Work Text:
it was a rainy morning as 17 year old xu minghao woke up to the pitter patters of rain coming outside of his window ‘ah it’s raining again’ he thought and stood up from his bed and prepared his things for school. after he prepared all the things for school he thought that ‘maybe i should shower before wonwoo does.’ and so he did
“wonwoo hyung wake up we have classes today” he shook his roommate awake as the older groaned
“wonwoo hyung if you don’t stand up now, i won’t buy you a new game disc” immediately, wonwoo stood up from his bed and dashed for the shower as minghao chuckled at what just happened.
“here’s your breakfast” minghao passed a toast sandwich to wonwoo and he gladly accepted it
“thanks.”
“no problem”
the two of them sat in comfortable silence as they ate their toast sandwiches and the rain was still pouring harder than before.
“ah shit. let’s go already hao we might never make it in time because of the rain” wonwoo stood up from where he was and was grabbing his bag, coat, and an umbrella
“wait up!” minghao quickly finished his breakfast and grabbed his bag and coat, opening the door for the both of them and wonwoo opening their umbrella
“make sure you lock the apartment door” wonwoo reminded him “yeah yeah i know” he looked back at the door and locked it with their apartment key “alright let’s go” the two of them walked away from their apartment as they bicker while it rains.
– ‘ as the wind blew, the flowers started to bloom. ‘ –
the rain soon stopped as they arrived at school
“well then see you later hao” wonwoo waved goodbye at the younger
‘well i still have time to walk around the hallways guess i’ll do that’ minghao thought after wonwoo left him to go to the library and walked through hallways full of students as it is a bit early to start classes and minghao had to squeeze through them as they were mostly blocking the way. after that, minghao looked through the nearest window and saw him. wen junhui, the boy that he had taken an interest in him or in other words, he liked him. minghao was almost in a daze by just looking at him until he saw someone approaching him.
minghao had to watch them as he thought the worst possible scenario he wouldn’t think that it would happen. he watched them as the person or kwon soonyoung talk to junhui as soonyoung talked to him until the worst scenario minghao could ever think of. soonyoung and junhui had kissed. although, it was a bit secluded by the tree, he could tell by the expressions they had made. minghao felt his breathing slow down as he felt something that was clogged at his throat and ran to the nearest restroom inside the restroom, minghao coughed and coughed until something came out of his mouth. he looked at his hands and saw blood and bloodied yellow carnations.
“this must be a dream” he mumbled, lost at words before he heard the bell rung and he quickly kept it in his pockets as he scurried towards his homeroom.
– ‘ i want to be someone’s everything. ‘ –
minghao arrived shortly at homeroom as he greeted by seokmin and mingyu
“ya minghao where were you?” mingyu asked him as minghao sat down beside seokmin
“i had to use the restroom because i felt like going there.” minghao nonchalantly explained, feeling uneasy internally as he felt like coughing out the flowers again
“ah i see do you want some?” mingyu handed him some candy in which minghao declined much to mingyu’s delight
“seokmin can i rest my head on your lap for a bit? i feel a little sleepy” minghao asked his friend and seokmin happily complied
“ah much better” minghao murmured quietly while seokmin played with his hair for a bit
“aww no fair why don’t i get to rest my head in your lap seokkie??” mingyu whined and seokmin chuckled
“it’s because i favor minghao more than you” seokmin joked and mingyu bickered at him and then the both of them bickered at each other as minghao was left alone in his thoughts.
‘they kissed. junhui likes him and they fucking kissed. i should have shot my chance when i had it. what a fucking loser you are minghao.’ suddenly, he felt something clogged in his throat as he was slowly losing breath. he stood up and ran away to the nearest restroom once more as mingyu and seokmin questioned what just happened. meanwhile, minghao coughed and coughed until 10 petals of bloodied yellow carnations came out of his mouth. he looked at his hands as if they were bloodied due to a murder he had committed but no, this was his own blood.
“what is happening to me??” he said shakily, confused and looked at the mirror, lifted his shirt a little and saw green vines of flowers by his ribs.
“this can’t be happening, it shouldn’t be happening!” minghao exclaimed, slowly losing himself a bit before calming himself down ‘i guess i have to endure this until it disappears’ he thought and splashed his face with water and went back to his homeroom before his teacher marked him absent.
– ‘ slowly falling where the fallen heart goes. ‘ —
the afternoon has settled in as xu minghao has been struggling to keep the flowers unclogged in his throat as every 10 minutes of class, he has to go to the restroom in order to cough out the bloodied petals. ‘ugh i feel horrible. i want to go home already.’ he thought, walking through the hallways to reach the cafeteria
“hao over here!” minghao looked over where voice came from and saw wonwoo
“wons!” minghao approached his table and sat near him
“what did you get me?” he asked “your usual of course” wonwoo handed him one of his favorites, pork gimbaps
“thanks” he proceeded to take a bite, enjoying it so much.
