Chapter Text
Everything has been hard since the events of Shinjuku. Even after Shibuya things got hard, but back then at least he had the Culling Games to distract him from everything that happened. Not that it was a great distraction but at least it was something. Y'know, his friends and teachers almost dying, Gojo being sealed, Yuji running away. He had made up with Yuji, and friends recovered, Gojo unsealed. But then of course Shinjuku happened. Sukuna happened. He hated himself most days. Hated having to talk to the people he cared about as if he hadn't tried to kill them. Hated talking to Gojo as if he hadn't almost killed him as well, despite Gojos insistence that he loved Megumi and it didn't matter. He hated having to get out of bed. Hated when he was forced to eat. Megumi had hurt them, his hands and his technique hurt the people he cared about most.
Everything was too much most days. He knows it isn't healthy but what can he do really. Hey, sometimes he moves from his bed in his dorm room onto the couch in the common room. He spends most of the time in his bed these days, not moving, just thinking. Everything seems worse when he lays and thinks, when he's alone. Sleeping is worse, dreaming of the horrible things his hands did. The way it felt to drown under Sukunas hold and hear him everywhere. Most of the time he wakes up silently crying or hyperventilating.
But sometimes, there's a light. Sometimes it doesn't feel as hard to simply exist, or to eat and talk with his friends or Gojo. If there's one thing Megumi knows, it's that he cares about the people he loves. Yuji, Gojo, Tsumiki, Nobara, and the 2nd years, everyone. Hell, even the former 3rd years. Gojo, despite being indisposed after his battle with Sukuna, and while slowly healing, assured Megumi that he wasn't at fault. Gojo didn't care about what Sukuna had done, he told Megumi that he loved him and didn't blame him whatsoever. Megumi didn't believe him, not that he would tell his father figure that. He had just told Gojo he loved him too.
Megumi especially loves his boyfriend. His stupid, selfless, idiot, boyfriend Yuji. He's one of the only people Megumi doesn't mind seeing when he feels like shit. Megumi thinks sometimes that Yuji is the only one who could really understand what happened to him. The feeling of guilt, how to deal with experiencing the trauma that is Sukuna using your body as his vessel to hurt and kill people. How it feels to hurt people you care about.
Yuji likes to worm his way into Megumis heart and settle there. To keep him warm and to comfort him. Megumi is laying in his bed in his dorm, as per usual, when the knock comes. Today he doesn't feel like it. So, Megumi rolls over and ignores it, nestling deeper into his unusually unkept blankets and pushing his face into the pillow. He can vaguely hear Yuji asking for him from outside the door. Megumi could cry with how unbearably sweet he can be sometimes. Even with all of his angst and struggles lately, Yuji is always there. He feels a little bit bad for being a shit boyfriend recently. Maybe he should just tell Yuji to come in.
Megumi rolls over again, meeting eyes with a stupid looking stuffed cow that said Yuji had gifted him after winning it at an arcade once. How had Megumi not realized his feeling right away? The knocking and calling out has stopped.
“Yuji?” Megumi finially calls out to the darkness of the room.
Apparently his boyfriend had in fact been lingering outside, because his voice responds excitedly, “Hey, you're awake!” which is followed by a more even toned question, “Can I come in?”
Megumi stops to think. He already called out to Yuji, there's not really a point in denying him access to his bedroom. But then again his room isn't exactly the picture of cleanliness right now. Old dishes on his desk, both clean and dirty clothes on the floor. Not to mention Megumi himself hasn't showered in a while, he probably stinks. Gross, he really should get up and clean himself and his dorm room.
He ultimately decides that Yuji has seen him and his room in worse states and calls out an affirmative noise to let his boyfriend know he can enter.
Yuji softly closes the door behind him, mindful of the clothes and random stuff on the floor as he makes he way over to Megumi and his bed.
“Hey,” Yuji says softly as his hand makes contact with Megumis forehead and pushes back his greasy hair.
“Hey”
“Can I join you maybe?” Yuji asks, already pushing the blankets back and climbing in behind his dark haired boyfriend.
“Dunno why you ask when you're already doing it,” Megumi replies, slightly muffled by the blankets surrounding him.
Megumi flinches a little bit as Yujis cold ass hands snake around his waist under the hoodie he's wearing and settle on his stomach.
“My bad babe,” Yuji smiles slightly as he buries his head into the back of Megumis neck.
“S’fine I guess.”
The two of them lay together quietly for a while, so much so that Megumi is on the edge of sleep again when Yuji shuffles them around and tucks their legs together. Megumi untangles their legs immediately after they settle again. As Yuji is about to protest, Megumi turns over and is now face to face with Yuji, slotting their legs together and wrapping his arms around him.
“What's wrong?” Yuji asks quietly, staring into Megumis eyes.
After a minute, Megumi whispers, “I… don't know, it's just… everything.”
Yuji just clings tighter, rubbing his back with one hand as he waits for his boyfriend to elaborate.
“I hurt so many people Yuji. I didn't want to do it, but I did. And I killed Gojo, and attacked our friends. I know they hate me, they just wont say it.” Megumi turns his head and buries it into the pillow again before continuing, “Not to mention fucking Sukuna. Sometimes I feel like he's still there. I can still feel him pushing me under and making me watch. It scares me. And I'm tired, so tired of everything, I just wish it was easy again, like it was before anything bad happened.”
Yuji lies there quietly for a minute or two. He doesn't quite know what to say yet, how to respond to such an unusual display of vulnerability from his boyfriend.
“I don't hate you. None of us do,” he says before continuing on, “I could never hate you and I could also never blame you for what happened no matter what you tell yourself.”
Megumi makes a non-committal noise as a response.
“I'm serious! Do you blame me for what Sukuna did in Shibuya?”
Megumis brain seems to stutter as he processes the question, “No, why would I it wasn't your fault,” he responds dejected as he processes his own contradiction.
“You see? Why would I, or anyone, blame you for what Sukuna did using your body considering they don't blame me for what he did using MY body, multiple times!” Yuji doesn't stop there, but continues with, “I know you blame yourself and trust me I get it. It's hard knowing you couldn't do anything to help and knowing people were scared and hurt because of your hands. I might be one of the only people who can understand what it feels like to be spectating while someone else thinks for you and makes decisions for you without your consent. It sucks, I know, but you have to lean on the people around you. Know that they care after everything, that they understand it wasn't your fault, and that you are also just a little bit traumatized.”
Yuji pauses then, before adding one last statement, “I know this is cliche but healing isn't linear, it's going to be hard and you're going to feel like this. I still have hard days too. But I'm here for you, so are Gojo, and Kugisaki, and everyone else. You'll get better baby I promise, even if it take a little while. Plus, technically you didn't kill Gojo because Okkotsu brought him back good as new like nothing really happened so he didn't really die if you think about it. He just has a lil scar,” he finished with a little smile.