Chapter Text
Shane and Ilya couldn’t be prouder of their daughter Anastasia. She was 17 years old, smart as a whip, and a strong athlete. Ana was determined to play hockey and go to college, hoping to play for the Wisconsin Badgers women’s team - the most winning team in women’s college hockey. She was a happy girl, made friends easily, and was kind to everyone.
Ana was also the spitting image of Shane: black hair, perfect skin, and wore her emotions all over her face. So when Ana got home from hockey practice one night it only took one look for Ilya to instantly recognize that something was wrong.
“Ana, what is wrong? What do you need? How can I help?”
“Nothing”, Ana mumbled, not looking up or making eye contact. She threw her backpack down on the floor and opened the fridge looking for a snack.
“You can’t lie to your papa. I know something is wrong. You have the same angry kitten look on your face that your dad gets.”
Ana said nothing and in fact, acted like she didn’t even hear him.
“Shane!”, Ilya called up the stairs. “Ana has angry kitten face and won’t tell me what’s wrong!”
Shane rushed downstairs. “What is it? Ana what’s wrong? Did something happen at hockey practice?”
“No” Ana mumbled, still looking away.
Ilya was getting visibly agitated that his daughter was upset and he didn’t know why. “Did you get hurt? Was someone mean to you? Did you get a bad grade? Because it’s ok if you did. Who does papa need to go yell at. I’m professional hockey player - I know how to take care of bullies.”
“Ilya” said Shane warily. “Ana” said Shane softly, “were kids giving you a hard time about us being gay?” This had happened on and off throughout the years but luckily they had a very supportive school district, and most of the kids were very accepting.
“No!” Ana said, now looking up, her eyes filled with tears. “Kids were giving me a hard time but not because you’re gay. It’s because Papa apparently slept with a ton of women. They kept calling him a whore and laughing at me!” At this point Ana was borderline hysterical, a mixture of crying and anger. “I tried to tell them there was no way that was true but then they were showing me pictures and videos of him in clubs when he was younger, and each one had a different woman!”
Shane looked stunned. Not because he didn’t know about Ilya’s past, of course he did, but because it never occurred to him that his past would show up in this way. Of course they had shared some of their past selves with Ana, but in hindsight perhaps they should have shared a bit more.
Ilya meanwhile was devastated and looked like he was trying to fight back tears. “Anastasia”, he said gently. “Let’s talk about this. I want to explain things to you.”
“No!” Yelled Ana. “What’s there to explain? I saw the pictures and the videos. How many women were there, or have you lost count!? I thought you loved dad since you were 17. I thought you respected women. But I guess I was wrong!” And she broke down weeping.
Ilya was frozen. He didn’t know what to do. Sure the three of them would have disagreements and squabbles - after all, they had a teenager - but this. This was something entirely different. And he’d never seen Ana this upset or this angry. And especially not at Papa.
“Anastasia”, Shane said, “there is much more of a history than those pictures and videos tell. Your papa had a har—“
“I don’t care” Ana hissed, “I doubt you could tell me anything that would make me feel better about this”.
Ilya couldn’t take it anymore and he turned and left the kitchen. He went up the stairs to go to his bedroom. He needed to compose himself, and probably give Ana some space, before they could rationally talk about this. He had never been particularly ashamed of his past. He always used protection and always made sure he had clear consent. Plus, the work with his therapist helped him better understand that younger version of himself. And Ilya always kind of thought, if the things he did all led him to Shane, then he’d do them again in any lifetime. But as he could hear Ana crying the shame was coming on fast. He made it to the top of the stairs and was about to turn to his bedroom when he heard Shane.
“Ana. Listen to me. Your papa was and is a wonderful, beautiful person.”
“Yeah. Right” Ana huffed.
Ilya didn’t know if he should be listening in like this but he couldn’t bring himself to move.
“Sit down”, Shane said.
In some ways Ana and Shane were night and day different - in fact, in many ways Ana reminded Ilya of Yuna. But there were other things about her that Ilya knew came directly from Shane, including her (normally) level-headed nature. But also her ability to spiral from time to time. Shane knew what to say and how to handle her since he himself spirals over things as well.
“Please let me talk. I have a lot to tell you, and I’m sure your Papa will have more to tell you. But please listen to us. I know papa can put up a tough exterior but I know right know he’s hurting. You are the absolute love of his life, you are his sunshine. And if he thinks that his actions hurt you in any way, then I know he’s probably upstairs crying his eyes out.”
Ana paused and her eyes got big. “Crying?”
“Yes, crying. I know you don’t often see that from papa. Maybe on the anniversary of Babushka Irina’s death, or maybe there have been times when you’ve seen tears in his eyes. But there are times when things get hard, even for him, and he cries. In fact, he sobs and I’m sure that’s what he’s doing now. I’ve told him he shouldn’t be afraid of showing you that side of him, but …”
Ilya was in fact bawling his eyes out as he listened from the top of the stairs. He was trying his best to muffle the sounds, but he couldn’t hold his tears back.
“The things I’m going to tell you,” said Shane, “are important pieces of papa’s past and my past. First, know that papa and I love you fiercely. In ways you’ll never understand until you have your own children. Secondly, we would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Lastly, papa loves me deeply. And I love him deeply. Please don’t ever doubt that. And for as long as I’ve known him he’s always had the utmost respect for women. And having been in hockey locker rooms for basically my whole life, seeing a player show respect to women is unfortunately quite rare. So please remember these three things now, today, and always.”
Ana was sniffling, and hanging her head. The crying had slowed but she wasn’t ready to forgive or apologize.
