Archive of Our Own

“Bit to the left... no to the left. Oh come on, do you know where left is?”

“Do you?”

The smack followed by an exaggerated “ouch” were audible in the kitchen, where Jesse was currently preparing the vegetables for their festive chicken - the only thing they could afford. He smiled fondly.

They had agreed not to make a big deal out of Christmas because they didn't have the money to afford decorations and all the other fancy things which commercials claimed were needed for a great Christmas. They couldn't even afford a tree and the food consisted mostly out of leftovers from the diner which Tulip and Jesse worked at. Most of the money they earned was either spent on the rent, bills or their studies. They barely scraped by but they had a roof over their heads and they had each other – that as a whole was more than most other people had.

And even though they had agreed on Christmas being just another day in their lives with food that was a bit better than what they'd usually have, Tulip and Cassidy had thrown Jesse out of the living room an hour ago. They had also covered the window which connected the kitchen and the living room with a blanket. Jesse knew why they had thrown him out. They had had a change of heart and it made him feel terribly guilty. If he just hadn't told his dad...

xxx

“Odin Quincannon – you remember him, don't you?”

Oh Jesse definitely remembered the bald guy with his weird love for meat. When he was younger, Jesse had been afraid of him. Only a few years ago his dad told him that Quincannon had lost all of his family in a terrible accident, which not only stopped him from socializing but also led to him losing his faith in God. Even though Jesse still didn't like the man much, he felt sorry for him and sometimes even included him in his prayers. No one deserved such a fate.

“Yes. What about him?”

“He is trying to buy the church.”

“What?! Why?”

His father sighed. “The land. He's been intimidating many people in the area, showing up with contracts and half a dozen of his men. If they sign, he forces them to leave and just destroys their houses immediately. He was here yesterday, but I sent him away again.”

“You better be careful, dad.”

“Don't worry about me. There is nothing he can do. The land is legally mine, I have the whole town on my side and most importantly I have the Lord.”

Jesse smiled. Sometimes he was astonished by how strong his father's faith was. “How are things at the church?”

“Numbers have never been better. I even got the Tyler twins to leave their tablets at home. I think people finally start to see that their souls can be saved if they believe. They regret their sins and are looking for forgiveness. It is -”

“I'm gay.”

There was silence on the other end of the line and Jesse couldn't believe what he had just blurted out. Shit, shit, shit! Why did he say that? Had it been the conversation about God and forgiveness? Obviously it was true. And he had wanted to tell his father for a while now, but this was certainly not how he had planned it. Shit!

“Dad?”

“No!”

He didn't know what this 'no' meant. Was is a 'no I don't want to talk to you'? Was it a 'no, I am not your father'? Or was it just a simple 'no' without any meaning at all because his father didn't know how else to react to his son's sudden coming out? Whatever it was, Jesse didn't dare to speak again, his heart racing. He thought he might be sick.

Seconds ticked by, but to him it felt more like minutes or hours even. If not for the audible breathing, Jesse would have thought his father had hung up in him.

“You're not one of them!”

“Dad -”

“My only son is NOT a pervert!”

Jesse winced.

“Dad, please... let me expl-”

“Have you lost your faith? Your way? Do you want to be an abomination and burn in hell?”

“No, but - “

“There is no ‘but’! You know what the bible says about the Sodomites! You grew up with the stories and you know it is wrong. It is wrong to lust after another man!”

“Dad - “

“I'm ashamed and your mother would be, too. Pray to the Lord, Jesse! Pray to him so he may cleanse your soul from these sinful thoughts and ask him for forgiveness. I will not accept a pervert and a Sodomite as my son!”

The receiver plunked onto the telephone and Jesse was on his own, fighting the tears and listening to the beep, beep, beep of the now unoccupied line.

xxx

He still didn't know why he had just blurted out his secret that he had kept to himself for nearly two years. Jesse was thinking about it every day but even more at night s , when he was lying awake, desperately praying for help but God's silence had never been more punishing. He knew it was wrong and yet he had hoped that his dad would try to understand. He wanted his acceptance and his love. Sometimes he imagined just driving to Annville, appearing at the church's doorstep and telling his father: “I am your son. I need you. Please, love me the way I am.” However, he never had the courage to do so.

