kept kissing on the spot that he targeted to bite, his jugular vein trembling under the skin.
"Taesan," Jaehyun bubbled out, tone so positive even when his voice shook. Taesan shifted his head to the side, pausing the kisses. "I absolve you from your sins," Jaehyun breaks.
Taesan faltered his head, hovering over Jaehyun's neck, taking a pause before he parted his lips open, his teeth in the open.
"In the name of the Father—"
Taesan set his lips down onto Jaehyun's neck, the distance from skin to teeth residing in his mouth.
"And of the Son—"
He dug his head lower, teeth on the surface of the skin.
"And of the Holy Spirit."
His fangs sunk into his flesh, blood spurting out quickly and easily into Taesan's tongue.
"Amen," Jaehyun winced, caressing the back of Taesan's head with his palm, staring up at the plain white ceiling. His tears had stopped, vision blurry. Taesan kept sinking his teeth into his neck, the flesh he wish he had kissed more staining all around. He took his time, slow and gentle, clean. He didn't want to clutter Jaehyun even further, he had already done that this entire day.
Jaehyun's lips stretched a smile, the bite felt accepting, expected, he no longer felt burdened, no longer wanted to be forgiven or to forgive. He always thought he would've died chanting gratitude towards his Lord, but now that he's dying, all he could think about was how breathtaking Taesan was. How Taesan was the last thing he saw. The last thing he kissed. The last thing he felt free to love.
Taesan drained Jaehyun of his blood, the sound of kisses reminiscing in the air that now fixed itself in a stiff position. Taesan lifted his body up, staring at a body that held no soul. His teeth clattered, lips quivering on the outside before he finally stopped restraining himself, sobs spilling out.
They barely knew each other, they didn't know each other's dreams, why they were the way they were, how they loved, how they hated.
So why was Taesan mourning such a loss? It felt as if he was mourning the potential, what they could've been, what they should've been. He never had a dream, he forgot what made him like this, he forgot how to love, but he was rooted with hate. But is it so horrible that Jaehyun made him want to remember? Is it so horrible that Jaehyun was his dream?
Taesan didn't wash Jaehyun's blood off, instead he kept it dry below his lower lip and all around his mouth in general, leaving the way he came. The sun was making its way into the sky as soon as he left, there was still time for Taesan to hide, run, take shelter.
Instead he dragged his feet across the road, sitting on the guardrails once more. Letting his body take in what his skin was so deficient of. The pain was slow, sharp. It first started off as a rash; deeper it went, it burnt Taesan's skin apart, slowly, the layers of his skin started to ash away.
The sunlight felt warm, he envied humans for being able to experience this. He closed his eyes, taking in the rays that boiled him, images of Jaehyun making its way back into Taesan's mind.