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Before meeting him, Jaebum never thought that sadness could be something breathtakingly beautiful. It was always hurt, painful, heartbreaking, numbing, anything but beautiful. Yet when he saw Jinyoung's tears that night, he couldn't help but being mesmerized by the sight.
It was just like another night for Jaebum, walking down the road in his neighborhood after his part-time job. The rain had just stopped, but it was still quite chilly. The sky was quick to clear he could see the moon, yet not enough to show more than a few glint of stars. He was about to pass by a small park when he noticed someone sitting on one of the bench there. Only when he got closer he could saw that person clearly, and he swallowed his breath.
The stranger was drenched from the peak of his head to the tip of his shoe, showing that he was already there even when the rain was still falling. He was facing the sky, eyes shut, the locks of his hair was glued to his skin. He was one of the prettiest person Jaebum had ever met, but that wasn't why Jaebum was stunned still on his feet. It was his tears, streaming across his cheek, blending in with the creeks of rain on his face, shimmered in the moonlight.
Jaebum didn't even know why he knew he was crying right away. And he never thought there was something that could leave his mouth hanging in awe, and make it felt like the time had slowed down it almost stopped. His breath, the wind, the raindrops falling from the tree, the flow of streams on the stranger's face. The tears was so beautiful in its sadness, it took his breath away that his heart clenched, the sight tying knots over it, overwhelming him. He didn't even realize a single tear had escaped from the corner of his eyes.
He only snapped down to earth when the man broke his stillness, pulling his head forward and opened his eyes, looking straight at him. A glint of surprise passed through his reddened, swollen eyes. Jaebum suddenly felt like a kid getting caught doing something he shouldn't, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. So he did the only thing he could think of, walking away from that place as fast as possible.
As soon as he got to his studio apartment, he threw himself onto his bed. He let out a muffled groan to his pillow as he recalled the embarrassment from getting caught looking. He turned himself around and stared at the ceiling, trying to chase away the memory. And suddenly, the image of the breathtaking sight before filled his mind. The feeling he felt before came back again, inspired him.
That night, he had found his new muse.
--
Jaebum showed up in his class with dark circles around his eyes. He had just finished a song inspired by his new muse this early morning, pulling an all-nighter. He was glad he was able to finish it while his memory was still vivid and the feelings still lasted, but it made him spent his first class period he couldn't skip with trying hard to keep his eyes opened as the result. He felt like a living corpse when the class ended, walking like a zombie through the empty corridor. He just wanted to get to his apartment as soon as possible, and slept like a log through the day.
Exhaustion made him felt fuzzy, deflating his awareness of his surroundings that he failed to notice someone appeared from the corner in front of him, and bumped into that person. When he finally registered what had just happen, the other was already on his knees on the floor, picking his scattered books from the floor. He quickly bent down to help.
“Sorry, are you okay?” Jaebum asked, trying to focus on gathering the books despite his fuzzy mind.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” They stood up when the floor was already free from books, and Jaebum gave the books he had gathered to their owner. Only then he took a good look at the other, and he froze when he realized he was the stranger from last night.
“Thanks,” the boy said, pulling a small smile. His eyes were quite puffy, and his face was pale. Did he continue to cry himself out all night after I left?
“Are you sure you’re okay? You look pale.” Jaebum asked, concerned when the other swayed on his feet.
“Yeah, don’t worry-“ Jaebum managed to catch the fainted boy before his head hit the floor. He shook the other’s shoulder in panic, telling him to hang on and wake up. Then he touched his forehead, his eyes widened when he felt the stranger’s skin burned his own.
Shit, he had a fever. Is it because he got soaked from the rain last night? What should I do now? He put the other’s head gently on the floor, and started rummaging through the stranger’s bag, looking for his phone. Maybe he could find his acquaintance who would be able to bring him home from his contact. Unfortunately his phone was locked with a password, and he couldn’t find his wallet or anything that might contain his address. He sighed, pulling the unconscious boy over his back and walked to his apartment, hoping the boy would be awake on the way so he could tell him his address.
