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Jake always had a feeling from a young age, no matter what the circumstances were, he’d have a small wedding. When he used to think about who he’d end up with — if he’d end up with anyone, for that matter — he always thought that it would look like this; like only a few rows of white folding chairs set up neatly on the grass outside the venue building.
Like that, and his parents nowhere to be seen.
It’s been almost a year now since he and Jay made their list of people to invite. The list was small; friends from college, Jay’s family, some of Jay’s friends from high school. But It was embarrassing as Jake racked his brain for people in his life to invite.
He recalls sitting at their dining room table, Jay with his laptop placed on the surface, typing out a list of people to invite. It had only been a month at that point since Jay proposed — and therefore, a month for Jake to figure out how he felt about inviting his distant family.
It felt wrong either way. Inviting them meant opening the door for them to reenter his life, which he wasn't all that sure he wanted to happen. After all, it was his parents who would likely deem Jake an ungodly person, a terrible person, for loving Jay. For loving a man. But Jake can't help but wonder if there's a little piece of them left inside their hearts that might want to learn to accept their son. Even if it's been half a decade since they last spoke.
"Okay. Heeseung, Sunghoon, Sunoo," Jay began to list off. Jake spaced out, the familiar names going in one ear and out the other. "I don't know if I invite Jungwon. What do you think?"
Jake, still on another planet mentally, just stared into the wooden surface of the table. His mind was full of images of his mother, of how disappointed, how sad, she looked that night before Jake left home. He recalled the way she looked when he told her and his father that he'd be going to Seattle.
"Baby?" Jay nudged.
Humming, Jake lifted his brows and looked over at his finacé. "Sorry," he muttered with a dry chuckle. "You can always invite him. I don't mind."
The rest of the evening, Jake had that lingering thought in the back of his mind. It nagged at him and nagged at him, as he tossed and turned all night, as he felt like he was being suffocated when Jay eventually wrapped his tired arms around Jake's frame to try and lull him to sleep.
So, when Jay ultimately asked Jake to buy their invitations, he added one extra to the order.
But two extra bodies don't occupy the empty chairs sitting in the back of the ceremony space. He looks at them with heavy thoughts, how those two chairs symbolize everything Jake thought he had come to terms with.
"You okay?" Sunoo asks Jake as he stands next to him, looking out the window as well. Jake huffs out a dry chuckle and nods.
"Of course," Jake smiles. They turn towards each other, and Sunoo adjusts the boutonnière on Jake's chest so it's sitting up straight. The boutonnière is embellished with small leaves and two white roses. Jake looks down at the flowers, smiling small to himself as Sunoo plants a firm, reassuring hand on Jake's chest.
Jay picked the flower specificially for Jake — a blue thistle, symbolizing resilience. Jay used the exact words when he chose the flower for Jake; "because you are the strongest person I know, the strongest person I've ever known, and the strongest person I will ever know."
⊹₊ ⋆
Since their wedding plans were set in motion, Jake knew he wanted to write a poem for his vows. But writing became more difficult once he started work in the real world.
To inspire himself, Jake went back and dug through his old journals, along with the files on his old university email. He found a slew of poems, and as he read through them all, he felt guilty. Because Jake realized, he'd never written a poem about Jay. He always used poetry to confront his feelings about Riki, about his family, about himself. But never had he written about the person who helped him grapple with what all those feelings meant.
So, he sat down that night in their room as Jay cleaned up around the apartment, and pulled out his laptop. He wrote without inhibitions and kept Jay in mind. And it didn't really end up all that poetic, just became a blob of words, Jake's pure stream of consciousness reflecting all that he felt for his fiancé.
But as he stands across from the man, decked out in his tuxedo, looking handsome as ever, Jake panics. He can't help but wonder if the poem isn't good enough. Thoughts flood his mind, thinking he should have just scrapped the whole thing and wrote down a list of things he loved about Jay. That surely would have been easier.
