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Grace was apparently deep in thought. His brows were furrowed and he wasn't really looking at anything in particular. He was biting his lower lip, same as he always did when thinking. He seemed to always have something to think about these days, though I guess being bedridden gives you a lot of time, and not so much to do. What could be on his mind that has him so distracted? He was probably thinking about his home planet. I don't think there's a day that goes by where he doesn't miss Earth. He talks about it with me a lot. I've learned much about Earth biology and Human culture from him. I could listen to him talk about his home for centuries upon centuries, if only it didn't make him so sad. He smiles and laughs when he recounts his memories from there, but no matter how hard he tries to hide it, there's still an overwhelming feeling of sadness that lingers around him. But even then, when we offered to send him home all those years ago, he refused.
I wish I knew why. I want to know what was so important to him here that he would give up going home.
Of course I was secretly ecstatic when he decided to stay. I would never make him stay if he didn't want to, but I'm also not entirely sure what I would have done with myself if he'd left. I don't understand it, it's not as if I'm alone here. I have my beloved mate Adrian, and I have my family and friends. But even then, when I think of living my life without Grace in it, it just feels wrong. Lonely. Empty. But even then, a part of me right now wishes he did leave. It's… not easy to watch your best friend die.
I knew it was going to happen. He told me many many times that humans at most only live a century, and that he almost certainly wouldn't reach it to that age (it's honestly a bit of a miracle that he made it to 70). He reminded me every day that his time with me was limited, not with words but with the way his joints deteriorated and how his heart had to work harder with every pump. He's become so weak to the point where he cannot get out of bed without being carried. I would gladly carry him to the ends of the universe, but that doesn't change how scared I am. He doesn't have much time left. He said that he’s made his peace with his death, but I haven't. How could I? He saved my life and the lives of my entire species. He brought me back home to my mate. And he's been the best friend someone like me could ask for. How am I supposed to just… move on?
I hear grace shuffle in place before glancing in my direction.
“Hey Rock? Can I talk to you about something for a sec?” He asks. His hands are fidgeting.
“Of course, friend Grace. Always happy to talk, happy to listen”
He pats the bed beside him, inviting me to curl up next to him. I of course oblige without hesitation. I have come to cherish all the physical contact that he gives me. Always with a layer of xenonite between us, but sometimes if I imagine really hard, I can feel his skin directly on my carapace. It's not enough.
I tuck four of my legs underneath me (Grace calls this “loafing”, apparently this is also something that an Earth animal called a ‘cat’ does. I teased him sometimes about comparing me to a pet, but stopped after I once called him my pet. He got very still after that and quickly changed the subject. I'm not sure what that was about, but I stopped teasing him about it after that). I reach out my free hand and place it in one of Grace’s. He squeezes it 3 times, and I do it back. I think this means something in human culture, but he hasn't told me.
Grace speaks.
“You remember being alone together on the ship?” he asks.
“Of course I remember, cannot forget. Grace stupid,” I tease. He chuckles.
“Yeah, I know you remember. Me? I don't think I could ever forget.”
“Do you wish you could forget?” I ask. “It was scary not knowing if you would make it to Erid. You were in much pain. Do not want you to remember that.”
“Well, yeah that was certainly not pleasant. But I meant the time we spent together. Did you ever get tired of me?” He chuckled to himself.
“Could never get tired of Grace. Love Grace, want to be with you forever.”
He’s very quiet for a while. I'm starting to worry that I said something wrong when he turns to fully face me.
“I love you. I am in love with you. And I have been ever since you saved my life.” I hear tears start to form in the corner of his eyes, but I don't try to wipe them away. I'm frozen in place.
“I never wanted to tell you, I just couldn't get between you and Adrian like that. But I just… I feel like I haven't been honest with you for so many years, and I don't want to die without telling you the truth.”
