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Lan Sizhui had just exited the lecture with his friends in tow, leading his way to the dorms when he almost walked in through a tree; "Watch it!" Jin Ling pulled on his arm, frowning at him when he saw him shake his head dazedly, "What happened?" Lan Jingyi asked worriedly, his eyes checking over his body in fear that he might be injured and not telling anyone about it.
Lan Sizhui didn't want to tell them what was wrong- more like he didn't know what was wrong and did not know how to tell them, "I'm alright, guys, let's go," he brushed it off, smiling assuringly at them before stepping aside Jin Ling to walk with him. Seeing Lan Jingyi give him one more look, he walked off with the others, hearing Jin Ling if he was truly okay once again.
Truth is, he isn't. He doesn't even know why or what caused it, he just doesn't feel like smiling, or talking to anyone. It was truly strange as to why he felt like this, it's seldom that he felt like curling up and staying in bed all day without seeing or talking to anyone, and it was even more seldom that he hadn't even got a clue as to what triggered this feeling. Lan Sizhui did not like it, and he most definitely did not like how he wanted to distant himself away from people.
He knew he was drowning himself in a bad place in his mind, and that he wanted to shut that door on himself- but he didn't know how to stop it. "H-Hanguang-Jun!" Jin Ling piqued from beside him, realizing he had lost himself in his thoughts once more. Looking up to bow properly to Lan Wangji, he saw the subtle worried stare that was directed to him, and felt his heart drop.
"Jin Rulan, Sizhui," Lan Wangji acknowledged, looking once at the latter before returning his gaze to his son, as if asking a silent question of 'Are you alright?' Lan Sizhui nodded slightly, unknowingly dismissing his worry and attention at once.
(Something he did as he unconsciously belittled himself of worth and deserving coming from others- degrading himself because he dared believe someone as prestigious as Hanguang-Jun would actually care about a filthy Wen dog, let alone adopting him because he cared. Though, he doesn't know he's doing this to himself, nor does he know what it is; he thinks this is normal, that this is what everyone thinks and believes at times, when it's not.)
Excusing himself, Jin Ling dragged Lan Sizhui back to the dorms hurriedly, still feeling the mighty and terrifying glare of Lan Wangji boring into his head.
Nighttime arrived, nearing curfew when Lan Jingyi heard a knock coming from the door. He looked over at Lan Sizhui, sighing worriedly once more when he saw him curled up on the bed quietly. He got up to answer the door, letting out a gasp when he saw who was in front of him.
"What can I do for you, Hanguang-Jun?" Hearing that, Lan Sizhui rose up and off his bed, making his way to stand behind the screen divider and eavesdrop (yes, he'd breaking a rule, but whatever) on them. "Where is Sizhui?" Though Lan Jingyi didn't have any right to deny him he was still protective of his dear friend, and unfortunately, or not, he had his foot in his mouth and blurted out before realizing, "Why do you want him? It's almost curfew," seeing the pained grimace on his friend's face, Lan Sizhui appeared from behind the screen and showed himself to the both of them, Lan Wangji immediately furrowing his brows.
"Come to the Jingshi with me," said Lan Wangji, surprising Lan Sizhui and making Lan Jingyi choke on something. Nodding, Lan Wangji waited outside the room whilst waiting for his son to put on his outer robe, headband and shoes before making his way out and walking in step with him.
No one talked the whole walk, the only noises that could be heard was the serene breathing of both men and the slight shuffling of feet on the pavement- which resulted Lan Sizhui to get lost in that dark space once more.
He wasn't afraid of Lan Wangji, per se, it was more like him being seen as a product of his teachings and raising, and him thinking he was unworthy of them, let alone be known for it. He firmly believed (yet again, he thought this was normal, that these thoughts occured to everyone) that Lan Wangji took him in for the sake of something, though that something was to make him gain face.