Jake can't even process the fact that they have both uttered I do to one another. He can't process how unfathomably beautiful Jay looks standing across from him. He can't feel the comforting touch of Jay's hand as it holds Jake's fingers gently. His mind is too preoccupied with thoughts and memories that are haunting him and making him question it all. Making him feel like every decision about the day has been a mistake.
As Jake is prompted to read his vows, he pauses. He pulls out the old piece of paper from months ago, the paper with scribbles and red marks all over it.
"Jay Park, my love," Jake begins, voice a little shaky as he chuckles. "Meeting you, I've learned a lot. Not just things about you, or about myself, but about love as a whole."
"Before I met you, love was a secret to me; something to hide. It had rules, it had doors — doors that I could not open. Parts of myself that I buried deep within. Love was forbidden and painful and something that made me feel shame."
Jake can't bring himself to look at Jay once he gets into the deepest parts of his vows. Images of Riki start to overwhelm him and make him question everything he's written, everything he's saying. And he can't help but feel pain and shame as he thinks of his old friend. He was the person who made Jake question his entire existence; and maybe, Jake should be thanking him, wherever Riki is now. Maybe Jake owes Riki something for giving Jake that revelation, even if it cost them so much.
"I spent so much time believing that if I hid those parts well enough, they would stop asking to be seen. Maybe, if I never allowed myself to be known wholly, then I could protect myself from whatever came after. But I opened one of those doors, and through it, I found you." Jake pauses briefly, smile morphing into a frown as he fights off tears. His hands are shaking, so he squeezes the paper in an attempt to steady them. Jay is watching him close — eyes full of tears, biting his bottom lip.
"And suddenly, I learned that love is too precious to be hidden. I learned that people like you, Jay Park, deserve to be loved loudly. Even despite everything I had thought to be true before meeting you. Despite feeling shame, feeling pain, for so long. Loving you has destroyed any inkling of pain or shame that might come with such an emotion."
Jake's eyes are full of tears, and they're spilling over when he hears Jay sniffling, too. He wants to look up into those sweet brown eyes, but he can't bring himself to do it.
"So," Jake breathes heavily. "I will love you in all the ways I once believed were forbidden. I'll hold your hand without wondering who's watching. I'll wake up next to you and know I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I promise, Jay, to love you loud. Now, while we are young, and when we are old someday. When we are certain and when we are not. When we are happy and when we are sad. Through all of it, I will love you more than I ever thought I'd be allowed."
Then, Jake finally looks up at his fiancé, and he smiles. He tries to, at least, through the tears. Jay's face is full of so many emotions — each one hard to name. Jake just looks into his eyes and lets the sight calm him and all the racing thoughts scattering his mind.
And he looks into those eyes the remainder of the ceremony, as Jay reads his own vows, as they exchange rings. Until he closes them upon their kiss; Jake tentatively places his hands on Jay's shoulders, Jay's on Jake's waist, pulling the younger close. Their lips lock and seal everything that's been said that day.
Jake will love Jay loud, even if it hurts. Even if it pains him.
⊹₊ ⋆
"I won't even lie, when I first met Jake, I was eager to get him to meet Jay," Sunghoon says boisterously at the table they're all gathered at. He sits between Sunoo and Heeseung across from Jay and Jake. Everyone listens with close attention as Sunghoon bares his soul. "I thought they'd be a good pair. So, you all can thank me for us being here today."
Jay rolls his eyes and blows out air through his lips. "Absolutely not," he retorts. "We're here because Jake complimented my guitar. My guitar which you claimed was ugly when I first got it."
"Whatever, man," Sunghoon crosses his arms. That's when Jay's father joins in the conversation after taking a drink from his champagne glass.
"You thought the guitar was ugly?" he asked in disbelief. "That's probably the most stunning guitar this kid owns."
"Thank you, Dad," Jay adds.
Sunghoon lets out a dramatic sigh as he uncrosses his arms and puts his hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying. If I hadn't introduced you two, who knows where we'd be?"
"Probably still here. You just wouldn't get to take any credit," Jake teases, trying to remain in the conversation.
