Work Text:
You have found yourself at an intersection. it’s a choice between pursuing what you want, or keeping the balance of your world safe. Advance to Go and collect $200, or go to jail and let everyone else keep playing. You are head over heels in love with Maya Penelope Hart, and you can’t let anyone know this, or the entire world will literally explode.
Okay, maybe not literally.
But if there’s one thing that you know, it’s that you have to internalize this- bottle it up and slap on a label reading “do not open unless you want your best friend in the entire world to possibly hate you”. It’s the logical choice; disregarding the off chance that hey, Maya is gay too! And she’s also in love with you! And all your friends are totally okay with it! You know that that’s probably just wishful thinking, so you take the safe road and let it be. You don’t poke an angry bear, and you let sleeping dogs lie. You master this, even when it’s unbelievably hard because her eyes are sparkling and staring directly into your soul and she’s grabbing your hand and saying //hey Riles, want to go on an adventure?//, and you might actually die if this girl gets anymore gorgeous. You can’t help but wonder if this is the world’s some idea of a sick joke, putting her soulmate right next to her but making her just inches from attainable and a girl, oh my god.
You realize that logically none of your friends or family seem homophobic, but the anxious thoughts that swirl through your head weave intricate scenes of rejection, disgust, anger, and living on the streets in a cardboard box, all of which seems laughable to a mind unpoisoned by worries and insecurity. When your father is teaching a lesson about the Stonewall riots, you stiffen and freeze in fear throughout the whole hour, eyes glued to his face, desperately searching for any inkling of disgust or hatred for those he speaks of. When you can’t find any, you let out the breath that you’ve been holding and walk with your friends to your next class, legs shaking slightly. When Auggie mentions his new friend Max having two dads, you feel like time has stopped as you analyze his face, your parents’ reactions, clinging tight to yourself until the subject has comfortably passed. Later that evening, you look into Auggie’s sweet face, and decide that even if he did happen to destroy your bear and become a second vessel of your parents’ adoration, he is possibly the greatest little brother you could imagine. You’re not certain if there is a God, but you pray to her (that’s right, God could definitely be a girl! It’s like the science lab all over) that he stays pure and loving to everyone. For the time being, you accept that at the moment, your family seems to be open-minded.
Of course, the idea that both Lucas and Zay come from a pretty typically conservative state fills you with paranoia that they secretly harbor some sort of prejudice towards gay people, but then you scold yourself for ever doubting two of your best friends. Besides, now they live in a state that’s got a huge gay population, so you comfort yourself with the fact that even if they did have prejudices, they would surely be squashed out by now. Smackle, Farkle and Maya never worried you; they’ve grown up in accepting families, and have only ever lived in New York. You are able to exhale now that you’ve gone down the list of the people closest to you, and you can end your anxious wondering. Regardless, you’re still not ready to accept your feelings (which causes a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, because that only leaves one person who’s not okay with your identity- you). You’re always completely accepting of other people, but you’ve always been plagued with insecurities, and this is just one more thing to add onto the heaping list of ways you feel imperfect or inadequate. This realization sits with you for weeks; every time you find yourself willing the blush away from your cheeks when Maya smiles at you, your mind is screaming //homophobe! homophobe!//. When you wake up from a dream about your and Maya’s wedding (it was so beautiful and you were so goddamn happy), you instantly berade yourself for imagining things like this about someone who probably doesn’t feel the same way. You’ve hit a cycle of //gay thoughts, denial, self-hatred, lather, rinse, fucking repeat//.
After three weeks of this self-torture, you decide that you’ve got to accept yourself and end this madness. You let your parents know that you’re going out to meet up with Maya (what’s one little white lie?) and hop on the subway. You find yourself in the city, and you open the door of the LGBT center with shaking hands. As you read through the different books and resources they have, an odd feeling fills you- your head is spinning, but your chest feels warm and glow-y. You especially love reading Alison Bechdel’s graphic novels, and a tear falls onto one of the pages as you realize //oh my god, I’m gay. I can handle this; right? Yeah. this is okay. It’s going to be ok it’s going to be ok it’s going to be ok// until you can’t make out the words anymore because your vision is blurred with hot tears. You go to as many pride stores as you can to secure that feeling, and you buy a rubber rainbow wristband, which feels innocent enough to pass as your own fashion style, but can still remind you of this feeling of identity. As you sit on the seat of the metro on your way home, you spot two women- maybe college age?- sitting together, holding hands and speaking to each other in soft, happy whispers. It feels like something is squeezing your heart and your throat closes; you’re filled with a billion emotions that all translate to //i want i want i want//. You can just imagine yourself and Maya sitting on those seats, holding hands like they often do but with a new meaning, and you can imagine leaning on her shoulder and kissing her cheek and kissing her on the mouth and oh my god, all of a sudden this doesn’t feel like something you can keep bottled up anymore. Even if you get kicked out, even if you never speak to your friends again, you just //can’t// live the way you’ve been living, because it feels like you’re filled to the top and if the lid doesn’t come off you’re going to explode.
You get home and burst through the door louder than you intended, and your parents and brother look up from the table with quizzical expressions. You can hear your pulse ringing loudly in your ears and your heart is beating faster and faster and you suddenly can’t stand it anymore and you hear yourself announcing to your whole family that you, Riley Matthews, are gay. Tears brim in your eyes as your family stares at you in shocked silence for a beat before your parents rush over to you and envelope you in a big hug. Your body shakes with sobs of relief as you cling tightly to them, your father whispering that they still love you and your mother rubbing circles on your back. When you pull apart, Auggie is standing there with wide eyes before he hugs you around the waist and informs you that he doesn’t know why you’re crying, //didn’t you know about his friend Max’s daddies? It’s okay because they love each other, no matter if they’re two boys or two girls or a boy and a girl.// You pull him into a hug, and waves of relief crash through your body that your family knows now, and they’re okay with it, and you’ve never felt more solid about your identity. But you know that there’s five more people (including one very important person) who still need to know.
//epilogue//
The subway doors open, and you walk in hand in hand with Maya. You both plop down onto two empty seats and shrug off your bags (because honestly, why are you taking so many courses that have so many freaking textbooks?). You playfully argue over which restaurant you’re going to for lunch (but Riles, this place has THE GREATEST flatbreads ever, you’re seriously going to die when you have some), before settling the argument and fall into a happy silence. You lean over and kiss a grinning Maya’s cheek, feeling happier than you'd ever imagined you could be. As you exit the metro with the throng of other New Yorkers, you step out into the autumn sunshine with your amazing girlfriend by your side, and you both take on the world together.