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Jiho fell to the floor behind the couch, making sure she was out of sight for whoever could be still in the apartment. She slid against the wooden floor, her black shirt collecting dust, and peeked into the living room.
It was empty. Now that she made sure they hadn’t lied and stayed there to spy on her she could put her plan into action.
She had been working on it for weeks, but it was rare Jiho could get the chance to be alone at the dorm. Either they all had a schedule together, or it was just one or two of them. With their diet they rarely could eat out, and most of the time they went out in small groups instead of all of them. It had been her lucky day when they decided to go eat meat. Jiho faked a headache, Hyojung almost decided to stay home to make sure she wouldn’t die but she convinced her she’d be fine; she would take a nap, and stay away from the kitchen, especially the stove.
Once they left Jiho quickly changed and got ready in case they would come back before she was done.
She ran across the living room into Binnie’s bedroom.
She opened the first drawer of the bedside table, her eyes widening when she saw the baby blue book. Binnie’s diary.
Sitting on the bed, she took one of her hairpins and picked at the cheap lock until it opened for her and she had access to its content. She turned the pages to the most recent entry.
December 22nd
Jiho’s an X. She’s the part of the equation you really want to figure out, but you realize after a while it’s impossible because you don’t know anything else about the equation. All you have is X, and you don’t even know what X is.
No matter how much I try I can’t figure out Kim Jiho. Does she like me?
Today we went to eat samgyupsal with Arin. Jiho kept stealing food from my plate. I can’t tell if she was doing it to annoy me or if she was doing it because she wanted my attention.
It seems like we can’t communicate at all. She’s like an 8 years old who only know how to show affection by annoying others. I wish she would just tell me, if she liked me.
Maybe Jiho and I are an inequality.
Jiho closed the diary shut, a heavy sigh leaving her lips.
Why was she an X? X was the most boring letter. She could’ve been O, like Oh My Girl. O was a nice letter, all round and nice and it was fun to look at. There was no end of O. It was an infinite letter. O would be fun to hug. Jiho wanted to be O.
And what about J? It was the first letter of her name. J was the first letter of joy, of jeans, and of jellybean. Why couldn’t she be J?
X was stupid. Jiho didn’t want to be a xylophone or a xenophone. She wanted to be a cool letter. Jiho hated Binnie for making her a X.
She closed the diary, putting the lock back on and slammed the drawer shut.
She stomped her way out of the room. She needed someone’s assistance immediately, but everyone was gone.
In Arin’s room she found a math book and she quickly read through it, sitting down on the youngest member’s bed. Nowhere they explained why X was X. She threw the book to the floor.
“Why are you in my room destroying my math book and dressed like you’re on your way to rob a bank,” asked Arin as she dropped her bag next to her bed, frowning. Jiho hadn’t even heard the front door open. “And why are your clothes all dusty?”
“So we won’t have to clean the floors,” Jiho answered, then continued onto another subject. “Why is it always X in equations? Is it stated somewhere it can’t be another letter? Why did they make it X?” Jiho asked, panicked.
Yewon shot her an incredulous look.
“Why?”
“I NEED to know Yewon. It’s IMPORTANT,” Jiho stood up, pacing around the room.
“I don’t know… They must’ve felt like it,” answered Yewon, shrugging.
“Who?”
“The people who invented algebra?”
Jiho bit her lip, lost in thoughts.
“Who invented algebra?”
Yewon rolled her eyes, pushing her towards the door.
“Google it,” she said and once Jiho was outside the door she closed the door.
Jiho was left on her own.
She found Mimi in the living room, watching some variety show. Somehow everyone came back while she was in Arin’s room.
“How would you react if someone called you a xylophone?” Jiho asked, sitting down next to the blonde girl. Mimi just stared at her, raising an eyebrow.
“I mean xenophobe,” said Jiho, shaking her head.
“Aren’t you though? You don’t even have friends.”
Jiho gasped. “I have friends!” she protested.
“Who?”
“There’s...Binnie, and Arin, and all the members.”
Mimi rolled her eyes. “Do you have friends at school?”
“Arin!” Jiho answered.
“Someone that’s not a member of our group.”
“Sure...there’s…” Jiho couldn’t find an answer. She groaned, crossing her arms in frustration.
Mimi’s attention went back to the television.
Jiho’s next target was Seunghee that she found in the kitchen, going through the fridge.
“What do you know about inequalities?” asked Jiho, and Seunghee frowned at her.
“What kind of inequality? Like, between the genders?”
Jiho shook her head no, rolling her eyes.
“In math.”
“I graduated two years ago,” she reminded Jiho. “Is that Shiah’s shirt?”
Jiho looked down at the dusty black shirt she was wearing.
“Possibly. Black looks better on me anyway," Jiho said. "But that's not what I want to talk about."
Seunghee closed the fridge, then moved to the cupboard where they hid snacks, undecided.
"When you have an inequality, it means that instead of having one answer you have multiple, right? An infinity of solutions?"
Seunghee raised an eyebrow, sending Jiho an confused look.
"I guess?"
"Is Binnie good at math?"
"I think she is. Better than you at least. Is that a trick question?"
Jiho sighed. She had to know what it meant. If Jiho and Binnie were an inequality, that would technically be a good thing. There were multiple solutions to them, so some of those solutions had to be good. Maybe Binnie was just stupid.
It wasn’t until they were all sitting together at the dining table in front of food Hyojung and Shiah had cooked that Jiho broke down.
“Why am I Xenon? Its atomic number is 54, am I really only number 54 in your life? Do you not care about me?” asked Jiho loudly, hitting her fists against the table. “Or was it X for xero? Because I’m not worth anything?”
Everyone stared at her, not knowing how to react.
“Jiho, zero starts with a Z,” said Seunghee, but Jiho ignored her.
She was furious.
“What’s with her?” asked Hyojung in an unsure voice.
“She read my diary and now she’s being overdramatic,” explained Binnie, still eating as if nothing happened. It made Jiho even more mad. What did she have to do to get her attention? Why wouldn't Binnie just confess to her instead of writing perplexing stuff in her diary.
“And why do I have to be the one to say I like you?” asked Jiho, and Binnie froze. Hyojung dropped her chopsticks, and Arin choked on the water she was drinking.
Jiho was like that. If something bothered her she’d focus on something else. All day all she talked about was the X when really it wasn’t a problem at all.
Jiho didn't really know how to show affection other than by teasing others. She thought Binnie would understand that when she stole her food or playfully played with her hair she was trying to show her she liked her. She didn’t know how to talk about her feelings, but when she ignored them she just ended up exploding.
Slowly, all the members left the room, sharing suspicious looks between each other, so Jiho and Binnie would be left alone.
“But why can’t you tell me you like me?” asked Binnie, her eyes showing a thousand different emotions at once. Jiho hated that she had hurt her by not being able to show how she felt.
“I like you,” she admitted, and Binnie smiled.
“Finally.”
“You don’t have anything to say?” asked Jiho, offended, and Binnie went back to eating without answering. “Bae Yoobin!”
“I like you too,” said Binnie, and Jiho smiled.
“Also, you’re right. I think I’m a xenophon.”
“The Greek philosopher?”
“I meant xenophobe.” Jiho reached across the table, stealing kimchi, and Binnie pushed her hand away. “Or maybe you meant Xiah Junsu. You’re forgiven, in that case.”
“I meant xerus,” said Binnie and she refused to say more even with Jiho pleading her.
When Jiho looked it up later, she found out xerus the scientific name of a cute type of squirrel found in Africa, and that was okay too. After a certain time looking at its picture, she even believed it looked like her.