Chapter Text
The way Katherine had said it, she may as well have been talking about the weather, or told him what they were having for dinner. In reality, her words held the weight of an atomic bomb, and Alex very nearly dropped his jaw so that the meager breakfast he was eating almost fell out of his mouth in a gross, half masticated blob. Staring at the back of his mother’s head as she continued on obliviously with her morning chores in the kitchen, Alex waited impatiently for her to clarify what she’d just so nonchalantly confessed.
He chewed — although everything in his mouth now tasted like and had the texture of sand — swallowed, and choked out one meek little word: “What?”
Still with her back to him, Katherine shrugged her slim shoulders, her emaciated figure a reminder of her ongoing battle with grief. It might have been winning. “She accepted the invitation. Cole wanted me to let you know.”
So that’s how it was. Alex leaned back in his chair, slumping a bit, and let out a drawn out breath. His heart was doing something funny in his chest, and his stomach felt twisted into knots. Even after all these years, she still had this effect on him…
Katherine finally turned to face her son, and she was worrying on her bottom lip, studying him with concern in her gentle eyes while she wrung her wet hands into a well worn dishcloth. “Alex…Are you going to be okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Alex forced a smile, but his callused, work-worn hands — so much like his father’s now — were shaking when he grabbed his cowboy hat off the counter. He hoped she didn’t notice.
“Because… this’ll be the first time you’ve seen each other in just over six years, right?”
Breathing through his nose, Alex gave his mother his best reassuring smile. “It’ll be fine, mom. We’re all adults now. We can handle one evening of being in the same room together.”
The hat sat low on his head, gratefully obscuring most of his face. He needed to get out of the house, away from Katherine and her all too knowing eyes, her gentle voice that had a habit of coaxing out hard truths from her otherwise stubborn kids. The thing was, Alex needed to digest this information. Right now, it was like being sucker-punched, and he knew that anything he was feeling in this moment was purely reactionary. What he needed was a clear head and some hard, solitary labor. And the beauty of living on a ranch was that there was always something that needed doing.
Alex headed out of the house with a forced good-bye to his mother, and went to find Murphy in his stall. Like a little boy on Christmas Day, he couldn’t help the infectious smile that lit up his face at seeing his favorite work horse. “Hey buddy,” he greeted his sole companion affectionately, to which the horse gave a friendly whicker back. Alex fed him an apple and ran his hand along his velveteen neck. “Ready to get the day started?”
It was the break of dawn on the ranch, the time of day that cast everything in a soft, hazy light and a thin layer of mist, transforming the mountains and nearby landscape into something quiet and peaceful, like a dream. The sky was lined with deep pinks and soft blues as the sun gradually rose just over the horizon, the full trees creating shadows taller than giants across the long grass. Although the temperature was cool for the moment, the summer breeze, tinged with the scent of fresh pine, crushed leaves, and animals, promised an intense heat yet to come. Alex knew he’d be drenched in sweat by midafternoon.
Ever since his father had passed away, the Ranch had become his responsibility. Any aspirations for college, or moving away to pursue bronc riding dreams, faded quickly and soberly. He would not leave his mother, not when she was already so frail, and most of the other Walter children had started up lives elsewhere. Katherine’s grief echoed through the halls of the house like a phantom haunting them, and Alex worried what would become of her if she ended up entirely alone. Although her work kept her busy most days, there was a new gauntness to Katherine that left her looking like a waif, unable to move on or let go. How scary it must be, Alex thought, to have had a love like that only to lose it.
Initially, Cole had pleaded to come back, Jackie in tow, but Katherine had forbidden it. It had been George’s dying wish that Cole put Jackie first, that he’d love her as selfishly and intensely as he’d loved Katherine. And that meant staying in New Jersey while Jackie finished her PhD. Will, being the eldest, also offered to help out, but it would have meant leaving his very pregnant wife behind in Atlanta for months, and so Katherine had shut that down, too.
Although Alex had always liked school, and he’d been a pretty decent student with better than passing grades, the reality was that he’d never really put enough thought into college or leaving Silver Falls. Surprisingly, choosing to stay and take over his father’s business felt like one of the easier concessions he’d had to make.
And sure, sometimes it did get lonely. Sometimes, the ranch was full of memories and ghosts that prodded at the scars he’d long since thought forgotten. Afterimages of his dad working on the tractor, offering to teach him a few skills he’d appreciate when he got older. Kissing Jackie in the barn when she tasted like peppermint lipchap, motes of dust floating into the rays of sunlight. Fights with Cole among the hay bales, physical or verbal, some playful and competitive, others full of contempt and rage.
