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The cardboard box felt humongous in Shauna’s arms. It was increasingly getting heavier and heavier as she filled it up to the brim with items she no longer needed. Her collection of mini Care Bears. Her entire sylvanian family collection. The green pacifier she’s had since moving in with the other yellowjackets. Her childhood bear plushie. Absolutely everything that was in the slightest bit childish, was shoved into the box, with the intention of Shauna never having them again.
This had been a long time coming. Shauna was a different person now to who she was back when she got this stuff. She wanted it out of sight, and out of mind. She looked back at her room, which was now completely blank and empty. Her brown duvet covers and the plain white walls blinked back her. The only thing colourful was the papers still stuck on her wall filled with Jackie’s drawings, that Shauna had promised she’d keep there forever.
She didn’t want to spend a second longer in there, so she left with the box still in her arms, and headed for the playroom. She found Mel, Misty and Akilah in the same position they were when she’d seen them last. They were playing restaurants with the brand new play food, Misty being the waitress while Mel and Akilah were the customers. Ever since Misty had gotten new play food, she’d been eager to play with as many people as possible.
“Hey guys,” Shauna greeted.
“Hi, Shauna!” Mel grinned, happy to see her.
“Oh, do you want a table?” Misty asked, taking her role as waitress incredibly serious.
“Nah, don’t mind me I’m just stopping by,” she waved her hand around, “I was doing a bit of a clear out and was wondering if you wanted any of my old stuff.”
Misty huffed, put out by the interruption, while Mel and Akilah peered into the box. Shauna paced as they rummaged through it.
“Are you actually getting rid of all this stuff?” Akilah asked.
“Yeah, I don’t need it anymore,” she shrugged.
“Even Cheer Bear? And your pacy? And Mr Bear?” Mel asked, surprised. The box included all of Shauna’s most precious valuables.
“Yep.”
Akilah and Mel gave each other a look, but Shauna didn’t see it.
“Uh, I think we’re good,” Akilah said.
“Oh, okay.” Shauna took the box, “I guess I’ll leave you guys to it.”
“Come play?” Misty flashed her puppy dog eyes.
“Maybe later,” she brushed off, leaving the room. She hadn’t played in ages and the others had clearly caught on, asking more frequently. It’s not that she didn’t like playing, it’s just that it made her feel fuzzy, and she couldn’t allow herself to feel like that anymore.
She almost fell over as she made her way into the living room. The house was currently going through an art phase, so she wasn’t surprised to see most of the yellowjackets at the table either drawing or accompanying someone who was. It was a lot better than their last phase, which was baking, as that had quickly gotten messy.
Jackie immediately sensed her presence, looking up and grinning. “Shauna! Wanna join?”
She waved the paper she was currently working on, filled with pink swirls.
“That looks lovely, Bug. I might join in a bit, I’m just doing something at the moment.”
“Okay!”
Shauna dropped the box on the counter, drawing everyone’s attention.
“What you got there?” Tai asked, moving beside her.
“Oh just some stuff I don’t want anymore. I thought I'd see if anyone wants anything before I get rid of it,” Shauna shrugged.
The moment Tai got a closer look, her smile turned into a frown.
“Shauna you’re…getting rid of all your little stuff?”
“Yeah well, I don’t need it,” she explained simply.
“Where is this coming from? You never told us you wanted to stop regressing.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Shauna murmured, turning away from Tai’s intense gaze.
“Of course it does. This is a big decision that needs to be discussed before you just throw everything away. Is this really what you want?”
“I just want everything gone.”
“Why?” Taissa pushed.
“Because I just do! God I can’t do anything in this house without being interrogated! I just want my own life! My own space! The choice to make any stupid decision I want to make because I am an adult!” she screamed. The entire house seemed to go silent. The littles at the table, Jackie, Laura Lee and Van, watched the tense discussion, dropping their pens in favour of watching it unfold.
“Well then talk to us! How are we supposed to know how you’re feeling if you won’t even talk about it?” Tai argued.
Shauna scoffed, “like anyone cares about how I feel.”
“What are you talking about? Of course we care.”
“No you don’t! You just force me to see a therapist who literally despises my existence and then call it a day. You don’t listen to me!”
“So this is about the therapy,” Tai concluded, crossing her arms.