They reached his apartment, and the boy still hadn’t regained his consciousness. Jaebum put him on his bed. He didn’t have anything to treat fever in his apartment, so he went out again to buy cooling patch and medicine. Along he also bought porridge, just in case the sick boy still hadn’t eaten yet. When he got home, the other was still sleeping. He put down the things he bought on a table, taking the cooling patch, putting it on the boy’s forehead. Suddenly, the fatigue he felt before strike him harder than before, maybe added by the effort for piggybacking the sleeping boy here, and he couldn’t contain his sleepiness anymore. So he sat down on the floor beside the bed and leaned his head on the mattress, letting his eyelids slowly shut.
--
Jaebum woke up to the gentle shaking on his shoulder. He opened his eyes, and his muse’s face appeared in his sight. He was flustered for a second before he remembered that he was the one who brought him here. The boy was sitting on his bed, looking confused.
“Oh, you’re awake. Sorry, I didn’t get any sleep last night, so I just fell asleep.”
“It’s okay, but… where am I?”
“This is my apartment. We bumped into each other before you fainted. I don’t know where you live and I can’t leave you there just like that, so I brought you here.”
The stranger blushed. “Sorry for all the trouble. I’m really sorry.”
Jaebum chuckled. “Don’t worry about that. How is your fever? You don’t seem as pale as before.”
“I feel better, thanks to you,” the boy said, smiling softly.
“Good then,” Jaebum returned the smile, “Are you hungry? I bought you porridge and medicine, if you want.”
The boy hesitated for a while before he nodded with a shy smile. “Thanks.”
“Okay, wait a bit. I’ll heat it up again.”
He nodded again, and Jaebum stood up to put the porridge in the microwave. He leaned on the cabinet, feeling the awkward silence. Does he recognize me from last night? Jaebum wondered.
“I’m Jaebum. What’s your name?”
“Jinyoung. I know you, though.” Jinyoung said, making him flustered. Is it from last night...?
"You're from the music theory and composition major, right? You've become quite popular in my major, you know, after you composed for a musical play produced by my senior. I was one of the actor. The song was really good."
Jaebum almost sighed in relief, and blushed from the compliment. "It's just so-so, but thanks. So you're from musical theater major?"
"Yeah, a year below you." Jinyoung stared at him, thinking. "Seems like your personality is different from what I thought. When I see you back then, I imagined you to be scarier. You know, the lone wolf kind."
"I sure like to be alone more often than not, but not a lone wolf though. Sorry to disappoint you."
"Not at all. If anything, I'm grateful you're not the scary person I thought you to be, or else I'd be left laying cold on the corridor floor now," Jinyoung laughed.
At that moment, a beeping sound was ringing through the room aloud. Jaebum took the porridge from inside the microwave. For a second he stood still holding the porridge, thinking.
"It's okay, I'm already healthy enough to eat on the table. I'll go there," Jinyoung said, breaking the train of thought. Jaebum smiled and put the porridge on the short dining table while Jinyoung slide his legs off of the bed. After Jinyoung finally seated on the floor before the table, Jaebum brought a glass of water and the medicine he bought before, putting it beside the porridge. He wondered whether he should sit with Jinyoung or do something else to avoid awkwardness that might ensue, but before he made his mind Jinyoung had already choose for him.
"Will you please sit with me? I don't really like eating alone." It kinda caught Jaebum by surprise, but he sat down nonetheless. Then he watched as Jinyoung started to eat.
After a while, Jaebum asked, "Which role did you portray back then?"
Jinyoung finished the food in his mouth before answered, "I was D'Artagnan."
"Really? You're the lead character?" Jaebum was dumbfounded, trying hard to remember the play. "You're right. I remember you a little bit now. Sorry, I'm not really good with remembering people's face." Jaebum said, scratching his head in shame.
"It's okay, I was wearing a very thick make up back then, even my friends had a hard time recognizing me." Jinyoung chuckled.
They basked in the conversation about the play until Jinyoung finished his porridge and drank his medicine. "You can sleep again if you still feel weak," Jaebum said. Jinyoung shook his head.
"No, it's okay. I think I'm strong enough to walk home. It's not that far."
"Okay, let me walk you home then," Jaebum stood to put the dirty dishes in the sink.
"You don't have to, I'm alright."
