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It’s midnight.
Changbin knows Felix always likes to be in bed by 11:00. But he hasn’t texted. It’s been radio silence on his end for hours now. And Felix knows, logically, that Changbin is probably just busy, focused on one of his midterm projects or in the studio making beats or laying down a new track or something cool like that. But. The anxious little voice in the back of his head is worried.
Changbin hasn’t gone a day without sending him a goodnight text (or at least answering Felix’s with a little heart emoji) since they suddenly became whatever they are now, a kind of attached at the hip, hidden smiles at the sight of each other kind of in-between that doesn’t technically mean anything but has an electric current that sparks when they look at each other for too long.
The point is, Changbin might be dead. And Felix can’t sit in his room not knowing, calling Changbin’s phone only to get Jisung’s voice yelling at him to leave a message because Changbin doesn’t like his voice on the phone but Felix would die for at least that reassurance right now.
Finally, he decides that he’s not going to get any sleep like this anyway. He hauls the covers off, pulls on the nearest hoodie and slips on the sneakers he’d worn to class earlier. He calls one last time, just to be sure, and when the answering machine beeps, he says “Answer your phone, dummy, I’m coming to find you.”
*
The first place he thinks to check is the music building, which is on the opposite side of campus, near Changbin’s apartment that he shares with Chan and some other people Felix doesn’t know. Either way, he can’t control the live wire under his skin that is yelling at him to run. His body feels too big for his skin and he can’t just be.
This is why he’s so grateful for dance, his usual remedy for the shaking in his limbs and the go go go in his thoughts. But now all of his anxious energy is focused on Changbin. He needs to find him. He’s running across campus knowing he’s the most irrational person ever but unable to focus on anything else.
*
When he finally bursts through the music building doors (after swiping his ID card four times because he’s too eager and tries to pull the door open before the card reader flashes green and why is this his life) he is met with a dark lobby and a vague idea of where Changbin’s studio is, having been there a couple times, but both times he’d been with his hyung and hadn’t thought to pay attention to his surroundings. He curses his past self and books it up the stairs. He knows he’ll be on the second floor in his studio if he’s here at all. Please let him be here.
He knocks on the first door by the stairwell, but no one answers. He looks around for rooms that have light poking out from under their doors. He knocks on another door a few paces down the hall and a girl’s voice answers. “Wrong door, sorry!” Felix yells back and scampers away to the next door. He knocks and no one answers. He tries the door and by some miracle it’s unlocked. He pushes into the room and immediately knows he’s in the right place.
It smells like Changbin’s cologne and there are little knickknacks scattered on the desk. The program from Felix’s first dance recital rests against a picture of a pointier, younger Changbin squished between his parents, hideous green graduation cap slightly askew. Felix can’t help cracking a smile at that before turning to the computer setup.
Two monitors play the same generic screensaver, out of sync by a few seconds. Felix moves closer and sees that the chair in front of them isn’t empty like he’d assumed at first glance. Changbin is curled in on himself, balanced precariously over his desk, fast asleep. Felix lets out an amused breath and kneels next to him. He doesn’t want to startle him because with their luck Changbin will fall onto his desk and break his nose (or worse - his computer).
He moves as slowly and quietly as he can bear, taking a few moments to appreciate the softness of Changbin’s face, a calm that he’s never seen before. It’s not the fabricated softness and cuteness of when he does aegyo to get Felix to do something for him; it’s a genuine relaxation that slackens his jaw and smooths out the worry lines on his forehead.
Once he decides he’s looked for too long (it’ll never feel like long enough), he reaches out his hand and cups Changbin’s cheek in his palm, so slowly, trying not to apply too much pressure. Changbin lets out a small puff of air and leans into his hand a bit. Felix feels his heart squeeze painfully in his chest. Changbin’s skin is so soft against his palm. Felix allows himself a few seconds to look at Changbin’s mouth, gently breathing, lips full and just a little bit chapped from the cold weather.