Demanding this from his father would mean ignoring that he was right. The bible said it was wrong. He could quote every single line from it, which condemned his very existence. And yet, him and Cass... it was different, wasn't it?

It wasn't lust and flesh and passion. Hell, they hadn't even had sex yet because Jesse didn't want to and surprisingly enough Cassidy didn't mind. They hadn't even seen each other naked (apart from that one time when Jesse had been terribly drunk and terribly naked, too). Cassidy didn't force him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. With him, Jesse felt warm and safe. They had a special bond, something that he had never felt with anyone before. It was nothing like they preached at church and Jesse wished he could tell his father that - or Cassidy. Jesse had always had problems talking about his feelings and telling Cass just how much he meant to him. Well... so far he hadn't.

“Jesse, get your ass here for a sec,” Tulip shouted from the living room and he pushed his thoughts aside. He quickly washed his hands and wiped them dry on his trousers. When he entered their small living room, he was greeted by two flashing grins.

“What do ye think?”

They had pulled the curtains close. The only source of light was a small Christmas tree, sparely decorated with simple, wooden stars, little wooden angels , and, weirdly enough, hedgehogs. The fairy lights switched between red, blue , and yellow in a calming rhythm and the top of the tree was decorated with a big yellow star. Jesse positively gaped.

“How did you... I thought we agreed on not getting anything because it's just not in the budget?”

Cassidy's grin got broader and he wrapped his arm around Tulip's shoulder.

“We didn't spend any money at all. I got the tree from work, ye know. Me boss said I could have it because it's old and ugly. So I took it and made it look less ugly.”

Jesse looked at the tree again and noticed that some of the branches were missing and others seemed to have been bent into the correct shape. Some needles had been trimmed, too.

“And you made the stars and stuff?” They both nodded and Jesse felt warm, a shiver running through his body. His friends had made all of this for him. That's what they had done in Tulip's room in the past few days and Jesse had been feeling so excluded and left out, fearing that maybe they had enough of his behavior. How stupid of him.

“If you look closely, you can see who made what,” Tulip commented cheekily and nudged Cassidy with her shoulder.

“Yep. Turns out, Tulip is quite good at this art stuff. Me approach as ye know, is the fewer skills needed the better.”

Jesse snorted, “that's why there are hedgehogs?”

Cassidy smiled proudly and poked one of them fondly. “Ye'd be surprised how easy 'tis to make them. I luv’ these lil bastards.”

Jesse swallowed and felt himself tearing up. “Guys, I-- this is amazing. I...” He didn't know how to thank them properly. None of the words in his head sounded good enough and the longer he stayed quiet the more uneasy he started to feel. The least thing Jesse wanted was to cry in front of them

They had noticed how bad he had been feeling after his accidental coming out. He spent most of his time locked in his room, barely drinking and eating anything. What was even worse was him avoiding Cass but that was another topic that needed different words which he couldn't seem to produce either.

The shrill ringing of the timer made him jump, but also gave him an excuse to flee the room. “Sorry, the chicken... I have to....”

*~*~*

He leaned onto the counter and took calming breathes. He was being horrible to his best friends, the two people who he loved most in this world. They had organized and decorated a Christmas tree all by themselves to help make his Christmas brighter and better. And he hadn't even had the decency to thank them.

“You okay?”

Cassidy had his arms crossed over his chest while he leaned against the door frame of the kitchen, his brows furrowed in worry.

Before Jesse turned around, he forced a huge smile on his face, “Okay? I'm great. Have you even seen the tree? It's gonna be the best Christmas ever.”

Cassidy looked at him. “Jess...”, he said and tried to take his hand, but Jesse pulled it back with a bit more force than necessary.

“I said I'm okay, Cass!”

