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If Myungjun had to choose one thing he hated about being a trainee, it was probably the lack of sleep.
Sure, the diets were rough (he realized just how much he took pizza for granted, and it killed him inside whenever he so much as heard the word 'pizza' spoken), and learning how to dance made his legs and arms and back sore, and he didn't even have friends outside of Fantagio trainees because of his busy schedule – but none of that compared to how much he longed to sleep for more than four or five hours a night.
He knew some of the trainees had been working like this for years before Myungjun himself came in, and he wondered how they weren't dead yet.
The dorm he shared with four or five other boys was always full of movement. They trained at different times, and Myungjun had the great pleasure of rooming with someone who seemed to be utterly obsessed with studying for school exams.
Myungjun wondered if he should be that studious, but when he had to cover his head with his pillow because someone's 4 AM alarm was going off, he decided he would never stay up until after two just to study for school. Besides, while the manager certainly encouraged good grades, he already made it clear that they wouldn't be kicked out just for slacking off once or twice.
(Myungjun slacked off more than once or twice, but he kept that a secret.)
Myungjun had worked out his sleep schedule to ensure he would be getting at least four hours of sleep a night, but that was absolutely impossible. He didn't take into account that his tight living space would have boys tripping over him throughout the night as they went off to do other tasks – school, homework, the gym – and thus completely ruined what should have been a good night's rest after an exhausting day of training.
And Myungjun wanted one day – just one day! – of his sleep going uninterrupted. That wasn't going to happen at his dorm, it seemed, so when other trainees were heading back to their dorms to get some sleep, Myungjun instead set up a blanket in the locker room. From his experience, it was usually empty for most of the night, and even if another trainee did come in, hopefully they would do so quietly.
But Myungjun didn't take into account the fact that of course the trainees that did come in would turn on those bright lights and force him from his slumber.
He groaned and pulled the blanket up over his head, but a voice was already apologizing: “Oh, man, I'm sorry. Didn't realize anyone was in here.”
He couldn't really find it in himself to be too upset. He had known what he was getting into when he signed his contract, and his lack of sleep certainly wasn't the fault of any of the trainees – they didn't get sleep, either, and he knew he woke some of them up when he was moving about in the early hours of the morning.
So Myungjun peeked out sleepily from under his blanket, eyes taking a few seconds to adjust to the bright light. Still, the world was blurry and he gave a loud sigh as he reached over to push his glasses up on his face. “It's fine,” he mumbled, voice rugged from being woken up so suddenly. He yawned behind his mask. “Just thought I might get more sleep in here than back at the dorms.”
His eyes finally adjusted on the person near him. Jinwoo, wasn't it? Park Jinwoo. Myungjun had worked with him a bit, but they were vastly different in terms of skill. Everyone knew Jinwoo was an amazing dancer, up there in the rankings with that Minhyuk kid and child actor Moon Bin. He could also rap, from what Myungjun had heard, and Myungjun was only slightly envious of how versatile Jinwoo seemed to be.
But only slightly. He knew he was a pretty damn good singer, and he was getting better at other talents, too, so there wasn't too much reason to be jealous just yet.
Jinwoo smiled lightly at him before moving over to the lockers. Myungjun's eyes followed. “What time is it, anyway?” he asked.
Jinwoo grabbed some shoes from his locker. “About three. Why?”
“Just wondering.” Myungjun rested his head back down on the pillow and ran his fingers through his hair. They had dyed it and he actually liked how he looked with a rich, chestnut brown color to his hair, but Jinwoo's hair was still black. He bet Jinwoo didn't have to use the weird shampoos Myungjun had to use. There was another reason to envy him. His hair routine must be so simple. “Why aren't you sleeping?”
“Can't sleep,” came Jinwoo's response as he took a few more items from his locker. “I got fussed at today.”
“Hm.” Myungjun was exhausted, and he probably shouldn't have even cared about some guy he only spoke to on occasion, but Jinwoo's smile had disappeared and was replaced with furrowed eyebrows and a frown. Myungjun knew that style of frown very well, too. He had gotten yelled at once for continuously making mistakes during practice and he wore a similar self-loathing frown for the rest of the day.
He didn't like seeing that frown on Jinwoo. Jinwoo was talented and Myungjun wished he would just smile more and recognize it.
Jinwoo sighed, and Myungjun could hear the absolute exhaustion laced in on that one sigh. He wondered just how stressed Jinwoo must have been to be up at such an early hour in order to fit some more practice in. “I don't think you'll accomplish too much at this hour,” he commented quietly, voice muffled slightly behind his mask. Jinwoo glanced over at him, and Myungjun continued. “Everyone gets yelled at. I saw Minhyuk – that's his name, right? - get yelled at once. I mean, I know I haven't been here as long as any of you guys, but it's just part of being a trainee, I guess.”
“I didn't come here to be yelled at.”
“Neither did I, but I've gotten yelled at before.”
“You?” Jinwoo looked surprised. Myungjun wasn't sure why, and the confusion must have shown on his face because Jinwoo struggled to explain himself. “I mean, you have the best singing voice out of all of us, I think, and you pick things up really quickly.”
Myungjun was smiling behind the mask, and he shrugged his shoulders. “Thanks, but just because I'm talented in some spots doesn't make me talented in all spots. I think last time I got yelled at was because I was laughing at some of the choreography we had to work on.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
Myungjun scoffed and narrowed his eyes. “Watch it, Jinwoo. I'm older than you.” He was older than everyone, and while he felt very much self-conscious of that fact quite often, he still liked to use it against the other trainees when they started acting too familiar. Especially when Jinwoo, who was skilled in most everything, acted too familiar.
Not to say that Myungjun didn't like the familiarity. He just hadn't known Jinwoo for long enough to consider him a friend.
Jinwoo was smiling once more though. He shut his locker and sat down to pull on his shoes. “Sorry, then, Hyung. Wasn't thinking there. It's too early.”
“It is.” Myungjun watched him for a few seconds, then straightened his blanket out. “You can sleep with me.”
That brought about laughter, and Jinwoo tied his sneakers. “Um, no thank you. I really have to get this dance down. You sleep, though. You look like you need it.”
“That sounds like an insult.” But Myungjun couldn't really care at the moment. He took his glasses off and rested them nearby his bed before flopping back over and pulling the blanket up around him. “If you're still here around six, do me a favor and wake me up, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Jinwoo moved to the end of the room and put his hand over the light switch. “I'm turning this off, okay? I'll keep the music down as low as I can.”
“You're considerate,” Myungjun mumbled, and he closed his eyes as the darkness took over.
Sleep didn't come, though; despite how low Jinwoo kept the music, Myungjun still heard it. But when Jinwoo was sneaking back into the locker room around six to wake him, Myungjun pretended like he had been asleep the entire time anyway.
When he was chosen to be a part of the new boy idol group and moved into a different dorm, he actually found himself getting an extra hour of sleep each night. His dorm wasn't full of boys who were training and studying at different times; instead, they would now all train and work together, which meant, in turn, that their sleeping schedule matched up.
He rather liked that, but it unfortunately allowed him to focus on other parts of being an idol that he didn't necessarily enjoy.
Currently, he decided he hated the diet most of all.
And it wasn't fair that he was on a stricter diet than the other boys. They didn't mention it, and they only ate as much as he would when they all ate together, but he knew that they were still eating other foods outside of the dorm or training together. Especially the boys who were still in high school (which was basically all of them, minus himself and Jinwoo).
But his manager had noticed that he had gained weight and told him that it wouldn't be good for his image. He didn't threaten to kick Myungjun out, but Myungjun got the sense that he probably wouldn't be in any of the music videos or variety shows as much as the others if he didn't lose the extra fat he had managed to gain back after slacking on his exercising.
It wasn't fair, though, because he was already the smallest out of the other boys in his group. He weighed less than they did, but because of his physique, the weight gain was more noticeable.
He couldn't remember ever hating his body, but god, he really hated his body.
His diet ensured that he wouldn't be able to eat anything after five. However, dinner was usually eaten later in the day after an extremely small lunch and an even smaller breakfast. Myungjun usually found his stomach rumbling by four, but they would train until after eleven.
