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She’s so haunting and dull.
Truthfully, it’s absolutely stupid for Follo to keep these things so close to him on his gaming desk, but they do mean something to him. It’s not a bad thing to keep something special close while you’re just having fun? But wow, she really is a ghost.
It’s been so long since Follo’s seen Zanka. Just a few months ago they made a promise to just move on and forget each other. Yet, day by day, Follo ends up finding another piece of her sticking to him.
A letter, a stuffed animal, a necklace, a sweet drawing. Every second of his day goes into wondering if he should just give it all back to her. It’s nearly been a year since their breakup. Wouldn’t she be pissed to see him?
Doesn’t matter, Follo should be much more mature about the situation. Rather than wishing he was still with the pretty girl he spent most of his life daydreaming about, he should be focused on his current relationship. August is a great guy but Follo isn’t exactly the best for him. Deep down the guy knows it’s true.
He’s too cold. He’s too shut off. Worst of all, he’s constantly comparing August to his old love. Maybe if Follo hadn’t been so frightful of love, he could’ve been a better boyfriend.
Follo’s thoughts always drift to that wilting flower though.
He’s seen recent pictures of her with friends. Or rather pictures of ‘him.’ They crush his soul and he knows they’re crushing Zanka too. What was once a vibrant being figuring themselves and their femininity out is now forced to hide behind masculinity for the sake of having friends. It’s disgusting and they both know it. There’s just no confrontation about it and there never will be.
He’ll tell himself she’s out there. She’s just hiding her true self in order to not be affected by the world. He gets it, truly he does, but after watching her run right back to the friends that treated her like a tool to make fun of… He’ll ponder if she’s ever coming back for real.
Anxiously, Follo reached for the letter sitting next to him on his desk. Cheers to Valentines and cheers to Halloween. It’s the two holidays that meant the most to his love, and the two they’ll never get to experience together again.
That letter used to mean the world to him. To be told Zanka couldn’t live without him and be told she always wanted to be near him. Was it a lie just to stay close to him? Now they don’t even talk. Now Follo can hardly remember the smile she had before she began to hide it out of feeling inferior to others.
If he really was loved like that, he wouldn’t miss her pretty white lies and despise the biggest one she told here.
‘Follo, can you believe how cold my hands are in this heat?’ she’d tease during their classes and practically force them to hold hands. It was adorable.
Or what about when she’s purposefully try new things with him in order to initiate one of those in-direct kisses? That was definitely a little lie Follo really enjoyed.
When he was around her, Follo felt like he was around someone completely different. But maybe that’s because she was someone different with him. Around others, Zanka was the boy they grew up with. Always the fighter, always so brave. Yet around Follo, Zanka was a strong woman who simply wanted to be loved and adored. To be kissed like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
His fingers caressed the wrinkled and old paper. He can’t believe it’s been almost a year already. It feels like just yesterday they couldn’t even kiss because they were laughing so much.
The queue on his video game goes off but rather than paying attention to any of that, his eyes stay glued on to one word.
Halloween.
That night was one of the best nights he’s ever had. Sitting on the sidewalk with Zanka, holding hands and admitting everything to each other. No more hiding their identity, no more denying their love for each other. Who cares if Enjin had a camera right outside the driveway they were in front of? It was a kiss to remember.
“Follo, you there? You’ll get kicked if you don’t move, man,” A voice called out through his headset. Tomme. It’s been years and they’re still friends. One of the few Follo was able to keep after going radio silent. After all the bad situations he ended up in.
He slammed the paper down. “I’m here. I was just thinking.”
“About what? How you’re never gonna rank up?” Tomme joked, already nabbing a few kills on the enemy team.
Follo bit his bottom lip. He looked at the desk holding all of Zanka’s belongings. Was it such a bad idea? “Do you think it’d be wrong to give Zanka everything back? I’m asking cause, it’s kind of… been a year since the whole thing.”
Tomme paused.
“I got told Zanka said some pretty nasty stuff after our falling out. You know after being friends for so long I expected her to just go silent on my name. Not say I used her for sexual purposes and attention and stuff like that!” Follo trailed off. His aim was terrible, mostly because he’s too focused ranting about his ex.