“Yeah and tomorrow a dude with beard, staff and halo ascents from heaven to let us burn in hell,” he snarled and Jesse scowled.

“Since that telephone call with your dad, you can barely bring yourself to look at me. And when you do... there is just so much shame and hatred and I don't know if it is directed towards me, you or both. And it kills me, Jesse.”

He took a step closer but didn't try to touch him again.

“What your dad did was horrible and painful and I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling right now. I don't have parents anymore who could do that to me, but I have you and Tulip. You're my family and I know that I wouldn't be here without you. Literally.”

Jesse closed his eyes, fighting back the memories of Cassidy's darker days and then looked up. He didn't expect his face to be so open and easy to read. All the emotions that Cassidy usually hid carefully beneath thick walls of sarcasm, humor and big grins were gone. There was just a lot of pain, sorrow and – Jesse would never not be surprised by this – love.

Cassidy continued, glad that Jesse was finally looking at him and not avoiding his gaze. “The things he said about you... about us... they are not true. They can't be true.” He took Jesse's hand again, his grip determined and Jesse knew that he wouldn't let go this time, even if he tried.

“I love you, Jesse Custer. I don't care if your dad or people on the street or even the almighty Lord himself, of whom you so insist that He exists, are against it and say it is wrong. No one makes me feel the way you do. And they can call me names and say that I will burn in hell... I don't care. Let me ask you: How can something that feels so right be wrong?”

Jesse stared at Cassidy, unblinking. He could feel his heart in his chest, beating regularly and calmly and there was a warmth inside of him, that he couldn't describe or even assign to an emotion. He felt light and drunk and confused, he noticed that his cheeks were burning and that his lips had unknowingly turned into a soft smile. But he couldn't say anything meaningful back. Voicing emotions was hard enough, but saying out loud that he loved someone. He just couldn't. Instead he cracked a smile, “Look at you being all sappy,” but he squeezed Cassidy's hand in what he hoped was an obvious gesture of his affection.

Cassidy grinned back, “I'm allowed to be sappy. It's Christmas. The Douchecode explicitly states that sappiness may be pursued during the Christmas holiday season.”

“Any other guidelines of the Douchecode that allow sappiness that I should know about?”

“Ah, ye know, sap is kinda a blurry topic. It's unpredictable. But since it is still Christmas and the Code demands sap: come 'ere and give ol' Cassidy a hug.”

Jesse moved before Cassidy could pull him on his hand which he was still holding. He stepped forward, closing the distance between them and buried his face in his boyfriend's bony chest. Closing his eyes contently, he let himself be lulled in by the warm and familiar feeling in his gut when Cassidy wrapped his arms around him. He smelt faintly like alcohol and smoke but it wasn't biting or unpleasant because his aftershave covered most of it. All of this was just so Cassidy and it was something Jesse had started to connect with home.

“I'm sorry,” Jesse whispered. He knew he should clarify for what he was sorry, because clearly there were enough things he had done in the past few weeks which deserved an apology. Cassidy however, just tightened his hug and placed a soft kiss on top of his hair. “Don't worry about it.”

Jesse couldn't believe how lucky he was. He had never in his whole life met anyone like Cass. Reckless, funny, sarcastic and there was always a glimmer of danger in his eyes. That was how he got to know him and that was also how Cassidy wanted to be seen by people. But when it was just the two of them (or sometimes even with Tulip) he would show his soft, protective and kind side. Sometimes it was like living with two different people and that was certainly one of the reasons why Jesse had fallen so hard for Cassidy.

My only son is NOT a pervert...

Jesse winced inwardly and tried to focus on the moment but he just couldn't. His father's words repeatedly echoed through his brain like a tune from a particularly annoying song. And it kept his mind occupied at every single moment of his existence and reminded him of what he had done wrong, every time since he started to look at Cassidy a bit longer than strictly necessary or enjoying when their hands touched accidentally.

“I really need to clear my head”, he mumbled into Cassidy's chest. It was true. He couldn't think straight. Hah...and now his brain tried to be funny. Jesse could feel a headache building.