But today, the ghost that lingered was Kiley.
“Kiley’s coming to the wedding.”
Just thinking of her name made Alex’s throat constrict and his stomach drop like a stone. He tried throwing himself a little bit harder into the physical labor of the ranch, drowning out the emotional pain with a different kind, a continuing punishment for the chasm left between them. Kiley Zhou. Nothing but bitterness and regret laced those moments now, tainted like a knit sweater with fibers soaked in cigarette smoke. Although they’d known each other since they’d both been in diapers, and there’d been a time where Kiley had been such a constant in his life that he could never visualize a future without her by his side, it had been six years since they’d last spoken. Even then, their final exchange hadn’t been on the best of terms.
Alex knew he deserved it. It was his just punishment, he accepted that now. But losing Kiley had been high up there with all the other things that had gone terribly wrong in his life. To say he missed her would be like saying a blind man missed his vision, or an amputee missed their limb — it wasn’t enough. When Kiley had left town to go to the city with Dylan so that he could pursue his career in football, she’d taken a chunk of Alex’s soul with her and left a gaping hole behind. She’d never even said goodbye.
Even when George died, all he’d gotten was a clumsy voice mail on his answering machine. In her voice, there'd been a breathy, stumbling awkwardness she couldn’t pretend to hide even in light of the tragedy, like she was afraid that Dylan would overhear and reprimand her at any given moment. Alex had thrown his phone into the lake that day. It was hard to forgive her absence then, when he’d needed her the most. When he’d wanted his best friend, who had known his dad, too, and would understand some of the pain of that loss. He needed her to help him navigate the choppy waters of sorrow, to be a raft, even if he knew he had no right to her anymore.
Now, out of the blue, she was coming to Jackie and Cole’s wedding in Silver Falls.
So many thoughts raced through Alex’s head — would she bring Dylan? Of course she would, Dylan was still one of Cole’s friends, wasn’t he? Or, dare his infernal traitorous heart hope, had they broken up? No. He wasn’t going to go down that rabbit hole. It’s how he’d end up at the local dive bar, in the bottom of his cups. Booze has always brought out the worst in him — angry enough to start a brawl, get kicked out, his ass beaten black and blue, and waking up in his bed late in the morning, sore, while his mom worried over his new swollen eye, chiding him about how much he had in common with Cole.
No, Alex would stay calm and collected. He could do this. He could be civil with Kiley. They weren’t even really friends anymore, anyways. She’d just be another guest at the wedding he’d briefly have to interact with, another familiar face in a sea of faces, and that was it. He could let go of Jackie. He’d let go of Kiley, too.
But even as he thought it, in the back of his mind, part of him knew it was a lie…
Six years ago…
“Dylan got a scholarship to UoF,” Cole said between bites of his burger. “So he’s been over there a few times apartment hunting. His dad’s helping him pay for it, of course.”
“Really? Does that mean Kiley is-...I mean…” Danny nearly choked on a fry, casting discreet glances in his younger brother’s direction as he’d caught himself mid blunder.
“Wait, what do you mean?” Alex asked, choosing to ignore Danny’s attempts at concern. He hoped he didn’t sound as desperate as he felt.
Cole visibly swallowed. “He’s taken Kiley with him a few times…” He looked at Alex in a way that he never had before. Not pity, or even sympathy. Perhaps it was empathy. Alex couldn’t tell for sure, things between them were still a bit raw. Cole averted his gaze. “But, I don’t know. Dylan says she’s having cold feet…”
There was a lump in Alex’s throat. He couldn’t understand why, or maybe he just didn’t want to. “But, Kiles loves Silver Falls, she’d never leave…” It was like he was pleading with the Cosmos, his current company already aware that his petition was mired in hopelessness. Perhaps he ought to have believed in God more, Alex ruminated. The anxiety was like a knife being slid between his ribs, expertly cutting his lungs so that he struggled to breathe, drowning in his own blood.
Now it was Danny who graced Alex with pity. “Maybe she did once, but I don’t think she has a reason to stay anymore…”
Kiley’s grandma had been committed to a rehabilitation centre after she’d been nearly hit by a car when she’d walked into oncoming traffic, drunk and rambling. For once, it wasn’t Alex that Kiley had called that day. With residual bitterness, he realized he should have seen the signs back then, should have known that Dylan meant it when he’d told him to stay away. But he was still losing his best friend, and there was a pain to that which couldn’t be cauterized away as easily as her new boyfriend would have liked.