Eventually his arm starts to get tired and he realizes he’s probably being kind of creepy. He places his free hand on Changbin’s chest, right in the center of his ribs, over the Thrasher logo on his dumb hoodie that Felix loves stealing. He pushes, as slowly as he can, using Changbin’s cheek to support his neck, and leans Changbin against the back of the chair, straightening his spine slightly to keep him from falling forwards.
Felix ends a silent thank you to whoever at their college decided these chairs would have wheels.
Keeping one hand on Changbin’s chest and moving the other to the back of the chair, he gently slides Changbin towards the couch on the opposite side of the studio. Changbin lets out a quiet snore and Felix freezes. He checks to make sure Changbin’s still asleep before lining up the chair as close to the couch as he can. It’s then that he realized he hadn’t really thought this part of his plan through.
Changbin is shorter than him, but muscular in ways that Felix tries not to think about too much (once, they had crossed paths at the campus gym and Felix had nearly fallen down the stairs when he saw Changbin’s arms in a tank top).
He tries reclining the chair, but it doesn't go back far enough that Felix could slide him easily onto the couch as he’d hoped. Finally, resigned, he slides one arm behind Changbin’s shoulders, and the other behind his knees. He squats down a bit, trying to use all of the strength he can muster, and lifts Changbin, as carefully as he can, out of his chair and onto the couch. Changbin snuffles a bit and scrunches his face up a bit in confusion once he meets the new surface, but Felix cards a hand though his hair and that seems to relax him again.
By then his exhaustion is creeping back, the anxiety-fueled adrenaline that had carried him now fading fast. He looks at the door. He had run here in 10 minutes, but walking - especially when he’s this tired - could take him twice that. He looks back at Changbin’s sleeping form curling into the back of the couch.
Just a few minutes, he reasons.
He gently settles onto the remaining inches of couch and molds his body to Changbin’s. They’ve cuddled a bit before, and this is basically the same thing, right?
Once they’re flush together, Changbin lets out a sigh that feels loud in the one-sided tension of the room. He slides one of his hands up and down Felix’s back before slinging his arm around his waist and tugging him even closer. Their limbs are curled together, and he can feel Changbin’s every inhale and exhale, tries to mimic the pattern with his own breath but can’t calm down enough because this is Changbin. This is the boy he’s wanted from day one, liked from the moment they spoke for the first time. This beautiful, talented boy who (usually) texts him goodnight every night without fail and likes being a big spoon and takes his coffee with more milk and sugar than actual coffee. He can’t explain the squeezing in his chest as he tucks his head under Changbin’s chin, but he doesn’t stay awake long enough to care.
—
It feels like mere seconds pass before someone is shaking him awake. “Wuh,” he groans, trying to snuggle deeper into the warmth beside him. “Felix wake up it’s almost three o’clock,” Changbin rasps, voice as tired as Felix feels.
Felix groans dramatically and rolls off the couch onto the ground. “Why am I conscious at this hour,” he whines, flipping his hood up and covering his face with his arms event though the room is mostly dark. “Good question, Felix, why are you conscious at this hour and in the music building,” Changbin replies, somehow sassy at ass o’clock in the morning. “Shut uppp, I’ll tell you tomorrow,” Felix groans, “I just wanna go back to bed.”
There are a couple beats of silence before Changbin lifts himself off the couch with a dramatic sigh and reaches for Felix with both arms; “Up,” he says gently, and tugs him into a standing position. Felix stumbles and they end up pressed chest-to-chest with the momentum.
Felix leans forward just a bit, gently knocking his head against Changbin’s and nosing at his hair. He feels Changbin let out a long breath against his neck in response. When they lock eyes, Felix feels like he’s accidentally revealed a secret, one he’s long held pressed between his ribs, one that Changbin probably already knows but doesn’t mention. Maybe this is just another part of him that Changbin silently catalogued without Felix ever having to explain.