He didn't eat dinner much at all for days.
Minhyuk could have done this. Dongmin, definitely, would have done this. Any of the other boys would probably be steadfast in their determination to lose weight, but as Myungjun lay awake in the early hours of the morning, all he could think about was the leftover bokumbap that was still in the fridge, packed and ready for the boys to take to lunch tomorrow.
He wondered if anyone would notice if he took a few spoonfuls of it tonight.
A quick scan around the room assured him that everyone was asleep. He put his glasses on, laid his mask aside, and stepped past the bodies scattered across the ground. A few boxes nearly made him trip on his way to the kitchen, but he considered himself stealthy enough that he stumbled around them instead.
The kimchi fried rice was one of the few things in their small fridge, and Myungjun eagerly took it, opening the plastic container and digging in. His stomach was still grumbling as he stuffed spoonful after spoonful in his mouth.
He would have eaten the entire container had the light to the kitchen suddenly not turned on.
Myungjun froze and stared at the intruder – Jinwoo.
Of course he had to get caught by the new leader of their group. Jinwoo was likely itching for a chance to prove himself a responsible choice, too, and here was the perfect opportunity. Myungjun really screwed this up for himself.
“Hello,” was Myungjun's greeting as he swallowed what was in his mouth. He slowly began to put the lid back on the container, wincing when he saw just how much he had actually eaten.
So much for a few spoonfuls. Half of the leftovers were gone. He wasn't sure how he could explain this one to the other boys and especially to his manager.
“I think we're supposed to be on a diet,” Jinwoo mumbled, voice laced with sleep. He ran his fingers through his newly-dyed hair. Myungjun liked the color choice, but his envy of Jinwoo's hair had disappeared the moment he saw it. His brown hair was difficult enough to take care of, so he was certain that Jinwoo was having a rough time with bleach and shampoos and what have you.
“You guys are, yeah.”
“Pretty sure you are, too. And from what the manager told me, you're supposed to be on a stricter diet than the rest of us.”
Jinwoo wasn't looking at him, which was probably a good thing because Myungjun's face was flushed as he shoved the bokumbap back in the fridge. “Sure I am, but I haven't eaten dinner in the past three days, and all I've had today was a few vegetables this morning.”
“I thought you wanted this.”
Myungjun was hungry and tired and irritated. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he snapped. “You think I don't want this? I weigh less than you do, but you're allowed to eat way more than I can.” He grit his teeth down – he couldn't lose his temper like this, not to Jinwoo. Jinwoo was supposed to report everything back to their manager. He couldn't allow himself to get like this. “I want to be a singer, but it's really difficult when I feel like I'm going to collapse all the time.”
Jinwoo still wasn't looking at him and Myungjun sighed, resting his head on the fridge for a few seconds. “Please ignore this,” he mumbled. “Please. I won't do it again. I just...I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about food.”
“Well, I don't know how we can explain the lack of leftovers for lunch.”
That was a good point, and Myungjun struggled to come up with something. “I woke up early, went to get breakfast, and knocked half of it over?”
Jinwoo finally looked up at him and gave a sort of half-shrug with his shoulders. “That'll work.”
But he looked as if he had more to say, so Myungjun picked his head up from the fridge and stared at him, waiting to be chewed out for not following along with his diet.
“I don't want to boss you around, seriously, but, um...I just need to make sure we're all following along with our diets and training. We're going to debut soon, and...I want to be friends, but-”
“I get it.” Myungjun waved his hand, trying to dispel some of the awkwardness that was coming about now that he knew Jinwoo wasn't out to get him. “You're the new leader. Responsibility and all of that.”
“Not only that. It's...I'm sorry.”
Myungjun blinked. “For...?”
“I didn't expect to get the leader position,” Jinwoo admitted, looking a tad bit nervous. “So I didn't really prepare myself for how to deal with...with, um, giving orders to someone who's...”
It didn't take Myungjun too long to realize what Jinwoo was trying to say. “Someone who's older?” The leader nodded in confirmation, and Myungjun gave a small snort. “I vouched for your leadership abilities. I told the manager it sure as hell better not be me. I mean, I know I'm older than all of you, but picture me trying to lead. Seriously, picture it.”
He felt satisfied when Jinwoo gave a small grin.
“Don't sweat it, Jinwoo. I know you're the leader, and I'm going to listen to you. I'm pretty good with following orders.”
Jinwoo raised his eyebrows and pointed at the fridge. Myungjun instantly knew what he was trying to say. “I mean, most of the time, I'm pretty good with following orders. I just had a hiccup today.”
“Are you going to have any more hiccups?”
Myungjun scowled, though made sure not to direct it to Jinwoo. “No,” he mumbled. “I still don't think it's fair, though.”
“It isn't.” Jinwoo was nodding in agreement, which actually perked Myungjun up. “But it's not for that long. It's only a few pounds you have to keep off for a bit, and then you can join the rest of us with our own diets.”
“Eating all of that rice might have set me back a bit.” Myungjun groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. “But I was just hungry.”
“I think it's fine, since you said you haven't eaten dinner.” Jinwoo smiled again and stepped forward to pat Myungjun's shoulder. It was awkward, but Myungjun didn't mind too much. They were all still learning how to act around each other. “Let's go to bed now, though. I'll explain your little mishap with knocking the food over in the morning.”
Myungjun couldn't help but return the smile as they trudged back to their room to get another hour or two of sleep. “See, I knew I vouched for the right guy to be leader.”
Jinwoo's smile stretched even wider, and Myungjun found it contagious.
He couldn't get the footwork down.
They were preparing for their debut and all Myungjun could do was ruin it. He wasn't fast enough on his feet to keep up with the rest of them, despite how hard he was working for it. He slipped at least three times, and Sanha had to catch him from falling another of the times. It was embarrassing, really, for him to be the oldest and to have the younger members struggling to help him with his dance moves.
He was incredibly ashamed when Dongmin was able to pick up on the moves quicker than he was.
It didn't make sense to him. He was usually at least okay with dancing. He was never the worst out of the group, in any case. But for some reason, he couldn't grasp the understanding he needed to perform this move.
Minhyuk had sighed loudly, looking exasperated, after Myungjun had fallen behind again. Bin had shot Jinwoo a look, which made Jinwoo announce, “How about we take ten minutes? Rest up, get some water, and we'll nail it when we come back.”
Sanha gave Myungjun's back a small pat and smiled widely, braces showing and reminding Myungjun of the age difference between the two of them.
Sanha was basically a child, and yet here he was trying to cheer Myungjun up.
“Hyung, want me to go grab you some water?”
Myungjun grinned, but he didn't really feel like smiling. “Nah, I need to use the bathroom! I'll meet up with you back in the practice room, okay?”
Sanha agreed, and Myungjun hurried to leave, ignoring Bin's concerned gaze. He headed toward the closest bathroom, hopeful that none of the other members would follow after him.
Once in the bathroom, he checked all of the stalls to ensure he was alone, and then he finally slouched down, dropping his cheerful persona and staring at himself in the mirror.
God, he looked terrible. His hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat, clumped together in small, wet mats. He had circles under his eyes and he had never actually seen himself look so sad.
And were those tears falling down his cheeks? No, he didn't cry from stuff like this. He didn't cry just because he couldn't get a dance move. He was the happy virus of the group, after all. He wasn't going to cry and feel sorry for himself.
But he really found it difficult to stop any of the tears. He turned on the sink, mostly to hide his sobs from anyone who might be walking around outside, then splashed some of the water on his face. It was cold and made him flinch, but he continued with his task in an effort to clear up his stupid crying.
When he looked back up at the mirror, water dripping from his face, he noticed a new reflection behind him.
“You scared me!” he yelped, spinning around to stare at Jinwoo with wide eyes. He had never seen Jinwoo look so worried before.
He wondered if Jinwoo was worried about the fact that one of his members was making disgusting sobs in a public restroom. That was just Myungjun's own wild guess, however.
“Myung- I mean, MJ-hyung, are you alright?”