"It's better to be cautious, isn't it? Who knows if you'd faint again on your way home? Just let me walk you. I have to go to my part time work anyway." After thinking for a while, Jinyoung finally nodded.
About twenty minutes later, they arrived in front of Jinyoung's house. It was indeed quite close, and they passed by the park from the night before.
"Thanks. Sorry for troubling you." Jinyoung smiled shyly.
"It's nothing. Make sure you have enough rest." Jaebum returned the smile, and Jinyoung nodded. Suddenly there was a familiar voice coming from behind Jinyoung.
"Jaebum? What are you doing here?"
"Junho-hyung?" Jaebum said, astounded. "Why are you here?"
Junho laughed. "Well, this is my house. Is it weird for me to be in my own house?"
"This is your house?" Jaebum shocked, then turned to look at Jinyoung, his eyes widen. "But isn't this your house?"
Junho laughed again, seeing his expression. "That's right, we live together. Remember I was married last year? Jinyoung was my wife's brother."
Whoa, Jaebum thought, that makes sense. "Yeah, I remember now. Sorry I couldn't attend the ceremony back then, hyung."
"It's alright. You haven't answered my question though."
"Oh, I just walked him home since he had a fever." Jaebum said, gesturing to Jinyoung. Junho's expression shifted with concern. "Are you okay? Why don't you call me or your sister?"
"I fainted and sleep the whole day, hyung. I'm okay now thanks to him, don't worry." Jinyoung said, reassuring him. Then he smiled gently, patting the younger's shoulder. Jinyoung smiled back, and Jaebum froze.
"We haven't met each other since you composed for my production last year. Come in, have a tea before you leave." Junho talked again to Jaebum, startling him.
"I... I..." Jaebum stuttered, then shook his head to keep his mind straight. "No, thanks. I have to go to my part time job now. Maybe later." Jaebum forced a smile.
"Okay then. Be careful on your way."
"Okay hyung. Take care." Jaebum then turned to walk away from the house. All along the way, he couldn't get his mind of from the way Jinyoung smiled at Junho, the way his gaze looked. It was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, his eyes filled with feelings. Jaebum felt a pang in his heart. He might be mistaken, but he didn't think so, as much as he wanted himself to be wrong.
Jinyoung was in love with his own brother in-law.
--
The third time Jaebum met Jinyoung was at the park before, about a month after he walked him home. The night was still chilly, Jinyoung was sitting on the same bench as before, there was tears on his cheek again. The only difference was he wasn't soaked by the rain, and Jaebum now walked to him, standing in front of him. Jinyoung was startled by his prescence, even more so when he put his jacket over him. Jaebum was about to go again when he felt a hand tugging on his wrist. And when he turned back, he found a pair of eyes, glazed with tears, looking at his.
"Can you please stay with me?" Jinyoung pleaded, his voice wavered. Jaebum was dazed for a moment, didn't quite expecting that coming. Without saying anything, he sat beside Jinyoung and took Jinyoung hand in his, giving comforting strokes with his thumb. Jinyoung's tears was flooding again at the gesture, and Jaebum pulled him in his embrace with his other hand, patting his back. He could feel Jinyoung leaned on his shoulder, his tears seeped through the fabric of his shirt.
When it subsided, Jinyoung pulled himself from Jaebum, wiping the trail of tears from his cheek. "Sorry, you always had to see me in my vulnerable moment. I'm not usually this weak, you know." Jaebum just responded with a nod. "And sorry for ruining your shirt." Jinyoung said, forcing a chuckle.
"It's alright." Jaebum said. After a moment of silence, he continued, "Next time you need a place to cry, just come to my place. It's cold outside at night, you can catch a fever again. I can leave you by yourself if you want to be alone."
"No, I don't want to trouble you."
"Don't worry about it, it's okay." Silence surrounded them again, until Jaebum found the courage to ask, "Is it because of Junho-hyung?"
Jinyoung's head snapped to look at him, his reddened eyes filled with dread. He looked like he was about to deny it, but when his lips finally formed words, it was a question, sounding calmer than Jaebum had expected. "How do you know?"
"I just knew, looking at you. I write songs for a long time, you know, so I'm quite sensitive about people's feelings."
