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"The experiment is complete for today. Take care of the subject, fox."
"Yes, Doctor."
Scaramouche listened to the sound of hard shoes on the tile floor, followed by the opening and closing of a door.
"How are you feeling, Scaramouche?" Dottore's assistant lowered her head, gazing at the floor in a show of respect. It made him want to retch. She was mocking him, surely. And even if she wasn't, he didn't particularly feel in the mood. After all, she participated in these experiments alongside the Doctor.
"Like you give a shit," was his only reply as he sat up, groaning and putting a hand to his head. He always felt awful. He could never decide which was worse either - the way the pain meds made him feel, or the way the experiments felt without them. Not that it mattered what he thought. That was Dottore's choice.
Dottore's assistant was quiet, watching for a long moment. Her eyes were like his own - dulled. That was too bad for her.
"I know how it feels to wake up on that table," she offered. "I understand-"
"You don't understand shit," Scaramouche snarled, jumping to his feet with fury, "fox."
The assistant flinched back, cowering the slightest bit, tail between their legs. Good. They should be afraid of him. But he knew better than to break Dottore's toys. That never earned him any favors, and this was one that Dottore seemed to be enjoying playing with almost as much as he enjoyed fucking with Scaramouche himself.
"What, nothing to say? You're a coward." He dusted his arms off, grimacing. Dottore had bruised him this time. He was lucky that was the extent of it.
"I just see no point in talking to someone who has decided I'm the enemy," the assistant replied flatly. He could see a sharp canine as they seemed to be fighting down a snarl, her teeth partially bared.
"You decided that, when you joined up with Dottore." He turned away from them, grabbing his clothes and slipping off the hospital gown. He began to get dressed, continuing to talk as he did. "At some point, you made a choice that brought you here, as Dottore's assistant. I don't claim to know what it was, and I don't care. But you chose this, and now you're reaping the rewards. You understand nothing."
"…could I not say the same about you?"
Scaramouche froze, eyes going wide. Her words had struck at the core of him. He snarled, his self hatred and self blame bubbling up his throat as if to silence him.
"Go fuck yourself," Scaramouche snapped, slipping on his hat and turning back towards them. He walked past them, taking care to slam his shoulder against them as he did. To their credit, they barely flinched, only stepping back from the impact.
She was nothing like him.
And yet, their exchange would plague him for longer than he would ever care to admit.
"Elizaveta seems to be recovering well," Nahida remarked casually with a small smile. "I'm glad to see she's finding some stability here in Sumeru."
"…that is good to hear. I'm sure seeing Dottore was…difficult for her," Wanderer replied, looking away. Elizaveta. It was easy to picture her in his mind's eye. He had seen her for over a century in Dottore's lab. He had been experimented on by her at Dottore's request, and he had rejected her in no uncertain terms.
He had almost felt bad for her when Zandik had died. But at that time, he had thought it her own fault for getting attached. He knew that feeling all too well, and now he could sympathize. Back then, he had viewed it purely as weakness, and seeing it had reminded him of what he thought was his own failing.
Things were very different now.
"I'm sure she could use someone to guide her," Nahida continued. "I think she would enjoy access to the Akademiya, but she changes the subject whenever I bring it up."
Wanderer snorted softly. "Of course she does. She's much more polite than I am. I told you point blank how unappealing joining was."
Nahida giggled, and Wanderer fought down a smile with great effort.
"I recall. But I was right, wasn't I?" Nahida held her hand out, and Wanderer took it with a gentle sigh. "It's been good for you, because you've worked hard at many aspects of it."
"Yes," he admitted, sighing again. "So are you asking me to be that guide?"
Nahida's smile disappeared, replaced with a thoughtful frown.
"It should be your choice, first of all," she said, meeting his gaze, "but I do think it would be good for the both of you. You probably understand her in a way that very few possibly could."
You understand nothing. Wanderer recalled his cruel words to Elizaveta with ease, despite how long ago they had been. He had refused to acknowledge their similarities whatsoever. He didn't even know why they had been Dottore's assistant, though he had known and chosen to ignore the fact that they were just as much a test subject as he was.
