Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Every inch of Nakamura’s body was in pain.

His eyes, sore from rubbing away tears. His mouth, cramped from tensing up as he stifled sobs. His hands, blistering from gripping his bike’s handlebars too tightly. His legs, exhausted from the repetitive movement of pedaling. His lungs, aching with every howling cry he’s let out tonight.

His heart.

He’d rather not remember why it hurts so much.

‘Why did it hurt so much?’

Physically unable to ride any further, he slowed to a stop. After climbing off the seat, the lovesick boy grabbed the notebook sitting in the basket, carelessly letting the normally well taken care of bike crash onto the dirt path. Nakamura only got a quick glance of his surroundings as he took a few unbalanced steps, falling to his knees shortly after. He didn’t know where he ended up. It didn’t matter.

The notebook opened to a random page as it fell in front of him. His eyes were blurry, but he still attempted to make out the words. Somewhere deep down, he knew reading the handmade manga would only hurt him more. But his heart simply didn’t care. What else could he do to ease the pain? Every time he searched his head for answers, he was always drawn back to one conclusion.

Hirose.

It was always Hirose.

Nakamura’s eyes became slightly more clear as a single tear fell onto the pages of the notebook. The words, both taunting and comforting, played on a loop in his head.

‘I like you just the way you are.’

Would Hirose ever like him just the way he was? Would he like him if he knew the way he shivered on top of a notebook late at night, mourning over something he knew he’d never have to begin with? It was pathetic. Nakamura felt pathetic.

‘My Hirose is happy. So… why aren’t I?’

From the moment Nakamura found out about Hana, how she’d gotten something he wanted more than anything, the question spun like a carousal in his mind. No matter how many times he’d ask it, he never had an answer.

Dark hair moving with the light breeze, Nakamura shakily stood, making his way to the railing on the path’s border. The metal was cold to the touch, but it did little to help his sore hands. Nakamura’s clothes didn’t shield him much from the cold, but he knew he’d be shaking even if it was scorching out. He used the sleeve of his cardigan to wipe away tears, though he knew more would soon replace them anyways. Leaning over the top of the guard rail, Nakamura felt the cold metal bar press into where his chest met his stomach. The way his eyes were transfixed on the ground below the drop scared him.

Yet, it invited him.

It called for him.

It wanted him like Hirose never would.

Could he ever jump? Nakamura felt something rising in his throat, and he tried to gulp the lump of emotions back down. He knew making the decision on whether or not to jump would make him brave or a coward; he just didn't know which choice had which answer, leaving him paralyzed at the ledge. In moments like this, what did people usually think about? Was it their loved ones? Their reactions? What was he supposed to think about? He closed his eyes, silently hoping someone would ask him to stay, yet he stood alone.

Icchan.

Kana.

His mother.

Kawamura.

Hirose.

It was always Hirose.

Nakamura turned to look at the notebook, still open on the ground behind him. He willed himself to walk over to it, as it was the only thing he could use as a lifeline. Pockets empty, it was all he took with him. The only thing he had right now.

The only thing that mattered right now.

Nakamura’s legs burned as he bent over to pick the notebook up. With the book in his hands, he simply stared at the ground for a while. For the past few days, it felt like his body was running on autopilot. Going from point A to point B in his repetitive life. Nakamura had always been a creature of habit. For as long as he could remember, he found comfort in routines. Now, he dreaded it. His routine used to include riding his bike to school. Eating lunch while reading manga. Going home after a long day at school. Feeding Icchan. Eating silently at the dinner table as his family chattered around him. Go to bed. Repeat. As of late, his routine included nearly getting to school late. Eating half his lunch. Speeding home. Feeding Icchan. Skipping dinner. Go to bed.

Hana.

He hated that she became routine. Visiting their classroom whenever she could, like Nakamura supposed a good girlfriend should. The thought of her made Nakamura’s grip on the thin book tighten. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, as if that would be enough to shake her from his mind. To shake them from his mind.

A part of Nakamura felt it was unfair to be upset with her. After all, she had done nothing wrong. She was never mean. Never pushy. She hadn't taken something that was his.

Hirose wasn't his.

Hirose was never his.

He never would be.

The odds were zero.

Refocusing his eyes on what was in front of him, Nakamura hadn't even realized he started walking. When he turned around, he couldn't see his bike anymore. How long had he been moving? It could have been two minutes. It could have been ten. Twenty. Fourty. All Nakamura knew was that he wasn't ready to go home. In a way, that would only make reality sink in further. He wanted anything but reality.

He looked around him, and to his right he noticed a small dirt trail, leading further into the trees and bushes. He couldn’t be sure it was meant to be a path. He followed it anyway. He wasn't walking for long (or maybe he had; he still couldn't be sure) before he came across a small clearing, home to only a couple of benches and a trashcan. It was when he walked closer to them that his legs gave out again, collapsing on pavement. His arms folded in front of him, head falling between them as he towered over the notebook, as if shielding it from the cold would protect his heart from any more damage.

He doesn’t know how long he stayed there before his eyes closed.

— — —

Hifumi hadn't slept very well last night.

Her bed was as comfortable as ever, and the temperature in her room was just right. And yet, something had kept her up as she tossed and turned.

Hifumi would be lying if she said she hadn't noticed the change in her classmate as of late. As much as she wanted to say she wasn't the only one, she couldn't be sure. Nakamura always wears his heart on his sleeve, even if he doesn’t realize it. It's pretty easy to figure out what he's feeling, especially if you've spoken to him more than once. And yet, he seemed invisible to the rest of the class. He was the quiet kid who sat alone during lunch. The loner who never spoke to anyone.

It made Hifumi’s heart hurt.

The concern had been growing over the past few days, and when he'd approached her yesterday, alarm bells went off in her head. 

‘Could you maybe… finish drawing that manga about Hirose and me in this?’

She replayed the interaction in her head as she looked at Nakamura’s currently empty desk, recalling how his eyes were red and swollen.

Something she noticed about Nakamura was that he was never absent. With their first year of high school ending soon, Hifumi couldn't recall a single time he missed class. She noticed he'd been late a couple of times, but never completely absent. It did nothing to calm that ugly feeling she couldn't shake.