“No! This is about me making any decision I want to! I knew you wouldn’t get it!” Shauna bit back.
“Hey, what's going on?” Lottie asked, coming to Shauna’s side. Lottie always had a habit of coming to Shauna’s defense in arguments, which she always appreciated, especially when it felt like everyone was against her.
Shauna couldn’t reply, words turning to mush in her mouth. She knew what she wanted to say, but her brain refused to cooperate with her mouth. Her body was rigid and her shaking hands were drawn tightly into a fist. She hated getting angry. It felt like her body was on fire, and the only way she could stop it was by shouting at anyone closest to her. She didn’t feel in control of herself.
Before the wilderness, she almost never got angry. Just more evidence of that place fucking her up in ways she refused to think about.
“Shauna’s getting rid of all her little stuff,” Tai explained.
“No, I’m giving it away,” she added, like it made a difference.
“Yeah and then you’re getting rid of it.”
“Is there a specific reason why?” Lottie asked softly.
Shauna blinked into Lottie’s warm, brown eyes that stayed on her the whole time.
“I—” Shauna tried, but she couldn’t find the words. She shut her mouth, frustratedly.
“It’s okay. You can tell us whenever you're ready,” Lottie assured, understanding her immediately.
Tears pinched her eyes as her vision darted from Lottie, to Tai, to the littles staring at her, wide eyed. She slammed her fist down on the counter, causing a loud bang to erupt. Pain blossomed, but Shauna just pushed it down.
“I’m going for a walk,” she said through gritted teeth, rushing out of the kitchen to put on her shoes. It was like there was no air left for her in the house. She needed to get out.
“I’m coming with you,” Lottie confirmed, leaving no room for discussion.
Shauna huffed but didn’t argue, just disappeared out the front door, leaving Lottie to catch up with her.
It was late afternoon now, the sun turning everything a dark orange as it began to set. It was cool, which was a surprise, as it had been boiling hot all day. There was a pleasant breeze that felt good to breathe in after feeling so stuffy and pent up. Shauna’s feet slammed against the pavement, releasing her anger one step at a time. She walked and walked and walked until her legs ached and her heart raced, and she had slowed her pace down to the point Lottie could walk beside her.
They reached their local park that they visited often. It had a range of equipment, but it wasn’t too busy unless it was day time during the summer holidays. Shauna planted herself on the grass next to her favourite oak tree, away from a single person. She started pulling out blades of grass as Lottie sat opposite her.
“How are you feeling now?” Lottie asked her.
“Less like I’m going to bash my head in,” she deadpanned.
A white butterfly flickered past them, catching both of their attention for a split second.
“It’s okay if you do want to stop regressing. No one’s forcing you,” Lottie stated gently, “but you know…we’re all really worried about you, Shauna. You haven’t been yourself lately. You’re in your room ninety percent of the time and you barely talk to anyone, I mean, not even Jackie. And you’ve stopped therapy.”
Shauna groaned.
“I know you didn’t like Claire, but we’ve offered you new therapists and you’ve refused every single one. We just want to help you.”
“I don’t need help,” she scoffed. Her fingernails were full of dirt, but she couldn’t stop ripping up the grass.
“Everyone needs help.”
“Well I’m not everyone. I just want everyone to leave me alone.”
“I don’t think you really want that, but alright.”
Shauna huffed at her being right once again, staring into the distance. There was a blue tit flying to the different trees, so carefree and effortless.
“I know I've been…busy lately, but you can always talk to me. If there’s anything bothering you. Nothing’s going to—to trigger me. I have support systems now to ensure it doesn’t come to that. You don’t have to bottle everything up, and if you want to tell me anything at all, you can,” Lottie reminded her.
In Shauna's head, there was a big red alarm going off. She knows she knows she knows. She knows it was her who stole the sharp kitchen knife, and it didn’t just go missing and then magically reappear when Nat realised it was gone. She knows the real reason why she can’t let herself regress. She knows if she lets herself regress after going so long without it, she’ll regress particularly young, and she’s always struggled with her coordination when small. She can’t get herself dressed, she can’t bathe herself, she can’t use the potty by herself. It’s just a matter of time before someone sees the fresh, lined cuts on her thighs. And she’d actually have to accept that she needs help.
