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Why do people take their own lives?
Some folks say it’s to escape consequences; others say it’s an undying desire for help.
For Ellernate, it’s neither of those things. His desire comes from something deeper than anything else.
It’s the overwhelming need to feel seen.
Everyone around him had their own thing going on, their own people, their own life. Whilst Ellernate was five steps behind them.
It’s not like he wasn’t social; it’s not like he wasn’t a valuable member of his top forums.
Yet despite all of that, nobody truly saw him. All of his friends had their own people, their own folks to wrap themselves around. Whilst Ellernate had no one. Nobody saw through anything. For people who claimed to care, it never felt like that.
It led to a painfully bitter feeling building up in him; every day started to blur. Trying to be successful was becoming overwhelming, and slowly and surely, even getting out of bed became hellish.
Made him feel less than human; maybe that’s why he ended up at this point. If you are considered nothing, then you’ll feel like nothing.
All of it sucked, and it’s never going to change. No matter how many people he meets, no matter how many events he does, and no matter how hard he tries. It’s all going to be pointless.
That is why Ellernate is going to take his life today. And where was he going to do it? An extremely high tower in Robloxia, one that Ellernate knew well. It was one that he was granted access to due to some business connections; while typically used for private meetings, Ellernate planned to go where no business was held.
He planned to visit the roof because of the privacy and the pain of walking the required steps. So if he chickened out, he could turn back.
Surprisingly, he didn’t do that this time. It’s not like he mechanically took each step, almost like he was in a trance.
And of course, nobody even dared to try to stop him. Instead, just gave him awkward glances or smiles as he passed by.
It felt like all of this was proving his mindset again; nobody really cares about him. It’s all fictional care to make them feel better about themselves.
All of this led to him taking the last step forward, finding his way to the rooftop. There was a door blocking him from the outside; it was the final one. It was later in the day, around noon. Leading there to a soft light as the door cracked a sliver.
The wind blew past him, causing him to take a deep breath. As he stepped outside, it was later in the day, and he preferred that.
There was something more hypnotizing about the later skies than the early ones. The colors blended, creating a comfortable atmosphere that Ellernate couldn’t help but feel successful in. Although his life was limited to catching good trades and being involved in the economy.
And with that, he marched forward. Feeling his shoes press downwards against the floor, he made it his mission to approach the railing. When he got there, he focused his vision downwards.
This is where he saw a variety of Robloxians walking along with some cars that were zooming across the street. The place Ellernate would land is directly in front of the place; he just hoped he wouldn’t land on anyone. It was quite a busy spot, after all. He would hate to accidentally break a kid’s neck along with himself.
He’ll just have to time his jump, like a rhythm game! That way, no kids get hurt, and he gets to be known as the influential guy that everyone suddenly came to love after his passing.
In a way, that would be the greatest gift of all. Being remembered by all and being remembered as something greater than what he really was. He knows his fame would be short-lived, but it’ll last if he becomes a passive influence, even if it’s just in anti-suicidal public architecture; then it’ll be enough.
Maybe his “friends” would decorate his graves and post memorable photos online. The thought of that made his face twist up in a smirk. Despite the sweat and the anxiety that seemed to be filling up his pores, he proceeded. Not close enough to reach over and grab the railing, but close enough that the idea of it was very real.
The railing itself wasn’t super tall; someone could easily stand on it or hop over it. It went up to the higher end of its stomach; the look of the railing was a classic one. Smooth, rusted metal with lines etched between the gaps of emptiness throughout the middle.
The longer he stared at the railing, the more the air started to feel denser and more overwhelming by the moment; it was now or never. If he didn’t do this today, then he wouldn’t do it ever.
He bent down, slowly untying his shoes. For some reason, he tied them with extra passion today. It almost made him angry. Almost.
Eventually, he was able to stick his fingers through the rough edges of the lace, tangling it apart with a sudden tug.
He picked himself up along with his shoes; he was pretty close to the railing, but not close enough to mechanically place his shoes in a neat and clean order.
This entire thing had to be perfect; he only had one shot at this, after all. He better make this right.
Gazing off into the sky, he was about to take a step closer to his perfect new world, new horizon even.
“Eh?” Someone called out behind him, causing Ellernate to make a panicked squeak, an embarrassing sound for someone who presents himself as stronger than he actually is. “What are you doing?” The guy called out, and the shoes in Ellernate’s hand dropped completely.