‘I should have asked him if he was okay.’ She shook her head when the thought came. He clearly wasn't okay. What’s more, she had a hunch as to why. But there was nothing she could do about it.

Hifumi tried to distract herself by focusing on the worksheet in front of her, but she only solved one math problem before her mind wandered again. She wished she reached out to him yesterday. Offered an ear to listen to his problems. Offered a shoulder to cry on. She liked to consider her and Nakamura friends, but the reality is that they hadn't spoken much. They were acquaintances to be sure, but she wasn't sure if he saw them as friends. She hoped he did, but friends reach out to each other when they struggle. His arms stayed limp as his side.

Hifumi’s thoughts were interrupted by the old, chorded classroom phone ringing. It made her jump, hands feeling clammy.

“Otogiri speaking.” There was a short stretch of silence, and Hifumi watched Mr. Otogiri glance over to the familiar, empty desk one row next to her. “No, he's absent today.”

The young girl tried to find every rational reason for the call, but it did little to help her anxiety. The quiet in the room felt suffocating, and Hifumi wished desperately she could hear the other end of the phone call. All she could do was wait for Mr. Otogiri to speak.

“... what?”

Hifumi’s heart sank. The way he said that one word, dripping in disbelief, caught everyone’s attention. When she lifted her head to look his way, she found she wasn't the only one staring. 

“... I see.”

No, she wouldn’t panic. ‘He could be talking about anything.’

“Yes.. of course.”

‘It could be anything.’

“I’ll call immediately if I hear anything.”

‘Please be anything else.’

The phone clicked as it hung up.

Hifumi knew of the phrase ‘deafening silence’. She’d never heard one until now. Everyone in the classroom seemed to still completely; even Mr. Otogiri, who stood like stone in front of the phone, presumably collecting his thoughts. Hifumi wasn’t sure she was breathing, chest feeling too cold and too warm all at once. The seconds that passed were the slowest she’s ever experienced.

Finally, Mr. Otogiri moved to stand in front of his desk, leaning back against it for support. He cleared his throat.

“Attention please.” He said, as if he didn’t know he already had it. “I just spoke with someone from the police department, contacting me from the guidance counselor's office. Last night…” Mr. Otogiri breathed in, and Hifumi could tell he was trying to hide the shake in his voice. “Okuto Nakamura, your classmate, was reported missing after leaving home and not returning.”

‘No.’

“I was told to inform you all, in case any of you know anything about his whereabouts.”

‘I knew something was wrong.’

“If you do know anything, please tell the police immediately, or have a trusted adult contact them on your behalf.”

‘I should’ve talked to him.’

“There will be someone from the police department in the guidance counselor’s office. Please go there if you know anything, or have any useful information.”

‘Why didn’t I talk to him!?’

After a small pause, Mr. Otogiri stood up straight. “If you haven’t finished the worksheet, you can take it home with you. We’ll talk about the due date tomorrow. And please…” He looked over the small sea of students with almost pleading eyes. “Be kind to each other.”

The murmurs quickly grew around her, but Hifumi didn’t hear any of it. That same question kept echoing painfully in her head.

‘Why didn’t I talk to him? Why didn’t I talk to him? Why didn’t I talk to him?’

“Hifumi?”

‘Why didn’t I talk to him? Why didn’t I talk to him?’

“Hey, Hifumi?”

‘Why didn’t I-’

“Hifumi!”

A voice finally cut through her thoughts. She looked up to find her close friends, Yuuka and Masako. They both looked concerned, but Hifumi knew she looked much worse. She exhaled a shaky breath, and her friends sat at the desks around her.

“Worried, huh?” Yuuka placed a gentle hand on her arm, gripping the fabric of her school sweater slightly. All the brunette could do is nod. And for a moment, neither of her friends seemed to know what to say. Then, Masako attempted to brighten her up.

“Hey, chin up! Who knows, he’s probably a lot tougher than we think. I’m sure he’ll be found soon.” She wasn’t sure if Masako believed what she was saying, but Hifumi supposed she appreciated the effort. Regardless, she couldn't get that question out of her head.

“... Why didn’t I talk to him?” With her head low, looking at the unfinished worksheet, Hifumi asked it out loud, as if either of them would have the answer. “I knew something was wrong. I knew.” She didn’t bother trying to hide the tears, knowing the effort would be futile. “I thought about it. To ask him how he was. Or what was wrong.” She hunched over slightly, covering her face with both hands. “But I didn’t. Why didn’t I talk to him?” Her shoulders shook slightly as she cried. Then, she felt warmth around her.

“Don’t blame yourself.” Yuuka wrapped her in her arms, Masako soon joining her. “Somehow, I get the feeling he wouldn’t want you to.”

“Yeah… I mean, I haven’t talked to him much, but he seems like a pretty selfless guy.” Masako stroked the top of Hifumi’s head as she spoke. “I feel like I’ve seen him help out with loads of different clubs and stuff, and I’m pretty sure he’s not a part of any of them.”

“Y-yeah…” Hifumi rubbed her eyes as both girls pulled away, her glasses becoming crooked with the movement. “He’s really nice.” Her statement was much more simple than anything her friends had just said, but it was the best her mind could come up with at the moment.

“Hey, Kawamura?”

Moving her glasses back in place, Hifumi moved her poorly dried eyes to Hirose, standing next to her desk. Every inch of his face held concern as she waited for him to speak.

“I was just wondering… you know. If you heard anything.” Hirose was quiet and somber, the melancholic tone sounding strange coming from his voice.

“N-no, I haven’t…” Hifumi adjusted her glasses again, purely to give her something to fidget with.

“You neither, huh?” Hirose’s already sorrowful face drooped more, looking down at his shoes.

“Gotta be honest, I never expected him to just take off like this.” Mukai speaking is the only thing that made Hifumi realize he was standing behind Hirose, slightly to the left of him. Next to him was Takeuchi, looking like he didn't know what to say.

“Same here.” Hirose looked at Mukai, eyebrows scrunching together. “I mean, he seemed a little quieter than normal lately… but I don’t know what would make him run away all of a sudden.”