Ilya always got emotional anytime Shane spoke openly about their love to anyone, even their daughter. Ilya’s tears hadn’t slowed, and he sank down onto the floor resigning himself to the fact that he was going to continue to listen.
Shane continued “you know that I’m gay. In fact, your papa has even called me ‘super gay’ before - even though I’m obviously regular gay”. Ana looked a little confused but didn’t say anything. Ilya smiled to himself through his tears. “Despite being gay or whatever, I’ve also been with women before.”
Now Ana looked thoroughly confused.
“Auntie Rose. She and I dated many years ago. If you google it you’ll no doubt see pictures of the two of us together.”
“You and Auntie Rose?!” Ana said. “Ew”.
Shane smiled. “Yes Auntie Rose. In fact she’s the one who helped me come to terms with being gay. And you’ve always known that papa is bisexual. And I’ve always known that papa is bisexual. This means I’ve always known that papa’s history included women. Grandma and Grandpa actually had a bit of worry, I think, that Ilya’s bisexuality and his time with women might mean that he couldn’t love me as much as he should. But one of the very first things that Ilya ever told them was that he has only been in love with one person. That person is me Ana. And the same is true for me. Your papa is the only person I’ve ever been in love with..” And Shane smiled, thinking about that day so long ago. Being terrified that he would disappoint his parents. But instead they had been so accepting. Unbeknownst to Shane, Ilya was smiling at the same time thinking about that day.
“Ana, I know that you know being gay or bisexual or queer isn’t always easy. Having two dad, you’ve had to live this day in and day out. But sometimes, often times, it’s very hard. So your papa and I have an understanding between us that while our pasts might be messy, we know it’s because we had to figure ourselves out before we could fully love one another.”
“Ok but Auntie Rose is one thing, but all those different women in the pictures!? That’s another thing entirely.” Ana said, and started choking up again.
“Look”, said Shane, “Papa’s childhood is not my story to tell. But I will tell you this: His childhood was hard. Much harder than he’s ever let on. The things he experienced and had to deal with, all on top of the pressure cooker that the MHL brings … let’s just say I couldn’t be prouder of him. Your papa may have done things that don’t make sense to me or to you, but he was coping the only way he knew how. Your papa beat the odds. He is strong. He is loving. And he is my forever person and your forever papa. I know it’s hard to understand, but give him grace. He loves you to the moon and back.”
Ana slowly deflated. Her shoulders slumped and now she just looked sad, rather than mad. “I didn’t know papa had it that bad”, she whispered. “I feel bad for the way I acted. I should go find him.”
“No”, said Shane. “It’s late. Let’s just all go to bed and we can talk tomorrow after we’ve had some sleep.” Ana yawned and nodded her head.
Ilya made his way to his bedroom. His tears had stopped but his heart remained heavy. He never wanted to hurt his baby girl like that. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. And now he knew what he needed to do.
***
Shane was cleaning up the kitchen, turning off the lights and getting ready to go up and check on Ilya. His phone buzzed and he saw that Ilya had texted him - Moy lyubimyy, will you bring some paper and a pen when you come to bed.
Shane was a little confused but he grabbed them and went to bed. When he walked in his bedroom he saw Ilya sitting on the bed, staring off into space.
“Ilya. Are you ok? I explained some things to her. I think she understands a bit better. But how are you? I’m sorry you had to experience that.”
Ilya was quiet for awhile, still staring into space. “I never meant to hurt her. And if I hurt her with my actions then I must have hurt you too.” With that his voice started to crack and his lip started to tremble. “What kind of man am I if I hurt those who I love the most? I tried so hard to not turn into my father, but look at me.” And then Ilya started crying. Not a full blown sob, but crying in such a way as though he had resigned himself to the fact that this was his reality, that he was his father.
Shane went to Ilya, and did what he always did when Ilya was feeling down. Shane sat on his lap, his face facing Ilya, legs wrapped around him. Shane hugged him hard and rocked him. Eventually Ilya’s sobs subsided.
“Look at me”, said Shane, holding Ilya’s face in his hands. “You have not hurt me. You have not hurt Anastasia. The only person hurting is young Ilya. The poor, lost boy who suffered indescribable trauma. Who was so starved for love and affection and found it the only way he knew how - with women.” Ilya looked down, tears streaming down his eyes. Shane took his chin in his hand, lifted his head so Ilya was looking at him, and said “listen to me. You have not hurt me. You have not hurt Anastasia. We love you to the ends of the earth and nothing you do will ever, ever change that. We love you. So much”. Then Shane leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. Then he leaned in and gave him a more passionate kiss. He kissed him assertively, as though daring Ilya to argue with what he said. Eventually they separated and Ilya rested his forehead on Shane’s chest. “Thank you Shane. You take care of me. I don’t deserve it.” Shane started shaking his head “Yes, yes you do deserve it. You do so much for our family and we love
you so much for it.” They started kissing again, and before long the deep passionate kiss turned into more frantic kissing. Tongues darting in and out of mouths, spit being swapped, and hands moving all over each other’s bodies. Still sitting in his lap, Shane pushed Ilya backwards onto the bed and began slowly undressing him. Shane stopped to kiss every inch of Ilya and when neither could take it any longer, they came together and made deep, passionate love.
Shane was exhausted from the evening. Ilya was exhausted too, but didn’t think he could sleep just yet. He sat in bed while Shane fell asleep, gently snoring.
A few hours later Shane woke up and looked over. Ilya had taken the paper and pen and was writing. “What are you doing? What is happening?” Asked Shane.
“I’m writing Anastasia a letter. It’s time she knows who her papa really is. Where he came from, what he went through, and who he is.”