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Things were surprisingly normal that day. There wasn’t some big occasion, or anything like that, not really. It wasn’t fireworks, where there was some big sudden bang and everything happened at once. Maybe there were subtle changes beforehand, sure. Any semblance of ‘taking care of herself’ was forgotten, and she was practically giving away whatever was left of her that others could take. But it wasn’t fireworks, it was just.. quiet acceptance.
It wasn’t loud like playing chalkboard on a turntable
Quiet acceptance that sounded like endless nights of tears. That felt like living life drifting through infinite, thick fog. That looked like giving up on any and everything she cared about.
Well, almost. If there was one thing Sayori would always cherish with her whole heart, it was her friends. Monika, Natsuki, Yuri, and MC. They meant the whole world to her, and their happiness? She would gladly trade any life left in her for that. Any part of her that still felt anything other than that dreadful, inescapable numbness - it was theirs.
Sine, cosine, tangent
And maybe that’s part of why she’s doing this. Sayori doesn’t bring her friends true happiness, she knows that already. She knows that all they see is a broken girl that can’t be fixed, dead weight at most. In their defense, who wouldn’t feel that way? She’s, bluntly put, annoying. She’s whiny, overbearing, way too clingy, and extremely sensitive. Obviously, that doesn’t bring happiness to anyone. Duh. That’s why she’s doing this.
That’s why she has to do this.
The rope is surprisingly rough in her hands. Sure, obviously rope is going to be rough, but spare her hands the calluses at least.
It’s not like that’s gonna matter in a few minutes, anyway.
For some reason, Sayori has never really put much thought into how she was going to do it. Despite thinking about it at least 3 times a day, even marking the day on her calendar, she never really put much effort into properly planning it out. Just typical lazy Sayori. She can’t do anything right, she can’t even die properly damn it!
If she can’t even die right, she really is useless. Thats all she is. Useless.
Jeez, so much for happy thoughts. Sayori was never much of an optimist, anyways. She only ever pretended to be.
Okay. This is it. Her letters are all finished and on her desk. She’s.. comfortable. Kind of. Relaxed? No.. no, that’s not right. She’s- she’s at peace. At peace with all of this. She’s just so done with all of it- done with not being able to just exist without living, but not really living. Just drifting through life like a ghost, forgotten before she ever got the chance to be noticed.
Sayoris at peace. Her friends seem to be doing okay. Her letters are done, as if anyone would want those anyway. She even left her little red bow to Monika, Mr Cow to MC, and a couple other things to Natsuki and Yuri. Little trinkets she never really cared for, because she was selfish. But they weren’t. They would appreciate it.
That’s why she has to do this.
Everything’s all ready now. She even gives Mr Cow one last squeeze, as if to apologise for the nights she had stained him with her dirty tears.
The noise, it won’t stop.
Sayori begins to wrap the rope around her neck. It’s surprisingly inviting, with how comfortable it fits.
—————
Sayori beams, warmth spreading through her cheeks as she clumsily steps over to Natsuki.
She wraps her arms around the latters waist, burying her chin by her neck as she pulls the girl into a hug from behind.
“Aah- jeez…” Natsuki mumbles, her cheeks tinted red as heat rises to her face. Only Sayori would do this much over a cookie. “I get it, I get it.”
With her cookie still in hand, Natsuki nudges her friend off her shoulder, the flush steadily fading from her face as she regains composure. It’s just a cookie, seriously..
Unfortunately, she had failed to see Sayoris ulterior motives, and-
“..Om.”
Before Natsuki has time to process it, part of her cookie is gone, the culprit none other than Sayori of course.
“H-hey! Did you seriously just do that?!”
Sayori giggles, muffled by the evidence of her delicious crime still in her mouth. Despite said mouth being full, a smile is still evident on her lips as she trots to safety.
The room fills with the sounds of MCs and Yuris laughter, accentuated by the huffs Natsuki makes as she folds her arm into her trademark pose,“Jeez! You’re such a kid sometimes!” She snaps, although there’s no real malice in her voice. Even she doesn’t have the heart to be truly mean to Sayori - the girl is just too kind.
“Monika! Can you tell Sayori- eh?“ Natsuki pauses, taking a moment to scan her eyes across the room. A distinct lack of the club President is quick to be noticed, “Ugh.. where’s Monika, anyway?”
“Good question..” Yuri says, furrowing her eyebrows. Anyone who knows her at all can clearly see the cogs whirring in her head, going through at least 100 different scenarios of what might have happened to the missing club President, “Have any of you heard anything about her being late today?”
“Not me..” Sayori says.
“Yeah, I haven’t either.” MC adds.
By this point, it’s clear that nobody has any idea what is going on. Monika could be either expelled or hanging out with her boyfriend, for all they know.