“You don’t know?” The words were too genuine, and as soon as they left her mouth, Hifumi wishes she could take it back. The way she said it as if he was missing something obvious. It said too much.

“No.” Hirose turned to her, looking at her funny. “... do you?”

“I-I mean…!” Hifumi folded her hands and placed them in her lap, twirling her thumbs in circles around each other. “I don’t know where he is… he didn’t say anything to me. We don’t talk that often, so…” As she trailed off, she knew it was painfully obvious she was dodging the question. Hopefully, the fact tears still threatened to fall down her face would dissuade anyone from pressing her further on it.

The silence in their small group stretched out. Then, with more confidence than any of them were feeling, Hirose spoke. “We should all go looking for him after school.”

“Huh!?” Takeuchi was the only one who voiced the confusion everyone else said with their expressions. “Are we allowed to?”

“I think as long as we don’t get in the way of the police, we should be fine.” Her wide eyed classmate looked around at them, almost begging. “I feel horrible just sitting around doing nothing.”

“Let’s do it.” Hifumi spoke before she could change her mind. When she heard the quiet, confused sounds from her friends, she couldn’t really blame them. She knew the odds of them finding him were slim.

But they weren’t zero.

She didn’t talk to him when she should have. She wouldn’t do nothing again.

“We’ll go with you.” Yuuka placed her hand back where it rested before on Hifumi’s arm. Neither girl looked very confident, but they looked ready to support her. That was all she needed right now.

“Okay. Let’s meet up at the front gate as soon as school is over.”

The schoolbell rang, and Hifumi prepared herself for the longest school day of her life.

— — —

The moment the final bell rang, Hifumi was out of her seat.

In hindsight, it would have made sense to simply wait for the others; they were all headed to the same place, after all. Yet, Hifumi found she couldn’t help herself.

At least she wasn’t the only one, seeing as Hirose stood beside her, also catching his breath.

“Geez, at least wait for us!” Closing in on the front gate was Takeuchi, Mukai walking beside him. Behind them were Yuuka and Masako.

“W-where should we start?” Hifumi still felt winded as she spoke, but she wasn’t going to wait to catch her breath. She had somewhere to be.

If only she knew where ‘somewhere’ was.

“Well… “ Hirose brought a hand to his chin as he pondered the question. “I know he lives in Dangokaoka. That’s probably the first place that was checked, but it couldn’t hurt to take a second look.” Dropping his hand back to his side, Hifumi didn’t like the troubled look that took over his face. “But I also know he rides a bike to school. So if he took that with him last night…”

“... Then he could be anywhere.” Mukai finished the lingering thought, and suddenly Hifumi found herself feeling much more discouraged than she had mere moments ago.

“We still have to try!” Hirose, determination not wavering, looked at him fiercely.

‘Right…’ Hifumi clenched her fist around the strap of her school bag, and silently thanked Hirose for his infectious energy. ‘I told myself I wasn’t gonna sit around. So I won’t!’

“Should we exchange contact info in case one of us finds him?” Hirose was looking at Hifumi, phone in hand, held far enough away from him like he expected her to have already taken it. Though, her brain took a second or two to catch up with the request.

“Oh! Uh, sure!” She frantically took out her own device, pulling up her contact list. It was after Hifumi finished putting her number in her classmate’s phone when she heard it:

“Aiki?”

The whole group, nearly in perfect unison, looked over to where the voice came from. There, Hana Sakamoto stood, eyebrows tilted with worry. “You weren’t answering my texts, so I got worried. Is everything okay?”

“Oh, uh…” Hifumi watched Hirose look around the group, pleading eyes asking for help on what to say. Mukai and Takeuchi both gave him a look that screamed ‘she’s your girlfriend'. As bad as Hifumi felt about it, she also stayed silent. What could she possibly say to her right now? Instead, she just returned his phone to him. “S-sorry. I can’t walk home with you today.”

Sakamoto, taking in the group as they stared at her, slowly looked at the ground. “Is this about that boy from your class?”

Hirose looked as though someone poured a bucket of ice water on his head, though Hifumi wasn’t quite sure why. Admittedly, it was a bit strange Sakamoto seemed to know of Nakamura’s disappearance, but not enough to warrant a reaction like that. The silence seemed to drag on until Mukai broke it.

“Word travels fast, huh?”

Sakamoto dug the toe of her shoe into the dirt, looking quite bashful, “Someone from my class was walking in the halls when they heard Mr. Otogiri talking about it.” Finally looking up at her boyfriend, the short girl’s round face drooped with worry. “Are you gonna help look for him?”

“Yeah, uh…” Hirose looked around at everyone before turning to leave. “Talk to you later!” Words rushing from his mouth, Hirose took off at speeds Hifumi didn’t know he possessed.

“Dude, don’t just run off!” Takeuchi started sprinting after him, Mukai sighing and jogging soon after.

‘How weird…’ Hifumi could only watch where the boys stood, the odd exchange not leaving her mind. Given the silence, she could only assume her friends and Sakamoto were doing the same.

“Um…” The small voice brought everyone from their thoughts, Sakamoto now taking a few small steps towards them. “You’re going too, right? Good luck.” Her words felt genuine, and with her slight bow, Hifumi tried to feel hopeful. She tried to believe they could actually find him. And as Yuuka and Masako both put a reassuring hand on her shoulders, maybe she could convince herself to.

“Thank you”

— — —

Hirose was slightly hunched over, hands on his knees as he panted heavily. He wasn’t sure what direction he ran in, or where he ended up. All he knew was that he was away from Hana Sakamoto.

‘And why does that make me feel relieved?’

He couldn’t wrap his light haired head around it. She was his girlfriend now. Even if the word felt foreign to him. Even if the concept disinterested him.

Even if the practice made his skin crawl.

“Hirose!” He didn’t need to turn around to know who was calling out to him. Instead, he remained where he was, trying to catch his breath as Takeuchi and Mukai caught up to him. “When the hell did you get so fast!?”

Thoughts still rampaging through his head, Hirose could only manage an empty chuckle and awkward smile in response.

