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Felix had gotten very good at pretending.
Pretending he wasn't tired.
Pretending he wasn't hungry.
Pretending the food sitting untouched in front of him wasn't making his chest feel tighter with every passing second.
He stared down at his plate, pushing the food around with his fork as the conversation around him continued.
Nobody seemed to notice.
Nobody except Changbin.
Across the table, the older male had been watching him for the past few minutes, his eyebrows slightly furrowed.
─ "Lix?"
Felix looked up immediately.
─ "Hm?"
─ "You okay?"
─ "Yeah."
Too quick.
Changbin knew that answer.
He always did.
─ "You sure?"
Felix smiled, forcing himself to pick up his fork.
─ "I'm fine, Binnie. Eat your food."
Changbin didn't answer.
He just watched as Felix lowered his gaze again, his smile disappearing the moment nobody was looking.
And somehow, that worried him more than anything Felix could've said.
He watched Felix eat the whole time he was eating. Timed the moments between the bites he took, watched as his eyes wandered around to the others plates, like he was comparing theirs to his.
Eventually Felix stood up, grabbing his plate,
─ "Thank you for the food." Felix spoke, lightly, giving a light bow as he went to place the plate by the sink
Changbin glanced up as he saw Felix leave, and soon after stood up himself, plate empty as he put it in the sink,
─ "I'll be going to sleep," Changbin spoke, halfway up the stairs as he glanced towards his other members, "Goodnight"
─ "G'night, Changbinnie" Chan spoke, and the other members muttered their own goodnights.
Changbin knocked at Felix's door, waiting for an answer. He tapped his foot, contemplating if he should just go in or not, but that idea disappeared the moment Felix walked out of the bathroom at the end of the hall, gaze tilted low as he saw Changbin in front of his door,
─ "Lix-ah," Changbin asked, and Felix looked down at the older, "Are you okay?"
─ "I'm fine." Felix replied, coldly, before biting his tongue, regretting the way the response came out.
Yeah, he was "fine" if fine meant sitting in front of the toilet with your fingers knuckles deep in your throat
If fine meant he'd spent the last several minutes trying to undo what he's been eating.
Changbin's expression changed.
He didn't know exactly what had happened.
But suddenly, he knew something was very, very wrong.
─ “Felix…"
─ “Don't." His voice cracked, “Please don't ask me.”
Changbin swallowed, biting the inside the of his lip as he looked at Felix.
The Australian sighed, pushing past the older as he stormed into his room, closing the door behind him before Changbin couldve done anything to prevent him from going inside.
─ "Go to sleep, Hyung."
─ "Felix-" Changbin got cut off, grabbing the door handle as his other hand placed itself on the door
He let out a quick breath that quickly got cut off the moment he realized his sunshine has locked the door.
─ "Lixie.. " Changbin breathed, pressing his forehead against the door, though he got no answer.
Changbin stood there for good minutes, sitting down in front of the door, back against the wood, legs up and his elbows stretches on his knees. Every now and then, he would mutter some encouraging words, hoping that Felix would open the door."
─ "Want me to sit with you?" Changbin said the first time, sliding down the door.
─ "I'm not keeping track of what you eat, Lix." He said, minutes later
─ "We can watch something while we eat one time."
─ "I love you, Lixie."
Changbin lost track of time. He waved to his members as they came to their own rooms to sleep, some asking Changbin what he was doing, while others just passed by.
He eventually checked his watch.
23:56
'Almost midnight..' He thought, arm falling back in it's spot as he looked straight into the door in front of him. It was Hyunjin's and Jeongin's. It was obvious from the paint staining the door, an unfinished work of Hyunjin's to decorate it. He had always found Hyunjin talented, I'm sure everyone had at least once. Hyunjin knew his brushes.
Changbin swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing as his eyes slithered along the Hall's doors. On the other end, it was Chan's studio, being followed by his room at the right, and Lee Know's on the left. Minho had a couple photos with his cats on the surface, while Chan's remained simple. Then came Seungmin's door, which only had his name written on top, before being followed by his own. Then, between his and Felix's, laid Han's door, where he glued stars and stickers and such. Then there was Felix's, which he laid on, his name written in yellow on the top part of the door, just like Seungmin's, and around his name circled 8 photos, him and each of his members, on top sitting a picture with the 8 of them.
─ "You don't have to talk, Lix." Changbin said, simply, as he admired his friends' creativity, and he didn't even realize when Felix unlocked the door, only when he fell back as he opened it.
─ “Why do you keep doing this?” Felix asked, crossing his arms as he looked down at his boyfriend, who was currently sitting on the floor
─ “Doing what?”
─ “Watching me.”
Felix's voice cracked.
─ “Every time I eat, you're looking at me. Every time I say I'm tired, you ask if I'm okay. I can't even sit next to you without wondering if you're thinking about it.”
Changbin went quiet.
─ “I'm sorry."
─ “I don't want you to have to take care of me.”