Right. They had new names. Myungjun didn't know when he would ever get used to being called MJ. It was cute, and he really liked having a nickname, but it just was so different from Myungjun.
“I'm fine,” he responded, pretending like he wasn't just sobbing into the bathroom sink. “How much time do I have left?”
“Six minutes.”
He thought he had cried for much longer. At least he had enough time to clean his face off before heading back into the practice room.
There was still the issue that Jinwoo had caught him crying, though, and this was going to be difficult to clear up.
“You heading back?” Myungjun asked, turning around again to face the sink. He splashed more water on his face.
“Not until you're ready to head back.” Jinwoo stepped a bit closer. “None of us are angry, you know.”
“Minhyuk is.”
“No, he's not.”
“He sighed pretty damn loud for someone who isn't angry.”
“Minhyuk's stressed, he's not angry. There's a difference.” Jinwoo crossed his arms over his chest. “Besides, who gives a shit what Minhyuk thinks? He's not your leader, is he?”
Myungjun closed his eyes. He didn't want Jinwoo to cheer him up right now. He wanted Jinwoo to let him wallow in self-pity for once. “He's a great dancer. He knows everything about dance. He knows I suck.”
“I'm the one who studied dance,” Jinwoo pointed out. “And you don't suck. It's just an off-day. Everyone has off days. Minhyuk missed his spin twice the other day.”
Myungjun remembered that, and Myungjun remembered how awkward it was for Minhyuk to try and laugh it off when everyone could see just how frustrated the poor guy was.
“I don't know why – Dongmin, no, Eunwoo got it before I did.”
“So? He's improving. I think it's great.”
“And I'm falling behind.”
“You're not – Hyung, just look up at me. You're not falling behind. I think you're doing a great job.” Jinwoo was grabbing paper towels and wetting them. “Here, look this way.” Myungjun did as he asked, mostly because trying to clean himself up was a little tiring for his sore arms at the moment. He'd be babied for once. Jinwoo seemed pleased to take on the leadership roles, anyway, and Myungjun had to admit that it did feel nice to allow someone else to take care of him. The damp paper towel ran gently over his cheeks, scrubbing off any tear stains that Jinwoo caught sight of. “We still have time, and I know you can do it. You did similar moves yesterday.”
Myungjun couldn't help but sniff loudly as he worked on stopping his tears. “I feel like shit.”
“You look like it, too.”
“Hey. You look worse than I do.”
Jinwoo didn't, though, especially not with that small smile resting on his lips. “Bin's worried about you, though. Sanha is, too. Sanha was the one who wanted to come check on you.”
“Thank god you didn't let him. He'd have a freak-out if he saw me crying. I don't even think he can take care of himself, let alone take care of me.”
Jinwoo laughed, short but melodic, and that might have helped Myungjun's tears ever-so-slightly. “He'll learn one day! I think I'm babying him too much, though.”
“You're babying me too much. I'm never going to act my age with you around.”
Jinwoo shrugged and continued his cleaning efforts. “As long as you're happy.”
He had never met anyone as selfless as Park Jinwoo. His eyes started to tear up again. “Dammit, Jinjin,” he cursed, moving away to rub at them. “Why'd you have to go and say sappy stuff like that?”
Jinwoo laughed again, then mussed with Myungjun's hair. “Hey, happy virus. Look up.”
“My contacts are bugging me.”
“Sure. Look up, Myungjun-hyung.” Myungjun did so, trying to stop his lower lip from quivering so much. Once Jinwoo realized that Myungjun's attention was focused solely on him, he continued. “I think you beat yourself up more than anyone sometimes. It's okay that you're sad and upset. You're not a robot. You're not just a smile engine. It's a nickname, Myungjun. It's just something we call you because you're probably the most optimistic out of us, and you have more lame jokes than anyone I've ever met before.” Jinwoo offered Myungjun a smile. “But you're human. And all humans need a good cry every so often. It's okay. No one's going to judge you for it.”
Myungjun had never met anyone has kind as Park Jinwoo.
“Crying is more your thing,” he blurted out, wiping at his eyes.
“Oh, come on. I don't cry that often.”
But Jinwoo was totally the waterworks of their team. Myungjun had never expected that, but when he saw Jinwoo cry the moment they were announced as part of Astro, he knew he would probably see Jinwoo's tears much more often.
He had always prided himself as the member who would never cry, but that was ruined.
He snorted and in response to Jinwoo, said, “You do, though. I mean, more often than the rest of us. Ah, god, now my contacts really are bugging me.” He messed with his eyes for a few seconds, Jinwoo silently watching, then sniffed one last time. “I'm good.”
“You're good?”
“Yeah.” He was as good as he'd ever be after sobbing in the bathroom, but it was good enough to continue with his day. “Never...never mention this to the others?”
Jinwoo nodded.
“I know I'm not a robot and I know I'm human and I know I can cry when things get tough, but I want to be the cheerful one. I'm the oldest, Jinjin. I need them all to look up to me. Even if I act stupid, I'd rather them think of me as the one who acts stupid than the one who cries because his dancing sucks.”
“Your dancing is fine.” Jinwoo threw his arm around Myungjun's shoulder. “Like I said, we're going to go nail that dance move, okay?”
Myungjun smiled, making certain his crying wouldn't start up again, then nodded his head. “Right. Sure. I'll nail it.”
And he didn't exactly nail it, but Minhyuk seemed much more patient with him, and Sanha gave him the lunch pack with the most meat when dinner came around and Myungjun decided that with this sort of support, he would do just fine.
Birthdays were a lot different as an idol, Myungjun was coming to realize. His parents used to buy him a cake and he would open presents, but now it was different. They would do a small celebration if possible after fan events, and maybe if they were able to cheat a bit on their diet, a cake would be involved.
Myungjun's birthday was one of those cheat days, and he very much appreciated the cake. He hadn't received any presents, save for a phone call from his parents and brother (and those were presents enough for him), but his birthday was actually still very fun. He was getting used to the idol life, but when the fans sang to him, he really felt like some sort of seasoned superstar.
For the other fans, especially international fans, they held one of their V-live events, which was always enjoyed by everyone involved. Myungjun got cake all over his face, and Jinwoo was stuffing fruits into his mouth.
He wondered if Jinwoo secretly enjoyed babying him, even if it was just for show here.
When the camera was off and the boys were all cleaning up, Jinwoo took extra time to wipe the cake off of Myungjun's face. “You're so messy,” the leader cooed, using his baby voice. “Such a messy boy.”
“Oh my god.” Myungjun snorted and narrowed his eyes. “You're the one who put all this cake on me.”
“Mm.” Jinwoo was smirking as he wiped frosting off of Myungjun's nose, gently and carefully to ensure he didn't scratch or rub the skin too harsh. “But you would've done the same if we had left you alone. You're almost as bad as Sanha.”
“Nobody is as bad as Sanha.”
Jinwoo laughed at that, then shoved at Myungjun's shoulder. “You'd better be happy he's not in here to hear that. He'd throw a fit.”
“Nah, he'd agree with me. He's seen his own messes from eating before.”
Jinwoo was still giggling, and Myungjun was standing still in order to allow the leader to wipe off all of the cake frosting. Once Jinwoo's hand moved away, Myungjun wrinkled his nose and felt his skin.
“You'll still need to take a shower,” Jinwoo commented. “I think it might be a little sticky.”
“A little.” Jinwoo had done a pretty good job at clearing his skin up, though, so Myungjun was very appreciative of that.
“I'm sorry we couldn't do more for your birthday, though. It's just difficult to set aside any time now.”
Myungjun snorted. “I know. I don't care that much. Birthdays remind me of how old I am.” He made a face at Jinwoo.
“Twenty-two, huh?”
“Ugh, don't!” Myungjun covered his face with his hands. “I'm so old compared to you guys. I don't want to be old!”
“If it makes you feel any better, I honestly thought you were around Sanha's age when we first met.”
“Because of my youthful skin?”