“You didn’t have to run off like that, you know.” Mukai, approaching from behind Takeuchi, didn’t look too winded. “I’m sure Hana understands why you’re not walking with her.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Hirose stood up straight, but still didn’t meet either of his friends' eyes. ‘Actually, I’m positive he’s right.’

Unfortunately, that thought only served to confuse him more.

Sakamoto was nice. She was friendly. She always asked about his friends and family. She was cute. Polite. Considerate. Everything a guy could ask for. She was the ‘perfect girlfriend’. What’s more, he was doing everything he could to play the role of ‘perfect boyfriend’. And if the murmurs he heard in the school halls were anything to go by, he was playing it well. He knew of every comment made about how they were the perfect couple, because each and every one felt sharp and heavy in his chest. To Hirose, they barely counted as a couple. They’d only been dating for about four or five days (and he couldn’t help but wonder what it says about him that he already didn’t care to keep count), and yet everyone around him apparently already decided what their relationship was like. What he was like.

Nakamura would never do that with him.

The thought of his missing friend made his heart sink, and he finally looked up at his mini search party. “So, where should we start?”

Mukai looked at him incredulously, a single eyebrow cocked upwards. “I thought you had an idea where, given how you took off like a rocket.”

“Haha…” Hirose scratched his cheek, feeling them get a bit warm.

“Seriously, are you okay man?” Takeuchi looked at him with genuine concern. He was a good friend where it counted.

“He’s probably just worried about Nakamura.”

Hirose hummed in agreement, looking back at his feet. He wasn’t lying; it just wasn’t the whole truth. He wanted to talk to someone about his tornado of thoughts and feelings, but Mukai and Takeuchi weren’t the right people for that. How could he explain what he couldn’t fully understand himself? Hirose didn’t know much about relationships, but didn’t most people want their partner to get along with their friends? Hell, he didn’t even mind when Sakamoto talked to Mukai or Takeuchi.

Then she mentioned Nakamura.

She didn’t even know his name. Hirose couldn’t be sure she knew what he looked like. Despite that, the moment she brought him up, the moment she worriedly asked ‘Is this about that boy from your class?’ Hirose felt like his veins were made of static noise. There was no explanation he could find; nothing to make it make sense. But Okuto Nakamura and Hana Sakamoto were two separate worlds to Hirose, and the thought of them colliding filled him with unease. He knew what the others would say if he told them. Takeuchi would call him weird. Mukai would say he’s thinking too hard. Oomori would try to give helpful advice, but he knew as little about romance as he did. And Sakamoto… sweet and caring Sakamoto, would want to talk about it with him, to figure out what the issue was so they could solve it. She’d want him to help him look inwards so he could figure out just what his feelings were, when all he wanted was to leave them be. Yes, there was only one person he could talk about this with. Only one person who would listen without judgement.

And he was nowhere to be found.

“Hirose!”

The snapping of fingers in front of his face made Hirose flinch slightly, bringing him out of the trenches of his thoughts. Takeuchi was standing much closer than he was before, eyebrows furrowed.

“Damn, you’re out of it, huh? Did you hear anything we said?”

“N-no, sorry…” Hirose recognized that tone; Takeuchi was worried, but didn’t want to show it. When that voice came out, Hirose felt he could be just a little bit more honest than usual.

“We were asking if he mentioned any places special to him.” Mukai walked closer to them, both hands in his pockets. “You know him better than either of us.”

“No, he didn’t say anything.” Hirose wracked his brain for anything small he might have missed. Any detail that could help. “He’s a bit of a homebody. I know he likes bookstores and aquariums, but he never mentioned any place sentimental.”

“Sooo, you’re telling me we’re trying to find a missing person with nothing to go on.” Takeuchi slumped. For what it’s worth, Hirose noticed he didn’t mention bailing on them.

“You said he’s been quieter than normal lately, right? Can you think of anything that changed?” Mukai looked at him expectantly.

“Not really… Now that I think about it, the last time I spoke with him was a few days ago. He asked if we could walk home together, but I said I couldn’t. He seemed normal before then, I think. After that was when I noticed he got quieter, but I didn’t get a chance to talk about it with him.” Hirose decided to leave out the part where he blamed his girlfriend for that. Sakamoto seemed to be ready and eager to talk to him at every waking moment; from in between classes, to their lunch breaks, to before and after school. He never had a moment to himself anymore. It irked him.

“Mmm…” Mukai hummed, closing his eyes as he seemed to process his words. There was something about that hum that made Hirose curious as to what was going on in that head of his. The shorter boy couldn’t be sure if his laid back friend was surprised at the information, if he was putting pieces together, or if he was just as confused as him. Unfortunately, when Mukai spoke again, it wouldn’t answer any of these questions. “Anything else?”

Hirose closed his eyes, trying his hardest to think of something. When he came up empty, he just shook his head. He wasn’t sure if the other two were trying to think of something, but the silence grew loud in Hirose’s head as one question floated to the surface.

“... Am I a bad friend?”

“Huh?”

“I mean… he’s missing. And I can’t think of a single reason why.” Hirose absentmindedly hugged himself with one arm, his other lifting his thumb to his mouth as he nibbled on his fingernail. “Did I miss something important? Did he tell me something and I just didn’t notice?” A heavy weight on his shoulders stopped him from rambling on, Takeuchi’s voice loud next to his ears.

“C’mon, you’re awesome dude! I mean, it seems like you’re the only one who talks to him even though he’s kinda weird-”

Mukai smacked Takeuchi over the head, causing the latter to lose his balance.

Hirose sighed deeply. He supposed, in a way, he understood what Takeuchi meant. Still, the fact that most people still found Nakamura weird or scary looking made something in him ache. Was that part of why he was missing now? He knew Nakamura was shy, and, from what he gathered, had more than a few insecurities. But were those feelings intense enough to cause him to run away?

Without saying a word, Hirose started walking. Soon, he heard footsteps following him, presumably belonging to his friends. He wanted answers to the burning questions in his mind.

But more than anything, he wanted Nakamura, safe and sound.

— — —

The sky started to show the beginnings of a sunset, and Hifumi was growing dejected.