Lottie couldn’t know…could she? Sometimes she wondered if a person who struggles with the same addiction can just know when someone else does. Van sometimes joked they could tell who was gay because they had an ‘amazing gaydar’. And the way Lottie was currently staring into her soul made her question if Lottie had that same power, but with self-harm.
“I-I’m fine. But…thanks,” Shauna hesitated.
Sitting there, just the two of them, away from all their responsibilities, Shauna wanted to tell her everything. She wanted to tell her it was getting bad again, that the nightmares were back, and how she constantly felt like she was losing her mind. She wanted to tell her that everyday for the past two weeks she’d stay up until everyone was asleep, sneak into the kitchen, and use a kitchen knife to draw lines into her thighs. She wanted to beg her to take this pain away. She wanted to be small. She desperately wanted to be little, while Lottie held her and told her everything was going to be okay.
Instead, she stood up. “I think I’m ready to head back.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she affirmed.
The walk back was slower, more relaxed. Shauna appreciated the company, it’d been so long since she’s spoken to someone one on one like that. She always gravitated towards Lottie when she was upset because she knows all the right things to do and say. She knows when she needs space and she knows when she’s ready to talk. The silence between the two of them was never uncomfortable.
When they got home, Shauna went straight up to her room and falls asleep until she’s woken up for dinner.
—
Shauna thought it would get better. She thought if she cleaned out her room, made an effort to exist in shared spaces, and ate three meals a day, she would feel better.
But she still felt as if her insides were rotting; her brain disintegrating into tiny little pieces. She was fuzzy all the time, and she was pretty sure everyone had noticed. She thought that by no longer having her little stuff, the feeling would go away, but it only seemed to make it worse. The box ended up in the basement, and Shauna had to fight with herself to not retrieve it.
She was plagued with nightmares every night, and there was nothing she could do to stop them. Her nightmares usually included someone she loved dying; first it’s her son, then it’s Jackie, then it’s Lottie, until she’s left all alone and no one can save her from her rotting body.
The only thing that helped was taking a knife to her thigh, but people were starting to get wary, and she was worried she wouldn’t be able to do it for much longer. Van had bought a lock for the cupboard, and the block of knives now lived in there. Shauna did know the code but it made so much noise, because the knives were right at the back, and Nat checked the position of the knives everyday to ensure Lottie hadn’t relapsed and hadn’t told anyone. She wanted her own razor, but every time she tried to go out, Lottie would go with her, and if Lottie was regressed, she’d beg her not to leave, which worked every time without fail.
So Shauna was stuck. She was drained to the point of exhaustion, and she didn’t even have any reason to be. She had to hide everything because she would rather suffer in silence than have anyone care worry about her. She didn’t deserve their worry. She had trouble controlling her anger recently, which caused her to be accidentally mean to her friends. She’d snapped at Melissa when she’d asked her to play, and she hadn’t spoken to her since. She’d argued with Tai when she’d asked her to help tidy the living room, and she was even short with Jackie who only wanted to spend time with her.
She didn’t know why she was so angry. She didn’t want to be. She hated the feeling of walking into a room and everyone moving away from her in fear of setting her off. It was best she just kept to herself, that way she won’t upset anybody. Lottie clearly hadn’t gotten the memo as she still checked on her every hour to ensure she was okay.
Shauna had been sitting in the same spot on her bed since breakfast, doing nothing but staring at a wall and thinking about the box in the basement. She wondered if Mr Bear was sad without her, and if her Care Bears had grown cold now they hadn’t had any hugs for so long. She missed her plushes so much that her heart ached just thinking about them. The floaty feeling that had started as a mere fuzziness behind her eyes had become overpowering and unmissable. Tears pricked her eyes uncontrollably. Everything was too much. She just wanted it all to stop.
A knock on her door caused her to flinch. She only just had enough time to wipe the single tear that had fallen before Lottie opened the door and invaded her space without even asking.
“Hi, Shauna. Just checking to see how you are,” Lottie greeted with a smile.
“I’m feeling the same way I was when you last checked on me,” Shauna grumbled.
Lottie nodded. “We’re making pizzas for dinner if you wanna come join. I think Jackie wants to make one with you.”
“Do I have to?” Shauna mumbled.