"I suppose that's true," he replied softly. When had he become the kind of person who could acknowledge that?
"Am I wrong in assuming there's history between you two?" Nahida's expression was shifting into concern.
Wanderer chuckled. "You're not wrong. But it's not like she remembers it."
"No," Nahida smiled softly at him, "but you do. Would you be okay with seeing her again?"
Wanderer quieted, giving that some thought. He absentmindedly played with Nahida's small fingers, alternating gentle squeezes and slow rubs.
"Yes," he replied, one hand going to his chin. "I think…that I would like that."
"That's wonderful," Nahida said, smiling brightly. "You've grown so much since you first came to Sumeru."
"Don't start with that," he faux teased, rolling his eyes despite the smile on his lips.
"It's true though! And you should acknowledge it."
"I know." He sighed, still smiling. "The old me- well, let's just say that I had rejected her before. But now…I find that I want to see what things could have been like if I had realized that they weren't my enemy. I want to make amends."
Nahida squeezed his hand gently, and he didn't have to look to know she was beaming proudly at him again. It was a little embarrassing sometimes, even as it made his heart warm.
"I'll arrange a meeting soon. Thank you, Wanderer." Nahida tugged her hand away, and he immediately grabbed the brim of his hat with his now free hand, tugging it down just a bit.
"There's no need to thank me."
When the Dendro Archon had told Elizaveta that she had someone for them to meet, Elizaveta couldn't help but feel a bit trepidatious. She trusted the Dendro Archon irrevocably, but by the same token, Elizaveta didn't feel like she was very good with people. She had been passable with people prior to joining Zandik's lab, but after her time there, she felt that she was far too damaged. She was prickly and on egde, and she doubted she was any fun to be around.
Her experience in the Fatui had left her permanently scarred.
"Don't worry, Elizaveta. This person is kind, even though he gives off a prickly aura sometimes."
Elizaveta wondered if Nahida had been talking about her or the person she was meeting.
"You must be Elizaveta."
Elizaveta sat up straight, looking at the man walking towards her. He was vaguely familiar - she had seen him around the Dendro Archon before. In the chaos that Dottore's Irminsul assault had been, she had never been properly introduced to him.
"Yes, that's me." She didn't bother to force a smile, hoping her neutral face looked less 'bitch' and more 'tired'. "Are you- did the Dendro Archon send you?"
The man nodded. "You can call me Wanderer. Or," his mouth seemed to twitch a bit in an emotion she couldn't quite read, "Hat Guy, if that suits you."
Elizaveta blinked. "Hat…Guy…?"
He sighed. "Sometimes stupid nicknames stick. Anyway," he gestured to the chair across from her, "can I join you?"
"Oh, yes, of course." She was already screwing this up, wasn't she? Maybe it was rude to grab a table at the cafe ahead of time. She wouldn't know, between the foreign country and her own social ineptitude. "Thank you for meeting me."
"It's no trouble."
"…tea?" Elizaveta lifted the teapot, gesturing with it towards the empty cup.
"…sure."
Perhaps ordering for him had been rude, too, Elizaveta thought. It had just been what she wanted to drink, after all. Well, it was too late now. She filled the cup, and pushed it towards him. He took it, lifting it up to smell it.
"Spicy chai. Should've figured a Snezhnayan would go for something like that." He took a sip, humming to himself.
"I suppose it's the closest I can get to a homey taste," Elizaveta replied, frowning just a bit.
"Are you planning to go back?" Wanderer asked. Elizaveta looked away, sucking a breath in sharply. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"No, it's…it's fine. I just," her tail curled across her lap, and she stroked it gently, "don't know if I can."
She picked up her cup, staring into the contents.
"I get it. Returning to a place tainted with bad memories is…difficult. It's not impossible, but if there's no reason…"
His words sounded like someone who understood, and she regarded him suspiciously.
"Do…I mean, did Nahida tell you…?"
