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Being on another planet came with a lot of challenges. Of course, the whole thing about the atmosphere that would kill me and the fact that I can’t eat the food here, but one thing I didn’t think would be such a big issue is, that I’m the only human here. I feel lonely. And I feel bad about it. I have amazing friends, including Rocky of course. We’re still struggling being separated for more then a couple of hours. And I’ve become friends with some of the scientists and there are my students who are so excited about learning from me. I can imagine how cool it must be. I would have been so excited if I could have been taught by an intelligent alien. Everyone worked so hard on keeping me alive first and making me happy second. They tried to account for everything, constantly tried to make new food options so I wouldn’t get too bored of what I have. But I am not really part of it, not really part of society or anything, really. I’m not talking about it. I try to hide it as best as possible, but I think Rocky is catching on that something isn’t right.
I sit on the beach and look out over the water. It’s beautiful. I love it, I love what they built for me. Living on a beach like this has always been my dream, but I feel something missing. For many people I see I’m an oddity who they just come by to ogle. I can’t fault them, who wouldn’t want to look at the alien who saved your planet? But it makes me feel alienated. I laugh. I am an alien so it kinda makes sense. I didn’t have a huge social life on earth, but I had felt more like a part of the world. Here I don’t fit. I’m so different from everyone else. I let myself fall back into the sand. Well, stones, really. I didn’t tell them it was too big for sand, it would have been so much more work and it’s fine. I can see the ceiling of the biodome, it reminds me that there is nothing like the Earth sky here. I will never see the sky again. I can go up the space elevator to see the stars, but it’s a lot of hassle for everyone involved so I haven’t been in years. I miss the sky. I miss human touch, I miss humans. I have someone I love here, but it’s not enough.
The stones make a sound, steps. I turn my head and see Rocky walking towards me. Something in the way they hold themselves makes me wonder what’s Wrong. There is clearly something on their mind because they look worried.
I smile and try to hide what I had been thinking about.
“Hey, bud,” I greet them. They don’t say anything, just lay down next to me. Close enough that their suit is touching me. We sit in silence for a moment. I sit up again, look out over the water, waiting for them to say anything. It takes a while but they do.
“What is going on?” they ask.
“What do you mean?” Yeah, they know something is going on, but I just don’t want to tell them. Everyone here is doing their best to make me happy, I shouldn’t be unhappy. I feel so ungrateful.
They get up, legs straight, carapace as high in the air as possible. They’re ready to fight.
“Stop playing stupid, you know what I mean. Something is going on. Are you sick? Is something not working right? Are you dying? Grace, are you fucking dying!?” They insisted we learn curse words and they like using them. And also, they're panicking.
“I’m not dying and I’m not sick,” I tell them. I mean I might be, mentally. Loneliness can absolutely lead to mental illness. But I shouldn’t be lonely, I have the best friend in the world! Who is currently freaking out, because they’re scared I’m dying.
“Are you sure? Are you lying? Don’t you dare lie about this, we’re not doing this again!” They’re mad. Yeah, when I was heavily malnourished I really downplayed how sick I was and Rocky absolutely lost it when they found out.
“I’m not lying,” I insist.
“Good good, not dying. But something is wrong and you have to tell me so I can fix!” Rocky always wants to fix everything. I’m not sure if they were like that before they left Erid or if it’s PTSD from losing their crew. But sometimes not everything can be fixed. They bounce against me now. I lift an arm and put it around them, leaning against the xenonite suite.
“It’s alright, it’s nothing you can fix,” I say.
“Tell me!” Rocky demands. I sigh.
“I feel ungrateful for it,” I say. “You guys do everything for me, I should be happy.”
“You are not happy here?” Rocky asks. They’re calming down, leaning against me.
“I’m not unhappy, don’t get me wrong, it’s just…, it’s hard being the only one of my species here,” I finally admit. I know they won’t get mad at me for it, but there will be some reaction. I hear their hands click as they think.
“You’re lonely?” they ask.
“A little, yeah, I shouldn’t be. I have you and Adrian, the pebbles, Richard and Maria.” Richard and Maria are sociologists, we have been talking a lot over the years and they have become my closest friends after Rocky and Adrian. “I love you guys, but I’m never really part of anything. I have to stay here, while everyone else can go everywhere and are outside doing their own things, having families. And I’m so different from everyone. I feel somewhat distant from everyone.”
Rocky snuggles closer to me. “I love you too. I… I will fix,” Rocky says. I laugh but it doesn’t really sound happy.
“Rock, sometimes there are things you can’t fix, I’m sorry. It’s great that I’m here, that I’m alive. I am very thankful. Please, you can’t fix everything and it’s fine.” Rocky stomps a foot.
“I can fix everything!”
“This isn’t an engineering problem. You’re the best engineer I’ve ever met, but this isn’t something you can fix, it’s okay. Yes? Please.” They push me to the ground and sit on my chest.
“Are you still feeling distant?” they ask.
“No, I feel a heavy as fuck rock crushing my lungs, but apart from that everything is fine. I might, however, suffocate and die.” It’s not true, they’re very good at controlling where their weight goes.
“You’re not, there is barely any weight on you,” they say.
I wrap my arms around them and close my eyes. It’s fine, it has to be fine. Right now, it feels fine. There are people here who love me. They might not be humans, but they love me all the same. And I love them.