“You don’t have to do anything, but I think it’ll be fun. It won’t take too long.”
“Fine,” Shauna reluctantly left her safe bedroom to check out what the others were doing. She anxiously scratched the dorsal of her hand as she padded her way there.
She found all of the girls hovering around the dining table, wide smiles and grins apparent on their faces. There were bowls of miscellaneous pizza toppings in the middle, and then plates with pizza dough around the outside. Shauna hovered by the entrance, feeling like an outsider in her own home.
Jackie lit up when she saw her, ushering her over to her pizza dough.
“Shaw-na! ‘M so glad you’re here! Come make pizza wi me!” Jackie exclaimed excitedly.
“Okay, Jax, but there better not be any pineapple,” Shauna humoured.
“Only on my side,” Jackie bargained.
Shauna spread the tomato puree over the raw dough, as Jackie didn’t care about doing it herself. She was too busy planning what toppings she wanted. As Shauna did so, she couldn’t help but feel like a pariah. Melissa was whispering to Van while throwing glances her way, and Mari was outright death staring at her. The feeling that she didn’t belong bubbled up inside of her.
Lottie threw her a warm smile her way, which made her feel slightly better.
Like the other girls, Shauna and Jackie split the pizza in half so they could create their own sides. Shauna gets to work grabbing handfuls of random ingredients she likes, and throwing them on her side, not caring where they end up. It ends up looking like a sweetcorn and bell pepper explosion. Jackie, on the other hand, spends ages choosing the prettiest ingredients, and placing them down purposefully to create a pattern.
Shauna had started to feel sick and lightheaded while she stood there choosing the ingredients. She was certain she hid it pretty well, but she did place her hands firmly against the table to keep herself from swaying. The first thing she wondered when stars appeared in her vision wasn’t why is this happening?, or even how do I fix this? Instead she glanced around, anxiously thinking has anyone noticed?
She blinked the black stars away rapidly, temporarily causing them to disappear. The ever-growing headache and exhaustion didn’t leave with it.
Her surroundings were the same. Jackie was still chewing her lip in concentration as she continued to switch her pizza toppings around. Lottie was still asking Nat if she wanted a certain ingredient. Mari was still bickering with Akilah and Gen about who’s going to have the best pizza. Van and Mel were still creating a smiley face on their pizza. Misty was still trying to convince Laura Lee that pineapple belonged on pizza. And Tai continued to warn the overexcited girls that there would be no pizza if they knocked everything off the table.
Nat screamed with excitement as the bowl of sweetcorn ended up upside down, before turning into a fitful of giggles. Shauna violently flinched.
Too loud. Too much. Shauna doesn’t belong here.
“Okay, I think that’s enough. Let’s get these pizzas into the oven,” Tai ordered lightly.
One by one, the pizzas moved from the table to the oven. When Tai asked for Jackie and Shauna’s, Jackie whined.
“I need to add more red peppers! It’s too yellow right now.”
“It will all taste the same,” Tai reassured softly.
“Yeah but it doesn’t look good,” Jackie frowned.
“It’ll end up in your stomach either way. The quicker it goes in the other the quicker you can eat it.”
“But it needs to look perfect!”
“Oh my god Jackie just put it in the oven,” Shauna snapped, regretting it immediately. She didn’t mean for her tone to be so sharp, she just wanted to get out of there.
The room went silent, Tai giving her a sharp look as a warning.
Tears welled up in Jackie’s eyes. “S–sorry.”
She let Tai take the pizza, all previous excitement drained from her body.
“I’m really sorry, Jax, I didn’t mean it like that. I really do like what you did with the pizza,” Shauna corrected herself.
Jackie continued to look down at her feet, shoulders up to her ears. Guilt weighed heavily in her stomach, like a giant rock had placed itself there. She wanted to punish herself for making the girl so upset. Jackie had once told her that she felt scared a lot of the time when she was regressed, but she never felt scared around Shauna. Shauna was her safe person; her caregiver. Shauna had promised both her and herself that she’d never do anything to purposefully hurt her. And she stuck with her promise. Until now.
The urge to steal a knife and drag it through her skin was so apparent she could practically see the knife behind her eyes.
“Classic Shauna. Can never let anyone be happy,” Mari scoffed from across the table.