Jinyoung took a deep sigh and turned to gaze at the sky, pulling a weak smile. "I should've known. Guess I have to be more careful if I don't want anyone else find out about it."
Without much thinking, surprised even himself, Jadbum blurted out, "How about you go out with me?"
Jinyoung turned to him again looking more dumbfounded than ever, staring straight at his eyes, searching for any sign of humor in them. Jaebum sure he found none, because he wasn't.
"With me as your boyfriend, you can avoid people being suspicious of you. You can secure a warm place to cry whenever you're sad without feeling bothered about it, because it's your right to come and go from your boyfriend's apartment. Just think of me as your ally."
Jinyoung shook his head with all his might, "No, I won't use you that way. You don't have to go for such a length for someone you just met, someone like me."
"I want to, because I love you." Jaebum finally said, revealing his true reason. If he thought Jinyoung couldn't look more dumbfounded than before, he was wrong. Jinyoung laughed hysterically, disbelieving his own ears.
"Stop joking." Jinyoung said, his voice cracked with uncertainty.
"I'm not, and you know it. As ridiculous as it sound, I fell for you the first time I met you. I don't want to see you crying alone, I don't want to see you hurt by yourself. I want to make you forget about him. I want you to be happy."
Before Jinyoung managed to fully digest his words in his state, Jaebum became anxious and rose from the bench. "I'll leave now, because if I were to hear your answer right now I'm sure that would be a rejection. Just think about it, okay? I'll wait for your answer, as long as you need."
Jinyoung stared at him for a while, and nodded. Jaebum smiled softly. "Thanks," he said, before he turned and left the park, leaving Jinyoung with his thoughts.
--
Days became weeks, weeks became months. It had been so long, and Jaebum never heard from Jinyoung since the night he confessed. He patiently waited, never searched for Jinyoung, giving him space because he was afraid he would ran away if he felt pressured. It felt like the answer would never come and he was about to give up many times, but he managed to convince himself to believe, to wait. Just a little more.
Jaebum finally got a day off. He tried not to dwell into the wait which end he couldn't see, and spent his day reading a very thick novel, drowning himself in someone else's story. He was so immersed in the book, he only realize it was already dark and pouring outside when someone knocked the door of his room. Nothing could prepare him to see Jinyoung when he opened the door, his whole body shivered, again drenched and filled with tears.
"Does your offer still stand?" Jinyoung asked, his voice shaking.
Jaebum was taken aback a little before he managed to firmly let out an answer. "Of course."
"Even though I'm in love with someone else?" Jinyoung's eyes pierced through him, challenging him with desperation.
"If I could have you, nothing else matters."
"Then I'm yours."
--
Time passed by, and they're still together. Jaebum tried his best to keep Jinyoung happy. They went on countless dates, they held hands, but never kissed. Jaebum didn't want to pressure Jinyoung with his feelings, and he wanted Jinyoung to kiss him not because he was okay with it, but because he loved him. He showed Jinyoung that he would always be there whenever he need him, and hid his feelings, pretending to be okay so Jinyoung wouldn't feel guilty and hid his own. That went on until one night, just like another when Jinyoung came to him crying again.
They were sitting on the floor beside the bed. Just like how he always did, Jaebum pulled Jinyoung into his embrace, letting him cry his eyes out on his shoulder without talking or asking. Jaebum never showed how much it broke his heart, seeing him shed so much tears for someone else, especially when he looked this desperate. It caught him by surprise when Jinyoung suddenly pulled his head from his shoulder, tears trailling on his cheeks, his eyes red and swollen. Before he managed to ask, he felt a pair of soft lips pressed against his. He was stunned, he was petrified. When it was finally registered in his mind, he pushed Jinyoung.
"What are you doing?"
Jinyoung stared at him, looking more desperate than ever. "You told me you wanted to make me forget about him. Do it then. Take my mind away from him."
Jaebum felt the force of Jinyoung lips on his again, harder than before. His eyes closed tight, his mouth sucking Jaebum's unresponsive lips. His hands slipped inside Jaebum's shirt. He could feel the warm fingers on his frozen body. Suddenly the warmth on his lips was gone. Then he recognized Jinyoung's concerned eyes.