He took a deep breath, “I don’t get it. I told her multiple times I just get scared to love! After what happened last time I guess I got nervous.”
“I never heard her talk like that?” Tomme commented. She’s been around Zanka plenty before and yet she hadn’t heard those words come out of her lips at all.
Follo shrugged despite Tomme not being able to see it through the screen, “Maybe she never did cause we’re mutual friends.”
The stuffed animal of hers tipped over just a small bit from the aggressive mouse movement. Follo scoffed in frustration as it fell down on to his arm. It’s like her ghost. It’s simply there just to mock him and his terrible behavior.
“You should give it back. I mean, after how long it’s been it’s still the right thing to do,” Tomme finally answered. That much is true. No matter how much time passes, it’s much more mature to just hand everything back.
Last time Follo offered to give something back right before saying goodbye though, she told him to just burn it. Was it out of malice or hurt? He was never able to figure it out. Follo understands he was pretty blunt with his words when it came to breaking up but he didn’t think he’d be told to burn all her belongings so they could truly forget each other.
“Maybe.”
Follo swallowed as he looked at the defeat screen on his computer. A mess, he’s a complete mess. All he ever gets are defeats.
He always told himself the world constantly gave him signs. This would just be another defeat, wouldn’t it?
“I think I’m gonna get off. Haven’t we been on for like an hour or two?”
“I think so,” Tomme replied, “Hey, tell me how it goes if you actually give it back!”
Follo sat in silence as the call cut off. The entire thing should be simple. Just give everything back to her. Maybe leave it on her porch and disappear without saying a word. She won’t ever reach out to him. At least that’s what he tells himself constantly.
Slowly, Follo stood up from his desk and opened his closet. He tossed a few clothes around before landing on a simple t-shirt and jeans. The plan is self explanatory. Get a small box and just deliver it and leave like some kind of mailman. He won’t have to worry about anything else, right?
No kissing. No talking about how they miss each other. That absolutely won’t happen.
He opened his bedroom door and rushed to the attic. Gris kept some old boxes up there. It’s possible he can find an old gift bag somewhere. Or hopefully something similar.
Follo hadn’t even kept up with what time it was. One moment he’s playing video games with Tomme in the early morning, and the next Gris is yawning as he gets himself something to drink. Had it been that quick? Zanka really makes time feel fast.
“Are you digging up old stuff you and Tomme used to have again?” Gris yelled from the kitchen.
Follo paused and peeked out the attic door, “No… I’m going to go see Zanka.” The honesty was shy. Follo felt guilty to even admit it.
The older man looked surprised. With how coldly Follo sometimes spoke about Zanka after the relationship, he didn’t quite expect to see his boy running back to his ex. Gris nodded slowly, sipping on his cup of water with wide eyes. “Don’t you hate him?”
“It’s not like that!” Follo quickly deflected, “Look, I have some old stuff I shouldn’t have kept. I’m just gonna return it!”
“And Zanka knows you’re coming?”
The hallway was silent. Of course she didn’t know. They forgot about each other didn’t they? There’s no old friendship before relationship. There weren’t any dates after halloween. Nothing like that happened. That’s gotta be what Zanka tells herself, but not what Follo does.
“It’s a quick drop off. I’ll be done in like five minutes,” the younger frowned. Zanka didn’t live too far away. Follo could probably walk over to her place and just walk back.
Lips went into a thin line as Gris studied Follo and his shame. “Gift boxes are on the upper steps.” He pointed near the actual attic entrance. Yeah, there was definitely a variety of old stuff from Christmas and birthdays up there.
He can’t even tell himself how many boxes he shifted through but eventually he ended up on a rectangular one. Just the right size to hold all her little belongings. The big stuff had been given up on the official day everything was over. The little things still count. They always do. Follo knows firsthand.
“It’s hot out, Follo, don’t be gone for too long.”
In one ear and out the other. Follo rushed back inside his bedroom as he got everything sorted into the small box. The little stuffed animal from her childhood, the drawing of his favorite flower she gave him on his birthday, and the valentines letter. It’s a shame they never got to spend more together like how Zanka had wished for.