“Hm.. that’s a bit unusual.”
“I hope she’s okay..”
Natsuki, who had been leaning against a desk with her arms crossed, huffs, “Of course she’s okay,” she says. Time for some much needed Natsuki-logic! “She probably just had something to do today. She’s pretty popular, after all..”
“Eh?” Sayori speaks up again, “You don’t think she.. she has a…!”
“Ahahah. I wouldn’t be surprised. She’s probably more desirable than all of us combined.”
“Ehehe, that’s true.”
“Excuse me?!-“
Suddenly, the classroom door swings open as Monika rushes into the classroom, “Sorry! I’m super sorry!” She splutters, her cheeks painted red. Whether that be from embarrassment or running to the clubroom, nobody was sure.
MC, who had been quiet for the majority of the conversation, finally speaks up, “Ah.. there you are.”
“I didn’t mean to be late.. I hope you guys weren’t worried or anything!”
“Eh?” Sayori beams, “Monika chose the club over her boyfriend after all! You’re so strong willed!”
To this, Monika frowns slightly, “B-boyfriend? What on earth are you talking about?” She turns to MC, clearly puzzled, searching for answers.
“Ah.. never mind that. What held you up, anyway?”
“Ah, well… my last period today was study hall. To be honest, I kind of just lost track of time..”
—————
Losing track of time..
Sayori doesn’t know why she remembers that day in particular.
She also doesn’t know whether shes been standing there for a minute or 10 of them, lost in the memory of sunny days she so selfishly lived in.
…Even when she’s about to kill herself, Sayori can’t help but zone out. How typical of her.
She sighs in resignation.
She casts one last glance around the room. Golden hues paint the walls in vibrant colours.
The colours, they won’t stop.
Bright, beautiful colours
Flashing, expanding, piercing
Red, green, bl-
She checks everything one last time with her eyes, making sure everything is in place. It has to be perfect.
An endless cacophony
She tightens the rope just slightly, to make sure it works. If it didn’t and she had to go to hospital…
Of meaningless..
She kicks the chair.
Noise.
No. No. This isn’t right! Why is she doing this? Why is she doing this? Why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing this why is she doing-
She gasps, spluttering. She can’t breathe. Her hands scramble, fighting against the rope. They scratch desperately, trying so hard to preserve the life they had just tried to take. This was a mistake. This was a terrible, terrible mistake. Mistake. A mistake. This was a mistake.
Deeper and deeper my fingers go
Her vision blurs at the edges, and her lungs are burning, because she can’t breathe. No no no no no no, this can’t be how it ends!
But every time I let one go, it shatters against the tile between my feet.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, in shards all over the-
Her legs flail desperately as the last air in her lungs leave - her bloodied hands still struggle against the rope, the warm liquid steadily trickling down her arms. She pulls, and she pulls, and she pulls, but she can’t free herself of the shackles she so foolishly put herself in. She still has a life to live.. it can’t be over. It just can’t. It can’t.
But all I hear is echo, echo, echo
Slowly, she stops flailing. Her arms drop, swinging by her sides.
Her legs stop kicking, drooping down to the floor below, but never touching it. Never touching the tiles where shards shattered between her feet.
Her neck crackles and pops. The last noise she’ll ever make, escaping through holes forming in her strangled neck. She tries to scream, and nothing comes out.
Nothing ever will. Nothing ever has. She’s been silent her whole life.
An endless poem
Sayori looks at her room one last time. She looks at her bed, remembering every time she had a nice dream. Every time MC reluctantly made it for her. Every time she had a peaceful sleep under its safe covers.
She looks at Mr Cow. She remembers every time she hugged him, every time he kept her company during lonely nights. She remembers the joy she felt when MC got it for her.
She looks at her red bow. She remembers every time it accompanied her on sunny days. Sunny days she could’ve had. Sunny days that could’ve happened, if she had done anything differently. Sunny days that will never come. Sunny days that will now never exist.
Of meaningless
Sayori doesn’t notice when a single tear slides down her cheek. Not really.
…
She’s tired. Since when was she so sleepy? She doesn’t remember being so tired before.
She can’t remember much of anything anymore. She never knew anything, now. She never knew how it felt to go out on a sunny day. She never knew how it felt to laugh. She never even knew how it felt to smile, because all she knows now is that tiredness, and the burning in her lungs.
…that’s all she’s ever known, and that’s all she ever will know.
What’s her name again? She can’t remember. Why can’t she remember? Hey, her room is pretty cold. Wasn’t it spring.. Is one of her windows open? Can someone close it for her?
What time was it again?
It must’ve been night time by now. So she’ll sleep, just for a bit. Until she stops feeling so tired.
It won’t take very long…
I pop off my scalp like the lid of a cookie jar.