Chapter Text
a long, yet restless night has passed, it being woven through with yet another painful dream.
alexi quickly woke up in a cold sweat and a sharp headache, half of the dream instantly starting to disappear from her head. she immediately reached for her phone, curious about the time. through the cracks on the screen, the numbers read clearly; it was 1:27 PM.
"oh god… is it that late already…?" lexi mumbled to herself while putting her phone screen down on the bed in a forceful manner. the adorable chiikawa charm hanging from the phone jingled as it hit the crumpled-up bedsheets. after giving it half a thought, waking at such a time wasn't an odd habit anymore for the troubled girl. after all, she could barely ever sleep at night and was too drained to have a job or to pursue an education. besides, after the incident that ruined her life, she had dropped out of college.
…
just thinking about said incident made lexi's throat tighten up against her will, her stomach twist, and her breathing start coming short against her will.
that was when suddenly her dream started piecing together in her head.
…
"hehehe! you can run but you can't hide~!" alexi exclaimed joyfully, eyes meticulously fixated on the moves of the person she was playfully chasing.
"oh yeah? try catching me if you can!" replied chrysoberyl, her beloved partner. his long, honey-colored hair gracefully flowed in the wind as he ran along the waves of the shore of the beach they were currently visiting.
it was all seemingly perfect. the sun delightfully warming their skin in a comforting way, the sound of the waves of the sea crashing against the shore and their running legs, the wind blowing in their hair and cooling them off from the hot temperature… and most importantly, the two of them. together, just like it used to be. enjoying their presence, spending time and having careless fun together.
"you're done for now!" mused lexi, getting closer and closer to her target. after all, there used to be times when she enjoyed being active and moving around a lot, especially with chryso.
yet all of that is gone now. lexi stopped leaving the house almost entirely at one point, and along with the help of her increasing bad habits, her body started gradually getting weaker and more frail.
and most importantly…
"hahaha! oh yeah, i caught you!" the teal-haired girl cheered as she suddenly pounced on chrys, catching him off guard. they both fell to the ground, with lexi landing on top of him. they began laughing together, eyes shut and head thrown back, happy that they could share this lovely moment together.
…
but when alexi opened her eyes, she immediately stopped laughing.
she realised that suddenly, instead of slouching on top of her boyfriend in the warm sand, she was kneeling on uncomfortably cold concrete. in front of her was the grave of the very person she was just playfully chasing around on the beach.
right. lexi's health wasn't the only thing that faded away.
chrysoberyl passed away in a car accident almost a year ago.
after realising what her eyes were seeing in the dream, right as she was about to start sobbing, lexi woke up in her bed.
…
the realisation about her dream hit her harder than a truck.
just thinking about how this is how they could be spending their time together right now made tears start flooding lexi's beautiful, yet underlined and tired eyes. as she harshly clung to her sheets, seeking some kind, any kind of comfort, she thought about chrys. about how he's gone, and the fact that he's never coming back. about how coldly the horrid dream reminded her of that. living with that knowledge was insufferable. her wounds stung.
"i… i don't want to… k-keep living like this… i can't… take it anymore…" lexi sobbed into the sheets, with no one there to hear and comfort her besides the four walls of her room.
the more she thought about it, the more sick she started to feel. with thoughts uncontrollably flooding the girl's throbbing head just like the dream's waves of the sea, it quickly became too much to bear.
alexi pulled herself into a sitting position as quickly as her weak and hungover body allowed her to. feeling her head spin and stomach churn, she blindly headed for the bathroom. barely being able to see anything because of the tears in her eyes, lexi almost ended up tripping over the mess in her bedroom. she wasn't sure if it was over the various books and notebooks she hoarded throughout it, over the abundant amount of clothes and laundry on the floor creating a "closet" that demanded little to no energy to maintain, or maybe over the unfortunate accumulation of cans, those being either monster energy or her favorite strong zero. her day-to-day functioning became reliant on those two drinks. a mix of them was what usually filled lexi's stomach,
and usually was what came up later. along with nothing else, most of the time.
this became quite a standard in the teal-haired's routine. drinking helped her relax and forget, at least for a little while, about how much she misses her beloved chryso. caffeine on the other hand gave her enough energy to get up from bed and function properly, sometimes to actually do something productive. like, for example, to go outside, clean the house, take proper care of herself for once, sometimes draw, or maybe even do her makeup and dress up in her favorite jirai clothes. maybe take a few photos or tiktok videos, just to make herself feel a bit better and prettier. especially with the likes and praise from other jirai girls online.
when there was nothing left to come out, alexi just sat there on the bathroom floor, staring into the emptiness of the tiles, trying to calm her mind. yet no matter what she tried to do or think about, she just couldn't stop repeating in her head about how painful her life has become. all that the girl's mind was always focused on was chrys, and it was destroying her from the inside. lexi's self-destructing habits kept multiplying; alcohol. caffeine. barely eating anything. self-harm. trying smoking more frequently. rarely ever leaving the house. all of that combined with non-stop stress and thoughts about chrys that further ruined her mental state. nightmares about him occured frequently, the amount of them hasn't decreased by a bit since his passing.
…
in that moment, something in lexi broke.
she slowly got up from the cold, tiled floor, fighting against the weakness of her body, the dizziness of her head, and her poor mental being. two steps left; a deep abyss of a full-body mirror opened up before the teal-haired girl's eyes.
she stared deeply, yet emptily into the reflection in the mirror. lexi felt as if she was looking at a stranger. well, that wouldn't be a wrong thing to think from the perspective of someone like her; not even a long time ago, she looked completely different than who she has become.
alexi stripped from her pajamas in front of the mirror, consisting of a very much oversized pink my melody longsleeve shirt, paired with a random pair of sweatpants that were too long and barely managed to hang on the girl's hips. just a couple of months ago, those fit her just right.
lexi stared into her body in the mirror. before he was gone, the girl looked healthy and full of life, her eyes containing an unmissable, charming and one-of-a-kind spark. now, all she saw before her was merely a husk of her past self. her true self, who withered away beside her partner.
the current lexi appeared concerningly thin and pale. her ribs, sternum, hip bones, joints, and collarbones were visibly protruding through the teal-haired girl's sensitive skin. her previously fuller cheeks now sunk into her skull. her legs were also very thin, and she had a major thigh gap that many girls would be jealous of. her skin, which used to have a healthy glow and color, was now pale and covered in scars and fresh wounds. the majority of them were located on the girl's arms and thighs. said scars and wounds varied in depth; the most common ones were so-called beans, but medium to deep styros could be seen as well. most of the ones counted in the second category were already or almost scarred, though. the spark in her eyes was now gone, and they looked dead. the eyebags underneath them showed how tired alexi was on a daily basis due to having trouble with sleeping along with persistent stress and crying.
"...i look disgusting," she said to herself, her voice barely anything above a whisper. it's entirety went from sounding like sadness, grief and panic itself, cracks appearing frequently from crying, to sounding completely… empty. flat, spoken in just a singular tone. as if not an emotion has ever touched lexi's soul before, even though she was bawling her eyes out just a minute ago.
an idea popped into alexi's head, one she dwelled on since almost a year ago. "maybe now is the time," was the sound of her contemplations.
...