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Buck was exhausted.
After an especially long and difficult shift, every muscle in his body seemed to ache. His shoulders hurt from all the lifting, his legs felt like they were made of lead, and his head felt twice as heavy as usual. He had been tired for a long time now.
But it wasn't just work.
He was tired of everything.
His family had forgiven him.
Really forgiven him.
The 118 was his family again. They could talk, joke around, and sometimes even spend time together. Nobody threw what he had done in his face anymore. Eddie had told him that he understood. Hen and Chimney had made it clear that they weren't going to abandon him. Even Bobby, though disappointed at first, had eventually allowed Buck to return to his normal life.
And yet none of that made Buck feel better.
Because being forgiven by other people didn't mean he knew how to forgive himself.
All day long, he tried to act normal. He laughed when someone made a joke. He answered questions. He did his job the way he always did.
He saved people.
But somewhere deep inside, he felt as though something in him had broken.
He had wanted his family back.
Instead, because of his own decisions, he had lost them for more than a month.
More than a month without Christopher.
More than a month without movie nights at Eddie's house. Without staying up too late watching movies. Without hearing Christopher's laughter coming from the other side of the house. Without baking cookies together and somehow ending up with flour absolutely everywhere.
Things were better now.
They really were.
But Buck still missed them.
And somehow, that was what hurt the most.
When he got home, he closed the door behind him and stood there in silence for a moment. He kicked off his shoes, dropped his bag and rubbed a hand over his face.
He didn't even have the energy to make himself something to eat.
All he wanted was a shower.
The hot water ran over his neck and shoulders, and Buck closed his eyes. Slowly, the tension began to leave his body. The pain in his muscles didn't disappear completely, but it became easier to ignore.
For a few minutes, everything was okay.
He didn't think about court.
He didn't think about what he had done.
He didn't think about Christopher.
He simply stood beneath the water and breathed.
Eventually, he stepped out of the shower, dried himself and put on nothing but a pair of boxers. He didn't have the energy for anything else.
He lay down on his back and stared at the ceiling.
One minute passed.
Then another.
His thoughts refused to disappear.
He turned his head toward the clock.
12:17 a.m.
He sighed.
He closed his eyes.
He tried to sleep.
His mind had other plans.
He thought about Eddie.
About Christopher.
About everything that could have been different if he had only made different choices.
Eventually, exhaustion won.
Buck fell asleep.
And then he was there again.
“Buck!”
His eyes opened.
He was standing in the middle of an empty street.
He didn't know exactly where he was, but in front of him was a road leading straight toward a pier. There were no cars. No people. No sounds except the distant roar of water.
And then he saw it.
A massive wave.
A tsunami.
The water was coming toward him at an impossible speed.
“Buck!”
He turned around.
Christopher was standing several yards away.
“Chris!”
Buck started running toward him.
Only then did he notice that the boy was hurt.
There was a cut across his forehead. Blood ran down his face, and his clothes were torn and covered in dirt. Scratches covered his arms and legs.
“Buck, help me!”
Buck stopped.
He looked at the wave.
It was getting closer.
“Chris, we have to get out of here!”
“Then help me!”
Buck tried to move.
His legs wouldn't cooperate.
It was as though something was holding him to the ground.
“Buck!”
Christopher screamed again.
“You can't leave me!”
“I won't leave you!”
“Really?”
Buck looked at him.
Christopher stared back with sadness in his eyes.
“Do you care about me?”
“Of course I care about you.”
“Then why did you lose me?”
Something tightened in Buck's throat.
“Chris...”
“I thought you cared about me.”
“I do care about you,” Buck said, his voice shaking. “D-don't you dare say I don't.”
Christopher slowly shook his head.
“If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have lost me.”
The wave was almost behind him.
“CHRIS!”
Buck threw himself forward.
Too late.
The water crashed into them with tremendous force.
Buck felt himself being lifted off the ground. Water filled everything around him. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see.
He tried to find Christopher.
He reached out.
Nothing.
“CHRIS!”
His scream disappeared beneath the roar of the water.
Then everything went silent.
Buck opened his eyes.
He was standing somewhere he had never seen before.
Bodies were everywhere around him. Victims of the tsunami. Rescue workers moved between them, checking each person one by one.
Buck started searching.
One body.
Another.
Another.
None of them was Christopher.
“Where are you?”
His voice trembled.
“Chris?”
He kept walking.
And then he saw the black plastic sheet.
He stopped.
His heart began pounding.
No.
No, no, no.
He walked closer.
His hands started shaking.
He grabbed the edge of the sheet.
“Please...”
He pulled it back.
Christopher.
Buck couldn't breathe.
“No...”
He dropped to his knees.
“Chris? Chris, wake up.”
He touched the boy's cheek.
Cold.
“No, no, no...”
He shook his shoulder.
“Chris, please.”
Tears streamed down his face.
“Don't do this to me.”
Christopher opened his eyes.
Buck froze.
“But you did this to me.”
“No...”
“This is your fault.”
“Chris...”
“You couldn't even save me.”
“I'm sorry.”
“It doesn't change anything.”
Buck screamed.
And woke up.
He shot upright in bed.
He was breathing heavily, unevenly, as if he had just run several miles. His entire body was covered in sweat. His heart was beating so hard that for a moment he was convinced it was going to burst through his chest.