“I understand. Well go then,” Cassidy replied, gently pushing him back to look at him with a cocky smile. “Get some air. Tulip and me got this, right luv?”

“He can clean the kitchen after dinner in exchange,” Tulip said walking into the hallway smiling, but Jesse could see a hint of worry in her eyes.

He considered protesting, because after all they had agreed that he was responsible for the food, but Jesse knew it was useless. They were already giving him determined looks and were probably ready to shove him out of the door immediately.

“Thanks, guys. Really.” Jesse put on his jacket, slipped into his shoes and opened the door. When he turned around, Cassidy grinned at him and Tulip shoved him playfully but fondly.

“Nah not for that. Not much left to do anyways and I'll make sure Tulip ain't settin' fire to the kitchen again.”

Tulip frowned. “That happened once! You better be careful I don't set you on fire.”

“You can't do that. Jesse would miss me terribly.”

“I'll get him a dog.”

Jesse laughed and shut the door behind him. He could still hear them bickering at the bottom of the stairs.

*~*~*

He regretted not taking a scarf and a hat because it was pretty cold. His shoes crunched on the frost underneath his feet and there was a light, cold breeze. Jesse pulled up his shoulders and ducked his head, trying to cover as much skin as possible with the collar of his jacket. The sight however, was incredibly beautiful.

It was misty, which made the lights and decoration of the shops look stunning even though it wasn't completely dark yet. The frost on window sills and lanterns was sparkling in light colors and the falling snowflakes seemed to dance in the light breeze. He couldn't help but think that it felt magical to walk through this. He also didn't seem to be the only one to be out and about on Christmas Eve.

There were many people in the streets, some carrying huge bags filled with presents; some strolled through the alleyways, holding hands or leaning in close to their friend or partner. Children were running and sliding on the frozen water of a small fountain while their parents watched them. Everywhere he looked he saw smiling and happy faces. His own smile faltered. Why was he not allowed to be one of them?

How can something that feels so right be wrong?

Cassidy loved him. He had said it, used the 3 words that a lot of people don't hear at all or hear so often that the words as such lose their meaning and are just a phrase. Words you scratch into a tree as teenagers when you sometimes even don't know what they mean. Words you can buy on mugs, pillows, pictures, heart shaped plush toys and even post cards. Because everyone wants to be loved in some way.

But actually loving someone, emotionally, with everything you have to offer, is hard. It comes with struggles and obstacles when on the other side it can feel so good and be much more rewarding than money and sex. Cassidy, who usually builds up walls to hide his emotions, allowed himself to be vulnerable and decided to love him. Jesse felt goosebumps on his arms which had nothing to do with the cold.

And yet, people screamed at them for their love, shouted at them for being 'sinners' and wanted them to burn in hell. Those people flinch when they see a gay couple holding hands. And tell them they are disgusting. Jesse had seen it in his father and other people. There had been enough people on campus, too.

“Lord, help me please,” he sighed, closing his eyes for a moment in silent prayer – and promptly walked into someone.

“Oh no, I'm so sorry,” he apologized immediately.

He had ran into two men but neither of them seemed too bothered. Instead they both smiled kindly. “No worries. Nothing happened.”

Both men were wearing suits and Stetsons, which certainly didn't help against the cold and were a rather unusual look for this region. The smaller man was bald but had a large beard, whereas the other was clean shaven and had short hair. Jesse however, was barely aware of their looks because he was distracted by their hands – they were holding hands, in public, two men. He stared at the hands in shock, until he realized what he was doing. He blushed hard and tried to say something but the defensive look of the taller man made him stumble over his own tongue.

“I'm—I didn't---.”

“It's okay,” the smaller man spoke up again, “Merry Christmas to you.”

“M-merry Christmas to you, too.”

The smaller man nudged the taller one and gave him a pointed look, but his expression didn't change. Grimly he stared at Jesse, grunted and then they both walked past him, turning onto the street to Jesse's left.

He cursed inwardly. That had been so rude of him. Maybe he should follow them and apologize properly.