Carefully, Follo put the lid back on the box. There needn’t be anything flashy. Just a simple note explaining his weakness should be enough to keep her away. There’s no rekindling after this since every piece of her will officially be gone from Follo’s life. Once everything is returned, it’s like their relationship never even existed. Maybe it shouldn’t have in the first place.
This shouldn’t be long. It’s a simply official goodbye and then he can be done with his entire past. No more Zanka and Follo. They never happened, no matter how much their high school adored their relationship.
Before leaving his room, Follo put on his typical cap. He’s dealt with this heat before. If his head starts sweating then it’s whatever, he’ll just have to get over it like he has to for most things.
“Gris,” Follo called out, opening the front door, “I’ll be back soon, I won’t overheat.”
The two shared a small chuckle before Follo rushed out the door and into the summer heat. She hadn’t left for her school had she? Surely she hadn’t, and even if she did Follo is sure someone would still take the box inside.
It’s rusted and it’s terribly old, but the bike from nineth grade will do just the trick for Follo. Much quicker than walking even if she lives in the back of his neighborhood.
Follo kept the gift box between his thighs as his feet unsteadily pedaled. With how old this entire neighborhood was, the sidewalk made him nervous. All the cracks and bumps were enough to threaten his journey. Maybe he’d tip over and the box would go spilling. He’d get a long cut on his face from it, it’s happened before.
Riding past every house feels like the past laughing at him. Everything makes him think of Halloween. Being called out and teased for holding hands was a shame, but the kisses and love made up for it. If only he was able to keep making it up throughout their relationship with those little things.
He can’t change his past, but he can change his future. Maybe he’ll be a better boyfriend this time.
Follo was about to cross over the pond’s small bridge to head into Zanka’s neighborhood before pausing. Did he really wanna do this? What if she was home right now? She’d probably laugh in his face, or worse just scream at him to go away.
He stayed in his position for a little while longer, completely lost in thought.
It’s gonna be okay, it’ll go the way he wants.
Follo started up his bike again and headed down the bridge, past the neighborhood’s mini playground, and landed right on the sidewalk where they confessed everything.
Here Follo was told by Zanka that sometimes she feels feminine and wrong. This was the same spot Follo told Zanka that’s perfectly fine, and that he’d be in love with her no matter what. He kept his promise, he really did. It just wasn’t the right time for them. That’s definitely the cause.
Follo hopped off the bike and carried the box in his hands. As he approached Zanka’s front door, he kept his head low. Everything was low. Head, shoulders, hands, Follo felt horrible for showing his face again.
He was simply going to place the box on the front steps before the door opened right in his face. Swallowing what felt like dry air, Follo’s eyes locked on to his ex girlfriend. She still looked gorgeous, just a little more shut off than last time they saw each other.
“Follo?” she spoke calmly, “You look…”
Follow frowned. Okay, maybe he changed up a lot. But he’s completely better and healthy now.
The boy nodded downwards toward the box for it to catch Zanka’s attention. “Look, I realized I still had some of your stuff and I don’t think I should. I thought you left for school already and I could’ve just left it on the porch.” Follo spoke frantically. He wanted to get out of here if he was being honest.
“Oh.”
Oh? Why oh? Was she expecting more?
“It’s been years since I’ve seen you. You know you left school early to… what did you do?” Zanka asked.
“I just swapped. I didn’t wanna be there anymore. It wasn’t good for me.”
“Got it,” she trailed off, carefully reaching for the box of her old heart, “I bumped into you right before you left. You looked hurt.”
Follo went silent. If he admits it, is she just gonna run off to the friends and tell them her ex came back and poured his heart out? “I didn’t have friends, Zanka. Unlike you, I had enough self respect to not run back to bad people.”
Harsh. Very harsh. It’s definitely not what Follo intended but goodness he gets so angry thinking about his past friendships. Why could he never had anything real? Why was everything for show or why did they always say he was doing something so bad? He only acted the way they did. That’s how most friendships had to be or, or else you’re a nobody.