Jinwoo was hesitating, and Myungjun's head shot up from his hands. “Jinjin! You're supposed to instantly agree! Look, my skin is so perfect! And you're supposed to nod and agree like a supportive leader.”
“Well...” Jinwoo smiled and made pretend as if he was thinking long and hard about how good Myungjun's skin looked. “I mean, I guess it's looking better than it once was. You still have a while to go until it's perfect, though.”
“Wow, I can't believe I'm hearing this!” Myungjun put a hand over his heart in mock anguish. “On my birthday, too, of all days! You really know how to harm a man, Jinjin.”
Jinwo laughed, and it made Myungjun's heart flutter slightly. He didn't know why his heart fluttered. It had never fluttered before. He always like hearing Jinwoo laugh, certainly, but he never felt so flustered with Jinwoo's laugh.
Maybe he was getting sick. Maybe he had eaten too much cake. Maybe he was just giddy in general for today. He would ignore the flutter of his heart for now. He'd see a doctor if the feeling persisted.
“So sorry, MJ-hyung. Didn't mean to wound you in such a manner.”
Myungjun placed his hand over his chest and gave a small pout. “I don't know how I'll survive, though. You'll have to make it up to me.”
“Does someone need a birthday hug?” Jinwoo asked, wrapping one arm around Myungjun's waist and pulling him close. “Aww, poor MJ-baby.”
There it went again - his heart fluttering. Was it beating faster? It felt like it. Wasn't this just like those dramas, though, with all the cliched feelings of love and romance - ?
Hell, no. It wasn't that. Myungjun was not crushing on his teammate and best friend. This was reality, not some ridiculous drama produced in order to cash in a few bucks.
It was an illness, most likely, and Myungjun was going to see a doctor about it the moment he found some time to do so.
“Ew, gross, man.” He shoved Jinwoo lightly and huffed, straightening out his shirt. “Save it for when you finally get a girlfriend.”
That day was probably going to come soon, Myungjun found himself realizing. Jinwoo had such a nice face. Jinwoo was strong. Jinwoo had a six-pack. Jinwoo's hair was beautiful. Jinwoo had a gorgeous smile.
Myungjun was going to slap himself if he had one more weird thought about Jinwoo.
In order to ensure his mind stayed very much off the path of Jinwoo's handsome features, he ran his fingers through his hair and pointed at the door that led to the locker room. “I'm going to grab my stuff and head to the dorms, alright?”
“Sure. Take a shower and then get right to bed, though. We have a busy schedule tomorrow, and we have to wake up really early for it.”
Myungjun groaned. “On my birthday, too!”
“Hey, this is your fault! You got yourself into an idol group.”
Myungjun framed his own face with his hands and fluttered his eyelashes at Jinwoo. “Based on my talents and beauty, right?”
He liked it a lot when Jinwoo looked amused and shoved at him. “Yeah, sure, you sexy beast, you. Go clean your face.”
Myungjun liked being called a sexy beast. He had always liked being called a sexy beast, but somehow, suddenly, it sounded even better.
It couldn't be because Jinwoo was saying it, with his gruff, kind voice. It was just because he was giddy because it was his birthday. Nothing more, nothing less.
“Going, going. Thanks for the cake, Jinjin.”
Jinwoo smiled brightly at him. “Yeah! And happy birthday, Myungjun-hyung.”
Myungjun's heart fluttered as much as his eyelashes had.
Dongmin was tapping a finger on the floor. Myungjun found the rhythm relaxing, in a way, and he asked, “What song is that?”
“It's an American song,” was Dongmin's response, and the tapping continued.
Myungjun's shoulder was asleep. Jinwoo's head was dipped down on it, using Myungjun as his own personal pillow as he snored lightly. Myungjun didn't mind, however. Even if it meant he had to push his fluttery heart aside, he didn't mind.
He didn't even know why his heart was fluttering yet. It was no longer his birthday, so he wasn't giddy from that – in fact, it was actually a really boring day. He, Jinwoo, and Dongmin were all waiting at their practice room for the other boys to come home from school so they could get to work on the choreography for their newest song. However, it was taking longer than Myungjun expected for Bin, Minhyuk, and Sanha to get out of classes.
Jinwoo had fallen asleep sometime within the past ten minutes, and Myungjun had tensed up when he felt the head rest down on his body.
He just hoped Dongmin wouldn't notice how tense he was.
“You should be tapping our song,” Myungjun mumbled, and his finger came down to join Dongmin's, singing lightly as he tapped out the chorus of their new title track. Dongmin was smiling lightly.
“I still can't believe it's our second album.”
“Don't get all sentimental when I got Jinwoo's big head on top of me,” Myungjun warned. “How the hell am I even holding him up? My shoulder feels like goo, Eunwoo.”
“Want me to move him?”
“Don't you dare touch him. Look how cute he looks, snoring like a giant dog.”
Dongmin wasn't even looking at Jinwoo, however. He was staring at Myungjun, and Myungjun really couldn't make out that expression. Dongmin had always confused him. Perhaps it was because Myungjun wore his own emotions on his sleeve, but Dongmin hid everything so well. He never could tell if Dongmin was sad or upset or excited, unless they were in front of a camera, or unless Bin managed to goad him into displaying something or other.
“Jinjin's face is right here,” Myungjun helpfully supplied, gesturing over and nearly hitting Jinwoo's nose. “Ooh, that was a close one. Jinjin, you have a giant nose.” He lowered his voice down to a whisper, moving his head ever so slightly in order to look down at his friend. “Jinjin, you hear that? You have a huge nose.” Jinwoo snored a bit louder in response, and Myungjun couldn't help the soft smile the crossed his face.
“You've been getting along really well with him recently,” Dongmin stated. His words came out slowly, as if something he said would be offensive, and so Myungjun couldn't help but look back over at him.
“Yeah,” the eldest replied. “We've been working together a lot.”
“You guys worked together a lot for the last album.”
Myungjun didn't understand where this was going. “We all worked together a lot. What's this got to do with me and Jinwoo?”
Dongmin cleared his throat, then tapped Myungjun's other shoulder. “Mind if I rest my head here?” he asked.
“What am I to you guys, a pillow? Jinjin is heavy enough. I bet you'd be even heavier.” Myungjun narrowed his eyes, but Dongmin was just smiling at him. “Fine, geez. You really know how to argue to get your way, don't you? No one prepared me for your sass, Cha Eunwoo.”
“I didn't say anything.” Dongmin lay his head down on Myungjun's other shoulder. It was uncomfortable for Myungjun, definitely, but he quite enjoyed being the oldest sometimes. He liked playing pretend that he had younger brothers. He liked the feeling of being relied on, even if it was just so he could be a pillow.
The silence was nice, too, and Myungjun was just closing his own eyes when he heard Dongmin suddenly whisper, “Am I as heavy as Jinjin-hyung?”
“Nope.”
“Is my nose as big as his?”
“Your nose looks fine compared to his.”
“Do I look like a giant dog?”
“You look like a damn princess, Eunwoo. Stop asking me weird questions.”
Dongmin did fall silent then, but when Myungjun glanced over at him, he had that expression on that Myungjun couldn't quite make out.
Myungjun had no idea what was going on anymore.
Jinwoo was laughing at him when he changed into his outfit for the music video. Myungjun would have joined in on the laughter if it had been anyone else wearing this outfit – but, when he looked in the mirror, that was his face being swallowed up by a bright blue sweater and equally bright blue shorts.
The Astro logo at the bottom of the sweater was cute, though.
“I thought this was supposed to be a summer album,” Myungjun whined as the stylist continued to work on his hair. “What in the hell am I even wearing?”
“You look super cute, MJ-hyung!”
Myungjun scowled and turned his gaze away from the mirror to shoot Jinwoo one of his special glares. “You don't look much better, to be honest. Like a blueberry with cream on top.”
“Cream?”
Myungjun pointed at Jinwoo's hair, which somehow made Jinwoo laugh even more. Myungjun was supposed to be the happy virus of the group, he thought, so how come it was that Jinwoo made Myungjun happier than anything ever could?
Myungjun wondered if they would be switching nicknames here soon.