"Not much." Wanderer was staring at her, and she looked away. "I know well the Doctor's…methods. He was renowned for his uncaring cruelty. It isn't hard to imagine that you may be left with scars that run deeper than the physical."
"Did you- I mean, were you also…?" Elizaveta knew that asking such a question was a faux pas, but she could hardly help herself. The way this man spoke was only sounding more and more like he understood.
"Not him. Someone else." The words were quick, clipped.
"Oh."
"Uh, look." Wanderer sighed, putting a hand on his forehead for a moment. "I didn't come here to make you think about all of that. What I wanted to tell you was that you can change. Whatever happened in your past…it isn't gone, or meaningless. But it doesn't have to define the rest of your life. It doesn't even have to define the choices you make today."
Elizaveta stared, mulling that over.
"I…but what am I, without those things?" The words slipped out all too honestly. Their cheeks felt hot.
"That's for you to decide." He looked away, sipping at the tea again. "I made the decision a few years ago to redefine myself, and I don't regret it."
"How, though? How do you- how?" Elizaveta leaned forward, tail lashing behind her now.
"I can't tell you what to do or that would defeat the point, wouldn't it?" Wanderer raised his brows at her. "What I suggest? Making friends. Trying new things, even if they sound…unfit for you. Eventually, you'll find the things that stick, and more importantly, you'll find the people you can rely on."
"Hm." Elizaveta leaned back, eyeing their lap. They had spent the last few centuries asleep - they were rusty at just about anything they could think of. All sorts of objections rose within them. I'm bad at making friends, I'm not suited for anything, I'm a broken person.
She silenced them all.
"You can rely on me, whatever you decide. I'll help you."
"Why?" Elizaveta couldn't help but ask the question. "Why would you help me?"
"…because I understand what it's like to wake up," Wanderer's gaze went distant, "and not know how to live with yourself any longer. But I also know that if even I can change, anyone can."
Elizaveta swallowed. That was a challenge if she ever heard one, and it was clear from the look in his eyes that he meant every word.
"I see." She sighed softly. "I…I'll try my best, Wanderer."
"Perfect." He chuckled, offering up a smile that was halfway to a smirk. "In that case, as a fellow foreigner, let me tell you what I've learned about Sumeru in the few years I've been here."
The stars were beautiful in the skies above Sumeru. After months here, Elizaveta had grown used to the way they differed from the view in Snezhnaya. Even so, looking up at the sky for too long alone made her feel a bit homesick, in a nauseating sort of way.
Maybe she had wanted that, tonight.
She had politely declined invites to go out for drinks, making up an excuse about work. In the end, she had climbed up towards the Sanctuary of Surasthana. The Dendro Archon had made it clear that she was welcome at any time, but instead she turned her nightvision to the tree itself, venturing onto the branches to climb ever higher.
Finally, out of breath, she settled on a thick branch, legs thrown over the side as she gazed up at those unreadable stars. Unreadable, and yet fake. That had been one of 35's gifts to her, and she would almost rather not have known.
Knowledge could not easily be forgotten.
"What are you doing up here?"
Her body tensed in preparation of leaping to her feet, but she held herself back. There was no need. There was no danger here.
"Wanderer," Elizaveta said, looking over their shoulder at him. "How did you find me here?"
"I asked you first," he pointed out, though there was little heat in it.
"I was thinking," she replied, looking back to the night sky.
Wanderer floated over to sit down next to her, and she could feel his gaze on her. She didn't flinch, keeping her gaze fixed above.
"About…?" Wanderer was still staring at her.
"I believe it's your turn to answer." Elizaveta smiled cheekily, still not meeting his gaze.
"Are you for real?" Wanderer huffed in annoyance. "Isn't it enough for a friend or whatever to be able to guess?"
"For a friend, maybe. But it's not like I've come up here before." Elizaveta finally met his gaze, raising their brows. He looked a lot less annoyed than his tone would have suggested. This didn't terribly surprise them. Much as he had gotten to know them in their time in Sumeru thus far, the opposite was just as true. "Definitely not for a whatever."