We sat in silence for a while, the only sounds coming from the machinery keeping him alive. I can tell it's making him nervous, but I just can't think of anything to say. I don't think there are words that can describe how I'm feeling. Instead, I stand up from my spot beside him, turn around, and wrap all my arms around his chest. I can hear his heartrate increase as he does the same, leaning into the hug and finally letting the tears in his eyes fall. I can only imagine how much of a relief it is to get that off his chest. It's been almost 40 years that he’s kept that secret. I wish he had told me sooner. I'm still not sure what to say.
“Grace, I-”
- - -
“I love you too” I hum to the stone in front of me.
It's been a month since he died. He had requested to be buried in his biodome, and have his grave marked by a square-ish gray stone that lay flat on top. It read:
Savior Ryland Grace
I λ I ℓ I - I λ λ λ +
‘The stars are in his debt’
...
If I listen hard enough, I can hear him down there.
I've been sitting here for many days. Adrian comes to check on me every day, but they only linger to watch me sleep.
The world feels so empty now that he's gone.
I had so much time to prepare. I knew we only had so much time left. After he confessed to me, I thanked him for telling me. I should have told him how much he meant to me. I should have said that I loved him too. I should have said something. But I couldn't. And I left.
When I came back 3 hours later, he was already gone.
I've had a lot of time to think about what he said.
He loved me, and for a very long time. Since we were on the Mary. For Grace that must have felt like forever ago. Did he spend all those years pining after me? Or did he just silently accept that I didn't feel the same and move on. It didn't sound like he had moved on.
Oh Grace. Why couldn't you have just said something earlier. Even if I’d refused, that would have to be better than not knowing, right?
…
Would I have refused?
I loved him, more than anything. But it wasn't in the same way he loved me. Right?
No. I mean, he was my friend. The best friend I've ever and will ever have.
A friend that I almost died for. And who almost died for me.
One that I would have crossed galaxies for.
Who I haven't spent longer than a day away from for the past 40 years.
Oh.
- - -
“You know, I really don't need all that space. I'm only 1 guy, I'd be able to live with something a tenth of this size,” Grace said. I was finally giving him a tour of his new biodome. It was nearly complete, only needing some fine tuning with Grace’s input.
“Want Grace to thrive. You save my life and all Erid life. Is least we can do,” I sing.
I was quite proud of how the dome had turned out. I was the one to oversee the entire project, having say over every feature and detail. I made certain that it had everything Grace could possibly want, and then some. After all, the only reason he was here was because of me. It really is the least I could do.
“Only the best for my Grace.”
He stumbled a little bit when I said that. I could hear blood rushing to his face.
“Your Grace, huh?” He laughs. It's such a beautiful sound, I could listen to it forever.
“It is true! We both know you are my favorite leaky space-blob”
“Aw shucks. Well you're my favorite scary space spider.”
He sits down on the sand next to me and begins to lean against my carapace. I, in turn, lean against him. (Not my entire body weight of course, I would topple him over and crush him).
“It really is beautiful, buddy. I don't think I could ever thank you enough for this.”
“There is no need. Just knowing it makes you happy is enough,”
We lean against each other until the artificial sun sets on the biodome. I can't see it, but from watching Grace’s face I know it was all worth it.
- - -
Of course I would realize how I felt when it was too late.
In hindsight, it's overwhelmingly obvious that I loved him. Stars, every waking thought I had always had something to do with him. I have been terribly in love with him for decades and only now do I realize it.
What's wrong with me?
If I had only realized this sooner, we could have been something. He wouldn't have had to yearn for so long. Could I have made him happier that way? Has he felt alone all these years?
He died without ever even knowing if I felt the same.
It's finally starting to hit me. He was gone. I was never going to hear his voice again, or tease him, or touch him again. I was being forced to live out the rest of my long life without him in it. Even just thinking about it is torturous.
I missed my chance to tell him what he really meant to me. That's what hurts me the most. Even if I didn't confess everything to him, I still should have told him how much I cared. How he was everything to me. I wanted him to know that everything I did for him was because he was the single most important being in the universe to me. I fed my love for him into every action I took to make his life better, but I never told him outright.