“Come to my apartment,” Changbin whispers. “It’s closer and you can make it home before your seminar tomorrow.” Felix nods immediately, the offer too appealing to even consider refusing out of politeness. He knows that if Changbin didn’t want him to come he wouldn’t have offered. He likes that about him.
*
Felix wakes hours later to the pleasant surprise that, somehow, they had both made it to Changbin’s apartment alive.
He can feel the older boy curled against his back, breathing deep and even. He has a leg thrown over Felix’s hips, flannel pajamas pulled taut over muscle. He gently pets Changbin’s thigh, dragging his nails softly over the only part of him that he can see. He zones out a bit, tracing his name into the fabric.
“One more time,” Changbin mumbles, voice sleep-hoarse; “Didn’t get the first part.” Felix feels his ears heat up immediately at the realization that Changbin is awake and it takes him a second to catch his meaning. When he writes F-E-L-I-X, slower this time, he can hear Changbin whispering the letters to himself. His grin turns to a shiver when Changbin presses a soft, triumphant “Felix” against the skin below his ear. Hearing Changbin speak English may be one of Felix's weaknesses.
Felix can hear the smile in Changbin’s voice when he says, “My turn,” and starts tracing shapes on Felix’s back. He writes maybe two lines before Felix blurts out “Changbin!”
“Yah!” the older boy responds and pokes his ribs. “It’s my turn now,” he commands playfully. Felix can’t hide the amusement in his voice as he hums, “Sorry, hyung.”
This time he closes his eyes to better picture the shapes he can feel, but Changbin seems to be writing a full sentence and Felix is lost by the fifth stroke. When he finishes, Changbin makes a small hum in expectation and Felix can only shake his head; “My Korean isn’t that good,” he giggles. He cranes his neck in an attempt to read Changbin’s expression; “What did you say?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Changbin smirks. Felix lets his jaw drop in betrayal and smacks Changbin with one of the throw pillows they’d kicked against the wall sometime last night. Changbin laughs and starts tickling Felix’s ribs. He squirms away with a squeal and ends up dragging the covers with him as he flops to the floor for the second time that day. Changbin starts laughing even harder and Felix throws the covers over him in retribution before running out of the room. Changbin flails, trapped under the blankets, but eventually breaks free to chase after him.
Seconds later they’re both breathless with laughter on opposite sides of the kitchen table, mirroring each other whenever the other tries to move. “Truce?” Changbin asks hesitantly, eyebrow raised and muscles taut, ready to leap at the slightest provocation.
Felix shakes his head and takes off into the kitchen, hoping to make it to the bathroom because it’s the only door that he knows he can lock. His plan fails before he even reaches the door; suddenly he's not running forwards anymore but rather being lifted off his feet and into Changbin’s arms. He starts kicking but Changbin just squeezes him tighter.
When he finally goes limp, Changbin puts him down and traps him against the counter; “Promise not to run?” he asks, a smile still crinkling his eyes even as he tries to look intimidating. Felix pauses as if to consider, then pecks a lightning-fast kiss to the tip of Changbin’s nose. He tries to take advantage of Changbin’s surprise and make a break for it but Changbin just squeezes his hips and keeps him pinned. “Cheater,” he grumbles.
It is of course at this moment that Changbin’s roommate walks into the kitchen looking sleep-rumpled and exhausted. When he sees them, Chan lets out a long-suffering sigh; “I’m going to get my coffee and pretend this never happened, but please, no sex in the kitchen.”
Changbin immediately jumps away from Felix who is too concerned with choking on his own spit to correct him before the boy is already gone.
Changbin drums his fingers on the counter opposite Felix and they both avoid eye contact. Felix lets out a nervous chuckle and rubs at his neck, uncomfortable with the silence; “I guess I accept your truce.”
He hopes that Changbin will just nod, play it off with a laugh, maybe offer him some coffee and never bring up the weird tension blanketing this morning ever again.
Changbin does none of those things.