In order to cover more ground, the girls went in the opposite direction of where the boys ran off. At first, Hifumi felt a blazing inferno inside herself. Now, it was a small flame, threatening to go out at any moment. A sudden groan from Yuuka made Hifumi realize her two friends weren’t faring much better.

“Ugh, my feet are starting to hurt!”

“Same…” Masako sat on a nearby curb, rubbing her ankles. “It looks like the sun’s gonna set soon.”

Hifumi knew what she really meant by that; she was asking if they should go home for the day. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew they probably should. However, there was a feeling she couldn’t quite place, and it was screaming at her to stay. 

“Just… just a little longer. Please?”

“You know, I don’t mind looking around a bit more…” Yuuka said confidently, despite her previous complaints of her sore feet. “But where else can we look? Checking in random alleyways and behind old buildings isn't helping much.”

Unfortunately, she had a point.

Hifumi’s eyes fell shut as she thought hard about the possible remaining places to check. Hirose’s group was looking closer around Dangokaoka (or at least she assumed they were; with how Hirose took off, he surely had someplace in mind), while the girls had already looked around in the opposite direction, but to no avail. Hifumi slowly opened her eyes again, half lidded gaze pointed to the ground beneath her. It was then that she noticed some streaks in the dirt.

‘Bike marks?’

The short brunette’s eyes followed the lines, and found there were many tire marks.

‘Hirose said Nakamura has a bike, right?’

“Would either of you know if there’s a biking or hiking trail around here?”

“Hm?” Masako met her where she was standing, then followed her gaze towards the ground. A small, gentle sound told Hifumi the taller girl knew where her mind was headed. “Not to be pessimistic… but you know the odds of those being made by him are low, right?”

“I-I know that! I just…” Hifumi was no fool. She knew those tire marks could have been made at any time. They didn’t even know for certain Nakamura did have his bike with him. And yet, it was the only bit of hope they were able to find, even if it was miniscule. “I just figured… if he had his bike with him, maybe he went to one of them?”

Yuuka spoke without looking up from her phone. “I think there’s one nearby.” Hifumi snapped her head to her, and Yuuka held up her phone and pointed to it, though she likely knew neither of them could see the screen well from where they stood. “I thought this place looked a bit familiar. My dad likes to drag the family here on the occasional ‘bonding time’ or whatever. If you really wanna, we could take a look.”

Hifumi and Masako shared a look, like they were silently debating what to do next. Out of the three of them, Hifumi always thought Masako was the most level headed. While Hifumi liked to think things through logically, her emotions got the better of her more often than not, and anxiety directed a lot of her thoughts. Right now, Masako’s look said ‘Remember, the odds are low’.

But they weren’t zero.

“Yuuka, can you show us the way?”

— — —

Despite their tired feet, the group of girls hurried along quickly on the dirt path. They'd been walking for quite a while now, and the sky was slowly being painted orange. Hifumi knew once the sun set, her mother would be calling her to come back home. Yuuka and Masako's parents were more lenient with curfew, but Hifumi knew if they continued to find nothing, their little search-and-rescue team would disband.

So when they continued on the trail, Hifumi wasn't sure what to make of the slowly decreasing number of tire marks in the dirt.

There were a few possibilities: one, they'd come up empty handed. None of the tire marks belonged to him after all, and perhaps he never had his bike to begin with. Night would fall, along with any hopes of finding Nakamura.

Two, they'd find Nakamura any moment now. He'd likely be upset, but overall unharmed. They'd walk him home, he'd get his rest, and they'd see him in school tomorrow.

Three, they'd find Nakamura. But not how they'd want to. Hifumi didn't want to think beyond that.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t given a choice.

Following the turn the road in front of them took, all air left Hifumi’s lungs.

An abandoned bike, toppled over on its side.

Too many seconds passed for Hifumi to count. Maybe it had been minutes. Regardless, all three girls stood firmly in place, as if the bicycle were a deadly creature they dared not approach. Unsurprisingly, Yuuka seemed to be the bravest of them. Taking careful steps, her voice still shook slightly with the shallow chipperness.

“You've never seen his bike before, right?”

“N-no, I… h-haven't.” The tremble in Hifumi's voice seemed to travel through her whole body. Still, even though her legs were becoming wobbly and unstable, she let herself be pulled along by Masako. Once the trio surrounded the bike from all sides, they continued staring, hoping it would somehow give them insight on its owner. If they looked hard enough, perhaps Nakamura himself would materialize in front of them.

None of them acknowledged the elephant in the room, taking form in an easily climbable metal fence, blocking them off from a sizable drop.

But once again, Yuuka proved to be the bravest of them. Her head turned to it. No words were said. There were no suggestions. And yet…

“He wouldn't.” Despite her body still shaking, Hifumi’s voice was solid steel. If she said it with confidence, maybe it would ring true. “He wouldn't.” She'd say it as many times as she needed to, even when it felt like there were needles poking her wrists and a squeezing hand around her heart. “He…”

“Hifumi.” Masako gripped both her shoulders tightly. Though appearing more composed than her, she felt the shaky fingers on her shoulders. With unspoken agreement, Yuuka approached the fence. “Just look at me and breathe. Can you do that for me?”

Usually, the gentle tone of Masako’s voice would help calm her. Following her breaths as she inhaled slowly and exhaled even slower would ground her. That all seemed impossible when behind her, Yuuka bent over the railing, looking intently at the ground beneath the drop.

Hifumi was asked to breathe. Instead, she held her breath.

Silence.

A small gust of wind.

Silence.

A bird chirping.

Silence.

Then…

“I don't see anything.” Yuuka faced her two friends, and when Hifumi exhaled, she heard Masako do the same.

“So, do we think this is his bike or not?” Masako slowly removed her hands from Hifumi’s shoulders, turning her attention back to the bike on the ground.

“I have no idea.” Yuuka sighed as she stepped away from the metal rail, rejoining her friends. Then, they both looked at Hifumi, nonverbally asking her where they go from here. Hifumi inhaled an uneasy breath before turning to walk further down the path. She heard the gentle steps of her comrades follow her.

Minutes passed.

Hifumi’s eyes darted around every inch of her surroundings, desperate for any clue.