When he turned back, there was a boy. One who was shorter than Ellernate, equipped with a white coat that seemed to be made for tactical purposes. For some reason, at the sight of him, his heart relaxed into a common pace again.
The boy himself didn’t present himself as anything to be scared of. Just a guy who was on the rooftop of a very high building, for some reason.
“What are you doing?” Ellernate turned the question on him, somewhat in a rude tone.
The guy took a step closer to him; Ellernate took a step back in response. His back hit the railing with a light thud.
“I’m out here to take a smoke?” The man scoffed, taking a glance at what Ellernate was holding. “Clearly you’re out here for something else,” He said, pointing to the shoes on the ground. “I mean, I wouldn’t take my life, but to each their own.”
This admittedly took him off guard; he wasn’t expecting someone to actively pursue the rooftop during this time. Let alone say something that bold. “… What’s your name?” Ellernate asked, carefully drifting his eyes along the stranger who moved closer to have a spot beside him. He needed to know if this guy was someone important.
“Ah?” He said, ruffling his hands in his coat for something… Probably the pack of cigarettes he mentioned earlier. “Caleb, yours?” … Too many Calebs for him to say for certain who he is.
Ellernate relaxed a bit. Caleb is a name that definitely suited the boy. “Ellernate.” He said, twisting his body to stare out into the sunset and to not awkwardly stare at the boy who was to the side of him
“That’s a stupid name,” Caleb said, a giggle starting from his mouth. Ellernate isn’t sure if he is supposed to take offense or take it as a joke. “Who names their kid Ellernate?” Definitely offense.
“I swear, I’m the only normal-named one in the entirety of Robloxia.” Caleb’s entire physical stance presented something of arrogance. He stood like he knew his purpose, as if he was the most important thing in the entire world. Ellernate was envious.
“It’s better than Preponderance,” Ellernate said in response. He didn’t know why he was being dogged on when people were walking around called coolboy10000. “Besides, being unique better than something basic and unremarkable.” He could feel his muscles tense up in a smile, not that he was particularly happy.
Caleb, on the other end, had a frown on his face. Weirdly enough, Caleb had one of those faces that really do make you feel sorry for whatever caused that frown. Once more, a sense of envy filled his system. “Well, unlike you, I don’t feel the need to kill myself, so.”
Now that stung; this guy didn’t even know why he was here, or why he had thoughts of such a manner. Now he’s feeling light-headed.
“Wooaaah, is someone mad?” Caleb’s voice rippled as he said that; he was purposefully rage-baiting Ellernate, and he feared that it was, in fact, working. “Excuse me?” Ellernate replied.
“What do you know?” He asked, his voice becoming louder, shakier. “What the fuck do you know!” Ellernate put his hand on his chest, scrunching up the raggedy red hoodie he had since high school.
“You don’t know me.” Caleb pulled out his lighter from his other pocket, observing Ellernate’s breakdown in its full extent. “Nobody–” His voice started to slip; he couldn’t help but bring his hands up to his own hair, tugging on it. “Nobody fucking knows me, I don’t even know myself!”
Caleb, with the hand that held the lighter, pulled a cigarette from the box. Closing it shut and slipped the box right back into his pockets. Now carrying a cocky-like grin compared to his harsh frown earlier.
It encouraged Ellernate to continue with his ramble. “Nobody has talked to me in weeks! All of my friends are too busy with each other to even notice I haven’t been around–” All of his pent-up emotions were spilling; he could feel how his eyes were watering and how his brain was turning into a bottle of mush. “--What the fuck am I supposed to do?–”
“So what?” Caleb said, cutting him off. As he flickered his lighter up and down. A clack was being rung out with every press. Somewhere along the way, the cigarette switched from his hand with a lighter to his newly found free one. “Yeah, you have less-than-mediocre friends, and you're awfully sad.”
After a few more presses, the flame wavered forward. The light of it coated the darkish roof. “So what?” He repeated, a grin starting to play on his face as he concentrated on the fire.
If Ellernate wasn’t so suddenly, completely absorbed into the boy’s actions, he wouldn’t have been able to notice a small detail of how the sweat started to pool on his face as his mouth dragged on with every word.
Caleb’s lighter, which was being held in his hands, was brought to the cigar, lighting it with a little bit of a fizzle. The sudden smell of it led him to be grounded in reality. Leaving him to really feel the shocking impact of what Caleb’s words actually meant.