He looked around.
His bedroom.
His bedroom.
He was safe.
Christopher was safe.
It had only been a dream.
Just a nightmare.
And yet the pain he felt was real.
Buck wiped his face with his hand.
The tears wouldn't stop.
He looked at the clock.
3:04 a.m.
He hadn't even been asleep for three hours.
He leaned against the headboard and tried to steady his breathing.
It didn't work.
Christopher's voice was still echoing inside his head.
“If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have lost me.”
Buck squeezed his eyes shut.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered.
The room remained silent.
He reached for his phone.
The screen lit up the darkness.
He opened his contacts.
His thumb stopped over one name.
Eddie.
Should he call?
It was three in the morning.
Eddie was probably asleep.
Buck didn't want to wake him.
He didn't want to be a burden.
He put the phone down.
A few seconds later, he picked it up again.
He couldn't do this alone.
He dialed the number.
One ring.
Two.
Three.
“Hello...?”
Eddie's voice was hoarse and clearly half-asleep.
Buck opened his mouth.
“Eddie...”
That was all he managed.
His voice broke.
There was a short silence on the other end.
“Buck? Are you okay? What happened?”
Buck tried to answer.
He couldn't.
Only a sob escaped his throat.
Eddie immediately woke up.
“Buck, can you hear me?”
Another sob.
“Okay. Hey. Listen to me. I'll be there soon, okay? Don't hang up.”
“Eddie...”
“I'm here.”
And this time, Buck believed him.
He didn't know exactly how much time passed before he heard a key turning in the lock.
A moment later, Eddie walked into the apartment.
He hadn't even taken off his jacket.
He went straight to the bedroom.
He found Buck sitting on the floor beside the bed. His knees were pulled against his chest, his arms wrapped around them.
Eddie crouched in front of him.
“Buck.”
Buck looked up.
His eyes were red.
“Hey,” Eddie said softly. “Look at me.”
Buck tried.
“I can't...”
“Can't what?”
Buck pressed a hand against his chest.
“Breathe.”
Eddie immediately sat beside him.
“Okay. With me. Slowly.”
He placed a hand on Buck's back.
“Inhale.”
Buck took a breath.
“And exhale.”
Buck let it out shakily.
“Again.”
Slowly, Buck's breathing began to even out.
Eddie didn't move his hand from his back.
He didn't tell Buck that everything was going to be fine.
He didn't tell him to stop crying.
He simply stayed.
When Buck finally calmed down, Eddie helped him to his feet.
They sat on the bed.
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
“What happened?” Eddie finally asked.
Buck lowered his eyes.
“I had a nightmare.”
“About the tsunami?”
Buck nodded.
“I have them every day.”
Eddie looked at him, pain flashing across his face.
“Every day?”
“Since then.”
Buck swallowed.
“But tonight was different.”
“How?”
Buck was silent for a long moment.
“Christopher was there.”
Eddie went still.
“He was hurt. He was calling for me. And I... I couldn't move.”
Buck's voice began to break again.
“He said I lost him. That if I really loved him, I never would have lost him.”
Eddie didn't answer immediately.
Buck wiped his tears.
“Then the wave took him.”
“Buck...”
“I found his body.”
Eddie felt his chest tighten.
“That wasn't the real Christopher.”
“I know.”
“It was a nightmare.”
“I know.”
Buck looked at him.
“But it sounded like something that could happen.”
“No.”
“Eddie...”
“No, Buck. Listen to me.”
Eddie turned toward him.
“You saved him.”
Buck shook his head.
“You saved him,” Eddie repeated. “He's alive because of you.”
Buck stared at him for several seconds.
“Do you understand?”
Buck didn't answer.
“Chris is alive, Buck.”
“I know.”
“He's safe.”
“I know.”
“And he loves you.”
Buck pressed his lips together.
“You can't let one nightmare tell you who you are.”
Buck lowered his eyes.
“What if I deserve it?”
Eddie immediately shook his head.
“You don't.”
“I did something terrible.”
“You did something you regret.”
“Isn't that the same thing?”
“No.”
Eddie took his hand.
“Do you know the difference?”
Buck looked at him.
“A person who does something wrong and feels nothing doesn't sit on the floor at three in the morning crying because he's afraid he hurt someone he loves.”
Buck's eyes filled with tears again.
“I miss him.”
“I know.”
“I miss all of you.”
Eddie squeezed his hand.
“I know.”
“I'm scared it will never be like it was before.”
Eddie was quiet for a moment.
“Maybe it won't.”
Buck looked at him, hurt.
“But that doesn't mean it has to be worse.”
The words hung between them.
Eventually, Buck moved closer.
He rested his head against Eddie's shoulder.
Eddie wrapped an arm around him without saying a word.
Buck gripped his shirt.
“Stay?”
“Of course.”
“Until I fall asleep?”
“For as long as you want.”
Buck closed his eyes.
After a few minutes, his breathing began to slow.
Eddie sat beside him, gently running his fingers through Buck's hair.
Buck fell asleep.
This time there was no tsunami.
No screaming.
No blood.
No Christopher lying beneath a black sheet.
For the first time in a very long time, Buck slept peacefully.
And Eddie stayed beside him until morning.