He wasn't stupid nor was he oblivious. He is aware of the stares and the whispers about Hanguang-Jun, the Second Jade of Lan, son of Qingheng-Jun, being affiliated with a Wen remnant child, going as far as adopting him and giving him the Lan surname and how disdainful and unorthodox it was. Lan Sizhui was aware of his great-uncle's (he doesn't call him that to his face, only Lan-laoshi) distaste for him when he was younger, ignoring him like a plague and going as far as telling young him how he was unwelcome in this sect.
Lan Sizhui is aware, of how undeserving and how unwelcomed he is here, though he tries. He tries to show how grateful he is, how grateful he is for being given a second chance despite his background, to show appreciation to Lan Wangji for giving him a home, a sect, education and love, to show how grateful he is for his friends, Lan Jingyi for not judging him or disregarding him because of his blood, Jin Ling for not stabbing him as soon as he knew of his true self, for not hating him with knowing how his ancestors killed his parents.
He tries and tries and tries, and in the end, he feels his emotions overwhelm him, and he cries. He cries endlessly, not knowing Lan Wangji had stopped and looked at him shockingly, had asked him a question- until a hand touched his face. Lan Sizhui looked up then and started apologizing profusely, "Forgive me, Hanguang-Jun, for letting you see such a miserable sight, this lowly one apologizes," but he is cut off when he heard the other speak, "A-Yuan."
Hearing his name, his eyes widened at the soft look in Lan Wangji's eyes, "It is alright, we are here," he pulled him in through the door and kneeled down, making Lan Sizhui gasp sharply when Lan Wangji took both his hands and let them rest on his shoulders, and proceeded to take off his shoes. "H-Hanguang-Jun?!" Looking up at him from where he's kneeled down, Lan Wangji sternly said, "I want to do this, it is alright."
Standing up, he pulled him in by his hand, causing Lan Sizhui to squeak at the touch, and was pushed down to sit behind the low table in the Jingshi, followed by Lan Wangji sitting beside him. "A-Yuan," turning his head at hearing his name, Lan Wangji raised his hands to his head to remove his headband, making him stare embarrassedly at such action, though letting him do so.
Once removed, Lan Wangji folded it and placed it down onto the table, his hands moving to brush his bangs behind his ears, and then going to sit behind him to remove his hair from it's updo. Throughout this whole process, Lan Wangji had been quiet, gentle and soft movements were the only sources of sound in the room, whilst Lan Sizhui tried not to physically melt into a puddle right then and there from how embarrassed he felt.
Once his hair was down, Lan Wangji stood up to get the jade comb from his nightstand, returning to sit down behind him and proceeded to brush his hair softly- Lan Sizhui couldn't deny how nice and comforting this felt, a familiar and nostalgic feeling blooming in his chest at the action. He felt his tears subside, his breaths coming out in even exhales and felt his eyes droop slightly.
Realizing this, he opened his eyes, unconsciously reprimanding himself at such audacityin front of Lan Wangji, no less, and felt his back and shoulders tense. Setting the comb down, Lan Wangji spoke softly, "Show me your face, A-Yuan," at the gentle command, Lan Sizhui automatically turned around and faced him, head bowing down in shame. "Look at me, bunny," hearing the old nickname, Lan Sizhui shot his head up in alarm, his face burning at being called that at his current age.
Lan Sizhui saw him lean in, causing him to shut his eyes tightly in expectation of something horrible, when instead he felt a gentle peck placed on his forehead. "Open your eyes, bunny, look at me," Lan Wangji commanded gently, leaving an open option for him to keep his eyes closed as well. In the end, Lan Sizhui opened his eyes and dared to look at his face, expecting to see anger or disgust, but instead was met with pure love and fondness. Lan Wangji opened his arms slightly, inviting him into his arms with a confirming nod when he his son hesitate greatly.
He moved slowly, cautiously, thinking this is just one big prank to hurt him and fuck him over, when it wasn't. He made his way to brush his shoulder against Lan Wangji's timidly, feeling his arm loop around his shoulders and pulling him snug, his face going in to hide in Lan Wangji's neck. The smell of sandalwood and faint tea herbs comforted him slightly, relaxing his shoulders a tad bit.