"Thank you, Jake, for complimenting my son's instrument. Seriously," Jay's father begins to ramble. "If you hadn't, we wouldn't know you. I…I think you bring out the best in Jay. And granted, I know I haven't been in your life very long, but, I'm thankful I get to know you along with my son."
"It's true!" Jay's cousin chimes in.
Jake's cheeks blush uncomfortably. He's suddenly being showered with praise from Jay's family. And the whole time, Jake can't help but feel like maybe he doesn't deserve it. Or maybe he feels guilty as Jay sits there with no one from Jake's bloodline to sing his own praises. Either way, Jake starts to feel a twisting sensation in his stomach as the conversation drifts, and all Jake can think about is the absence of his parents on the most important day of his life.
⊹₊ ⋆
Towards the end of the reception, Jake watches as Jay and their friends all party together. They've already shared their designated dance, to none other than Bon Jovi's Always. Jake tried to keep himself focused on the present — on Jay — as they held each other and swayed. But his mind was wandering. And, frankly, it had been somewhere else all day.
He feels overwhelmed by the thoughts, the memories, plaguing his mind. So he walks upstairs, to the roof of the hotel, for a breath of fresh air.
It’s cold up on the rooftop. The wind, blowing through every so often, sends a chill down Jake’s clothed arms, despite the sweat beading up on his palms as his hands are firmly placed on the railing of the balcony.
He feels a little guilty, being up here all alone. He knows he should be downstairs with his friends, with the people he’d now call family, with his husband. But the nagging thought sitting in his mind is too much to bear. Jake would rather be up here, alone, to think about it, to process it all, instead of ruining the fun going on down on the main floor.
Really, Jake knew this would happen. That despite writing the personal note on the invitation and writing to Mom and Dad instead of just their first names on the envelope, they wouldn’t show up to the most important event of his life. He knew all along, in some sad corner in the back of his mind, that his parents would neglect him once again, all because of who he loved.
It hurts. It hurts like hell, and maybe, it’s for the better; it might force Jake to finally put it all to rest. He can finally accept that his parents just truly don’t accept him. But it’s too real; and it manifests even more as Jake recalls the day’s progressions, like how Jake had no one from his family to tell Jay how happy they are that he’s the person Jake gets to spend the rest of his life with.
And Jake can’t help but wonder if things were always meant to be this way. This is who he is, after all — a man who loves another man. If his parents didn’t have the strength to accept that, maybe, they don’t deserve to know Jake for who he really is. They don’t deserve to know someone as lovely as Jay.
Before Jake can collect himself and head back downstairs, the door to the rooftop swings open, and in walks Jay. Jake turns around sharply, inhales and immediately, then turns back around.
“Baby, what’re you doing up here?” Jay asks, concerned. Jake keeps looking out at the skyline — the lights twinkling, so beautiful, reminding him of everything that came before, how he met Jay thanks to this city — and his eyes immediately begin to well up. “You okay?”
Hanging his head low, Jake sucks in a sharp breath through his nose. His throat starts to cramp up and tighten as he thinks about it all. He attempts to swallow down a sob, but it comes out broken.
“I, um,” Jake begins, starting to breathe a little quicker. “I didn’t tell you. And I’m really sorry, but I invited my mom and dad, and…”
A sob breaks from Jake’s throat as he turns away from Jay. Jay’s brows are knitted together as he places a hand on Jake’s shoulder, reassuring, rubbing his thumb back and forth. He pulls on Jake's shoulder to get the younger to turn around, but Jake's stubborn, doesn't let himself move. Jay just walks around him to face him head-on and looks him straight in his eyes.
Jake bites down hard on his lip, hard enough to break the flesh, and Jay notices — he immediately reaches out and pulls down on Jake’s chin, tugging his lip from his teeth.
“They obviously didn’t come, but…I just wanted them to understand.”
Jay cocks his head just slightly, humming softly. “What, baby?”