Minutes passed.

Masako looked deeply between the trees and bushes as they walked.

Minutes passed.

Yuuka kept peering over the railing when she thought no one was looking.

Minutes passed.

A single, distant sob.

All three of them abruptly stopped, listening restlessly. Frustratingly, it was quiet.

“Did you guys hear that, too?” When Hifumi spoke, it was almost a whisper, waiting for the sad sound to return. She found herself holding her breath again, using her heartbeat to count the seconds.

Another muffled sob.

The sound was undoubtedly coming from somewhere beyond the trees, a little further back from where they were, apparently having walked past the source. Hifumi walked close along the edges of the trees to see if there was a clear opening they could walk through. While not exactly a clear opening, she did find a small stretch of dirt, similar to the path they were currently walking on. The three teens all let out a small gasp of interest.

— — —

Nakamura didn’t know what time it was.

He assumed it was the day after he fled his home. The last thing he remembered was collapsing on the ground, clutching his notebook. When he next opened his eyes, it looked like the sun had begun rising. It didn’t matter. His eyes drifted closed again, still exhausted from the recently ended night. As it turned out, Nakamura would spend his day opening his eyes after slipping into unconsciousness, shiver from the cold, hold the custom manga with fingers he could barely feel, cry tears he somehow still had, fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.

Truthfully, he hadn’t meant to run away from home. He needed to do something to expel the seemingly endless amount of energy he swore his heartbreak gave him, but fatigue still got the best of him repeatedly. His stomach ached from hunger, and his mouth was dry from the repeated weeping, but somehow felt no desire to return home and eat his mother’s warm, mouth watering cooking. Instead, he rose slightly to once again kneel and lean over the open pages that he knew only served to mock him, but couldn’t bring himself to stop reading.

‘I like you just the way you are.’

A gentle hand that rested on the page soon became tense, crumpling the now messy page under a slightly clenched hand. His cold arms shook before giving out yet again, head falling on the page. He couldn’t help it. He let out a sob.

And another.

And another.

Until he was releasing another waterfall of tears, sore throat choking out painful gasps.

“Nakamura?”

The crying quieted slightly, but didn’t dissipate. Was he starting to hear things? Slowly, he lifted his head.

Kawamura stood several steps away, Hamaoka and Okuda lingering close by. First, Nakamura felt confusion. Then, humiliation. In a panic, he hunched further in on himself.

“I-I’m sorry! I-” Cutting himself off, Nakamura wasn't sure what exactly he was apologizing for. For disappearing? For essentially ruining the manga Kawamura worked hard making for him? He wanted to say something else. Something to convince them he was alright and to leave him to wallow on his own. Instead, his words were coming up empty, and Kawamura was making slow, careful steps towards him.

“I think I know why you’re out here.” At her words, Nakamura felt a strange kind of anxiety fill him. It only worsened as she crouched down in front of him, concerned eyes looking more welcoming that Nakamura would have liked. He watched them drift in the direction the other girls stood, though her head still faced his direction. Her eyes focused on him again. “You’re in love.” She was choosing her words carefully. A part of Nakamura wished she wouldn’t. “But, right now, it hurts too much.”

Nakamura knew he was too expressive for his own good, despite keeping as many words locked away as possible. But he never thought anyone would figure out his most closely guarded secret. When it was in his head, it was an unobtainable fantasy. When it was in his dreams, it was an escape from reality. Even when he spoke to Icchan, it was in the secure walls of his room.

When someone else spoke those words, it made it real. It brought it into the universe, planting it firmly in front of him, forcing him to confront every bittersweet memory. Every blissful, agonizing emotion. He had been careless. Now it wasn’t a secret just for him to know.

It was terrifying.

He simply couldn’t help himself.

Nakamura crumbled under kind, watchful eyes, his sorrowful cries drowning out the footsteps of his other classmates slowly inching closer. He could almost feel Kawamura’s hands hovering above him, unsure if she should offer the physical comfort.

“Hirose’s..”

“I know.”

Those words told Nakamura he didn’t have to say anything else. He didn’t listen.

“Why does it hurt so much!?” The question looping though his mind came out without much thought. Nakamura wasn’t sure what had gotten into him. Normally, his emotions were kept behind a sturdy dam, not a single drop escaping. Now that there had been a crack, the heavy water made the walls weak, causing it to break and send his river flowing freely, escaping from his eyes as he looked at Kawamura. “I’m supposed to be happy for him. Aren’t I?” His vision became much blurrier as the tears fell, but he could still make out how Kawamura’s eyes darted all over his face, as if the answers on what to say were written there.

“I don’t think anything about love is ever that simple.” The soft words, while uncertain, remained true and comforting. “Don’t beat yourself up over how you feel… please?” The almost begging tone stood out to Nakamura; like seeing him in this state hurt her just as much.

“B-but I… it’s not like I expected anything to happen between us to begin with. And he’s happy. I’m his friend, right? I’m supposed to be happy for him… happy for them. But… I’m selfish. I love him too much. Am I really that horrible!?”

Arms that felt significantly warmer than his found their way around his body, and he instinctively sought out the warmth. His cold, trembling hands loosely held on to the sleeves of Kawamura’s sweater. He held them as the tears slowed, not quite ready to stop.

“Hifumi’s right, you know!”

Nakamura’s wet eyes peered over the warm arm, and found Okuda crouching next to them. Once again, he felt the anxiety rise in his chest.

‘Shit!’ Nakamura hated that he completely forgot about the other two, apparently now close enough to have picked up on every word he said. ‘I basically just came out to them! And I mentioned Hirose, too!'  He knew the types of manga they read; they were the very same ones he had tucked away on his shelves at home. That piece of knowledge did nothing to ease the fear that they’d judge him. Hate him. But her eyes looked kind as she spoke.

“Seeing the person you love dating someone else would make anyone hurt. You’re not a bad person for feeling like that.” Okuda’s soft voice, little by little, helped ease the ache Nakamura felt in his chest. In all honesty, he hadn’t expected her to say anything. They barely knew each other. And the way Hamaoka joined her in crouching next to them told Nakamura he wasn’t done being surprised.

