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They hadn’t even really meant to end up out here alone. Kogane had come with the Frogs, but Tsukki and Kyotani had gotten distracted chatting with Yamaguchi and Yachi, and had taken over a small corner. Goshiki had come with some of his old high school friends. Kageyama and Ushijima both chat with Hoshiumi and Hirugami at the moment, leaving the tagalong to disappear. It wasn’t a reunion, so to speak. It didn’t feel like it. It was… a bunch of peers, hanging out. Having dinner. There were plenty of people from several teams that neither Goshiki nor Kogane could identify. Hinata was running around introducing people to some of the old Karasuno students that had had been his junior, talking about how “this guy is the best, he took over as Captain after we all graduated, and almost got us back to nationals right away!”
It was weird, for everyone to be so familiar, and yet… for it to feel like it didn’t belong to him.
Kogane steps outside of the house that he thinks belongs to a Karasuno alumni, but he couldn’t say for sure. He intends just to get a little bit of air, crossing his arms and enjoying the cool night. A breeze that sweeps over his neck, the smell of the summer flowers hanging in a pot by the balcony. He glances back behind him as the door shuts, surprised to see Goshiki had followed.
“It’s a little loud in there,” Kogane calls as a greeting. Goshiki had never admitted it, but Kogane knew he got overwhelmed in crowds like that. He did better in small groups, where he knew where he stood with each person. Groups where he could be nobody? Not his strength.
“Yeah,” Goshiki calls back. “Hinata just tried to introduce me to the same person twice, so I figured I’d take a breather.”
Kogane laughs, and looks back out over the driveway and city street as he feels Goshiki come to stand beside him.
“Feels weird to not be the smallest people in the room, huh?” Goshiki says. This makes Kogane frown.
“I’ve always been tall,” he replies.
“Not like that,” Goshiki laughs. “I mean… You know, going through high school. We were the young kids, we were the ones coming up. I was in Ushijima’s shadow, even after he left. And you guys were trying to rebuild the Dateko wall, you were this new setter nobody knew anything about… It’s just weird to walk into a party and be… not the underclassman. I feel like an imposter.”
Kogane chuckles, looking over to him. Goshiki had always been like this with him. He hadn’t known what it was, about their friendship, their late night phone calls, their independent practice, but it seemed like secrets had always spilled from his lips without reason. Around anyone else, the man was as hard to crack as an industrial safe. But the moment they were alone…
He had been so easy to fall in love with.
Saturday practices in the outdoor courts at Dateko, followed by long water breaks laying in the shade, talking about the Wall, the expectations, being an ace, being a setter. The sun, the clouds, the girls they had crushes on.
Kogane thinks he’s over all that. He’s had boyfriends since high school, he has a career. He only sees Goshiki twice a year now. But…
Goshiki still talks like they’re best friends. He still shares secrets like Kogane is the only person he trusts.
“I felt it too,” Kogane says, looking away from him again. “It’s weird to have grown up.”
“It’s weird to have grown up,” Goshiki echoes, more melancholic.
Maybe he’s not over all that. They’d grown up, they’d moved past it. But it felt like a small part of his teenage identity he’d never gotten closure for. They’d danced around it for so long, but… now they were grown up. Now they’d moved on. Now there were new young hotshots.
“Do you ever miss it?” Goshiki asks. “Being in high school, I mean. Do you miss it?”
“I don’t know,” Kogane says. “I think… I miss… you. I miss weekend practices you treated like clandestine drug trades because you were so afraid of someone finding out you had been training with a Dateko kid.”
Goshiki snorts, reaching out to shove at him, somewhat roughly. Kogane sways with the hit, laughing as well.
“Yeah, I miss… I miss who we were, together, but… you know. We’ve grown up, things change. I get that.”
This makes Goshiki frown slightly, head tilting over to the side. “What are you talking about?”
Kogane chuckles. Maybe it’s just the way the evening’s gone - maybe it’s because he’s always felt safe with Goshiki as well, but the truth comes easy, for once in his life.
“I was… completely in love with you in high school,” Kogane says, which makes Goshiki’s eyes widen in surprise. Before he can say anything, Kogane adds: “Oh, don’t give me that look, you totally knew. I was so obvious about it.”
“I…”
Kogane waits.