"Why are you crying?"
Only then Jaebum noticed the wet feeling of tears that had streamed across his cheeks. He let out a mocking dry laugh, pulling himself free from Jinyoung. Jinyoung looked worried and confused.
"Because you don't love me. Because the first time you kiss me isn't because of your feelings toward me, but toward another person. Because I love you when you don't. Because when I could take your mind of off him momentarily, you would still love him again. You're mine, but you're never mine." Jaebum pulled a weak, pained smile. He could see realization and guilt flashed through Jinyoung's eyes.
"Sorry, I know I told you that if I could have you, nothing else matters. I thought always being there for you, seeing you happy was enough, but I was wrong. I thought I could do anything for you. I guess I've become greedy, hoping for your love." Silence filled the room, choking Jaebum on his breath.
"I'll go outside to cool myself down for a while. You can stay here. Please, just forget I've said that. Just treat me as you've always been when I'm back. I beg you." Jaebum said, forcing a smile before standing up and walked to open the door, and left the room.
It wasn't long before he came back, and after he did, Jinyoung treat him like before. And they continued to act like it never happened. After some time the frequency of Jinyoung coming to Jaebum's apartment increased, while his crying slowly decreased until he never came flooded by tears anymore. His smile got brighter, and there was a different spark in his eyes than before. It brought Jaebum's hope up, even when he knew he shouldn't. And it shattered when he came home hearing the sniveling sound from his apartment.
He didn't want to open the door, but he had to. That was why Jinyoung was here, that was Jaebum's purpose in Jinyoung's life. Jaebum took a deep breath, strengthened his will.
The moment he opened the door, he could see Jinyoung sitting down beside the bed as usual. His ears, however, were covered with a headset, plugged into Jaebum's laptop. And despite the tears flooding from the edge of his eyes, he was smiling wide. And when Jaebum walked closer, confused, he looked up straight to Jaebum's eyes, his own pair flaring with happiness.
Only when Jaebum finally saw the screen of his laptop, he knew what it was playing. It was the playlist of his songs, filled with his raw feelings. It wasn't well composed and polished, because no one else beside him supposed to hear it. Because if anyone to hear it, his feelings would be exposed, bare. And now Jinyoung listened to it.
"Now I remember," Jinyoung suddenly talked, startling Jaebum, "That night when you asked me to go out with you isn't the first time we see each other at the park, is it? It's not the first time you saw me crying. And that's when you started to love me?"
Jaebum shifted nervously, and finally nodded. Then he heard Jinyoung laughed, ringing through the room. "I've always wondered why you fall in love with a sick, unconscious person. Crying is no better, but I guess I could accept that more."
Jinyoung smiled, brighter than ever, put down the headset and rose from the floor to cup Jaebum's cheek in his hands, kissing him softly. He could taste salt from his tears, but the kiss itself felt so sweet Jaebum's stomach was filled with butterflies, he almost choked on it. Then as if it wasn't enough to make him felt like his bones had turned into rubber, Jinyoung broke the kiss and threw his arms around his neck, whispering 'I love you' to his ears, making him held his breath in disbelief.
"Are you sure? Do you really mean it?" When the flow of oxygen finally back to his lungs and found his voice, Jaebum feel the need to confirm it. He had been trapped in this unrequited love for too long he found it hard to believe that Jinyoung finally returned his feelings.
"Of course. Who wouldn't love someone as kind, warm, and patient as you? Who wouldn't love someone who loves you deeply, accepting everything you are? I've realized that you've become important to me, even more than Junho-hyung, long before today. But I'm only completely sure that's love when I listened to your songs. I love you, only you."
Relief and happiness washed over Jaebum, he found himself crying on Jinyoung's shoulder. Jinyoung led him to lie on the bed, one hand holding his tightly, another caressing his cheek, his shoulder, his back, his arm. When he finally tired himself to sleep, his dream was filled with sweet happiness, and he found himself waking up with a smile, not with a teardrop on the corner of his eyes like he often did these past few months. And he smiled even wider when he saw Jinyoung's sleeping face in front of his, still holding his hand.
Finally, you're completely mine.
Jaebum closed his eyes again, basking in his bliss.