“oh hey you’re here haohao!” minghao momentarily stopped and looked at the owner of the voice and saw junhui. oh boy, was he not ready to face him as he felt petals clogging his throat so coughed a little bit and stood up
“excuse me” he said between his coughs and ran out of the cafeteria to the restroom
“ah hao wait!” wonwoo followed suit after he was informed by mingyu and seokmin that he kept doing this for every class. minghao coughed and coughed till the bloodied yellow carnations came out
“just when i was enjoying my favorites” he sighed and kept the petals in his pocket as he washed his hands
“minh-hao?” he turned around to see wonwoo looking at him, utterly shocked
“wo-wonwoo.” he walked towards him as wonwoo said
“why didn’t you tell me?” there was tenderness in his voice, signaling him that minghao was allowed to rely on him for comfort.
“wonwoo i- don’t know-w what’s wrong with me..” minghao leaned on him as wonwoo carefully hugged him and that’s where minghao bursted
“i don’t understand why is this happening to me?! why did i let myself fall in love with junhui?! why is it always me? did i even deserve this? i’m so confused about why i let myself be like this to the point where i just wanna give up everything yet i hid everything with a soft and painful smile!” he sobbed, as he felt another clogged up petals in his throat and wonwoo silently comforting him and listening to what he was saying. he coughed and coughed till bloody yellow carnations fell out of his mouth and onto the ground
“what even is this?! how did i even get this?” he croaked, throat slowly becoming sore from the petals and wonwoo looked at them
“do you wanna skip school to see a doctor?” wonwoo asked him quietly
“y-yes.”
“alright hold on. let me get my bag and your bag and i’ll ask both of our homeroom teachers to excuse us okay? for the meanwhile, stay here incase your throat feels clogged'' minghao nodded and off went wonwoo from the restroom
‘my heart feels a bit lighter after i vented out my frustrations to wonwoo..should i vent more to him?’ he thought, waiting for wonwoo.
– ‘ enduring the pain , getting wet with rain. ‘ –
"i'm sorry to say but you have hanahaki disease."
"what?" minghao asked, ultimately speechless
"doctor i don't think he doesn't understand. can you give some information on this disease?" wonwoo spoke out for minghao and the doctor complied.
"hanahaki disease is quite a rare disease actually. it's where you cough out petals because of unrequited love" the doctor explained
"how can i remove them?" minghao hesitantly asked
"you may remove them once you take surgery although your feelings for that person shall be removed after you take surgery or if the person proceeds to feel the same but if you don’t do the two options, then you will die with the flowers in full bloom in your body" the doctor explained once more
"oh." minghao muttered
”my suggestion is to have surgery but it is your choice to decide.” the doctor added and minghao thought for a moment, racking up an answer
“can you give me some time? i’m still not ready to give my answer”
''very well then. just reach out to me once you have decided” the doctor handed him his business card and minghao reached out for it
“ah thank you doctor. may we see you again” wonwoo and minghao bowed to him and left the hospital not before minghao coughed out the yellow carnation petals and went back to their apartment.
“so who do you like?” wonwoo broke the ice and minghao fiddled his fingers and said
“junhui.”
“oh. so you heard the news?” wonwoo asked once again
“that soonyoung and junhui are dating? i already knew once i saw them kissing by the garden of the school and where my disease started” minghao said and coughed up petals right after
“hao..” wonwoo said, concerned for his friend
“wons, i don’t want to have the surgery. i don’t wanna lose my feelings for him.” wonwoo was surprised
“minghao you’ll die if you don’t get surgery!” wonwoo explained, his tone filled with worry and dejection
“it doesn’t matter as long as I have lived loving him.” minghao reasoned, coughed out bloody petals right after
“you..you really love him don’t you?” wonwoo said, feeling crestfallen after minghao has decided to risk his own life for someone who wouldn’t return his feelings back.
“i do really love him” he smiled oh so painfully. he hoped that one day, junhui would return his feelings back.
– ‘ someday i might be in your heart. ‘ –
a new dawn has appeared as minghao awoken by the petals clogged in his throat and he immediately ran into the bathroom as he coughed them out and saw a lot of bloodied yellow carnation petals by the sink
“ww-what” his voice was hoarse and saw the vines of flowers now sprawled out between his chest. they looked so.. horrifying.