“I didn’t… know that,” Goshiki says.
“Oh, come on,” Kogane laughs. “I was following after you like a puppy. I stopped putting my phone on silent in case you called. I was in love.”
Goshiki laughs, though a little more awkwardly, turning away from him quickly as he lifts a hand to the back of his neck. Kogane is going to keep talking, but he notices the pink that is growing over Goshiki’s face, and hesitates.
“Ah, sorry,” he says. “I don’t mean to - I… you’re not uncomfortable with that, are you?”
“No, no,” Goshiki says quickly, turning to wave it off. “Not at all. I just… I… really didn’t know that,” he says. “It’s… I guess I was just so focused on… making sure I could fill the… biggest shoes in the world I didn’t… notice.”
“That’s… one of my favourite things about you,” Kogane replies. “If you’d… honestly, if you’d started acting all gushy and social I might not have been so obsessed with you. But… the way you talk, the way you chase your dreams, the way you… do everything. Even when you think you’ll never be good enough, you always… tried. And I think being around that is the reason I even got to go pro at all. If I hadn’t met you I don’t know if I’d have gotten over the hurdle of not feeling good enough.”
Goshiki crosses his arms, one hand lifted so he could bite his knuckle, eyes closing.
“I’m sorry,” Kogane repeats. “I just mean… you… yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut. Sorry.”
Goshiki shakes his head slightly, before saying: “I just cannot believe I didn’t know that,” in a soft voice. “I mean… I don’t know… in hindsight, if I… I would have said yes, if you’d asked me to go out with you. Back then.”
“...what?”
“I mean…” he just chuckles, shaking his head. “I was too focused on volleyball. But I’d… never had a friend like you. And you were the only person I ever wanted to be around - especially once all my upperclassman had graduated. I was so happy just to be your friend, but if you’d asked… I think I would have said yes.”
Kogane stares at him, feeling like his brain was collapsing in on itself.
Goshiki Tsutomu, actual Goshiki Tsutomu, would have said yes, if he’d asked him on a date?
He’d have said yes!?
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Goshiki says.
“Would you say yes now?” Kogane asks, before he can actually think the words through.
There’s a lot that can be said about having grown up, having moved on, having had such big changes to their lives that they didn’t really even feel like the same two kids who’d played volleyball together on the weekend. But at this moment, Kogane is fifteen.
Goshiki returns the same kind of look. That same uncertainty, that same worry, that same youth.
Is it not way too late to start this?
The one-that-got-away is supposed to get away, isn’t he?
“Yeah,” Goshiki says. “Yeah, I think if you asked now I’d say yes.”
“We don’t need to see this party to the end.” Kogane says, nodding down the steps, off into the city. “We can go somewhere less loud, catch up properly…”
“Do you wanna come back to my place?” Goshiki counters, and though his tone is no less innocent than the offer of a quiet evening conversation, Kogane feels his mouth go dry immediately. Goshiki is already taking a step away, hovering with a foot ready to drop off the porch.
“Your place?” Kogane says.
Goshiki nods, looking a little bit confused as to why Kogane didn’t seem to get it.
“Like just… right now? Right… tonight? Back to your place?”
“Back to my place,” Goshiki confirms. “Unless you don’t…?”
“Uh… no, yeah, I’m down for that, uhm… let me just grab my jacket,” Kogane stammers, hurrying away to push his way back inside. He fumbles through the crowded houseparty to gather is coat up. He briefly catches Tsukki’s eye, who was still standing with Kyotani and his friends.
Tsukki makes a motion as if to beckon him over, so Kogane shouts back:
“I’m leaving!”
Tsukki pulls a face, calling: “Huh?”
“I’m going. Right now-” he throws his jacket over his shoulders. “Don’t call me. Don’t even text me. Goodbye!”
“The hell-”
But Kogane has already turned to push his way out of the house again, leaping the porch steps to catch up with Goshiki, who was halfway to the sidewalk.
“Okay,” he says, trying not to sound breathless with his excitement, as he offers an arm out to Goshiki. “Lead the way.”
Goshiki takes his arm. “You’re awfully excited.”
“Of course I am,” Kogane says. “It’s you.”
Goshiki scoffs, but he also smiles, so Kogane smiles too.