With her grandma out of the picture, it was true that Kiley had little reason to stay in Silver Falls. But his ego couldn’t be helped – a small, rebellious part of him had hoped she’d stay for him. Alex’s mouth felt dry, his tongue fat and unable to work. There was a bead of sweat rolling down his back between his shoulder blades, despite the winter chill in the late night air. His fingertips felt numb, but not from the cold. He’d already lost Kiley, he thought he’d known it. Made peace with it, even. But now, with the possibility of her leaving for good, it was as if he’d never dealt with it at all.
Alex licked his lips, trying to wet them with the little moisture that was left, but the cold winter wind dried them up just as quickly. “When…when are they flying out?” His voice came out hoarse, and the matching expressions on Cole and Danny’s faces eviscerated whatever was left of his pride.
“Winter break, I think. Alex…don’t do anything stupid,” Cole warned, but his tone was surprisingly warm, his irises an inky green in the streetlights of the parking lot, stark against the whites of his eyes. Don’t do anything I would do. Don’t do what I did for Jackie.
But Cole had Jackie. Alex had nothing. It wasn’t fair. Once, Kiley had loved him.
And he’d messed it up, pushed it away, throttled it and smothered it until nothing was left. He’d lost Jackie, but Jackie had never been his, not really. Kiles, though? Kiley was his best friend, the one person he knew he could always count on, that he could be himself around with zero consequence. She’d never been beholden to Cole, like so many other people he'd known. Alex could call her or text her anytime, tell her the truth of his heart no matter how ugly or stupid it made him seem, because she never judged him for it. He could waste away every evening playing games with her, have nerdy movie and board game nights on the weekends, or spend hours on discord talking with her about a new book that he’d become obsessed with, goading her to read it, too.
But mostly, Kiley knew his heart. She knew the ranch and his family, knew what he loved and what he hated, his passions and his shortcomings. She was the singular calm in his life amongst the frequent turbulence. How could Dylan just rip that away from him? Anger, molten hot, bubbled beneath his skin, caused his fists to clench until his knuckles turned white.
“You don’t get to tell me that, Cole. Least of all you,” he spat, aiming that anger at the one person he knew could take it. Because it wasn’t like he could go and punch Dylan in the face, no matter how much he wanted to. “It’s easy to say that when you get to hightail it to Greece with your girlfriend this summer. Now, the one person in my life who you never spared a second thought on, is leaving me to be with another stupid football player!”
The words were unfair, Alex knew it as soon as he’d said them. Not only was he losing Kiley, but he was losing his older brother too, and there was no denying that he was starting to feel abandoned by the one person he both admired and loathed at the same time. Just as it had seemed that the brothers had gotten over their Jackie shaped hurdle and were finally on their way to mending what was broken between them, Jackie and Cole were going away and leaving Alex in the lurch. It surprised him, how much it bothered him. But like hell he would admit to it out loud.
A muscle in Cole’s jaw ticked, and Alex knew he was holding back an argument, or a whip-smart insult that would cut to the quick. Sensing the bubbling tension, Danny hopped off the back of the truck and stepped between them, his milkshake and burger abandoned. “Easy now, guys. Let’s not say anything we might not mean, right?”
Danny gave Alex his full attention. “You’re hurting, and we get it. It sucks about Kiley. We’ve all been there. But if you go to her now and make a scene, she’ll never speak to you again.”
Cole exhaled, breathing out the contempt, Danny having reminded him of what it had been like for him and Jackie once upon a time. He ran a hand through his windswept hair, the color of frozen moonlight in the winter starlight, and said carefully, “I know I’m the last person to speak on it, trust me. I’m just worried about you. But I’ve also known Dylan for a long time and…he isn’t going to take it lying down. But if I have to choose a side, you know I’ll have your back.” The sincerity in Cole’s expression softened his features, and it made it harder for Alex to stay angry at him.
But Alex didn’t want to let go of the anger, because if he did, he was scared of what would come next, of what he’d be left with. Anger was easier. Grief was hard. And loneliness was suffocating. Clenching his jaw, lips pressed into a thin line, Alex grabbed his jacket and stormed out into the harsh winter winds of the night, fading into a darkness so black, it swallowed up everything the light did not reach.
Contrary to what his brothers had assumed about him, Alex didn’t go to Kiley that night. He didn’t trust that he wouldn’t start a fight with Dylan if he found him there. So he went home, slammed his door, and stewed beneath his blankets. Everything was tingling, from his fingers to his toes to his hair follicles, but whether it was from the blistering cold or the crippling anxiety, he didn’t know. His dreams were mostly blank that night when he did manage to drift into some semblance of sleep.
Tomorrow, he told himself every time he woke up.
He’d speak to Kiley tomorrow, at school. Away from Dylan. Away from everyone else.