So instead of acknowledging it, he shifted his head downwards. Looking at the closed-toe shoes he dropped on the concrete. It’s embarrassing enough that he shouted at him, let alone the fact that he spilled all of his emotions.
“That’s bad for you.” Ellernate pointed out that his stance was one of shame. “You shouldn’t smoke.” His voice was of a lower temperament, one of shame.
In response to that, Caleb leaned his body upwards, taking a drag of the cigarette. Just so he could blow the smoke directly into Ellernate’s face.
It was a dick move, one that Caleb knew very well. As he let out a giggle, Ellernate instinctively pulled back, coughing aggressively.
“If you think I care about that,” Ellernate waved his hands around, trying to wipe away the blasted gray. “Then you have another thing coming, sweetheart.” Caleb leaned back, turning his head to face forward.
The nickname that rolled off Caleb’s tongue made Ellernate heat up a bit. He doesn’t even know why he’s acknowledging Caleb for longer than he already has. Clearly, he’s just some jackass who has a lack of understanding and care for the people around him.
“Besides, you were literally about to kill yourself, so really, I’m unsure why you’re lecturing me,” Caleb said in a grumble, finally placing his lighter back into his pocket. “Who else would?” Ellernate asked. Caleb doesn’t strike him this guy as one who harbors a sense of community around him.
“I don’t know, maybe Byte?” Caleb said in response, shrugging his shoulders. Ellernate doesn’t know who Byte is, but one can only assume Caleb and he were friends. “But then again, my friends aren’t baby losers.”
Ellernate shifted his face to ultimately look at Caleb’s own. Still cocky, just as he expected. Ellernate just minded less this time around. Maybe it’s due to his own emotions still plaguing him.
The metal rang out as Caleb decided to lean on it way too quickly. Ellernate was honestly worried it was going to fall, and really, Caleb was going to be the one committing suicide today. It was very rusty metal, after all, and it had to be freezing to the touch.
Although he’s unsure if Caleb would even feel that. Seeing as the main parts he was touching were covered by his thickly cut leather jacket.
“Man, these always taste like shit,” Caleb said, taking a drag of it once more. “Yet they’re the only things that aren't making me blow my brains out.”
“I think that’s called an addiction.” Not like Ellernate can judge too hard, truly. He has his own issues that he won’t mention, but that’s not something Caleb has to know. So truly, there’s something that Ellernate has a one-up on.
Caleb slid his head slowly towards Ellernate; a look of sarcasm was etched all over his face. “Noooo, really?” Caleb spoke, giving an over-dramatized version of his words. “I had no idea, thanks for letting me know!”
In response, Ellernate’s head and body shriveled back for a moment. Ouch. Now he feels like he’s being downplayed or made fun of in a way. Ellernate hates being made fun of.
As if he could sense Ellernate's sudden distress, he let out a groan and shifted his head back to the sky. “Ugh, lighten up, dude.”
“You know I was just messing with you, right?” There was a tint of annoyance in Caleb’s voice, something that Ellernate was immediately able to pick up on. He can’t tell if he’s thankful it isn’t pity, or upset that Caleb would immediately want to apologize to him.
Ellernate opened his mouth to speak, only to close it. He can’t speak. Something was clogging his throat along with his jumbled-up mind; he wished he was able to perfectly find the right things to say during these moments.
He never does.
“Okay, look–” Caleb stopped leaning on the railing as quickly as he started. Only for something worse to happen: he got closer. “We got off on the wrong foot; it happens, you know?” Ellernate doesn’t know; he’s good with people unless they’re mean noobs.
“Let me make it up to you, yeah?” Caleb suddenly, and way too suddenly, reached his free hand to Ellernate’s locs, pushing them away.
And before he even knew what was happening, Caleb was standing on his tippy toes, pressing a kiss on Ellernate’s forehead.
An awkward laugh came from Ellernate, and then another. And it didn’t stop until Caleb finally pulled away from him. At which point Ellernate wrenched his head away; he couldn’t even think properly about what was happening anymore.
“Let’s talk again sometime,” Caleb said, throwing down his cigarette onto the concrete, smothering it out with his foot. “If you live, that is.”
And with that, as quickly as that encounter began, it ended. He heard and saw the man walk away. Itrapped might kill him if he ever found out why he was up here, let alone the fact that he was kissed by someone other than him.
Ellernate should really put on his shoes.