“You know… if anything I think that shows us what a good guy you are.” At Hamaoka’s words, Nakamura tried to swallow the ever growing lump in his throat, tears still trailing down his cheeks. “It’d be really easy to be bitter… to end up hating him. Or both of them. Instead, it sounds like you want more than anything to be happy for them instead.” She smiled at him weakly, and Nakamura didn’t know what to make of it. When she spoke again, her voice held a light, not-quite-happy chuckle. “If this happened to me, I’m not sure I’d be that strong.”

‘Strong.’

The word echoed, tauntingly. He felt anything but. And yet, as his face retreated back to Kawamura’s shoulder, he felt strangely comforted. He didn’t believe the sentiment. But someone else did, and perhaps for now, that could be enough.

A sudden surge of stress made him jump back from Kawamura’s hold.

“Please don’t tell anyone!” At his outburst, each girl let out a similar confused sound. “Please… don’t tell anyone that I’m… t-that I…” Now that he was faced with this reality, Nakamura came to the realization that he’s never even said the words ‘I’m gay’ out loud before. It was strange, the way he could wax poetics about his crush to his pet, but those two words felt like an insurmountable challenge.

Okuda's voice was a cross between surprised and assuring as she looked at him with slightly wide eyes. “We're not gonna out you, dude.” Nakamura's exhale was shaky and uneven, and he let the silence fall over them. He was never one for trusting people easy, and even now he couldn't be sure she'd keep her word. Still, even if they weren't close, he considered Kawamura a friend. And these were her friends, so he could at least put his faith in Kawamura’s judgment.

“So, do you read any BL?”

“Huh!?” Nakamura wished his voice hadn't come out so high pitched and strained, but nothing could have prepared him for Hamaoka’s question.

“Yuuka!” Okuda scolded her as Kawamura apologetically bowed her head to him repeatedly.

“What!? I'm just saying that- y'know…” lacking the confidence she asked her question with, Hamaoka kicked her foot lightly against the dirt. “He should probably get these feelings out somehow, right? I was just thinking we could talk about it together or something.”

“That's a great idea!” Kawamura grabbed Nakamura’s wrists and held them up gently. “We can add you to the group chat! And we can talk about the new Lovable Lunches volume when it comes out next week!”

“Oh? A man of culture, I see!” Okuda smirks, apparently also down for this plan.

“U-um, that's… I mean, I…” As always, Nakamura’s instinct was to deny the offer. To continue confiding in nobody but Icchan. Would it be nice to share his interests with someone? Of course. But the anxious teen wasn't sure he could be that brave. He looked between all three girls staring at him with the same expression. It wasn't quite excitement; it was more subdued than that. Was it hope? We're they really hoping he’d say yes? If they were, was it for his sake or theirs?

Perhaps it was the repeated emotional beatings that made him want it to be for him.

“... I'd like that.” Nakamura’s voice was quiet, yet hoarse, feeling torn up and strained after the past day. He half expected the girls to squeal, like he'd fallen into a trap. Instead, he was met with fond, relieved smiles.

“Do you have your phone with you, Nakamura?” Kawamura asked, her own phone in her hands.

“N-no, sorry. I left it in my room.” It maybe wasn't his smartest move, but he wasn't exactly in a sound state of mind when he left.

“Here, put your number in.” Kawamura handed him her phone, then reached down to pick up the notebook. “We can write ours in here.” Nakamura was about to protest, given the book's contents, but then he remembered that Hamaoka and Okuda were present when he made the request to have the first part drawn.

‘Maybe I shouldn't be surprised Kawamura figured it out…’

“Sorry about that, by the way.” Nakamura gestured to the notebook in question, currently opened to the very back page as a phone number under her name was scribbled in. “You worked so hard to make it for me. And I kinda ruined it…”

“It's okay, really!” Kawamura handed the book to Okuda, and began typing something out on her phone. “I can make another one for you. O-only if you want me to!”

Nakamura contemplated the offer. On one hand, the manga had started off as a great comfort to him. On the other, it was the very book he soiled with tears and snot because it became too painful to read. “... I'll think about it.”

“Here you are!” He turned to see Hamaoka, smiling and handing him the closed book. He took it with weak, shaky hands.

“AH!”

They all jumped at Kawamura’s sudden outburst, causing him to nearly drop the book. Then, she was fretting over him with newfound franticness. “Have you been out here all night!? You must be starving!”

“Oh, that's-” While he certainly couldn't ignore the emptiness in his stomach, he still wasn't in the mood for food. Regardless, Kawamura reached into her school bag and pulled out her bento box, opening it to reveal the half eaten food inside.

“It's not much, but eat this.” As he loosely gripped the lunchbox, Okuda had a water bottle in her hand.

“You can have the rest of my water if you want. I barely drank any.”

Hamaoka held her phone screen up to him. “Oh, and what's your address? We'll walk you home.”

Nakamura felt his eyes fill with tears again.

— — —

As the sky turned a deep orange, the sun starting to disappear behind the horizon line, the walk to Nakamura’s house had been fairly quiet. The girls occasionally spoke to each other, asking Nakamura a simple question here and there, to which he’d respond with either a hum or a quiet word or two. Despite his weak protests, Kawamura insisted he finish her lunch leftovers. Admittedly, he did feel a bit better after he had food and water in his stomach. Though, he still felt too weak to push his bike along, so Okuda was doing it for him, notebook having been placed in the bike’s basket (and he was still mildly embarrassed by the way he almost immediately dropped it when he first tried pushing it along). Once they turned at the upcoming intersection, they'd be but a few short blocks away from his house.

Fate would not be so kind.

“Nakamura!”

Under normal circumstances, Nakamura would have jumped for joy at the sound of that angelic voice calling his name, chestnut colored hair bouncing as its owner ran over to close the distance between them.

These were not normal circumstances. Nakamura felt his gut twist.

“Uh-” He wasn’t sure which of the girls the concerned sound came from. At the moment, it didn’t matter, and he stood frozen in place as Hirose continued towards them. He abruptly stopped as Hamaoka moved to stand in front of him.

“Hirose! You’re still out here?”

