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We are perfect for each other. I calm him down and he makes me feel like more than just a random girl from some trailer park. However, nothing seemed to go perfectly for us. From Rebecca and Denny to the modelling pictures and freaking out in elevators, there was always something that got between us, as well as the others on Bailey's service thinking he was horrible.
So when I found out about my tumour, I just assumed that nothing would be perfect. Stage four cancer is aggressive. Why would I be the one in a million who would survive? I hated the fact that I would leave everyone behind: Alex, George, Meredith and even Cristina. Would they survive without me, survive without me to mediate the arguments and keep the peace?
When I found out that McDreamy had finally asked Mer to marry him, I used that as the distraction I needed. From the incredible pain and the haunting feeling of death that overhung like a rainstorm just threatening on the edge of the horizon.
It wasn't until the actual day that I found out what they had done, of course. That Mer and Derek had given up their Wedding Day (planned fully by yours truly), for me. Me, can you believe it? No, I couldn't either. I couldn't figure out why Mer wasn't wearing her wedding dress... saying it wasn't her dress. It was perfect, but I knew that she was going to freak out. I tried to tell her that marriage was good, but then Bailey started to tell me it wasn't her dress and I couldn't follow it anymore, it was making my head hurt.
Then Alex was at my bedroom door in Derek's suit telling me that they were right. He said,“She's right... The dress isn't for Meredith...”. Less than an hour later, I was walking down the aisle of the wedding I had planned. Everything was perfect, Cristina and Mer looked stunning in their dresses, yet I didn't have enough strength to walk it alone; I liked the symbolism of my best friend giving me to my husband. I was glad that George was there, as without him, I don't think I would have made it to Alex.
I didn't have any vows prepared, yet Alex blew my mind away. I have never loved him more than when I stood in front of him, and heard him say his vows. I don't think I will ever love him any less either. They increased my love for him ten fold. All of the romantics should understand; he said to me:
“Today is the day my life begins. All my life I have been just me, a smart-mouthed kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone else. Today I become accountable to you, to our future. To all the possibilities our marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything, for everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and the responsibility. Today, Izzy Stevens, our life together begins and I for one can't wait.”
Who can tell me that wouldn't have made your legs turn to mush, even without the case of cancer?
I had the most amazing day. I had gained a husband who loves me more than I could possibly imagine. I had the most amazing wedding ever, and all of our friends and colleagues were there to support us. And do I need to mention the vows again?
But then it seemed to take a nosedive towards the bottom of the ocean. My hair had started to fall out and as far as I was concerned, that was one step too far on my wedding day. Alex however stood by his vows and convinced me that I didn't need it, that I was still beautiful without it. I would feel less self-conscious if I didn't have to witness my hair fall out, I knew he was right, but it was my hair. I don't think I need to stress to you, my pain at the thought of being hairless However, he was right so we shaved it off and I took to wearing a scarf.
Alex was adamant that I would have the operation. I didn’t want it, I was tired. He gave me the decision and then told me that I didn’t get to make the wrong decision; that I “chose wrong” so I didn’t get to make the decisions… Not if it was going to affect my life with him. I didn’t want it, but I had it. And I survived; and I got my memory
Later that night I died, and against my wishes to not be resuscitated, my best friends and my husband saved me. I am glad as I live in hope that life will get better. However, how I am supposed to do that when my best friend died after he jumped in front of a bus on his way to join the US Army… while we are in the middle of a war.
I don’t know if I can survive without George, but I will certainly try. George wouldn’t have wanted us to lose our lives in mourning over his life. I know this, but it is so much harder snapping out of it. I had to help Callie to decide which organs to donate. George would have wanted to help as many people as possible; we told them everything. Louise couldn’t cope with burying George. We had to help her, however hard it was… is. Before Bailey let his organs be taken, however, she made the surgeons tell her where each organ was going. George saved seven people by dying. It is a tiny piece of mercy in amongst the pain and confusion, but at least he continued to save people until, and past, the very end.
I miss him… I miss my husband too…
Slowly, Alex is moving further away, becoming distant. I didn’t know why but I did know that when I was allowed out of the hospital, and I finally got to talk to him privately, I would find out. I owed him that, as his wife.
It’s not that I don’t understand that everyone manages with grief in their own way, I do. Cristina needs surgery, Meredith needs sex, and Alex needs to solve something… Right now he has a recurring patient with growing pains. I need my husband. I just lost my best friend, yet Alex doesn’t seem to need me. And that hurts. He won’t tell me why he doesn’t need me; he has reconstructed the many walls that he had to start with. And that hurts more than being ignored.
Just when I couldn’t stand being in the hospital anymore, I got news. I was to have a new doctor, a third year Oncology Resident. Unlike the bad news that I thought this was, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise. For, I was living. Truly living with the cancer; it wasn’t getting worse and it wasn’t getting better… But I was living.
I only had to wait ‘til the next night. I couldn’t stand the strain, the silence, the space. So, when Alex got back from the hospital, I pounced - not literally, you realize. I had made the trailer up with candles and he looked confused when he came in.
“Take off your pants.” He started to complain, but I didn’t let him. I couldn’t. I needed him to understand, that I needed him. “Be my husband, get undressed, get into bed and hold me.” I tried to make him see how much I needed him… Needed this. “I don’t know what you are so mad about. And I don’t know what you are scared of because you won’t talk to me! But I’m scared too Alex. And I can’t… If you won’t… If we are going to have any chance at a life, then I need you to please…”
“You died in my arms! ... You died in my arms!” He replied straight away, visibly upset, “You freakin’ died and then you left instructions that I wasn’t allowed to save your life!”
I couldn’t believe how much hurt I saw radiating from the gorgeous brown eyes I had come to love. “You wanna know what I’m scared of. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared to move. I’m scared to breathe. I’m scared to touch you.” He looked so angry, and then within a millisecond, he was back to being my Alex, my husband. “I can’t lose you. I won’t survive. And that’s your fault. You made me love you. You made me let you in. And then you freakin’ died in my arms.”
As he told me what had been bothering him, the only thing I could do was hug him, kiss him and hold him close. I knew that we were meant to be together, and I just had to make sure that we talked things through. I couldn’t lose him either, I wasn’t strong enough to live without Alex… and I don’t think he realized how much I needed him. The pain however, made us realize we were alive. And that is something that I strive for.
To live. To survive. To grow old. With Alex, for George.