“What?” Shauna asked, breaking her focus on Jackie.
“Just saying you never think about anyone except yourself. You don’t care ‘bout how anyone else feels, just say whatever you want ‘nd get away with it ‘cause everyone’s scared of you,” Mari argued.
“Scared of me? Nobody’s…”
Shauna glanced around at the girls that were still around the table, the majority having gone to the kitchen to watch their pizzas cook. She saw fear in all of their faces, in Jackie’s, Nat’s, Laura Lee’s and Akilah's.
“‘M not scawy. Nd I do fink ‘bout other people,” Shauna sniffed. It came out as a mere whisper as words started to escape her once again. She shrunk into herself, while Mari stood taller.
“Well nobody thinks that. It’s clear that you think you're better than everybody here. You act like you’re not traumatised and you’re fine not going to therapy, ignoring that literally everyone around here is still struggling. Which is normal, by the way, after going through an extremely traumatising event. But no, Shauna Shipman doesn’t struggle, ‘cause she’s so above everyone,” Mari mocked, cutting deep into Shauna’s mask. Her sharp eyes pierced into her.
“But…No…I...”
Shauna desperately looked to the other’s, but no one came to her defence. Lottie was in the kitchen and so was Tai, and Jackie looked as if she was on another planet, hovering in the doorway that blocked anyone from entering or exiting the kitchen.
Her knees buckled, her body slamming to the floor. Her vision blurred as tears that had been buried deep inside her filled her eyes. She felt as if she was falling, like the ground had given out from underneath her, and no one was coming to save her. Is this what Jackie felt like when she almost died? Cold, dark and alone.
She gripped the table leg, urgently wanting some stability. Something that gave the sense that she wasn’t alone.
She was alone, but she deserved that. She was bad. Everything felt so out of reach, so confusing and unclear, but she knew that one thing was certain. She was a bad person. A bad, selfish person who deserved to be lonely forever.
The first sob escaped her like an earthquake, pressure bubbling up inside her before boiling over, up to the surface, causing nothing but destruction. She brought her knees up, before burying her face into them, hoping to block herself out from her surroundings. She didn’t belong there. She didn’t belong anywhere.
Since she had let the tears fall, there was no stopping them now. The cork had been released, causing everything that had been bottled up inside the glass to escape. More and more tears fell, and her sobs got louder. Until her wails sounded like a desperate attempt to let out the anger that was trapped inside. She rocked back and forth, scratching at her bare legs under her baggy jeans to try to replicate the feeling she was searching for.
She was somewhere very far away. Somewhere soft. Somewhere safe.
She wondered if maybe it was Care-a-Lot, or some place similar. It felt as if she was floating on a cloud above Earth, so maybe it was.
She didn’t know how long she was sitting on the floor for, rocking back and forth, letting her emotions escape. She wasn’t in her body, but rather above it.
Her trance broke when something heavy was placed upon her head, over her ears. She jumped, suddenly, briefly stopping her scratching to feel what it was. Her hands gripped the thick plastic that was covering her ears. They felt like her noise-cancelling headphones, but that wasn’t possible. They were still in the box in the basement.
She slowly lifted her head up, meeting Lottie’s gentle, kind amber eyes. She smiled at her, despite the fact that Shauna probably looked like a mess.
The third thing she registered was the feeling of dampness around where she sat, that wasn’t there when she first sat down. Her hands made its way down from her head to in between her jeans, realising the wetness had come from her.
Something must’ve shown on her face, because Lottie immediately assured “sh, shh, it’s okay. Everything's okay. It’s just an accident. Accidents can be cleaned up.”
Bad Shauna.
Lottie passed over Shauna’s notepad, the one she always uses when she struggles to talk. Her shaky fingers picked up the pen.
‘Mad?’
“No, sweetheart, I’m not mad. Nobody’s mad at you, we’re just worried. How are you feeling now?”
‘Tired’.
“Mhm, I bet. Is it alright if I touch you?” Lottie asked softly.
Shauna nodded, allowing her to run her thumb over her tear-stained cheeks, wiping the wetness away like it was never there to begin with. She felt better already, as if the meltdown had never happened. Lottie just had that power. She glanced around the room, being met with darkness, save for the light coming in from the kitchen. Mari was gone, and so was everyone else. Her cheeks suddenly tinged pink as she realised everyone had to witness that.