“You look fucking dead, like absolute zombie dead,” Follo spat, “They call you all these names, and you just let it happen. They mock your language, your looks. Everything. They hate everything about you, Zanka. Come on, you talk about wanting to be so good and looked up to. What’s with this sudden shame? You think it’s empowering to be a hated man?”
She simply watched him speak.
“You can tell me I was a shitty boyfriend, I know I was. I’m not here because I want you back, I’m here because I feel sorry for you.”
How long until Zanka gives up on hurting herself by hiding her true femininity? They’ve both seen it. The makeup, the admission of wanting to wear women’s clothing. They both know the entire story.
“We are both alone!” Follo raised his voice, “You’re rotting because you won’t accept yourself and the others won’t either.”
“I think I should just take the box.”
“I miss you! I do! But I don’t miss whatever this version of you is because it’s not actually you!” He yelled, “You wanna be your best self but you can’t. You can’t because the best version of you is a woman. You’ve admitted it!”
What Follo was looking at was a man but deep down he knew he should be staring at a woman. The woman he used to sneak off to kiss and touch. The woman he made feel loved by assuring her of her womanhood.
Follo took off his hat and ran a hand through his hair. Oh what a mess he turned everything into. Apparently, he’s still extremely immature.
“Well what about you?” Zanka bit back, “I heard you’ve got this new guy, and that I’m a jerk and that I’m pathetic.”
“You are! You were those things right at the end!”
Silence fell over them for a second before Follo spoke up again, “I’m not in another god damn relationship because I’m still not over you! Whoever told you that is out their mind!”
August loves Follo, but unfortunately Follo only has a heart for Zanka. Years could go by and somehow Follo would still find himself on his knees begging for her attention again. As much as he tries to convince himself he’s over her and wants her gone, he’s only going to fall right back for her.
“You still want me?” Zanka murmured under her breath.
Follo just stared deep into her blue eyes. This heat, both between them and the literal weather, it was driving him insane. He couldn’t even comprehend when Zanka came a bit closer to him.
Chest against chest. Heartbeat slowly falling into sync with one another. It’s just like old times. It’s like when Zanka would lean into Follo, press her lips against his cheek and pretend to whisper in his ear in the middle of class.
This time it’s so very different. She’s close and studying him. It’s like she’s trying to search for change in him just like how he searched for the same thing in her. It’s a momentary bliss, right when their lips meet again.
It’s not clumsy and inexperienced like last time. There’s no more laughing. Follo and Zanka’s teeth aren’t scratching each other as they kiss. They’re not longer bad at it. Forget the camera in the driveway that could easily turn and pick up their intimacy. It’s just like all those times ago.
Follo wrapped his arms around her harshly, and she did the same thing. They never had a proper makeout, always too scared. They never had sex. They always talked about it though, hoping one day they could appreciate each other’s unloved bodies.
They’d touch and kiss. They’d press their thighs between each other. Follo would kiss down her body like she was an ancient goddess blessing him with life. And Zanka would caress him like he was the kindest boy to ever grace her.
The box was forgotten on the pathway into Zanka’s narrow home. All that existed was their bodies against each other and their lips moving together. After this they’d get their dream. They’d run off to Zanka’s home country or just somewhere safer. They’d get to love each other in peace, and they’d grow old together.
They’d have that, but not in this timeline. Maybe not ever actually.
“I’m out my damn mind,” Follo laughed as he held back tears. He gripped the bikes handles and looked down at the box. The boy’s been sitting here for about ten minutes. He’s just been staring down her house and wondering what she might be doing in there.
He’s a total creep. He knows it.
All those months daydreaming of her. No matter how many times he tried to forget her through other people, every thought landed on one person. Zanka.
She’d look good in this. She’d be stunning right there. She’d be perfect in every scenario, but she’s no longer in his life. Follo is just a forgotten person to her. And he was the most disgusting and selfish person to ever step into her life. He could never be a man and truly love her. Romance is just too terrifying.
No matter how much he loves her now, there’s no future of that love. He can keep holding it down and tell himself he wishes she was dead so he could get her out his head. He’ll never be up to her standards. He will never fulfill his needs.
Follo Tunito won’t ever understand love and what it means. How do people do it? Why does he want it so bad if he can’t do it properly?