Wanderer rolled his eyes at their final quip. "Someone saw you climbing and was worried. I volunteered to check on you."
"Mm." Elizaveta looked away, pulling both knees up to her chest. "That's kind of you."
"Something like that. So, I'll ask again. What were you contemplating with such a cynical expression?"
Elizaveta stiffened at that. "Well…geez, was it that obvious?"
"I don't think you want me to answer that."
"I suppose I don't." Her ears lowered, tail wrapping around and into her lap. "I was just…thinking about him. Zandik. Dottore. 35." They clutched at their legs tighter, growling quietly. "It's…complicated, for me."
"I can imagine," Wanderer replied, tone soft. They didn't dare to look at him. "Are you…afraid?"
They considered that sincerely for a long moment, before shaking their head.
"No," she said, drawing out her words. "35 had already put me through more than enough. Dying at his hands…it didn't scare me in the slightest. Seeing him succeed, or seeing him fail…it didn't matter."
Wanderer was quiet beside them. So long as he was listening, they felt their walls crumbling just enough to keep going. It had only become more clear to them with time that Wanderer had experienced torturous experiments similar to their own. They didn't know the details, and they didn't need to, or want to.
"When he died - when 35 died - I found myself grieving Zandik all over again." A harsh, awkward laugh came out as a bark from their throat. "I shouldn't have even grieved him in the first place. He- he did awful things to me. And 35 was only like that because- because he was Zandik. But at the same time, he wasn't." She sighed, groaning and putting her head in her hands. "It's confusing. I'm confused! And Zandik, he- he- ugh."
It was difficult to find the words.
"He wasn't always awful." Wanderer's words cut through their thoughts, and they lifted their head, meeting his gaze. "That's what you mean to say, isn't it?"
She sighed, shoulders slumping. "Yeah. Towards the end, he was…I wouldn't even say nice." She snorted derisively, smiling wryly. "He was different. And at times I even…enjoyed his company. Ha!" She hated this feeling. She had done far more than enjoy his company. She had coveted that time in the later years of his life, where something had grown between them. "It's pitiful. Isn't there a syndrome for this behavior?"
"It's not pitiful," Wanderer interrupted. "Sometimes, I didn't hate him. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he had positive traits. His intelligence and vision was impossible to deny." Wanderer's body was visibly tense.
Elizaveta stared at Wanderer. "Sometimes I have to wonder if you aren't sure your person was secretly Dottore after all."
Wanderer chuckled darkly. "Could be, for all we know. It's the same shit either way." His expression hardened again. "And those moments…where he was nicer to you, or you felt something positive for him…it doesn't make what he did right. It doesn't mean you have to forgive him. It's okay to feel…conflicted."
"…thank you." Elizaveta sighed softly, processing that. "I know that. I mean, logically. The Dendro Archon told me as well, that it was…that it was okay. To feel this way. That it didn't change the pain I felt, but it's confusing. I don't understand how I feel. And it hurts." She pressed her forehead to her knees again.
"I don't know when it will stop hurting. I wish I did." Wanderer sighed.
"Yeah. I just…today, I just needed…I don't know. To sit with it? To let myself be confused?"
Wanderer nodded. "To process it. That's how the Dendro Archon explained it to me."
"Yeah."
"I could probably use some of that too. I can leave, if you want, but…" Wanderer furrowed his brow, looking slightly awkward. Elizaveta knew this look on him. It wasn't like being vulnerable was easy for him either. That much had always been clear.
"No, it's…better to have someone here."
"I'm glad you can admit that."
"Only to a friend, I think." She smiled, looking away with a small smile and warm cheeks. A friend. It had been so long since she had had one of those. Out of the corner of her eye, she could swear Wanderer was smiling too.
The both of them fell quiet, searching through their own thoughts. But they were not lost in them, the friend sitting beside them tethering them to this moment and this place, and the people they wanted to be, rather than the people they had once been.