Work Text:
June 1st, 2014
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEE-
Jay hits his alarm, and forces himself to get out of bed. He was having another one of his piano dreams again, where he’s famous and adored by everyone. It’s a recurring dream, one that he wishes he could never wake from. As a kid, he promised himself that he’d make it a reality one day.
That day might never come. For the past 5 years, he’s been stuck in dead end jobs, and he’s barely been able to play piano. When he does, he makes beautiful melodies that are heard by nobody but him. One time, he played with the windows open, but all he got was a noise complaint.
He wasn’t even that loud.
At least he’ll be around music at his new job. A waiter at the Rivoli. He wonders if the employees are allowed to watch the performances. As he gets ready, he imagines an impossible scenario. This band’s pianist is sick! He just collapsed! Is there anyone here who can play piano?
Here comes Jay McCarrol, piano player extraordinaire! Everyone’s amazed at his playing! The band fires the other pianist, and they hire him. Jay becomes the most popular member of the band! He leaves them, and has an incredible solo career! Everyone in the world loves him!
Yeah, that’ll definitely happen. He looks at himself in the mirror before heading out. He’s wearing a boring black shirt and brown pants. His hair is messy because he doesn’t have any time to care for it. He has eyebags from sleepless nights. His beard is patchy. This isn’t the worst he’s looked, far from it.
He grabs a granola bar, and heads out, before going back in to get his nametag. He falls asleep on the bus, and almost misses his stop. Queen street is bustling when he gets off. There’s something interesting everywhere you look. A man plays guitar outside the Rivoli, and Jay considers giving him money. He reminds himself that he can’t spare much, so he just gives the man a toonie. The man smiles, and Jay smiles back.
He manages to make his way to the employee’s only area, and tries to talk to some of his new coworkers. Some of them say hello, but most ignore him. One of them tells him to check in with Vince Valence. He walks into Vince’s room, and he instantly feels cold. Why the hell does he keep the temperature so low?!
“What?!” Vince says when he finally sees Jay. “Are you the new employee?”
“Yeah. I’m Jay McCarrol. I’m excited to start working here!”
“Well, get to work! You work outside.”
“That’s great!”
Jay leaves Vince’s room, and he can hear the other employees giggle. He realizes it’s directed at him. It reminds him of when he was in school, and people made fun of his nose. Maybe this job is given to employees that Vince just fucking hates. Whatever, at least there’s music out here.
He sets up the tables, and people soon file in. Jay settles into a steady rhythm of taking orders and bringing people their food. He looks at the bands for tonight, and it’s not any he likes. For a while, nothing interesting seems to be happening, like every other job Jay’s worked at.
A man walks up to the Rivoli in a fancy suit. He has dirty blonde hair, and is wearing sunglasses. Jay figures that he’s a food critic or something. There’s a guy with a camera in the distance, but Jay doesn’t pay him any mind.
“What would you like?” Jay asks when the man sits down.
“I’d like a burger.”
Jay takes his order, like everyone else’s. When the food is ready, he takes it out and serves everyone. He starts taking a few more orders, when he hears the man spit out his food. Jay tries to ignore him, but he’s causing a fuss.
“There was rat shit in this!” The man points to a brown thing on the plate. “I’m going to give this place a bad health inspection rating!”
“I’m sorry sir, I’ll-“
“UNLESS… you give Nirvanna the Band a show at the Rivoli tonight!”
Jay’s not sure how to react. This guy both fascinates and terrifies him at the same time. He does the only thing he can do: take the man’s plate back to the kitchen. He gives it to the chefs, who look annoyed at his very presence.
“A customer said this had rat poop-“
A cook takes the plate from him, and inspects the brown thing. She picks it up, which almost causes Jay to gag. It turns out to just be play dough. The chef sighs.
“Did this customer say anything else?”
“He wanted Nirvana to have a show here tonight.”
“Oh, you’ve had your first Matt experience. In the future, don’t even humor him.”
“Why?”
“He thinks he can get a show! He doesn’t even have a real band!” She laughs. Some of the other chefs join in, and Jay feels like he’s just stumbled onto an inside joke.