“Stop laughing at my pain. How come Eunwoo still looks so good in his outfit? He's got some sort of spell on him.”
“At least you don't look as bad as Sanha does,” Jinwoo commented when he was finally able to put a stop to his laughing.
“Sanha doesn't even look that bad. I just feel sorry for him.” Myungjun sighed in relief when the stylist finally released him. He wasn't going to look in the mirror anymore. “Looks like a giant, blue beanstalk with overalls.”
Jinwoo was grinning widely. Myungjun's heart was fluttering more these days whenever Jinwoo grinned at him. He hadn't seen a doctor yet, but he was planning on telling his manager if the condition persisted.
(A fluttering heart was a sign of love, if his dramas taught him anything, but that would mean he was in love with Park Jinwoo. And he was not in love with Park Jinwoo. So the dramas were lying and he must have a serious heart condition instead.)
“Don't tell him that, though. He already feels awkward enough in the overalls.” Jinwoo gave Myungjun's back a short pat as they headed outside again. “Poor Sanha.”
He wanted to take back his words later, though, because Sanha at least was cheerful and didn't complain too much. He had always liked that about Sanha. Despite their age difference, he felt as if Sanha was one of his best friends. And maybe it was weird to be friends with someone so young compared to him, but he supposed it couldn't be helped when they lived and worked together constantly.
But Sanha wasn't the one making his heart flutter. And Myungjun found Sanha cute, but it felt different from the cute that had wrapped around Jinwoo.
And Sanha smiled at him, and Myungjun's heart didn't go patta-patta. Myungjun's heart stayed at a steady, constant rate. He was suspicious of his condition. It only seemed to appear when Jinwoo was around.
This was some sort of cliched bullshit if it wasn't a heart condition, and Myungjun was growing panicked.
“Hey, smile at me.” Myungjun smacked Bin's shoulder. Bin looked only mildly offended.
“Why do you want me to smile at you?”
“I'm testing something. Just smile. It's not that hard, Bin.” And when Bin just stared, Myungjun huffed and placed his hands on his hips. “If you smile at me, I won't tell the manager that you ate two servings of lunch today.”
Bin gave Myungjun a grin, that cute grin that only Bin could do, the grin that made all of the girls cheer, the grin that even grandmothers thought was adorable.
And it was so cute that Myungjun's heart...stayed at a normal, steady heartbeat.
He gave an exasperated sigh and turned away.
“Wow, I didn't know my smile was that bad, Hyung.”
Myungjun shook his head. “Gotta practice, Binnie.”
So Sanha's smile was unable to make his heart go patta-patta. And Bin's smile was unable to make Myungjun's heart go patta-patta.
And Jinwoo's smile made Myungjun's heart go patta-patta.
He didn't want to be aware of the emotions and feelings rushing up inside his chest, however. He had to push them aside. Their situation did not warrant anything other than friendship to take place. So he decided to feign ignorance. He would refuse to acknowledge his fluttery heart any longer.
It was easier said than done, however, because Jinwoo was off in the distance doing some stupid girl group dance, and Myungjun couldn't bring enough willpower into his body to ward off his heart condition.
He hoped the library offered self-help books for this.
“I cannot believe they actually did it.”
Jinwoo was staring at Myungjun in amazement, his eyes wide and his jaw slacked. “I mean, they told me they would, but they actually did it. Oh my god, I don't think I'm going to get used to this.”
“Is it really that bad?” Myungjun whined, pulling the snapback he borrowed from Jinwoo even further down over his head. “Everyone told me it looks good right now.”
“No, no, it does look good. I just...can't get used to it.” Jinwoo reached over to grab the hat off of Myungjun's head, but Myungjun jerked away. “Come on, I want to see it again!”
“I already showed you once!”
Myungjun had gotten his hair dyed before, but it was always dark. It was either brown or black. It was never a bright color of blond or orange or whatever the hell the stylist told him this color actually was. His eyebrows, too, were dyed, and he didn't feel like himself when he had seen his new hair in the mirror. He wondered if this was how Jinwoo felt when his hair had been bleached.
“I wanna see it again. Real quick, I won't tell anyone I got to look at it twice!”
Myungjun shook his head stubbornly, and Jinwoo actually fell back, seeming to realize that Myungjun was serious about it. “Do you hate it that much?”
“I don't hate it.” He didn't hate it at all. He looked good to himself. He appreciated the effort the stylists went through to ensure he actually liked his hair. “I just...don't look like Myungjun.”
“You don't,” Jinwoo agreed, and Myungjun glared at him. “You will, though, in a few days. Once the initial shock wears off. Remember when I turned blond?”
Myungjun snorted, and when it became clear that Jinwoo wasn't going to grab his hat again, he removed his hands. “I remember. No one told me you were going to have it bleached, though. I didn't know who you were at first.”
“Exactly. It's going to be like that, but now you're used to my hair, aren't you?”
“I don't know. You had it black and pink and blond with pink and blond with green and silver, and it's been some crazy ride for your hair, Jinjin.” Myungjun reached out to ruffle Jinwoo's hair. “How is it still so nice and soft?”
Jinwoo chuckled and gently grabbed Myungjun's hand to remove it from his hair. “Hey. We're talking about your hair right now, not mine.”
Myungjun's heart was acting up again. Jinwoo's fingers were wrapped around his wrist, not tightly at all, and his thumb rubbed slightly along Myungjun's skin. Jinwoo was paler than him, Myungjun thought, and Jinwoo had such a clear, beautiful complexion and Jinwoo was the source of his Fluttering Heart Syndrome.
“Ri-right. My hair. Yeah.” Myungjun swallowed nervously and moved his hand out of Jinwoo's grasp. This was getting worse as time went on. He was unable to properly ignore his feelings at this point. The emotions were upfront with him, smacking him left and right, consistently reminding him of the fact that he was falling in love with Park Jinwoo.
“Are you okay?” Jinwoo asked, the smile slowly leaving his face. “You look a little flushed.”
Did he? That wasn't good. Myungjun cleared his throat and tried to relax his heart. He was going to push emotions aside.
He was going to be a smile engine. Nothing was going to be wrong with him.
“Fine! Sorry, I just felt a little ill for a moment. I think it's that hair dye smell. All the chemicals. How'd you deal with it?”
Jinwoo only looked slightly convinced. “Oh, I just...I mean, I guess I felt dizzy, too, sometimes when they would dye my hair. You'll get used to it after a while.”
“I guess I'll have to.” Myungjun didn't like feeling this awkward. He liked playing around with Jinwoo. He liked it when they bumped shoulders or hugged each other or just draped their bodies on each other after a grueling day of practicing. Now, suddenly, he couldn't do any of that without feeling panicked.
He hated emotions.
“Take some medicine, too. It can help with any headaches you might get from bleaching your hair. I know it must be painful. Wish I could help more.” Jinwoo was staring at him and Myungjun suddenly realized that he couldn't quite make out the expression. It reminded him of Dongmin all over again, except this was a different unreadable look. Whereas Dongmin's seemed questioning, this seemed gentle and understanding. Myungjun had always thought that Jinwoo was someone who wore his heart on his sleeve, which was what made the two of them so alike.
Then how come he couldn't tell what Jinwoo was thinking?
“You help out more than enough already.”
“I'd like to help you out more.”
He was so focused on trying to uncover Jinwoo's thoughts that he didn't even notice how close they had gotten to each other. He could see makeup streaks that Jinwoo had yet to take off. He could make out the freckles hidden slightly behind all the powder on his face, and Myungjun found his heart hammering like never before.
Jinwoo had been close to him before, but never quite like this. Time appeared to be moving in slow motion as Jinwoo's hand came up to lightly cup Myungjun's cheek. “So let me know if you ever need help, Myungjun. Okay?”
Myungjun's mouth was dry and his eyes were as wide as saucer plates. This wasn't good. This sort of attachment wasn't good at all. “Ah-” He had to take a deep breath, and as Jinwoo inched even closer, Myungjun scooted back suddenly. “Yeah. Sure. Mm-hmm.”