“Are you alright enough to get off the floor?” Lottie asked, concerned.
Shauna nodded, feeling extremely uncomfortable in her sodden jeans that stuck against her. Lottie helped her up, guiding her through every movement. The moment she stood the room began to sway again, and if it wasn’t for Lottie being there, she would’ve fell back down.
‘Dizzy’, she wrote in almost illegible handwriting. Lottie still managed to read it.
“You haven’t eaten much today, neither have you drank much. You haven’t really eaten or drank much this whole week.”
Shauna frowned.
“That’s okay, once we’ve gotten you cleaned up, you can have whatever you want to munch on, which will hopefully stop the dizziness. And I’ll get you an orange juice if you want,” Lottie offered, knowing Shauna loved orange juice.
Shauna had stopped listening after ‘cleaned up’. She was in no state to clean herself up, and she definitely wouldn’t be able to convince Lottie to let her do it herself with no help. Which meant her worst fears were coming true. She was going to see her thighs. She was going to see the cuts.
She became more panicked the closer they got to her room. She searched her brain to try and come up with an excuse. Paper cut? Of course not. Playing outside? She hasn’t done that in ages. A cat? They don’t even have a cat.
“Just sit there, I’m gonna find you something comfy. Are you up for a bath?”
Normally Shauna loved baths. She loved playing with the bubbles, and playing with the duck toys. She loved Lottie sitting just outside it, her whole focus on her.
Shauna shook her head, hard.
“That's okay. What about some wipes? Are you okay if I clean you using a wipe?”
Shauna shook her head again.
“It's important that I clean you with something, or else your skin can become irritated and inflamed. Can you think of anything else?” Lottie asked patiently.
“Do it…myself.”
Lottie's eyes softened.
“It's okay to have some help sometimes. Everyone needs help. Why don't you want my help?”
Lottie was looking at her like she just knew. A fresh set of tears appeared in her eyes. Shauna was too tired to do this anymore. She couldn't carry this all by herself. She physically can't clean herself up, if Lottie leaves her, Shauna would just continue sitting at the edge of her bed for the rest of the night, in damp jeans while enduring a painful stomach ache. She couldn't do it.
Shauna waved her hand in a motion that told her she could do it.
“Does that mean I can use the wipes?” she asked, ever so gently.
Shauna nodded. She watched her get her favourite fluffy pyjamas out, the ones with Winnie The Pooh on it. Lottie left the room for a split second and returned with the wipes and a few other stuff Shauna didn't pay much attention to, focusing fully on Lottie.
“I’ve brought Mr Bear and your pacy if you want them.”
She set the objects down next to her in arms reach, casually, so it doesn’t seem like she’s expecting anything. Shauna takes Mr Bear into her arms, and kisses him on the head.
“Sowwy Bear, I missed yu,” Shauna frowned at the bear.
“I’m sure he missed you too,” Lottie replied softly.
Shauna then took the pacifier and cautiously put it in her mouth. It had been so long she’d forgotten what it felt like. Once she looked settled, Lottie explained, “I’m going to help change your top first, and then we’ll change your pants.”
Shauna raised her arms, letting Lottie pull her baggy tee over her head, and replace it with the fluffy one.
“Good job, sweetheart. Can you lay down for me now?”
Shauna, riding the high of the compliment, did what she asked, despite the awful anxious feeling in her stomach that things were never going to be the same again. Shauna hated change, always had, always will. She wanted things to stay the same forever, despite how bad things were right now. Change terrified her.
Lottie pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, just like Shauna had done with Mr Bear. “I’m going to take off your pants now. You can stop me at any time.”
Shauna pinched her eyes shut when Lottie’s hands carefully started to pull her baggy jeans down. It didn’t take long for her whole legs to feel the cool air from being exposed. The first thing she felt was soft hands running down her sore lower leg, touching all the places she had scratched.
When Lottie was satisfied that the scratching hadn’t caused any open cuts, her eyes darted over to her thighs.