Tears start to spill down Jake’s cheeks as images of his mother and father run through his scattered brain. “I thought if they met you — If they saw you, saw us together — they’d understand why I am the way I am. And maybe they’d accept it. But God, I should have fucking known —”
“Hey,” Jay interrupts as Jake cries harder. He can’t help but think about the day, how it’s now ruined. He can’t help but feel a little selfish, too, for more reasons than one.
“I kept thinking about them, I should have just…I should have been thinking about you. I ruined our wedding day.”
“No, you did not,” Jay reassures. “Nothing could ruin today. You’re my husband now. There’s nothing else I could ever dream of. Yeah?”
Jake nods, hesitant. He’s not sure he can feel so good about the day when his parents have occupied his mind more than his own husband; Jake curses himself, feels like the worst person to exist, because of it. And even now, with Jay reassuring him, Jake can’t help but feel like he’s failed everyone.
“Listen, Jake,” Jay starts. “Your parents not being here isn’t a reflection of you. That’s their failure, not yours. They don’t decide your worth, what kind of life you build, or who you fall in love with.”
Despite Jay's comforting words, all Jake can think about is that poor boy he once was. The boy who was eighteen, in that small town, where nothing felt safe. And now, even where Jake is safe, he can't manage to bring his spirits up because of his past weighing him down.
Jake licks his tongue against the side of his mouth as he looks out at the city. Jay grabs Jake's hand and laces their fingers together, holding gently, so as to not overwhelm Jake.
"I just," Jake begins before inhaling a shaky breath. Jay's words echo through his head; the sentiment that Jake's parents failed him. And with thoughts of his parents came thoughts of home, thoughts of the church, of Riki. And Jake can't help but feel like he's failed them — them, and Riki, too. Riki more than anyone. "I wish Riki was here, too. I wish…"
He hiccups softly through tears.
"I wish I could have saved him. I mean, I killed him, didn't I?"
"No, Jake —"
"He loved me, I loved him, that's what — he —"
"You were eighteen, Jake," Jay interrupts before Jake can go too far off the rails.
"He said we should…we should leave, and I…" Jake trails off. His grip on Jay's hand weakens as he starts to tremble. "I left him there. He's buried in the fucking ground there and I left and got everything I wanted."
Jay just shakes his head and pulls Jake into his body, holding him tight, but not too tight. Tight enough to make the younger feel secure, but loose enough to not feel overwhelmed. He rubs his hand up and down Jake's upper back, the younger crying into his shoulder, clawing at the fabric of Jay's dress shirt.
All Jay says in that moment is, "I love you," and his voice is soft and tentative as he says the words. "I love you, Jake."
And it breaks Jake inside, because he can't wrap his head around how it could be true.
The hand on Jake's back rises up to cradle his head, Jay carding his fingers through the strands. Jake relaxes a little, then, crying coming to a stop, but keeping his head in Jay's shoulder. And for a while, they don't speak. Jake just takes in the sound of Jay's breathing in his ear.
"Just think," Jay starts. "We get to spend the rest of our lives together. And I know it's hard, and I know it's not the same. But my family is your family now. We're…we're all a family. We love you."
Jake nods as he lifts his head from Jay's shoulder.
"I don't know them, but really, Jake…your parents don't deserve to know you anymore. Not if they can dismiss you like this. You deserve better than that. As much as I would love to meet who made the love of my life, I don't….I don't think they deserve you."
Sniffling, Jake looks up at Jay, smiling just barely. "I just wanted my mom to see me today. Not the Jake she last saw, I was so broken, so…I just wanted her to see that I'm okay. And I'm happy now. Even without her and my dad."
Jay smiles small and wipes a tear from Jake's cheek with his thumb. "Don't cry, then," he encourages. "Let me dance with my husband. My happy husband."
They both chuckle lightly. Jay puts his hands on Jake's shoulders before pulling him close and kissing his cheek softly. In that moment, Jake can't help but think about what he has now, despite the pain that has come with it. How he's living the life he wasn't sure he'd get to live.
When Jay takes his hand again, thumb brushing over the new ring on his finger, Jake looks down and smiles through the last of his tears.