‘it’s gotten worse huh?’ he thought, throwing away the petals by the garbage bin
“good morning hao. i made breakfast so sit down and eat before we’ll be late” wonwoo greeted him as he took a bite of his breakfast and minghao sat down in front of him and proceeded to eat
“well i’ll go shower first” wonwoo took his plate and placed it in the sink and went on to the bathroom ‘i think i should tell junhui my feelings then maybe it would disappear’ he thought as he eats his breakfast and showers after wonwoo showered
“let’s go hao” wonwoo grabbed his bag and minghao grabbed his as they went out of their apartment and arriving shortly to their school
“see you later minghao, call me if you need me!” wonwoo waved before he went on his way to his class.
“hm i guess i should finally tell my feelings to him” minghao muttered before finding his way to the dance club room and he saw junhui hanging out with his newly boyfriend, soonyoung
“oh haohao!!” junhui ran to him and hugged him tightly which made minghao’s heart beat loudly. these damned feelings
“hh-hello” greeted, his voice a bit hoarse from the petals clogging his throat
“where were you minghao? are you feeling better?” soonyoung asked him, worried for his friend
“oh-h i’m fine..” he said, still stuck in jun’s bear grip hug ‘fuck i can feel the petals clogging up my throat. i need to get out of here. wait no! i still need to confess to jun!’ he argued with himself in his mind
“jun hhyun-g can y-ou let me go?”
“oh sorry haohao!” junhui loosened his arms around minghao and let him go
“so minghao why are you here so early? you usually get here after school hours” soonyoung asked him once again
“oh! uhhh i just wanted to apologize that i didn’t attend the club yesterday” he lied, feeling uneasy with his petals clogging up in his throat
“ah no worries hao! it’s fine if you had to leave because you were sick” soonyoung told him and raised his hand to make it a paw of a tiger or at least it is.
“horanghae~” he added which minghao jokingly replied with “soonyoung hyung please stop with your tiger agenda” and jun and soonyoung laughed minghao watched in awe as he saw jun laughing and it made his heart thump loudly in his ribcage until he felt more petals clogging up his throat
"ohh i gotta-a goo.." minghao ran down, not even saying goodbye to his seniors and went to the restroom as he coughed out all the petals
"fuck..i forgot to tell him" he sighed and washed out the blood from his hands and threw out the petals by the garbage can and went on to his way to his homeroom.
– ‘ when you call me, i want to fall into your arms.’ –
few days went by, minghao’s condition worsened. the lush green of stems grew by his neck and almost reaching the underside of his chin. his body became thin and his eyes have sunken yet all those things happening to minghao, he turned a blind eye to all of it.
“minghao you have got to get surgery to your hanahaki” wonwoo convinced him again
“but wons..i don’t want to lose my feelings for him.”
“bullshit. have you looked at yourself?! you’re killing yourself in the process of loving him!” wonwoo reasoned
“if i die then so be it” minghao redundantly told his best friend. petals of yellow carnations kept falling out from his mouth, all of them had dried blood.
“hao..if that’s your choice, who am i to change it..” wonwoo coldly claimed, knowing very well that sooner or later he was going to lose him. his very first friend.
“if you need me, i’m just in my room,” he added as left minghao’s room. ‘wonwoo you’re such a great friend to me. i can’t thank you enough for everything.’ minghao thought as he slept in peace.
– ‘ now i’m fallin’ to you. ‘ –
minghao couldn’t breathe. he stood up from his bed and let out a gut wrenching cough. his fleeting moment of tranquility has been replaced by an agonizing pain that is coursing through his lungs. ‘why has it come to this?’ he thought. he stared at what he coughed out, the mocking bloodied yellow carnations. fate has really played a joke on him. minghao only sighed and got up away from the bed and onto the living room.
“i see that you’re awake already. come eat with me” wonwoo urged as he set down their breakfast
“you sound like a mom” minghao replied with a snicker and sat down
“is that a compliment or another sarcastic remark of yours?” he joked as he set down their food.
“maybe both. who knows?” they both chuckled at that not long after it fell in heavy silence with both roommates not knowing what to say next. how could they? when at any moment, minghao’s life could just end at any moment. his stubbornness really.
“i’m scared, wonwoo hyung. i’m scared of dying”
“i know.” wonwoo pulls him to a tight hug. neither of them are moving, who knows when they will get an opportunity like this? the older could feel minghao’s ribs protruding and how easy it is to spot his sunken face. “hyung? can you let go now? i still have to eat y’know..”
wonwoo pulls apart, letting minghao settle down at their dining table. their pleased silence doesn’t last long with the doorbell ringing. naturally, wonwoo went towards the intercom to check on who it was. “wonwoo-ah? haohao?” now that really stumped him into silence. he quickly opened the door for the surprising visitor.
“what brings you here jun?” minghao freezes, quickly directing his gaze by the doorway. speak of the devil and lo n’ behold he arrives. what kind of face should he even make? before he could even register it, junhui had wrapped his arms around him, albeit in a half-hug.