Shauna could feel the moment Lottie saw them, the atmosphere in the air changing. She delicately brushed a finger over every indent. Over the silvery white scars that were completely healed, and the thin red lines made from desperate scratches. She was extra gentle touching the deep, jagged, thick lines that had only just started to heal. She hoped it didn’t look as if they had been done yesterday. If anyone could figure it out, it would be Lottie. The silence was deafening as the cold wipes cleaned in between her thighs. Shauna’s eyes squeezed, urgently wanting it to be over.
Before she could feel any shame about the whole situation, warmth spread through her legs, her fluffy pyjama bottoms now on.
“There you go. Nice and clean and cosy,” Shauna could practically hear Lottie’s smile through her words.
Shauna opened her eyes to examine Lottie’s facial expression, trying to see if it was any different than before. But her eyes still looked as soft as ever. She moved to sit cross-legged next to where Shauna was still lying on her back, sucking her pacy in a repetitive motion. She watched Lottie’s eyebrows twitch in concentration.
“You know, when I started self-harming, nobody knew for a year,” she started.
Shauna sat up, taking out her pacy.
“And even then it was an accident. I was drunk with Nat at my house after a party. We both thought it’d be a great idea to go for a swim at 3am. We stripped to nothing but our bras and underwear and got into my stupidly big pool. It was too cold, and we went back inside immediately, which is when she saw the cuts,” Lottie admitted.
“I didn’t know that.”
Lottie nodded. “It’s not a pretty story. We had a massive argument, I blew up at her and said things I didn’t mean. She left, and then I went crazy using my Dad’s razor blade on my wrists. I couldn’t wear long sleeves for months afterwards.”
“Oh.”
Shauna couldn’t imagine Lottie like that, especially before the wilderness. She always seemed so calm and collected at practice. During the wilderness, she realised it was a complete lie, and no lies could stay hidden out there. The girls knew each other in ways that nobody could ever understand, and Shauna wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.
“Talking to someone, especially about something like that, is so so hard. I would rather spend another month in the wilderness than go through that again. But…I also realise just how necessary that was for my recovery. Trying to heal, from anything, is impossible by yourself. You need people. People that will pick you up on your bad days, and will celebrate how far you’ve come. It’s not easy, but healing is possible, with the right people by your side,” Lottie assured.
Shauna chewed at her lip, playing with her hands in front of her.
“What if the person doesn’t deserve people helping them?”
“Everyone deserves help, no matter what they’ve done when they’re struggling. Why do you ask that?”
“‘M bad. Mari says I’m selfish ‘nd all I do is hurt people. I should be punished,” Shauna frowned.
“Mari feels really bad about what she said. She wants to apologise. You’re not a bad person, Shauna, you’re just struggling right now. People do things they regret when they’re hurt. And I think you’ve punished yourself enough,” Lottie replied carefully.
“I–I’m just really tired,” Shauna admitted, quickly wiping a tear that had fallen away.
“I know, sweetheart. How about this, I go downstairs and grab some gauze pads that I can put on some of the deeper wounds, and while I’m there, I’ll make you a snack plate and grab you some juice. And once you’re all ready, you can go to sleep, with your Care Bears and Mr Bear.”
Shauna nodded eagerly, “miss de bears.”
“Will you be alright here by yourself?”
“Be okay, Mama,” she confirmed.
Lottie’s heart melted. Shauna rarely called anyone anything but their names, including Jackie, who was always ‘Jax’. She had never called Lottie ‘Mama’, and she thought she never would. Lottie kissed her scalp.
She left the room after one last reassuring glance. She was coming back, and for the first time, Shauna truly believed it.
—
Despite what Shauna thought, Lottie cared a lot about her, and so did the others. The sun had long set when Lottie made her way into the living room, where the remaining girls were up watching a movie. A lot of the littles had already gone to bed, leaving just Tai with Nat and Van, who always struggled to fall asleep. Lottie gave a head motion to Tai when she glanced up, letting her know she wanted to speak with her. Tai followed her into the kitchen.
“Is Shauna okay?” Tai immediately asked, everyone in the house wondering the same thing.
“She will be,” Lottie answered, pulling out the first aid kit.
“What’s that for? Is she hurt?”
Tai’s eyebrows pinched with worry. Lottie pressed a soft hand to her arm and squeezed as a means of comfort.
“You’ve noticed she’s been struggling lately?”
“Of course. Barely coming out of her room, snapping at everyone, refusing to regress. I tried to get her to talk to me but I think I only made it worse,” Tai sighed.