The moment was broken. Time was ticking once more, rushing at him all at once. Jinwoo blinked and then the soft, serene expression that Myungjun was having difficulty figuring out turned into one that Myungjun could easily detect – embarrassment and shock. “Oh, god, sorry, I kinda...I just wasn't – I was just concerned, making sure you were okay, and I guess I dozed and leaned in – please, please let's just never talk about this again, okay?”
Myungjun didn't know what Jinwoo was babbling about. The leaning in close? Were they not supposed to discuss it? The unreadable expression? Was that off-limits, too?
Jinwoo must have really been humiliated about something, however, and it seemed he truly meant that they should never talk about it again, because he was moving away quickly, stammering about how he had something to do and he would leave medicine on the cabinet in their dorm for Myungjun to take.
Myungjun's legs felt like jelly, though. He couldn't move as quick as Jinwoo could.
What the hell had just happened?
Things were different. Myungjun knew everyone else could feel how awkward he and Jinwoo were around each other. Jinwoo would be laughing and high-fiving the others, but the moment he had to make any sort of contact with Myungjun, he would tense up and his laughter would become an extremely nervous chuckle.
Myungjun despised their new relationship. He was confused and upset that he had suddenly become almost like a source of embarrassment to Jinwoo. During interviews or backstage events, Myungjun would crack a joke and Jinwoo would be one of the only people who wouldn't laugh.
In fact, he hardly even spared a glance toward Myungjun anymore.
With the release of their next album came the grueling schedule again. Myungjun found it comforting this time, however, as it ensured him that he wouldn't have much time to focus on these emotions and feelings that had settled in his heart.
The one day they did have a small break was the day that Myungjun decided he needed extra practice. “I'm just going to work out in the training room,” he told Dongmin.
Dongmin stared at him for a few seconds before glancing over at Jinwoo. “Have you told him?”
Myungjun grit his teeth down. “You can tell him.”
“Did you guys get in a fight?”
“I don't know.”
Dongmin turned back to face Myungjun. “You don't know?” he repeated. Myungjun nodded in confirmation. “How do you not know-?”
“Just tell him I'm going to practice and I'm not going to join you guys for dinner. I'll meet up with you in the dorm later on tonight.”
He didn't want to practice. He wanted to hang out with everyone as he used to. But he decided it was probably better for his sanity if he took a day off from trying to catch Jinwoo's eye.
Dongmin, fortunately, wasn't one for asking many questions. He simply nodded his head, though he still seemed confused. “I'll let him know. Don't stay here too late, Hyung. And please make up with him soon. You guys are acting weird.”
Myungjun wanted to correct Dongmin – Jinwoo was the one acting weird, not him. He was being as normal as he always was. Jinwoo was the one avoiding him.
“Right, right. You guys enjoy yourselves. Eat a lot for me, okay?” He shot Dongmin a grin, trying to clear up that inquisitive look.
It didn't work, obviously. Dongmin was too much in tune with everyone for it to work.
Myungjun immersed himself in practice, however. He played their song over and over. He played other groups' songs over and over. He lifted weights. He did sit-ups. Anything and everything to keep his mind off of Park Jinwoo.
The door opened sometime around midnight and Minhyuk poked his head in. “Are you still here?”
“Yeah.” Myungjun wiped sweat off of his forehead, then paused his music. “Sorry. I'm losing track of time. Are you guys at the dorm?”
Minhyuk nodded and stepped all the way into their practice room. He didn't say anything, just watched as Myungjun grabbed a towel and began scrubbing at his face.
“How did it go?”
“Not as loud as it would with you there,” Minhyuk responded. “Sanha tried to make up for it, though. Almost got Bin to join him, but Eunwoo was determined to keep it quiet.”
Myungjun gave a short laugh. “Bet he enjoyed it without me.”
“Don't know about that. He doesn't have a job if he can't keep you in line.”
Myungjun smirked, then moved to sit down against the wall. Minhyuk joined him after a few seconds. “In case you're wondering, Jinjin was quiet.”
Myungjun's heart hammered against his chest. “Wasn't wondering.”
“Liar.”
Myungjun frowned. “Asshole.”
It was quiet again for a few seconds, then Minhyuk gave a loud sigh. “Can't you talk to him? He's been moping around constantly. All of the lyrics he's writing are sad ballads. That's not the exact image I want for our next album.”
“Gotta save the sad concept for later?”
“I'm serious, MJ-hyung. Stop joking around.”
Myungjun didn't know why he always let Minhyuk talk to him like that, but somehow, Minhyuk always seemed to be a voice of reason.
“Nothing happened between us. Can everyone just stop worrying so much about it?”
“Something did happen. Even Sanha noticed. You guys were fine with each other, and then suddenly it just...stopped. Jinjin hasn't said anything to you, and you're over here acting like an idiot and skipping out on our one break just because you don't have any guts to face him.”
The words stung violently, but Myungjun couldn't even protest them because he knew they were true. He really didn't have any guts. His courage had been depleted the moment Jinwoo had leaned in, the moment Jinwoo had suddenly decided that they would no longer talk about anything. And it made Myungjun so self-conscious to know that something had gone wrong. That something seemed to stem from his own issues, though. Maybe Jinwoo was partially to blame, but if Myungjun had kept a better rein of his feelings, none of this would be so difficult for him.
“You're really something, Rocky.”
“I'm really annoyed of you two acting like this, is all.”
“Hm.” Myungjun snorted and brought his knees up close to his chest, wrapping his arms around him. “Go back to the dorms. I'll join you in a few minutes.”
Minhyuk didn't stand up for a little while, and when he did, he left without saying another word.
Myungjun preferred it that way, though, because now he wasn't sure how he could face any of his members anymore.
He tried to talk to Jinwoo. He didn't half-ass this like he did a number of other things. He actually put himself in positions in order to talk to Jinwoo, to try and resolve the weird relationship they had suddenly found themselves in.
But Jinwoo made every effort to not speak to him.
He tried cornering him, he tried announcing his name in front of everyone else, he tried tripping him during practice.
Jinwoo acted as if he wasn't there.
It made the others exchange glances. Myungjun was certain that Sanha was going to bite his lips off if the boy gnawed on them anymore. Minhyuk was exasperated, Bin was just downright confused, and Dongmin still was unreadable.
And Jinwoo was ignoring him.
Myungjun couldn't say he knew what being depressed felt like, but he could accurately describe the feeling of crushed emotions and being lost in his own self and the pain in his heart whenever Jinwoo would turn away from him.
He spent more time practicing and exercising. He needed to keep his mind off of everything, if possible, except for his career. He was going to be an idol. He wasn't going to be a human.
Except he would look at Jinwoo and he couldn't push down the sorrow and hurt of being completely disregarded.
So he practiced more. He trained more. He continued to eat healthily and keep up a normal sleep schedule, but he made certain he gave himself no breaks so that his mind wouldn't wander back to Park Jinwoo.
But Park Jinwoo wandered to him during his late-night practice. The door opened and Myungjun caught sight of his silver hair in the large mirrors. “Jin-” He turned around, but Jinwoo had already left.
Usually, Myungjun would allow him to leave. He was the one trying, and if Jinwoo wasn't going to come around, then Myungjun wasn't going to force it upon him. However, things had gotten out of control. Their friendship seemed to be completely absent, save for their times in front of fans, and Myungjun was sick of everything.
So he ran after Jinwoo.
Jinwoo didn't seem to expect having a short, angry idol tackling him, which made everything much easier for said short, angry idol.
It took a few seconds for the two of them to catch their breath, and when Jinwoo was able to breathe properly, he struggled to get away.
“Don't you fucking dare!” Myungjun snapped, grabbing tightly onto his wrist. Perhaps it was the bitter cursing, or the fact that Myungjun was pissed in general, but Jinwoo stopped and stared at him with wide eyes.
“MJ-hyung, let me go.”
“Not until you tell me what your problem is,” Myungjun responded. “I thought you were my best friend.”
“I am.”
“Best friends don't do what you're doing.”
Jinwoo was still staring up at him in amazement. “How'd you get so strong suddenly?”