“Yeah, when Kawamura texted saying you guys found him, I thought I’d stick around to see if I could run into you.” Despite his better judgement, Nakamura lifted his head ever so slightly, eyes peering through his dark bangs to catch a glimpse of Hirose. The shorter boy was awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, and Nakamura registered Mukai and Takeuchi’s presence for the first time, still working on catching up with Hirose. “Though, I guess I coulda just asked to meet you guys.” Then, his beautiful, concerned eyes looked past Hamaoka and directly at him. Nakamura felt something from the pit of his stomach rise. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”

‘Why did he have to be so kind?’ Nakamura tore his gaze away, returning it to the pavement. If Hirose were simply a bad person, perhaps Nakamura would no longer feel pulled in his direction. Instead, Nakamura found that, in spite of the harsh, painful heartbreak, he still loved Hirose more than anyone. Than anything. It felt like salt in the wound. After too long, Nakamura realized eyes were on him; Hirose’s, still awaiting an answer. The girls’, seemingly ready to take action at any moment. Nakamura swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I’m fine.” It was a weak, pathetic lie; the only kind suiting of how he felt. Even saying it, Nakamura knew no one would believe him. They had no reason to. But what else could he possibly say?

“Are you sure–” The question barely out of Hirose’s mouth, Hamaoka took a few steps closer to him, causing him to take a few steps of his own backwards.

“Actually,” Nakamura noticed that as she spoke, Kawamura leaned against the front of his bike, blocking the basket from the other group. At the same time, Okuda flipped the notebook upside down, hiding the title from the world. While not exactly subtle, the gestures made his heart soften and ache all at once. “Takeuchi, can you and the boys do me a favor?”

“Y-yes, of course!” Takeuchi’s voice was loud and sharp. “Anything for you, my love!”

“Mr. Otogiri seemed pretty worried about Nakamura today, right? Can you guys check if he’s still at the school and tell him he’s okay?”

“Huh!?” Hirose, not fond of the request, protested. “He can go by himself just fine.”

“But it’s starting to get dark, right? It’s not safe to go alone!” Hamaoka’s back faced Nakamura, but when she leaned in towards Takeuchi, he could only assume she was giving him her best puppy dog eyes. “Pretty please? For me?”

Even with the orange glow of sunset, the blush quickly growing on Takeuchi’s was clear, and he failed to hold in a giddy noise he’d deny being a squeal.

“Of course! We’ll head over right now!”

“What!? No way! Besides, would they even let us in the building this late?”

“We gotta try, dude!”

“Why?”

“Because Yuuka asked us to!”

“Then go by yourself!”

“But she asked us all to go!”

Nakamura listened to the bickering, wishing he didn’t feel Hirose’s eyes continuously flicker over to him. In the midst of the childish quarrel, he swore he heard Mukai mutter something under his breath. It sounded like ‘Of course’, or something along those lines, but due to the distance and volume, he couldn’t be sure. Then, the tall young man in question placed his hand behind Hirose’s shoulder, pushing him along as he walked- in the direction of the school.

“C’mon, let’s get this over with.”

“Seriously!?

Nakamura was sure they continued their back and forth as they walked away, but Nakamura didn’t hear any of it. Of course, the moment he began to feel slightly better, Hirose was thrown right in front of him. Why was the universe always so cruel? Before he could spiral too deep into his thoughts, a gentle hand on his arm made him look up at Kawamura’s concerned face.

“Are you okay?”

Nakamura contemplated repeating the same lie from earlier; it was his instinctual response. Looking at the group of three, he decided that, after what they’ve done for him, they deserved better than that. Still, the truth hurt too much to say.

“I wanna go home now.”

Silently and slowly, four pairs of feet moved across the pavement.

— — —

The Nakamura household came into view, and while the eldest child of said household was glad to be back, he was surprised to see his sister sitting on the steps to their front door. When they locked eyes, hers grew wide, and though they butted heads often, he couldn’t help but feel guilty about the large, dark bags under her eyes.

“Okuto!” Kana stood on the steps, taking in his appearance. He wasn’t sure what she saw; he could see his hands burning a bright pink from the cold, but there was little else he could see of himself. After looking him up and down, she spoke again. “Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s out looking for you!” His little sister’s voice held its usual annoyance, but there was an undertone of something he couldn’t recognize.

Nakamura wasn’t quite sure who ‘everyone’ was; his mother and father to be sure, but he couldn’t think of anyone else who’d be looking for him, not being particularly close with any of his family members. Regardless, he didn’t have the energy for their typical arguing. “Sorry for causing trouble.”

“T-that’s not-!” Apparently not expecting this response, Kana shuffled in place, unsure of what to do or say. Eventually, she settled on something. “I’m calling mom!”

Kana quickly retreated inside, and after putting Nakamura’s bike away, remembering to take the notebook with him, he began to do the same.

“I guess this is where we part ways?” Kawamura stood at the bottom of the steps, Okuda and Hamaoka on either side of her.

It was the logical conclusion of the day, wasn’t it? Unfortunately, Nakamura felt an act of selfishness tugging at his mind. Not having enough strength to fight it, he made his request. “Actually, uh… Can you stay? Until my parents get back?”

They did without question.

They sat on the couch in silence, and the rest of the night was a blur for Nakamura. He remembers the warmth of his home soothing his weary bones. He remembers his mother hugging him tightly, telling him how worried she was. He remembered his father staring at him, usual emotionless mask cracking slightly as his mother spoke with the girls. He remembers making his way up the stairs, Kana telling him she fed Icchan for him before hiding in her room. Finally, he remembers plopping down on his bed, immediately pulling the covers around him. Before sleep overtook his body, he willed himself to stay awake long enough to say something he couldn’t recall saying that evening.

— — —

Okuto Nakamura’s Phone

New Contact Added

To: Kawamura

Thank you

— — —

Finally ready to attempt some proper rest, Nakamura’s arm slumped sideways on his bed, phone bouncing slightly as it fell on the mattress. He wasn’t sure what the odds were that a substantial friendship would be formed with Kawamura, Hamaoka, and Okuda.

But as his eyes fell closed, he hoped they weren’t zero.