"Do you think of me as your father, A-Yuan?" Hearing the question, he froze. In the eyes of outsiders, it is obvious that he would be acknowledged as his father or parental figure. Though he himself knew that yes, logically, he is his father, he mentally didn't want to taint Lan Wangji by admitting it. He didn't want to dirty his image and make his small (he thinks it's small, almost non-existent) amount of love he had for him to disparate.
So, he left the question unanswered as he snuggled more firmly into comforting arms. "I want you to listen to me," Lan Wangji started, continuing after feeling his son nod, "You are my son. I did not give you a second chance, nor a home, nor a sect, nor a headband, nor me as a father to prove something to others." Lan Sizhui couldn't feel his heart anymore from how hard he was beating, 'how did he know what I was thinking my whole life so easily?'
"I took you in and claimed you as mine because I wanted to. I gave you a home because I could. I gave you my surname because you are my son. I do not, and have not ever cared that you are a Wen, I care that you are a good person at heart, that you are a loyal and flail son, friend, brother and person. I care that you are happy here, and if you are not, it is okay," Lan Wangji felt his neck becoming damp, his heart aching even more than it was.
Lan Wangji knew what his son felt, knew what he thought, knew him like the back of his hand- because of how similar he was to himself. He didn't want to regret not knowing his son was in pain and him not knowing what to do or how to comfort him.
"You remind me of my soulmate, bunny," Lan Sizhui secretly was surprised, thinking that even Lan Wangji can have someone he holds dearly to his heart, though he wanted to ask where was she, he knew better than to be invasive. "He's gone, though," the wistful lilt in his voice made Lan Sizhui's heart clench, hating to hear his- (his what?) Lan Wangji like that, and pretending not to feel bewildered at the fact that it was a 'he,' like himself.
"He was always smiling, never once you would see him without seeing that bright grin on his face alongside him. You are the same, A-Yuan. Though he was mischievous and rowdy, he would always stand in the prejudice's face and fight them, stand his ground and complete justice for the wronged and the weak. Never once would he leave a problem unsolved, as carefree and free spirited as he was," Lan Wangji smiled sadly at the memory, brushing his hand through Lan Sizhui's hair absentmindedly.
"He... He was the one who took care of you, before I did," Lan Wangji confessed, looking down at Lan Sizhui's scowled face. "What?" Lan Wangji tried not to smile widely, composing himself before answering, "Mn, I feel like that is why you are so similar to him, and the random outbursts of nostalgia you feel when a certain something happens could be from the times you spent with him," Lan Wangji finally smiled at the blush adorning his son's face, going back to hide himself in his neck.
"After all, it is normal what you are feeling, and it is normal what you are thinking- however, do not let it become the truth, because it is not. You are worthy, and you are deserving. Nothing will ever make you believe otherwise because I will not let it. I am your father, and you are my son, A-Yuan. You deserve more than what I gave you, and I will try harder, as you are, too," feeling his son try and conceal his sorrowful sobs, he straightened him up and planted him on his lap, arms wrapping themselves around him and rubbing his back gently, rocking him slowly.
"Baba?" Lan Sizhui had called out, his face still tightly tucked into Lan Wangji's neck, his arms going around his shoulders and holding tightly despite his initial embarrassment, "I'm here," responded Lan Wangji, his arms continually rubbing his back comfortingly. "Would you mind telling me more about this person?" Lan Sizhui asked quietly, nervously wondering if he had overstepped.
Placing a lingering kiss on the crown of his head, Lan Wangji hummed, and proceeded to tell him about his soulmate.
Lan Sizhui thought to himself later on, that maybe, just maybe, these intrusive thoughts would soon dissolve and he would accept his place in people's lives, especially his father's and his beloved.
That one day, Lan Wangji would proudly call him son, and he would call him his father confidently in front of everyone's faces.