Chapter Text
9:45 AM September 14th
If I had to use 1 word to describe how I felt the morning of the accident, I wouldn’t exactly say darkness or depression, but it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows.
The day started out what you might define as “normal” if you used restricting words like that. I was leant up against my locker fidgeting with the buckle on the strap of my backpack. Noel, Penny, and Sam were standing in a vague suggestion of a semi-circle around me.
Sam seemed very awake, as his eyes were far more open than they normally were. He was wearing the red vest of the school uniform and wore a white cotton shirt underneath with the cuffs unbuttoned. He had picked at the cuffs and now the seams were starting to come undone. Every inch of Noel’s uniform appeared to have been lint rolled and ironed the night before, his cuffs were buttoned and now he was tugging at the sleeves trying to make them look straighter, but every attempt seemed to anger him more. Penny had obviously not ironed her uniform like Noel had, however every inch of it appeared to be meticulously clean and now she was staring at the ground nervously playing with her braids and humming to herself. Mary’s small china head was sticking out of her bag.
After a minute of silence, she spoke.
“The bus is almost here,” she said, her voice low but trembling.
“I’m so nervous,” Noel exclaimed.
“You’ll both do great,” Sam said, offering his hand to Penny who squeezed it and promptly pulled him in for a hug. Sam looked surprised but not uncomfortable with the gesture. She pulled away and returned to fiddling with her hair again.
Outside, the bus horn was honking like mad which brought us all out of our trance-like state. I picked up Noel’s bag and handed it to him and Sam and I walked them to the door of the bus.
They looked so scared.
I waved goodbye to Penny through the window as the bus pulled away.
Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever see her. The last conversation I would ever have with her.
The rest of the day ticked by very slowly just like any other day, that is to say, some parts were faster than others and I ached to get back to the apartment, plop on what is somehow legally classified as a bed and drown out the sounds of Mr. Coalt, our landlord and legally speaking foster parent, watching the news.
Nevertheless we walked back inside, went to class, and that was that.
It’s weird how when something in your life is going to happen, the seconds leading up to it feel like any other day. It’s weird how life never warns you that something bad in your life is going to happen and you should treasure the ticking seconds you have before it does. And of course, I was clueless of the fact that something life-altering was about to happen as I sat there learning algebra.
I did all my classes, I learned all my subjects, and by the time gym rolled around I was mentally exhausted, and in no mood to exercise my physical limits. But I was already riding on a thin track and it would’ve been my 5th suspension that month, so I stayed. God I wish I hadn’t stayed.
We were playing dodgeball, a pointless sport, like most, I mean what even is the point. Like why throw a ball at someone else if it’s soft and you can’t– right ok, getting off track, need to focus, maybe I shouldn’t have sold my ritalin after all. Ha ha, funny joke, now you laugh.
…
…
Anyways, we were playing dodgeball, Mr. Winters was yelling at me for throwing the dodgeball “too hard”. Like I said, what's the point if it’s that soft?
“It’s not like I broke it, besides you forced me to play!” I yelled, drawing onlookers. Good, I wanted people to see this. I was too tired to put on a smile today.
“That’s not the point!” he yelled, “Her nose is bleeding!”
I was about to respond with an argument that would’ve destroyed anything he could’ve said next when a much louder voice boomed from the door to the gym.
It was the guidance counsellor, Mr. McKaffy, standing in the door, calling my name.
“Ezra Lamb!” he yelled.
“Oh great,” I thought, “what did I do this time?”
The next thing I knew time had stopped, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t even feel grief. Out of all the things to lose this was the worst.
The Saskatchewan Sabers had lost the playoffs.
No, I’m kidding, of course I’m kidding, why wouldn’t I be kidding, that’s so weird that you thought I wasn’t kidding, what is wrong with you! Of course I’m kidding! It was a joke! Hahaha…
He actually told me about the accident.
Now I know that isn’t something to joke about necessarily, but when you’ve lost your only remaining family member, and you’ve got the life that I have and the time that I have, you need to cope somehow!
Anyways, he said that the some of the choir, including Noel, had boarded a rollercoaster but that the ride had malfunctioned and they had gotten thrown off. I felt sick. I didn't want to hear this from him. I didn't want to hear this from anyone but Penny. What about Penny? Did she board the ride?
Yes of course, he didn’t actually tell me that my sister died, he told me that Noel Gruber had died along with at least 4 other members of the choir. He said he told me this to spare me the later pain at the assembly as apparently I was Noel’s only friend.
According to Mr. McKaffy, he had no one else that he talked to, well other than the people in the choir and Sam.
Right, yes, Sam, what was I going to tell him? Did he know? Had Mr. McKaffy interrupted his class to tell him?
Deep down, I held a tiny sliver of hope that Penny had made it out alive, that maybe I could talk to her again, but I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t. In Elysium, we never got to ride rollercoasters. She loved rollercoasters. It was the first thing she'd wanted to try as soon as she'd made enough money for it.
They had an assembly right after that, and I couldn’t help but feel my heart sink when I heard the names of the dead choir members. They read five names. Noel Gruber, Mischa Bachinski, Ricky Potts, he always seemed kind, Ocean Rosenburg, and Constance Blackwood. But no sign of the name Penny Lamb. She was there. She was at that performance. She was with the choir! It's possible she didn’t get on the ride? But she would never pass up that chance.
Of course, one unmemorable student didn’t seem to be any sort of missing detail to them. I felt myself start to pool that hope that maybe she survived, because if she died they would’ve found her, wouldn’t they? But if she didn’t they would’ve brought her back with them then? I got the dreaded sinking feeling again. There were so many ways she could have died and they wouldn’t have found her body. Nope, too many dark thoughts. I had promised that I wouldn't let my mind go there.
Eventually, the assembly ended, I couldn’t wait to get out of there, sitting in the hot, sweaty, suffocating gym, with hundreds of students who had never really cared about them, had never even talked them except to tease and bully them, but now pretended to have. They didn’t understand how it felt, to lose someone.
I needed to clear my thoughts, rid my body of that terrible sinking feeling. I didn’t even take the bus. I walked all the way home, and by the time I got home, I was fully numb, both physically and emotionally, and drenched in sweat. I grabbed the mail, not even looking at it, as most of it would probably be for Penny, or the landlord, when something caught my eye.
Eviction Notice
“What?!!!” I did a double take. How could he evict us?! Was that even legally allowed?!! Like he had never properly adopted us, but still?! I put the notice on my desk in my room, putting it aside for later. I opened my phone, but immediately closed it as I couldn’t even risk seeing anything about the choir right now.
I laid down on my bed on my back, racking my brain for anything to slow it down so I could sleep even the smallest amount. The possibility that Penny was alive felt 0 to none.
Eventually, around 11 PM, I fell asleep, determined not to wake up. Whatever the next day had in store, I didn’t want to know.
11:00 PM September 14th