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I have known him only months yet it took almost no time for him to become my best friend. Todd Anderson becoming my dorm mate might have been the greatest gift I have ever received.
Most of the time Todd is rather quiet. Whether he’s tired or wide awake he doesn’t say much. He stumbles over his words and gets anxious in front of people. But behind the closed doors of our dorm, Todd thrives.
He could talk for hours if I let him. Telling me stories of reciting poetry to me. It’s like a completely different version of Todd. Typically I let him talk on and on, because listening to Todd is like is like listening to William Shakespeare himself recite his own plays. Every word he says is carefully chosen and they string together like a symphony. It’s mesmerizing.
Todd is a true poet indeed. He rarely shows anyone his poetry, even me. But I know he writes poems constantly. Late at night, he will move the lamp to the center of the room and sit on the floor with his notebook.
He usually thinks I’m fast asleep when he does that. But most times I’m wide awake, and if I’m asleep at some point the light wakes me up. But during the day Todd tucked away safely, it’s almost never left out in the open.
But right now, the notebook open on Todd’s bed. A pencil rested in between the pages. It was just me in the dorm, a few minutes ago, Meeks had come by and needed Todd’s help with something. Todd had been in the middle of writing and hadn’t thought about hiding his notebook.
When it comes to controlling my curiosity, I am not very skilled at it. So before I knew it I was walking over to Todd’s bed and slid the book into my hands.
I closed the notebook and re opened it to the front page. Inside the cover, ‘Todd Anderson’ was written in Todd’s neat print script. I flipped the pages. The first few were mostly notes for various classes with the occasional page of doodles and pages that are scribbled out. But as I continued to turn pages curiosity began to kill the cat.
‘Teeth that bare in every smile
Strands of chestnut frame your face
Your eyes that soften when I speak
May it mean the same to me
For when you look at me all must freeze’
The poem was a beautiful combination of words. A confession. A poem of love. I had no idea there was a girl Todd liked. And a small part of me hated to think of Todd writing down his love for some mystery lady. Almost like a feeling of jealousy…
I sighed and turned the pages faster. Every page was filled with poems. Every single one was a poem of admiration, a poem of love. Page after page of Todd’s words written in graphite. And when I landed on one particular page I felt my heart drop.
The poem that was written on that page was different from all of the others. It was not made for an anonymous lover.. it was addressed directly to someone. That someone was ‘Neil’
And it dawned on me. Every poem, every declaration of love, every word written was meant for me. Those poems were not about some mystery lady.. they were about me.
’Neil
A secret can be buried
In a closet behind coats and boots
Words that are meant to be written
Never uttered
Feelings that are not to be muttered
With no paper and no pen
Those words may never be seen again
But a boy hands me my paper and a light
So that a poet may thrive
A gateway to pulling my love out
No longer behind the coats
To the boy who gave me my paper
Only through poetry may this love reach you’
I ran the tips of my fingers along the page, over the words, feeling the very small indent the pencil made on the page. An odd feeling bubbled inside of me. I felt giddy in a way. Giddy at his words. At the thought that Todd wrote this while sneaking glances at me to see if I was sleeping.
Todd would be very upset if I confronted him about the poem. He might try to back track and make up some lie before I could even get a word in. But I needed him to know how I felt about him. I can’t sit here knowing Todd’s feelings and not doing something about it.
I picked up the pencil that had rolled out of the notebook. I sat up to Todd’s bed and pressed the tip of the pencil on the page.
I flipped through a few pages until I found the page that Todd had been writing on before he had to leave. I flipped to the page right after and pressed the pencil to the paper once again.
’Todd
My secret sits with yours
It’s so dark they think they’re alone
But your secret was given a page
That page began to glow
And the two secrets see they’re not alone
They join hands and push past the coats
No longer a secret
Forever a truth
Only through poetry may this love reach you’
I set the notebook back to its previous state on the bed. I placed the pencil between the paper as it had been. I returned back to sitting on my own bed and picked back up the book I was reading.
Within the next ten to fifteen minutes, Todd came back into the dorm. He looked exhausted. But when I looked up to meet his eyes I could see the smile creep onto his face.
”Hey,” I said, I couldn’t help but smile myself.
“Hi” Todd crossed over and laid on his bed. He shook off his blazer. He had moved his notebook aside as he relaxed.
”you okay?” I sat up a bit.
“I’m alright, just really drained.” Todd let out a huff through his words.
I trained my eyes back onto the book I was reading. Though it was becoming increasingly more difficult not to stare at Todd laying in his bed with the notebook on the floor, still open but untouched.
Todd ended up falling asleep in that exact position. I on the other hand never managed to drift off into sleep. I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours.
It was silent until I finally heard some rustling from Todd’s side of the room. Todd moved the lamp to the center of the room and sat with his notebook just like usual.
As Todd flipped open the notebook I could feel my heart rate picking up. The rapid thumps in my chest only becoming more and more noticeable to me. Todd had continued writing, most likely working on the unfinished poem. He paused for a moment and then scratched out all the words in the page. He turned the page and I could see his body go ridged.