Jay goes back to work, and tries to forget all about Matt. But he keeps popping back into his mind. He guesses it’s just a side effect of working here. His fascination will probably be gone in a week. Matt’ll become just another part of working at the Rivoli, and Jay will learn how to ignore him.
He expects to have the piano dream again that night, and he sort of does. This time, he’s just playing piano for Matt, who is writing something on a whiteboard. Matt is the only one that hears the music that Jay plays, but he doesn’t mind. It’s only meant for him, after all.
Jay’s had dreams like this before, usually when he starts new jobs. Eventually, they become part of his audience. They clap and cheer for him, which they would never do in real life. For some reason, he feels like Matt would cheer the loudest.
—
It’s been 4 weeks.
Jay’s fascination with Matt has not waned. Rather, it has grown out of control. He eagerly anticipates Matt’s arrival every day. The other Rivoli employees do too, but in a different way. They’re betting on terrible things happening to him, which Jay doesn’t participate in. In fact, he doesn’t really get along with anyone.
His dreams with Matt haven’t stopped either. Most of the time, they’re snapshots of a life with him. Other times, they’re just random dream adventures. In every one of them, Jay has dedicated his life to chasing after this strange man for the rest of time. No job, just Matt forever and ever.
Something’s come over him, and he doesn’t fully understand what it is. It’s a mix of fear and curiosity. Jay’s terrified of what he’ll do next, but that’s also what he wants to see. He’s like a fox in those old stories, a trickster that can never be caught. The hunters try to shoot him, but he always gets away just in time. An endless cycle, until one of them dies.
Jay’s a rock the fox ignores. Sometimes he hides behind it, but he usually just goes on with his day. Jay should be happy with this, but something inside him yearns for more. A less rational side of him, the part of him that wants to play video games all day and only eat candy. The part of him that just wants to sleep forever and ever.
It wants Jay to talk to Matt, to get to know him better. Jay doesn’t want to, but it’s getting harder and harder to say no. He’s considering it, weighing his options. Vince probably isn’t gonna fire him for just saying hi to the guy. It’ll just be a simple hello, nothing more than that.
On the bus, he thinks about all the outcomes of doing this. His mind goes in wild directions, some more outlandish than others. In most of them, Matt says hi back, and then nothing happens. In a few, they have conversations of varying length. In one, they become friends immediately.
That’s not going to happen, Jay tells himself.
He waits for Matt to arrive while he works, and he doesn’t have to wait for long. He gets off the bus, and he looks like Willy Wonka. He has a fake mustache and a cane. Jay takes a deep breath, and he walks up to him.
“Hi, Matt.”
Matt looks surprised, like he didn’t expect anyone to see through his disguise. He regains his composure rather quickly, and tries to walk away from Jay. That’s where the conversation should end, but Jay can’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.
“What’s today’s plan?”
Matt ignores him, and instead heads inside the Rivoli. Jay follows him, and finds him in Vince’s office. They’re having a convo about Matt buying the Rivoli, and Vince is pretending to care. They come to some sort of an agreement, and Matt leaves satisfied. He briefly glances at Jay when he walks out. Vince mumbles something that Jay can’t hear.
“Get back to work.” Vince says sternly when he sees Jay.
Jay does so. He keeps thinking about Matt the rest of the day. Talking to him once wasn’t enough, that side of him wants more. Jay ponders if doing this is even worth doing. Maybe one day, both of them will come to their senses. Matt will stop showing up, and Jay will forget him. Then Jay will become the most famous piano player in the world, and Matt will show up-
He tells himself to stop, but he won’t listen. It’s impossible for him to stop thinking about Matt at this point. Why did he choose the place where Jay works?! He could’ve chosen to harass any other bar with a stage in Toronto! What’s so special about this one?! Why can’t he just be a normal person like everyone else?!
Jay tries to calm himself down, but the thoughts remain. When he goes to sleep that night, he dreams of Matt. This time, they’re in their early 20s, wasting the day away. Jay wants these to stop, but that’ll only happen if he reaches some unspecified goal with Matt.