Jesse’s gaze followed them, followed their movements with his eyes and instead of guilt he felt a pang of jealousy. He imagined Cassidy and himself in their place, walking through the snow and holding hands. So far they hadn't because Jesse was scared. What would people think? But now...

His eyes trailed after them and caught sight of a rainbow colored flag, moving weakly in the breeze. His heart started beating faster. He hadn't known that there was something like that so close to where they lived. Was it a support group? Or a gay bar? The second was more likely. His curiosity seemed to have taken over because before he knew it, he started moving.

He could hear his heartbeat, drumming nervously in his ears as if he was doing something illegal and forbidden, when in fact he was just walking up a street. The couple had vanished inside already but Jesse still wasn't close enough to see to which building the flag belonged. However, there were a lot of people, even families with little children, who seemed to follow inside. So it couldn't be a gay bar. He walked faster now, trying hard not to run when he came to a sudden halt.

“A church...,” he mumbled in disbelief more to himself than to anyone in particular.

The big windows, the enormous wooden doors, and a sign on which Pastor Mike invited everyone to the Christmas sermon, which if Jesse was not mistaken was about to start. All of that would be very obvious clues that the building in front of him was indeed a church if it wasn’t for the flag. Jesse stared at it and again his feet started moving before he had even decided to enter. Now this was definitely forbidden and if his father knew...

This was a church, though. He thought about how he bumped into the gay couple – that couldn't have been an accident. The Lord wanted him here.

It was a small church. It probably seated about a hundred people and it reminded Jesse a lot of his father's church in Annville. There were psalms and paintings on the wall which referenced different parts from the Bible. At the very end was a huge cross and before that a simple, black pulpit. The only obvious difference between this church and every other church Jesse had been to in his life was that from the walls were hanging different colored flags, all symbols of different sexualities and gender identities. Jesse had never seen anything more beautiful in his life and yet it felt weird somehow.

He quickly found himself a seat at the very last pew before his anxiety could kick in and he decided to run out of the building again. His father didn't know he was here and if this was a LGBT friendly church then they must have some reasoning about what they preached. Or they just left out the not so nice parts of the Bible while preaching. It was a big book after all.

Jesse looked around and easily spotted the preacher. He was currently chatting with some of the people and laughed with them, before he looked at his watch and walked towards the pulpit. As soon as he stood behind it, the church fell silent.

“It fills me with great pleasure that so many of you have found their way here tonight. I know how disappointing it is to leave the warm home, walk through wind and snow and come here to listen to an old man speak. I will try to be quite quick,” He smiled broadly and people chuckled. Jesse just stared in confusion.

The atmosphere in this church was so different than what he was used to. The people seemed to genuinely enjoy being here. It didn't seem to be a duty to them like it was usually the case. Children getting dragged into church by their parents, people falling asleep during the sermon – that was church life in Annville. Here, people actually listened and they smiled. Even the children were quiet and looked eager to hear what the preacher had to say. Jesse was absolutely baffled.

It didn't take long for him to realize why the atmosphere was so different. The sermon was less about God and sins, instead Pastor Mike talked about love and virtues in ways so even the small children could understand them. It felt more like he was trying to guide people to faith. It was an option, not a duty.

Jesse was completely lost in thought, comparing the two churches with each other. Mentally he was having a slight identity crisis, questioning everything he had ever heard about faith, belief and especially his sexuality. If this church was not only LGBT friendly but also managed to be well liked and popular with the congregation, why couldn't his dad accept him?

“Please remember, Christmas is about love, hospitality and forgiveness.”

Jesse looked up in surprise when people around him started moving. The sermon seemed to have ended already. Jesse spotted the gay couple from earlier. They were talking, smiling and made their way back to the entrance, when the taller man saw him. They both exchanged a look. Jesse wasn't sure how his face had looked in that moment but the man seemed to have seen something in it. He said something to his partner and came over.

“I'm really sorry about earlier,” Jesse managed to say without stumbling over his own words this time.