Changbin's expression softened
─ “I'm not taking care of you because I have to.”
He reached for Felix's hand.
─ "I'm doing it because I Love you."
Felix would've loved hearing these words. It always made him feel all warm and giddy inside, especially because it was from his boyfriend. But, for some reason, it sounded.. Upsetting. Desperate, even.
─ "I-" Felix's voice cracked, and he immediately buried his face further into Changbin's shoulder, ''I'm tired.''
Changbin's arm tightened around him.
─ ''I know.''
─ ''No, you don't.'' Felix shook his head, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, ''I'm so tired of thinking about it all the time.''
Changbin stayed quiet, letting him continue.
─ ''Food. My body. What I ate. What I didn't eat..'' Felix swallowed, his voice becoming quieter, ''I'm tired of being scared of it.''
Changbin's heart sank.
He wanted to say something. Anything that could make the pain disappear, but every word he thought of felt too small.
So instead, he just rubbed slow circles over Felix's back.
─ ''You don't have to figure everything out tonight.''
Felix sniffled.
─ ''But what if I can't stop?''
Changbin finally looked down at him, grabbing Felix's chin between his fingers. He felt a pang of guilt the moment he saw Felix's red puffy eyes, guilty for not being able to help his boyfriend with everything he was going through.
─ ''Then we'll get you help.''
Felix's eyes lifted, finally looking at the other
─ ''We?''
─ ''Yeah.'' Changbin answered immediately, ''We.''
Felix stared at him for a few seconds before his face crumpled again, another quiet sob escaping his lips. He could feel his bottom lip quivering, and his cheek dropped on Changbin's shoulder, hands grabbing at his biceps,
─ ''I'm scared.''Felix's eyes drifted at a corner of the room
─ ''I know.''
─ ''I don't want you to leave.''
Changbin's expression softened, a small chuckle escaping him as he fiddled with Felix's sleeve
─ ''I'm not going anywhere.''
Felix leaned into him again, his fingers gripping the fabric of Changbin's shirt.
For the first time that night, he let himself believe him.
Changbin pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head.
─ ''You don't have to fight this alone anymore, Lix.''
Felix stayed curled against him, breathing unevenly as he tried to calm himself down. He let out a low sigh, biting the inside of his cheek. His tears tried, his hands still slightly shaking from his high earlier.
─ ''I don't want you to look at me differently.''
─ ''Why would I?'' Changbin frowned, following his eyes to stare at whatever Felix was staring
─ ''Because you know now,'' Felix's fingers tightened around the fabric of Changbin's shirt, ''You know what's wrong with me.''
─ ''Nothing is wrong with you.'' Changbin corrected, closing his eyes for a quick moment
─ ''There is.'' Felix shook his head, ''There has to be.''
─ ''Felix,'' Changbin gently pulled away enough to look at him, ''You're struggling. That's not the same thing.''
Felix's eyes watered again.
─ ''But I lied to you.''
─ ''I know.''
Felix looked down, ashamed.
─ ''I'm so sorry.''
─ ''Hey.'' Changbin carefully lifted his chin, making him look at him again, ''Don't apologize for being sick.''
─ ''But I scared you.''
Changbin let out a quiet breath.
─ ''Yeah,'' Changbin admitted, ''You scared the hell out of me.'' His voice wasn't angry. If anything, it was painfully soft, ''But I'm not angry at you.'' Changbin paused, ''I'm scared for you.''
That finally broke whatever remained of Felix's composure. He leaned forward, hiding his face against Changbin's chest as another sob escaped him. Changbin held him tighter.
Neither of them spoke for a while.
Eventually, Felix's breathing began to settle.
─ ''Can we just stay like this for a bit?''
Changbin smiled faintly, resting his cheek against Felix's hair.
─ ''As long as you want.''
Felix closed his eyes, a shaky sigh escaping his lips as he just held the younger close, fingers kneading through his hair. After some time, Changbin felt Felix finally relax, his breathing slowing as he fell into a deeper sleep, but not even then has Changbin let go. He could feel himself slowly tire, his eyelids growing heavy as he held the younger.
When he woke up, his arms felt light, and there was no trace of Felix anywhere, though beside him, sat a small plate with omelet with a couple baby tomatoes and a note,
''Thank you for last night,
Love you <3
-Felix
(P.S. Chan heard everything, he made me some food, some more than what I usually eat so I could eat it all''
― ''This guy..'' Changbin smiled, looking down at the note, before turning his gaze towards towards the food. It was Felix's cooking, he could recognize that food in a second.
He picked up the note again, reading it one more time.
'Some more than what I usually eat.'
Changbin's smile softened.
He knew what that meant.
It wasn't everything.
It wasn't a miracle.
But it was something.
Delix was trying.
And maybe, for now, that was enough.
Changbin carefully folded the note and placed it beside the plate before picking up his fork.
He took a bite, smiling to himself
― ''Thanks, Lix-ah.''