Jay wakes up just to cry. There’s something wrong with him that can’t be fixed. So he lets himself break into a million pieces.
—
Every day, Jay says something to Matt. Sometimes, Matt says hello back, but that’s all he says. Then he goes on with his day, while Jay cannot. He has to force himself to look away from Matt while he works. Days when Matt isn’t at the Rivoli turn into a blessing for him, but even then he’s plagued by thoughts of him.
The worst part of all this is that he can’t tell anyone. Not Matt, not his mom, not anyone at the Rivoli, not even a therapist. They’ll think he’s some crazy stalker, and he’ll get put in some place forever. Locked in a padded room, away from everyone else. No more sunlight, no more piano, no more Matt.
The only way to stop this is death.
Jay isn’t that desperate though. Not yet, at least. Maybe in a few more years, when he’s done with everything and everyone. No one’s gonna miss him, other than his mom, and his piano. He probably won’t even go to heaven or hell, he’ll just be trapped in limbo forever. He’ll be tortured with thoughts of Matt for the rest of time.
He gets out of bed, and walks to the bus station. It’s September now, which means the world is becoming grey and lifeless. It’s probably gonna rain today. Jay brought his coat, just in case. He wonders if there will be lightning, and if the lightning will strike him down. Or maybe it’ll strike Matt down, and then maybe Jay will finally stop thinking about him. No, he’ll just see Matt’s rotting corpse instead.
He clocks into the Rivoli, and notices there’s already Halloween decorations up. Those appear earlier and earlier every year. Jay doesn’t really mind, because that means the big bags of candy are in stores. He loves buying them, and sometimes he eats them all in one go. That doesn’t happen very often though, because he feels horrible afterwards.
His mind serves him an image of him and Matt eating the candy together, and Jay hates it. He hates that this is his life now, he can’t think about anything. He’s never alone in his thoughts, Matt always has to be there. He’s never alone while he works, Matt always has to be there. He gets a hold of himself before he can spiral, and heads to his shift.
Matt comes around noon, dressed like a child’s idea of an electrician. He’s carrying two boxes. One is a toolbox, and the other is a cardboard box. It looks pretty heavy, but Jay thinks he’ll probably get fired if he helps him. One of the cameramen, the one with the curly hair, is carrying a ladder.
“Good afternoon, Matt.”
“Good afternoon.”
He gets back to work, and tries to bury his interest in this plan. None of them are interesting, and none of them will work. Matt’s just a crazy person, like you. You’re both crazy, you’re both like each other. Talk to him again, talk to him again. Talk to-
“Are you sure this plan will work?” Jay asks, not expecting an answer.
“Yeah.” Matt says.
Jay gets back to work, and he hears Matt walk up the ladder. Then he suddenly stops, and he turns to say something.
“Why do you talk to me every day?”
Jay’s eyes go wide, and it feels like he’s frozen in time. He has to figure out a response that won’t scare Matt away. No, he has to scare Matt away. No, you goddamn idiot, you’ll still think about him. It doesn’t matter what you say, just say something. Don’t talk at all. Talk now, talk right now.
“I have nothing better to do. Seeing you is the best part of my day, honestly.”
“Really?!”
“Yeah.”
“Your life must be pretty boring then.”
“It is. Honestly I thought this job-“
“Can you take my order already?!”
Jay snaps out of whatever this is, and takes the customer’s order. Matt heads up to the roof to do whatever his plan is. Jay plays what they said over and over, trying to discern meaning from everything. Maybe he should just give up talking to him, yeah that’s it. Nothing good is going to come from this. He’s going to get fired, and then he’ll just sulk at home, tortured by thoughts of this f-cking loser.
3 hours later, Matt comes down from the roof. He looks happy, so maybe the plan is a success. Maybe he will get a show, maybe Vince will be generous today. Maybe Jay can watch the show, and he’ll be up front, and he’ll see everything that Matt does. He wants to punch himself in the face for even thinking these thoughts.
Matt walks up to him. Why? Can’t he see that Jay is just some crazy guy?! Someone who’s completely obsessed with him?! Jay attempts to bury himself in his work, but nobody is sitting outside. He finally realizes that it’s raining, and admits defeat. He turns to face Matt, who has a neutral expression on his face.