“Not your fault,” Lottie reminded, “it’s something way bigger than us. She needs to talk to a professional.”
“Yeah. I know,” Tai echoed.
Lottie pulled out Shauna’s favourite Care Bear plate, as well as the butter and crackers. It makes a scratching sound when Lottie scrapes the butter onto the crackers.
“I’m going to tell you something, but I don’t want you to tell anyone else. You know how quickly things spread, people like to gossip. And I don’t think she wants many other people knowing.”
“Alright, I promise I won’t tell anyone,” Tai assured, leaning against the counter.
“Shauna’s been self-harming.”
Tai’s eyes widened. The room is silent when Lottie puts the butter and crackers back, pulling out the grapes and strawberries instead.
“On her thighs. Pretty sure that’s where the kitchen knife went for the few days it was missing.”
“Fuck,” Tai cursed under her breath, still trying to process the new information in. “Did you know beforehand?”
“I had my suspicions. She’s not been doing well, and I saw similar signs to myself. We did manage to talk about it, and I think she’ll accept help now. But I think she’s still upset about what Mari said,” Lottie replied.
“She’s going to apologise tomorrow, I helped her make an apology drawing. She was really upset about it,” Tai added.
“I know, so hopefully she won’t take what Mari said to heart.”
Lottie had finished cutting up the fruit, putting them back in the fridge. She took out the half eaten packet of magic stars, Shauna’s favourite chocolate, and sprinkled it onto the plate.
“Do you think she’ll stop?” Tai asked.
“I think she can. She has a lot to give. And as long as she’s not alone in this, I think she can get into a better place.”
Lottie takes out a carton of orange juice.
“I’m gonna go give this to her now, and patch up her thighs. I probably won’t be back,” Lottie stated.
“If you need me for anything, I’ll be here. Have a good night, Lot.”
“You too,” she smiled.
When Lottie returned, Care Bear plushies under her arms, Shauna was curled up with Mr Bear with her eyes closed.
“Hi, Little One,” Lottie cooed, making her presence known. Shauna shot up, grinning at the sight of her.
“I’ve brought gifts.”
She placed the Care Bears next to her on one side, and then the plate on the other.
“Magi star!” Shauna gasped.
“That’s right, but you can have them after you’ve eaten your crackers.”
Shauna starts nibbling on one of the crackers.
“Do you mind if I quickly patch your thighs up? I promise I’ll be super quick,” Lottie assured.
Shauna reluctantly nodded, holding Mr Bear tighter.
Lottie kept her promise, sliding down her pyjama bottoms and quickly opening the gauze pads, putting them on the most recent cuts.
“There you are, all done.”
Lottie helped her back into her bottoms without interrupting her eating too much.
“How about I read you a story, hm? Would you like that?”
Shauna nodded eagerly. Lottie was currently in the middle of reading her The Magic Faraway Tree, which was one of Shauna’s favourites growing up. She grabbed the book, and turned off the big light, replacing it with the glow from the two lamps either side of Shauna’s bed.
“Do the voices!” Shauna exclaimed.
“I’ll make sure to do them,” Lottie smiled.
Lottie opened the page where they last left off. She put on a deep, throaty voice, before saying, “What a strange noise the leaves of the tree make, he said. It’s as if they were talking to one another—telling secrets.”
Shauna giggled at the silly voice she always did when the characters spoke.
Lottie continued to read the story until Shauna had finished eating. They paused it so Shauna could brush her teeth and use the bathroom before bed. When the both of them had gotten settled side by side underneath the covers, Lottie said “I was thinking that tomorrow we could go through the box of your things and put some of it back where it belongs. Would you like that?”
Shauna nodded, and then made Mr Bear nod as well. Lottie beamed at her, satisfied at the progress. If she would’ve asked her that this morning she would’ve immediately shut her down.
Lottie continued reading the book until Shauna’s breathing evened out and her pacy fell from her mouth. She could’ve gotten up to sleep in her own bed, but she didn’t want to leave her alone in case she had a nightmare, and she was pretty sure this was the first time she’d fallen asleep before midnight in a long time. So, Lottie laid there, staring at the peaceful girl until sleep took her, their breathing becoming in sync.