“hao!! i’ve been so worried about you! you wouldn’t even pick up at my calls, you barely text an-” junhui stops fretting for a moment. minghao wonders before turning to face the older, his tears dropping as they both stared at each other. minghao finally puts the pieces together. it was bound to happen anyway.
“since when?” junhui sniffles, pulls apart from minghao as he wipes away his tear-stricken face. minghao tenses, an easy question for him to answer yet facing the older, it seems so.. frightening. the sudden stifling atmosphere makes minghao’s heart a nervous wreck and not long after he could feel petals clogging his airways.
“two months ago.” he sputters, coughing out the petals. junhui looks at them horrifically, minghao could only offer him a tired smile. “when you and soonyoung hyung got together.” he adds, gestures junhui to sit down beside him. the older obliges.
“you.. saw us..?” junhui mutters, his eyes tracing every part of minghao, mortified that he’s the cause of the younger’s suffering. he looks vastly different in how he remembers him. minghao musters a hollow laugh, his body is evidently failing him and there was no reason to keep up this foolish charade to junhui. “i did. even now, i still can’t fully face that memory.”
“cause i knew it from the get go that i don’t get to hold you tenderly like soonyoung does.” he says thickly, “i knew it yet i couldn’t let you go. it’s idiotic of me to still even give meaning to every gesture you make, to hope that you’ll eventually feel the same.” he sobs, coughing out more bloodied yellow carnations.
minghao further sobs into his hands, trying to hide away from junhui’s line of sight. the last thing he wants is to be looked at with those amiable eyes, even going as far as denying any comfort from the older by scooting away. junhui’s heart shatters at the rejection but obligates at his request.
“it’s pathetic, isn’t it?” he sniffles then spits out more yellow carnations. minghao stares at him, his breathing still erratic and heart at disarray but by just looking at him it's as if this moment in time will heal his hanahaki altogether. junhui smiles, though it doesn’t really reach his eyes.
“i won’t get the surgery.” he declares, albeit feebly
“what..!”
“i’ve decided. i hope you understand, jun.” minghao clasps his hand with little strength he’d garnered but junhui shakes his head in disagreement “minghao.. why..? why would you let yourself throw away your life.. just so you can love me..!!” junhui reasons, slightly raising his voice subconsciously. he just.. couldn’t allow it.
why on earth would his best friend easily say that? he’s throwing away his life goddamit!
“because,” minghao speaks, “i can’t handle knowing my memories of you will be devoid of love… seems like it’d be worse than death.” his voice feels more scratchy yet you could feel how much affection his words weigh and it builds further frustration in junhui. there’s no point in reasoning is there?
how could’ve he failed to notice? minghao’s dying.
for the sake of his love for him.
fate is far too cruel.
– ‘ we are living our first and last moment ’ –
minghao’s death rocks junhui to the core.
wonwoo had shared the passing when he saw junhui and soonyoung, though he doesn’t seem all that pleased in sharing.
the news was just so abrupt and it was only a few days ago that he had seen the younger. he knew he should’ve dragged him out of his shared apartment with wonwoo in tow if he made it more complicated with his unwavering stubbornness. he should have. the more junhui’s thoughts spiraled on what-ifs, the more he blamed himself.
he should’ve noticed it sooner. but then what?
would he have felt the same?
even then, junhui refuses to believe minghao died, even after they had tucked him in white and buried six feet under. how should he grieve him? he has no right to grieve him like a lover but it also feels wrong grieving him as his best friend.
“you loved him, didn’t you?” junhui halts in his place.
“what makes you say that..” he mutters, confused at his boyfriend’s words. soonyoung exhales “i’ve seen the way you looked at him… the way your eyes lit up whenever you get the chance to tell me things all about minghao, hell you even knew what were his annoying habits but the big difference was how much delicate you were treating him” he snorts, pushing down the sadness welling up in him
“for god’s sake, i’m your fucking boyfriend jun. so why wasn’t i the central point of your heart?” tears welled up in eyes as soonyoung sniffles. junhui tries to muster any reason but he was quickly shot down by soonyoung’s words once again.
“can’t you see it jun.. no matter what i’ll do or how much i’ve thought i swayed you, your heart only remains steadfast with minghao. every thought, action, deed you’ve done for me it all just leads back to him. honestly, i’m more appalled how you’ve gotten this far.”
his words seemed to have clicked on junhui’s mind. i liked minghao all along? it was like he had been poured with ice cold water with this realization.
as if on cue, a nauseous feeling came over his chest. he fought back the tears forming as he writhes onto the floor in a fit of coughs and hiccups. several daffodil petals settled by the cold floor with splotches of fresh blood.
the universe likes to play favorites it seems.
– ‘ so i won't take you for granted because you loved me as i am ‘ –