“Hey look man, I’m really sorry-“
“You’re fine dude.”
Both of them stand in the rain, not saying anything to each other. They don’t even look at each other.
“Honestly, I like seeing you too.”
“You’re just saying that-“
“No I’m not! You’re the only employee here that’s actually nice to me!”
“But I don’t do anything! I just say stupid sh*t to you every day!”
“You aren’t laughing when my plans fail. You aren’t rooting for something horrible to happen to me.”
“But that’s the bare minimum!”
“That’s enough for me.”
“Well, you’re welcome. I guess.”
Matt smiles.
“Well, I’ve probably kept you long enough. See you tomorrow!”
A switch goes off in Jay’s brain, and he gets an idea.
“Wanna hang out sometime? Maybe at your place?”
“Uh, sure. It’s 107 Shaw street!” Matt says as he runs off.
Jay etches those words into his mind. He just stands in the rain for a while. He’s crying, but nobody else will ever be able to tell. A sign falls from the roof, advertising Nirvanna the Band.
—
107 Shaw street is a nice brick house with three floors. It’s the type of house that Jay has always wanted, but has never been able to afford. How could Matt even afford this place?! Did he inherit it? Did he get a loan? Wait, is this really his house, or is it another plan? God, why does he spiral like this?!
He knocks on the door, and he hears Matt rush to open it. He happily welcomes Jay inside, and Jay is awestruck. Movie posters line the walls, he has hundreds of vhs tapes, and there’s a crt with an N64. This is a well loved home, compared to Jay’s boring apartment. The only interesting thing in there is his piano.
There’s a bunk bed. That seems excessive for just one guy. Maybe Matt just likes sleeping like that. His eyes drift to a spot in the room that’s strangely empty. It’s the perfect spot for a piano. Maybe he should bring the piano-
No.
Don’t ever think about that. He’ll break it, and then you’ll hate him. That means you’ll keep thinking about him.
“So, what do you want to do?” Matt asks.
“I don’t know.”
“Wanna watch a movie?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
Jay looks through all the movies Matt has. He has good movies, bad movies, and movies that Jay has never heard of. He finds Back to the Future. A classic, and one that he loves. Seems like a good choice.
“Let’s watch this!”
“Ooh, that’s one of my favorites!”
Jay pops it in, and gets on the couch with Matt. It’s a very soft couch, unlike the one in his apartment. It’s been worn down, and the springs seem to be broken. What the hell is he getting up to here? Whatever, the movie’s starting.
Jay has a fun time, which surprises him. Matt’s much more enthusiastic than him, but he doesn’t mind. He suddenly realizes that he hasn’t watched a movie with anyone in years. He’s strangely glad that it’s with Matt.
You shouldn’t be glad. You’re a weird creep, with weird dreams. You’ve inserted-
Shut up.
When the movie ends, Jay turns to face Matt, who he expects to be happy. Instead, he’s a mix of contemplative and sad.
“What’s wrong?”
“I haven’t watched a movie with another person in a while.”
“Not even with the camera guys?”
“They aren’t my friends. I just pay them to film me.”
“Oh. Well, it was fun hanging out with you.”
“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
Jay heads to the door, and just stops. He doesn't want to leave, he just wants to stay here with Matt. He wants to live here with him like in his dreams. His apartment sucks anyway. The rent is too high, and the only thing he cares about is his piano. His piano can come live here with them. He’ll play it again, and it will no longer be dusty.
But there’s something preventing him from fully committing to the idea.
“What, you decided you wanna live here?!”
“No. Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“Fuck do you mean by that?!”
Rip the bandaid off, Jay. It’s for your own good.
“I can’t stop thinking about you. Ever since we first met, all my dreams have been about you and I! We’re friends in them!” Jay starts crying.
He waits for Matt to be mad at him. He’s going to kick him out, and never do a Rivoli plan again. No, he’ll just get a new job, and then he’ll buy a gun, and then-
“I’m in the same boat as you.”
“What?! When did it start?!”