In the dim light I could still see Todd’s eyes go wide. The silence that blanketed the room was terrifying.
”Neil…?” Todd’s voice shattered through the silence, “are you still awake…?” I hesitated to respond at first.
“Yeah.. I’m up” I sat up slowly in my bed. The notebook was clutched really tight in Todd’s hands. His eyes were filled with fear.
”is- is this a joke…?” Todd gestured to the notebook.
“No, why would it be?” My voice came out slightly shaky. I felt bad in a way. Todd had this look on his face that said ‘I don’t know if I’m scared, angry, upset, or happy’.
”Neil…” Todd’s voice cracked. I could see the tears glistening in his eyes.
”I’m sorry.. going through your notebook was completely wrong and I shouldn’t have done that- I was just so curious.. and then the more I read I found out the poems were about me and.. I couldn’t help but let you know that I feel the same way.” I got up and moved to sit on the floor with Todd.
“I-I didn’t want you to find out… ever!” Todd’s eyes were distressed as they darted to look anywhere but at me.
“But why? Your poems are beautiful, and I love you too. Shouldn’t this be a good thing?”
”no! Well yes but… Neil I can’t love you.”
”why not…?” I kept my tone soft and comforting, thought I was a bit irritated.
“Why not?” Todd scoffed, “Neil do you have any idea what is being together would be like?” Todd’s breathing was staggered.
“I don’t care if we would be a secret until we die! I just want you, Todd!”
”no…” Todd let out a small laugh through the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes, “it’s not that simple..”
“I’m not an idiot I know how hard this is! Don’t you think that I’ve hated myself every day I’m alive just because I can’t control the fact that I love you. Out in the world you’re right, it’s far from simple! We hide every second from every person. But in here it’s just us.. there’s no one to hide from. If you can love on a page why can’t you love in the world..”
“It’s not- it not just about hiding…I’ve been a secret all my life, and right now you’re making it sound like I don’t have to be that secret anymore. Maybe it’s true in this down we can be ourselves, we could be together… but how long until people notice? That we’re just a bit too close? That neither of us have ever had girlfriends? How long until somebody realizes and then it’s all over…”
It was the most passionate thing I had heard Todd say in a long time. It was also the most honest and heartbreaking this he’s said too.
”I love you Neil Perry. I love you so much that it hurts. But I can’t love you… and you can’t love me.” Those words stung harder than the last. Hurt more than any cut ever could. But they hurt so much because I knew he was right.
“No.”
”what do you mean no?”
”no… I’m not giving up just like that. We don’t have to date, we don’t have to be these star crossed lovers. But I’m not letting you brush this off like it’s nothing.” I could see Todd’s lip quiver. Another blanket of silence fell between us. Only for it to be broken my Todd’s soft mutter.
“God damn it, Neil.” Todd took my face and cupped it with his hands. He pressed his lips against mine. It caught me off guard at first, but it didn’t take much time for me to melt into the kiss. Todd’s hands slid down to rest on my shoulders. The kiss only broke for a moment before I closed the gap once more.
My left hand glided to rest at the back of Todd’s neck. Lightly toying with his hair. When we pulled back from each other, Todd’s face was stained with tears, it made my heart ache.
“I wish you were a girl. Then all of this would be easier…”
”well, if I was a girl then I wouldn’t be at Welton and we never would have met.” I wiped a tear from his cheek. Todd smiled a soft sad smile. “C’mere” I held my arms out for a hug. Todd shifted over towards me and pulled me into a hug. I felt him relax in my arms as I rubbed his back.
”a secret can be buried in a closet behind coats and boots..” I muttered to words into Todd’s hair as I buried my face in it.
“Did you memorize the poem I wrote.?” Todd looked up at me.
“no that just really stuck with me. Truly a beautiful piece of literature.”
”you’re such a dork.” Todd mumbled, though I could tell he was smiling just from his tone.
“Isn’t that what you love about me..?”
“I suppose so.” Todd huffed. I leaned back to rest my back against my bed frame as Todd settled back into my arms.
We sat in the calm stillness of being cuddled up against one another. Todd was warm. It was like when a large dog might try to lay on your chest.
I threaded my fingers through his hair. It was so very soft. It smelled good too. Like lavender soap.
“Neil..?” Todd’s voice was softer with a tired haze over it.
“hm?”
“This can’t leave our room.. at all. Okay? I love you too much to risk caught and what might happen after that. Please don’t tell anyone about this.. not any of the other guys not even Charlie…. I can’t-“
“Don’t worry…. I’ve got you, okay?” I placed a kiss to the top of Todd’s head.
”I love you, Neil”
”I love you, Todd”
‘when will love be legal
There is no wrong in love
How long must I wait
Love calls me with the song of a dove
Yet I can not answer
How many years six or eight
Until they say your love shall not wait
Will I ever live to see it
A day in which I won’t use poetry
To cover the love I wish to utter’