“I've been working out non-stop because a certain someone decided to treat me like shit and it's easier to work out than it is to watch him pretend I don't exist.”
He liked that flash of guilt that crossed Jinwoo's face.
“It wasn't my original intention.”
“Then what was your original intention?”
Jinwoo looked away then and Myungjun caught sight of that embarrassment that had shown up on his face before. “Ah...look, things just became weird with us, and...I don't know what to do anymore.”
Myungjun could very well relate. He sat back, loosening his grip on Jinwoo slightly as he did so. Thankfully, Jinwoo seemed to be done running from his own issues.
“You could treat me like you always had before.”
“It's difficult.”
“What's so difficult about it?”
Jinwoo sighed loudly, then shifted under Myungjun. “Let me sit up, please.” When he noticed Myungjun raising his eyebrows, he whined, “MJ, please let me sit up. I'm not going to go, I promise. I might as well get this over with. Even if I think you'll stop speaking to me once I tell you.”
He certainly knew how to get Myungjun's attention. The older boy moved off of Jinwoo, and they both sat on the floor, legs crossed and facing each other. Myungjun supplied Jinwoo with rapt focus, but Jinwoo seemed much more awkward about the serious stare he was being given. “Talk, then.”
“Yeah. Okay, um...you know when you dyed your hair – still looks good, by the way.”
“I remember.”
“And I...did that weird thing...?”
Myungjun slowly nodded his head. “We weren't supposed to talk about it.”
“And that's why I couldn't talk.”
“Because you did the weird thing? You couldn't talk because you did that weird thing?” Myungjun had no clue what was going on anymore.
“Sort of. Mostly. Kind of like that.” Jinwoo groaned. “God, Myungjun, it's so complicated. I was leaning in and you were...messing with my emotions.”
It sounded very familiar, because Myungjun always felt Jinwoo mess with his own emotions. Myungjun's heart went patta-patta. Myungjun's chest felt fluttery. Myungjun was sure Jinwoo was giving him a heart disease.
And then he realized Jinwoo was the same.
“Did you get a fluttering heart?” he asked, eyes growing wide as he stared.
The blush was all he needed for an answer. Jinwoo nodded, but Myungjun had already figured out what seemed to be going on.
“And when you were leaning in, was that...oh my god, was it a, um...a ki-?”
“I told you we shouldn't talk about it!” Jinwoo buried his face in his hands. “I'm so sorry, Myungjun. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I just wasn't thinking. I acted without thinking, and I should have been thinking, and then I couldn't ever look at you after that. I was so embarrassed. And I should have probably brushed it off and pretended it never happened, but I couldn't, because I had really, really wanted to at that moment.”
Jinwoo had the heart disease known as love, too.
“Oh.”
Myungjun needed to process everything. The entire time he had been pining after Jinwoo, apparently, Jinwoo had been pining after him. While Myungjun was trying to reject his feelings, Jinwoo was actually doing the exact same thing.
“We can go back to talking,” Jinwoo mumbled, and he wasn't moving his hands away from his face. “I'm so sorry. I'll never mention this again. Just, please, Myungjun, please ignore it all. I'll ignore my feelings.”
“I've learned it's actually impossible to ignore Fluttering Heart Syndrome,” Myungjun helpfully supplied. His own heart was fluttering at this moment. The piercing pain it had felt before had been replaced, and he couldn't help the large grin that was stretching at his cheeks. “I've tried for a while. You make it difficult for me.”
His words confused Jinwoo. He could tell by the way the younger boy was slowly lowering his fingers, eyes inquisitive and head tilted slightly. “Wha-What do you mean?”
“Um...Fluttering Heart Syndrome.” Myungjun didn't know how to describe love. “In your chest? It's a disease, I thought at first, or an illness, but then I started realizing that the disease only came on when I was doing something with you, especially when you would, like, grab my hands or hug me or something. And so I tested it with other members and it confirmed that I did not have some sort of heart condition, but it was Fluttering Heart Syndrome. When I looked at you and my heart just kind of went like patta-patta.”
Jinwoo's eyes were growing rounder. “You...liked me?”
“Like. As in, present tense like.” Myungjun swallowed nervously. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up his confidence levels.
“Since when?”
“I don't remember.”
It had come on gradually, slowly. It had confused Myungjun for weeks and months. It made him question everything he ever felt with any relationship he ever had, and when he finally realized he liked Jinwoo, it was way too late for him to remember exactly when the feelings had made themselves known. For some reason, he felt as if they had always been there.
“You don't remember?”
“No. Do you?”
Jinwoo was acting as if this was all a dream. He wasn't losing that doe-eyed look or the shock or the tense posture. “I...sort of do. During the first album promotions. Sometime around then.”
“Was it the headband?”
It was a joke to dispel this awkwardness that was surrounding the two of them. Luckily, it seemed to work, because Jinwoo's lips were turning up in a small smile. “Ah...maybe it was? I just know it was sometime around then.”
“You hid it pretty well.”
“You hid yours even better. I mean, I'm the one who was trying to kiss you before I even confessed to you.”
Myungjun nodded his head. “I didn't know that's what you were trying to do, though.”
“Then what did you think I was trying to do?”
“I don't know.” Myungjun shrugged his shoulders. “Um...I wanted to ask, but you told me we'd never discuss it again, and I didn't know that you meant never speak again.”
Jinwoo winced. “Yeah, that was really dumb of me. I'm sorry. I wanted to talk, I just...thought you knew I was trying to kiss you, and so I figured you'd try and talk about that, and since I thought you only saw me as a friend, it was going to be real awkward to explain.”
“I forgive you,” Myungjun responded. “I mean, I'm still pissed that you ignored me for so long, but I can understand, I guess.” At the very least, he didn't want to continue being mad at Jinwoo, not when Jinwoo was in love with him as well.
Jinwoo nodded his head and stared down at the ground. “Now what?”
Now what was an excellent question that Myungjun did not have the answer to. Would they go on as if they hadn't confessed each other? Would they date? Myungjun was very unsure how everything would work out for the two of them in the end.
“First I think we should act like best friends again,” he slowly started. Jinwoo looked up at him and Myungjun continued. “I think that will put to rest any curiosities that, um, the other boys might have.”
“Oh. Yeah. I forgot all about them.” Jinwoo made a grimace. “I've never had Bin fuss at me so much. And he was right.”
“Minhyuk got to me,” Myungjun responded. “These guys think they can treat us like we're younger than they are! We need to punish them.”
Jinwoo laughed lightly. “I should have been doing my job as a leader and issuing out punishments. Should Sanha get one?”
“I don't think he did anything wrong, but sure. Let's give Sanha one, too.” Myungjun stood up with a small grunt, straightening out his clothes, then offered a hand to Jinwoo. “Come on. I have to go close up the practice room, and then we can head back to the dorm.”
Jinwoo stared at him for a few seconds before accepting the hand and pulling himself up. He seemed nervous when Myungjun's fingers wrapped around his own, but he didn't pull away, and Myungjun had to hide his smile.
He very much liked holding hands with Park Jinwoo.
“Eighteen...nineteen-”
“You and Jinjin-hyung are friends again?”
“We were always – twenty – friends,” Myungjun grunted out. “Just keep holding my legs still.”
Sit-ups were always interesting whenever he had Sanha as a partner. Sanha could not sit still for more than five seconds. Already the boy was shifting, his knee pressing down harshly into Myungjun's foot.
Myungjun endured it simply for the fact that he was still over the moon with the knowledge that Jinwoo liked him.
“Well, you guys didn't seem like friends the other day. He wouldn't talk to you, and you kicked him during practice.”
“I kicked him – twenty-one – because he sucks.”
“See? That's not a very friendly thing to do.”
“I'm going to kick you, too.”
Sanha pouted before moving once more, the knee lifting up to allow Myungjun's poor toes a chance to survive to see another day. “What did you guys fight about, anyway?”
“We didn't fight. Twenty-three.”
“Then why were you upset with each other?”
When Myungjun came back up during his next sit-up, he flicked Sanha's forehead. He was rewarded with a loud whine, and he went back down again. “Twenty-four.”