“The day you first started working at the Rivoli.”
Jay doesn’t know if anything is real anymore. He pinches himself to make sure he’s not dreaming, and sure enough, he isn’t. He sits back down on the couch with Matt, and just stares off into the distance. Of course it would be something like this. Of course they’re destined to be together. Of-
Matt gives him a hug. It’s just like in Jay’s dreams. Not too loose and not too tight. A perfect hug. It’s what he needed, and what he wanted. They’re finally together, and nothing can ever change that.
“I want to be with you forever.”
“Me too, Jay. Me too.”
“I can’t wait to do all these plans with you.”
“Honestly, I was going to give up on them.”
“Why?”
“They felt pointless. They’re more fun with someone alongside you.”
Jay decides not to leave, and sleeps in the bunk bed. He takes the top bunk, and he has no more dreams of Matt.
—
When Jay goes to the Rivoli the next day, he doesn’t go to his shift. Rather, he goes to Valence’s office. Valence is annoyed at the fact that he isn’t working.
“McCarrol, get back to work.”
“Actually, I quit!”
“Why? Found a place that pays better?”
“No. I joined a band. Maybe you’ll see us here someday.”
Valence puts two and two together.
“Get the fuck out.”
Jay happily leaves the Rivoli, ready to live out the rest of his life with Matt. There are no plans today, because they’re moving Jay’s stuff to their house. His consoles and the piano. He’s excited to start playing it again for Matt. He’s a bit worried that something bad will happen, but Matt’s assured him that it’ll be alright.
He goes back to his apartment one last time. He’s never made any good memories here, it’s all just a blur. Sleepless nights, horrible meals, and cable tv. He’s happy to leave it all behind in this new life of his. He goes out the door, and doesn’t look back.
He walks up the steps of his home, and opens the door. Matt and his piano are waiting for him. He sits at the piano, and improvises a wonderful song. He’s still got it, and that makes him happy. Matt listens happily, losing himself in the music.
“You’re incredible!”
“Thanks, it’s a natural talent.”
“I can’t wait for the Rivoli to hear you.”
Jay smiles, and goes back to playing. Matt explains a new plan for tomorrow. For the first time in his life, Jay feels like he has a purpose. He’s no longer a cog in the machine, he’s something else entirely. After Matt’s done, they play video games for the rest of the day. Every day should be like this, and it will be.
—
A year later
Jay awakens to the sound of fellow birds outside. It’s still so early, nobody else is awake but him. He goes back to bed, ready to drift off back to sleep. He gets about 5 minutes of it, before he realizes Matt isn’t sleeping with him.
“BIRD!”
“What, Matt?”
“I have the best plan ever!”
He got out of bed, and went to his piano. The keys were no longer covered in dust, and there were little trinkets on top of it. His favorite was the strange bootleg Pinkie Pie with the horn that Matt had stolen from someone. He never said who.
Jay played the Zelda field theme as Matt explained his plan. They were going to get band photos taken of them, because that’s what all bands do! Then the Rivoli will have to give them a show! Jay thought that sounded pretty good, and went to get ready for the day.
He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. Over the course of a year, his appearance had changed for the better. His hair was now a perfect swoop, his eyebags were gone, and his beard was perfectly trimmed. He smiled at himself.
He decided to bring his leather pants to the photo shoot, just so they had more options. They were getting kinda small, but it was probably fine. When he walked out, Matt was making breakfast. The sounds of the stove were music to Jay’s ears. Well, when it wasn’t on fire, of course.
“You look so beautiful Birdie.”
“I look like I always do!”
“Because you’re always so beautiful!”
“I know what you want. Just give it to me.”
Matt gave Jay a little kiss. It had been 2 months since he had told Jay how much he loved him. Jay was grateful, because that meant Matt could pamper him more. He gave Jay anything he wanted, which was usually just candy and kisses. He could never get enough kisses.
As they ate breakfast, Jay imagined a world where he didn’t get a job at the Rivoli. It was boring and Mattless, so he didn’t think about it for long. He liked focusing on the present more, because Matt was there. Matt and the band was all he cared about nowadays, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.