“I am sorry, too. I shouldn't have been so harsh. Sometimes it's just so easy to feel threatened, even though it isn't meant in that way.” He smiled apologetically and Jesse smiled back shyly.

“I think I know what you mean.”

The man held out his hand. “Merry Christmas.”

Jesse shook it, grinning. “Merry Christmas.”

He sat down onto the pew again and closed his eyes, thinking about the past days. Why couldn't things be easy for once?

“What troubles you, son?”

He looked up and noticed that Pastor Mike was standing in front of him, his face open and friendly. Jesse realized that the church was already empty.

The preacher sat down next to him, while he considered how to answer.

“I didn't know that this exists,” he finally mumbled shyly. It was the truth. He had heard of churches like this but never actually seen one in person. He didn't understand how this man could defy every other church he knew.

“You mean the church?”

Jesse nodded silently.

“I believe that God loves us all, no matter how we look or who we love.”

“But,” Jesse started but fell silent again. He didn't know what to say without angering the preacher but he had so many questions and was just so confused.

“What is on your mind? You can speak freely. No harm will come to you,” Pastor Mike offered patiently. Jesse was sure that he wasn't the first one to have these questions and yet he still considered his options. Was there anything he would lose by talking freely? Not really.

“There is this man... I - He means a lot to me and I haven't told him because I know it is wrong to have these feelings for him. I told my father a few weeks ago and... well...” He remembered the disappointment in his father's voice and winced in pain. The memories were still haunting him, even here at church.

Pastor Mike carefully placed a hand on Jesse's shoulder in a comforting gesture. “I don't think it is wrong for you to love that man. I can see that you care very deeply about him.”

“But the Bible-,” Jesse interjected sadly.

“The Bible is only as good as the believer.”

“Do you mean to say that the Bible is wrong?”

Now that was nothing Jesse could believe nor tolerate. Pastor Mike lifted his hands in defense.

“No. I think it is what you make out of the stories. Let's take your love for another man. Name one example, one story that condemns your feelings.”

Jesse winced again. Discussing his feelings was hard enough but doing so to a man of God and inside a church felt absolutely wrong.

“The story of Sodom.” It was an easy choice. It was one of the stories which was used all the times by preachers around the world. It was the reason people called them Sodomites.

“Ah yes. Of course. So now, did God punish Sodom because the men seemed to engage in acts of homosexuality, or did He punish them for being uncharitable to strangers?”

Jesse stayed silent, furrowing his brows.

“The whole story of Sodom and Gomorrah is about two men being hospitable towards the angels whereas the men of Sodom are being rude and possibly harmful to the guests. Why would we read a story, which from the very beginning is aimed to address hospitality, all of a sudden as condemnation of homosexuality? God destroyed Sodom and its inhabitants because of their behavior towards strangers. Not because they may or may not have been gay.”

Jesse stared. He knew the story, had known it all of his lives. He had heard his own father preach it in Annville when Mrs Turner's son had come out. But never had he heard an interpretation like that and thinking about it, he had to agree with Pastor Mike. The story made much more sense if read that way. And yet..

“That might be true but it's just one of the stories. There are so many more...,” Jesse said slowly, not yet convinced that God would allow him to love Cassidy.

Pastor Mike looked at him with sad eyes, before his expression changed. He got up, Jesse thought for a moment that he had angered the preacher but in his face couldn't find any anger. Just determination.

“Wait here for me. I have something that I want to show you.”

He left and Jesse stared at the cross at the other end of the church. Instead of solutions, Jesse got more questions and even more confusion. Please God, help me.

Pastor Mike returned and held out a rainbow colored book. Jesse read the title with big eyes. The Gay Gospels – Good news for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender People . He took the book and looked at Pastor Mike with raised eyebrows.

“I want you to have this. I think you'll find it very useful.”