“Fine, don't talk to me. I'll ask Jinjin-hyung. He'll tell me.”
“He won't. Twenty-five.”
“He caves into pressure super quickly, MJ-hyung.”
Myungjun paused in his sit-ups, and when he glanced over at Sanha, he saw the smirk on the younger boy's face. Jinwoo did give into pressure rather quickly. And, typically, Jinwoo was easy to figure out. Already the members were suspicious because Jinwoo had taken to humming constantly and shooting Myungjun large grins when he assumed no one else was looking.
If Sanha got a hold of him, Jinwoo would probably spill everything without ever thinking about it.
“Well, okay, but he's got nothing to hide.”
“You look nervous.”
Sanha was grinning now. It was such a stupid grin. Myungjun wanted to wipe that grin off with a few quick words, but he realized suddenly that he couldn't think of a good comeback.
Because Jinwoo was totally going to spill the beans.
“Sanha, please don't talk to him.” He was going to resort to begging. It was all he had left now. He was also going to tell Jinwoo this in hopes that the leader of their group would see just how much Myungjun was degrading himself in order to keep their mutual affection for each other a secret. “We're still working stuff out right now, promise, and it's just a complicated situation and we're figuring everything out. Just, for right now-”
“Is it because you two like each other?”
Well. That made Myungjun really freeze up, and his eyes widened. “We...what?”
Sanha shrugged as if it was obvious. “You always acted like an idiot around him, and Jinjin-hyung always smiled at you when you weren't looking, until you two had a fight and then never spoke.”
So Sanha was somehow smarter than Myungjun had given him credit for. Sanha had suddenly figured all of this out before either Jinwoo or Myungjun themselves had.
Myungjun really felt like he was in some sort of crappy drama.
“All of us knew it,” Sanha continued. “Except Binnie-hyung, he never believed us, so Eunwoo-hyung actually placed a bet, and now I think that Binnie-hyung owes-”
“Eunwoo placed a bet?”
Gambling was such a disgraceful act for a popular boy group, but Myungjun didn't even care about the act itself. He cared about the fact that Dongmin was placing bets about his love life.
Which he did not have. He didn't have a love life. Being in love with Jinwoo had nothing to do with his love life, really, because he was just going to act normal.
And by normal, he meant he was going to storm into the dance practice room where Minhyuk and Bin were assisting Dongmin with his dancing. Jinwoo was working out on one of their large exercise balls nearby, and all of the boys looked up when Myungjun slammed open the door.
“Cha Eunwoo!” he called out.
He was about to unleash true fury, but Sanha suddenly grabbed him from behind and stuffed a hand over his mouth.
“Don't tell them I told you!” the boy whispered desperately.
His whispering voice was very loud, however, and Bin blinked at Myungjun. “What did Sanha tell you?”
Myungjun removed Sanha's hand long enough to say, “You guys placed a bet on whether or not me and Jinjin were in love!”
Jinwoo's exercise ball flew out from under him, and the poor guy landed uncomfortably on the floor with a loud smack. Myungjun totally would have gone to check on him, but he was much more preoccupied with getting out of Sanha's ridiculously long limbs. “Get off me, Yoon Sanha! I'm going to go kill Eunwoo!”
“Hyung, run!” Sanha cried out. Fine, Myungjun thought. Sanha must have been prepared to be the sacrifice. Because Myungjun was going to kill somebody today.
Dongmin didn't run, though. “Sanha, let him go. He's not going to lay a finger on me.”
It was true, and all Myungjun could do when he was finally released was huff angrily. He glanced over at Jinwoo, who was rubbing at his elbow. Jinwoo was much more pale than he was. In turn, this allowed his blush to be very noticeable. Minhyuk was already snickering behind his hand at Jinwoo's new red complexion.
Myungjun hoped his tan skin hid his own flushed face.
“Bin, I think you owe me money,” Dongmin announced, and Jinwoo buried his face in his hands. Minhyuk just laughed louder.
And suddenly Myungjun remembered Dongmin's looks. Dongmin's unreadable expression came to the forefront of his mind, and he understood it.
Dongmin knew the entire time.
“Hey!” Myungjun pointed a finger up at Dongmin, who was staring at him with wide, innocent eyes. “You knew!”
“Knew what?” Bin whined, calculating on his fingers how much he owed everyone.
“Eunwoo knew I liked Jinjin!”
“I knew Jinjin-hyung liked you, too.” Dongmin smiled cheerfully. Myungjun wished he didn't view these guys as his family, because he would have smacked that grin right off of Dongmin's face if he didn't love him so much. “You guys were oblivious to it, though. Sanha even started to catch on.”
Sanha, still behind Myungjun, nodded seriously and moved to stand next to Dongmin, as if separating him from one of the only two boys who wasn't aware of the blossoming love. “You guys were really, really obvious, Hyung.”
So everyone knew. Well, maybe not Bin, but Bin was at least conversing about it with Dongmin, since the two of them had placed a bet. And Minhyuk was still grinning, which Myungjun assumed meant that he knew, too.
“You guys are terrible,” Myungjun chided, and he walked to check on Jinwoo, who still wasn't looking up at anyone. “Look what you've done to our poor leader! He fell and no one even bothered to check on him.”
“I was betting in my head that you would.”
“Cha Eunwoo, shut your damn face.”
“I can't believe they knew.” Jinwoo was staring at the ice pack Myungjun placed on his elbow in confusion. “I didn't even know until later.”
“Same.” Myungjun examined the small bruise that had formed. He hoped icing it would work, especially since they had a busy schedule coming up. He hoped Jinwoo wasn't going to be sore from that. “I mean, I thought something was up, but I pushed it aside in order to just keep the relationships steady.”
Jinwoo nodded his head in agreement, then stretched his arm out in front of him. “Hyung, it's not hurting. You don't have to keep acting like it's broken.”
“It was partially my fault. Probably shouldn't blurt stuff out like that.”
“Well, Eunwoo probably shouldn't be making bets on our love life.”
Myungjun grinned and removed the ice pack before sitting down next to Jinwoo. “We should come up with some sort of punishment for him. Maybe we should put soap in his toothpaste.”
“Sanha uses that toothpaste.”
“Even better!”
Jinwoo giggled and then turned to look at Myungjun. His gaze was so soft, and it reminded Myungjun why he fell in love with Jinwoo in the first place. “I think we should hold off on punishing them.”
“Wow, you're no fun.”
Jinwoo hummed slightly but didn't respond. The quiet was nice, at least. It allowed Myungjun some time to gather his thoughts before he spoke again. “So we decided not to act on our feelings because we didn't want the others to pick up on it.”
“Right.”
“But they picked up on it before we did.”
Jinwoo nodded.
“So...so, uh, I was just a little curious because now I'm not sure what to do next.” Myungjun stared down at the ground, not at Jinwoo's handsome face. “I mean, I didn't expect you to ever like me back. I was okay with squashing all of my feelings as long as it meant we could remain friends.”
“Well, I still want to remain friends.”
“But do friends want to kiss each other?”
Jinwoo cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair. “I...I wouldn't know. I guess not. I never have a desire to kiss Rocky, in any case.”
“I have a desire to punch Eunwoo's mouth.” Jinwoo looked over at Myungjun, fairly amused, and Myungjun offered him a smile. “But I'd never kiss him.”
“So you and I are friends who want to kiss each other?”
“Seems that way,” Myungjun responded, squishing at the ice pack in his hands. It wasn't as awkward to talk about kissing Jinwoo now that he knew Jinwoo also wanted to kiss him.
“Should we kiss, then?”
Myungjun took a minute to actually think it through. Jinwoo gave him that minute, too, thankfully, because Myungjun needed that moment to wonder just how nice Jinwoo's lips would feel on his own. It would mean something, too, the moment they connected lips. Something romantic and sweet, something a little bit more than friends.
And Myungjun decided that he had actually waited long enough for that moment to come.
“Lay one on me, Jinjin.”
He felt extremely satisfied when Jinwoo kissed him and his heart fluttered.