He doesn’t speak for a while, just stands there looking at the tile under his feet before he walks slowly back into Felix’s space. He pauses, just within reach. He doesn’t put his hands on the counter like before, though.
His eyes meet Felix’s for one heated moment and then he’s reaching up and using his fingertips to lightly graze Felix’s jaw and angle it downwards. He pauses over Felix’s lips for one, two breaths, letting him back out of what Felix knows is about to happen, before closing the distance and pressing a soft kiss to his lips, touch as light as his fingers had been. When he pulls back Felix chases his lips, hand coming to hold his hyung’s cheek and keep him where he belongs.
“Do you mean it?” he whispers.
“Can’t you guess?” Changbin whispers back, a shrug lifting his muscled shoulders.
“Say it anyway?” Felix asks, trying not to look as desperate as he feels. Changbin’s smile is all in his eyes. He moves Felix’s hand off his cheek and holds it between them, palm up. “Only because you didn’t hear me the first time.”
When Felix tilts his head in confusion, Changbin’s smile reaches his lips. “This is what I wrote on your back earlier.” Felix’s heart squeezes tighter than it ever has, his hand shaking in the other boy’s gentle hold. Changbin draws his words syllable by syllable and slowly translates; “I… like you.”
Felix kind of wants to cry for some reason so he wraps his arms around Changbin in a tight hug, resting his chin on the boy’s shoulder. “I like you, too,” he whispers, and feels Changbin shiver.
*
“So… are you going to tell me why we were asleep on a studio couch last night?” Changbin quips, watching Felix blow on his mug of freshly-brewed coffee. Felix immediately feels his face go hot and knows he’s turning red.
“It’s your fault, actually,” he teases, kicking Changbin under the kitchen table. He feels his smile slowly fade as he considers his next words. Gathering his courage, he admits; “You didn’t answer my goodnight text and my anxiety brain convinced me that you were dead in a ditch somewhere. I know that’s stupid but I had to check for sure, you know?”
“Not stupid,” Changbin immediately replies, grabbing Felix’s hand. “I had to silence my phone because Chan and Jisung kept blowing up the group chat and I couldn’t focus. I didn’t realize you’d texted.”
“It’s okay,” Felix shakes his head, squeezing Changbun’s hand. “I think all the stress with midterms and stuff just built up, and not having that one constant in my day was one thing too many.” He curls in on himself, a shield against the vulnerability of the admission.
Changbin nods, a soft look in his eyes as he stands from his chair and wraps his arms around Felix. “Let me help,” he whispers. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there, just tell me, okay?” Felix nods into Changbin’s chest. “Thanks, hyung,” he whispers.
“You wanna skip your morning seminar or are you feeling better?” Changbin asks, pulling back just enough to see Felix’s face. “I’m okay now,” Felix smiles softly.
Changbin turns to check the clock on the microwave. “Alright we’ve got 20 minutes do you want to borrow some clothes?” He pushes Felix’s bangs out of his face and Felix feels his blush return as his heart squeezes. “We?” he asks gently.
Changbin tsks at him through a grin, “Course I’m walking you to class, now go brush your teeth, your breath is awful.” “Oi!” Felix shrieks, shoving Changbin as his hyung laughs at the shocked expression on Felix’s face.
“I’m kidding!” Changbin laughs, reaching to pull Felix back to his chest, but the younger boy dodges, backing towards the bathroom. “No way! Me and my awful breath are no longer interested in hugging you,” he teases, sticking his tongue out and closing the bathroom door.
*
Felix can’t help but pout a little as they approach his seminar hall. Changbin had reached out a tentative hand as they left his building and they've held hands for the whole walk over, ignoring the chill in the air. When Changbin catches sight of his face he smiles indulgently; “It’s only an hour, right?” Felix nods. “Wanna meet me at the coffee shop after?” Felix asks, suddenly shy. Changbin presses a soft kiss to his cheek.
“I’ll be there.”