Jesse flicked through it; let his eyes run over some of the pages. His heart was hammering in his chest and his head was spinning. This book seemed to have an explanation for all of the verses from the Bible that were against LGBT people. “Thank you,” Jesse mumbled under his breath. He felt like it was already a sin to even possess this book. If his father... no. No. The book clearly stated that nothing was wrong with him and Pastor Mike had said it, too, hadn't he? Jesse chose his next words with care but couldn't help to blush.

“So... do you think... it is okay for me to.. l-love this man?”

Pastor Mike smiled warmly. “I think as long as you are happy, God will support you in your way.”

A smile spread on Jesse's face, too. This was the blessing he had prayed for in the past months. He stood up with a sudden determination.

“I... I should tell him.”

“I am very sure that the young man will appreciate it very much.”

“Thank you!”

Jesse left the church, feeling light headed and great for the first time in ages. The issue with his father still needed to be solved but at least he now knew that God would not abandon him for loving Cassidy. And he was ready to admit it: He loved Proinsias Cassidy.

*~*~*

Before he was even able to turn the key, the door was ripped open revealing a pale Cassidy. Whatever Jesse had wanted to say, vanished from his mind at once when he saw Cassidy's face. “You okay?” He tried to make a step forward to get a better look at his boyfriend, but he just pushed him back into the landing and closed the door behind them.

“I... eum... did something... eh... one could say.. stupid”, Cassidy whispered hesitantly. Jesse raised an eyebrow.

“What's wrong?”

Cassidy took a deep breath as if to brace himself. “I... Ye know how upset ye've been in the past weeks because of yer dad and I... I... know ye like Christmas and it's kinda a big deal for religious folks so... I... well... I might have called yer dad and eum - I might not have been so nice to him when I invited him for dinner. And.... he is here now.”

The words rushed out of Cassidy's mouth like a confession and he looked as if he expected Jesse to explode any second. Jesse however, pushed past Cassidy into the flat, feeling panic rise in him. Sure enough he saw his father's shoes in the hallway. Jesse gulped.

Quickly he slapped the Gay Gospels , which he had still been clutching to his chest, onto the shelf next to the door, shrugged out his jacket and nearly fell over when he took off his shoes. He took a deep calming breathe before he entered the living room.

His father was sitting at the table, facing the kitchen window and looking very out of place in their living room. Strangers would have read his face as neutral, but Jesse could see the hint of cool judgment in his eyes. Tulip sat at the table, too and she looked very uncomfortable. The table was already set with their little dinner.

“Dad....”

John Custer's face seemed to darken slightly upon seeing his son but he stood up nonetheless and gave Jesse a stern and pointed look.

“Where have you been? Your friends have been waiting for you.” Jesse saw Cassidy wince out of the corner of his eyes when his father stressed 'friends'. He probably hadn't known how someone was able to put so much disappointment into one word.

“I was at church,” Jesse answered defensively, which earned him a surprised look from his father. He had probably believed that Jesse was burning Bibles now that we had outed himself. He stayed silent, though and Jesse didn't trust himself to say anything else either. There were many things going through his head at the moment and not all of them were niceties.

“Well, now you're here. So I'd say we can eat,” Cassidy tried to interfere good naturedly, but Jesse could see in his posture that he was very nervous himself.

So they sat down and exchanged awkward looks. No one really dared to touch the food. Cassidy looked at Jesse's father in uncertainty. “Eum... do you want to say something?”

Jesse had never seen Cassidy like this and he knew that he wanted to leave a good impression with his father or die trying. Jesse glanced at his father, who looked rather taken aback. Whether it was because he was directly spoken to by the likes of Cassidy or some other reason, Jesse didn't know. He just felt himself getting onto his feet to help out his boyfriend.

“I want to say something.”

Where did that courage come from and why was it gone all of a sudden? He took a deep breath e for what felt like the millionth time for today. He knew what he wanted to say.

“Christmas used to be my favorite holiday of the year. Only then I was able to spend so much time with my family, the people I loved most in this world. Then Mom died and we tried our best to keep the tradition up, but it didn't stop our small family from crumbling bit by bit until just dad and me were left. But I found a new family, new people I care deeply about.” He smiled warmly first at Tulip and then at Cassidy. ”They helped me through hard times and were there for me when I needed them most. They even made the Christmas tree decoration themselves just to cheer me up because they knew how much Christmas means to me and how upset I had been in the past few weeks. I couldn't be more grateful that my old and my new family are here tonight, my father, my best friend and...,” Jesse knew that he would probably punch himself later for what he was about to do, “and my boyfriend. I love you. Merry Christmas to all of you.”

He sat down and avoided looking at anyone. His heart was beating fast and he could feel his face burning but it was true. And he was done pretending. God supported him in this.

Jesse barely noticed how Tulip started filling her plate because no one else seemed to move. She was trying hard to ease the mood but all Jesse could think about was the burning glare which he probably received at this very moment from his father. Cassidy was astonishingly silent, too.

They ate in silence, the mood was tense, definitely not very Christmassy and Jesse internally thought about when this awkward dinner would be over. He probably shouldn't have called Cassidy his boyfriend, he shouldn't have made that little speech before dinner. His father had been mad at him before but now he was probably fuming.

When their stomachs were filled and their plates empty, Jesse took some of the dishes to put them into the kitchen and to flee the awkwardness. He closed his eyes while putting the plates into the water to soak, mentally fighting the urge to bang his head against the cupboard.

“I'm so sorry, Jesse,” Cassidy whispered, while putting more plates into the water. “I didn't know he would actually come.”

“Shut up.” Jesse turned to him and smiled warmly. “I really appreciate what you did, mate.”

Cassidy looked at him with a soft grin. “About what you said before dinner...”

“Oh bugger off.” They both laughed and Cassidy took his hand. Jesse really had missed this.

“You two do remember that we have a freaking window to the living room?” Tulip hushed, bringing in more of the dirty dishes.

They jumped apart like two teenagers who had been caught doing something forbidden. Jesse looked into the living room and saw his father's face. Weirdly enough he couldn't read the expression on it. Jesse was back to wishing he could just repeatedly bang his head onto something.

*~*~*

His father stood by the door, stiffly shaking Tulip's hand. “Thank you for the invitation,” he said slowly. Then he moved over to Cassidy. Jesse couldn't see his father's face, but Cassidy looked positively scared and ready to hide somewhere. John Custer didn't say anything but he held out his hand to the younger man in what Jesse hoped was some sort of peace offering. But Jesse knew this was just wishful thinking. He sighed.

Tulip and Cassidy vanished in the living room, leaving him alone with his father. Jesse bit his lip.

“Thank you for coming, dad,” he said hesitantly, avoiding to look him in the eyes. He didn't want to see actual disappointment and resentment now that it was just them without any other people. His father stayed silent.

Jesse looked up and froze. He held the copy of the Gay Gospels in his hand, staring at it in disbelief. Jesse felt like crying.

“Dad, please, let me explai-.” His father held up his hand to shut him up. Jesse closed his eyes and waited for hell to break lose.

After a long moment of silence, John Custer spoke up again. “Can I... Can I borrow this?”

Jesse nearly sprained his neck from raising his head so quickly. His father was still holding the book but his eyes were soft and apologetic. His brain connected the words with the expression on his father's face very slowly and suddenly it clicked. He couldn't stop the tears, before he basically threw himself at his dad.

“I'm so sorry, Jesse. For everything I said. I am so sorry.”

*~*~*

Later that evening the trio sat on the sofa, Jesse being sandwiched between Tulip on his left and Cassidy on his right. He had wrapped his arms around both of their shoulders, while they leaned against him and all three of them smiled contently.

“This wasn't too bad, eh?”, Cassidy mused and the other two chuckled.

“Apart from the awkwardness,” Tulip grinned sleepily.

“Ah well...”

“You know... I think the top of the tree is a bit crooked”, Jesse muttered after a while.

“I told you, Cass!”

“Ah shut up, ye two. Everythin' is perfect as it is,” Cassidy laughed and placed a soft kiss on Jesse's cheek.