I think about our last moments together. About how I just left after he poured his heart out to me. It will always be my biggest regret in life. Why did I leave? Was it really that hard for me to deal with my thoughts and be there for him at the same time?
“..Rocky..?”
I can't even begin to imagine how he felt. Watching me leave while he was dying. I hope he didn't think it was his fault for driving me away. It's already too late to tell him that the reason I left was because I'm too much of a coward to face my feelings head on.
“My love, are you still here with me?”
I really am the worst aren't I? I should have been there for him. I messed up and its too late to fix it. Grace deserved so much better than this. He deserved better than-
I feel a tap on one of my legs. I didn't even notice Adrian approach. I lifted one of my arms slightly to acknowledge them. They sang a note of relief.
“I was beginning to worry you had joined him while I was away,” they said. I've never heard them sound this sad. A new wave of guilt crashes over me as I realize that I've been neglecting my mate all this time.
“Adrian,” I start, “Im so sorr-”
They hold up a finger to hush me.
“You do not need to apologize. I understand what you are going through. I know how much he meant to you, and I wanted to give you time to grieve. But I'm worried about you, and can't help but want to do something to help you get through this.
So please, let me bear this pain with you. Tell me what's going on in your mind.”
- - -
It was raining in the biodome. I didn't like the rain, it made it extremely hard to hear, and everything was so slippery, especially in my xenonite suit. I didn't care about that right now though, I just needed to get to Grace. I stumbled and kicked through the sand, silently cursing myself for not having made an easier path in the case of emergencies.
When I arrived at his house, I didn't bother to knock. I barged in and ran straight into his bedroom. Grace was sitting on the floor with his back to the bedframe, sobbing into his hands. I have never seen him this upset over anything. Even when he was sure he was going to die in space, he tried to act like it didn't bother him as much as it did. So this was new.
“Grace, I'm here! One of the Biodome maintenance workers said they heard you crying, thought you were hurt and called me. I came as soon as I could, are you alright, question?”
Grace didn't even look up at me, he just continued to weep. A billion possibilities raced through my mind. Was he injured in any way? It didn't sound like he was, but it was still possible that he was in pain. Maybe he fell, or he was sick?
No, this was clearly some sort of emotional pain. I've never been very good with emotional stuff, but I have to at least attempt to comfort my best friend. I move closer to him and reach my hand out behind him to carefully stroke his back. Usually this does wonders to help cheer him up, but it doesn't appear to be working this time. He lunges forward and puts his entire bodies weight onto me (its not much, but still causes me to almost lose my footing between that and how slippery my suit is right now). He continues to cry onto me, hugging me tighter with every strained breath. I continue to rub his back.
After a while his sobbing wanes into a sniffle, to which I put two more of my arms around him and pull him into a hug. His breathing slows until it's at a more steady pace. Now's my time to ask.
“What is wrong? Did something happen, question?”
He doesn't respond at first, though I didn't really expect him to. I let him gather his thoughts for a minute.
“I'm sorry for worrying you- nothing happened, I just… I let myself think too long about something and I guess I just… It just all kind of came out at once, you know?” I can barely understand him with how strained his voice is. He must have been crying for a while before I arrived.
“Do you ever miss something that you know you can never have so much that it makes you sick?”
Oh. I think I know what this is about.
“Yes, I think I know that feeling. Felt it when alone at Tau Ceti. Wanted to see Adrian again, but knew I couldn't turn around empty handed. Cried many, many days.”
He sighs.
“I feel stupid for wanting it this bad. I should just accept that it's not going to happen and move on, but it's hard, you know?”
“This is about Earth isn't it, question?”
He tenses up a bit after I say that. He thinks it over for a minute.
“Yeah. Its about Earth.”
Okay, great! This is something I can actually fix! I was waiting to surprise him with this, but now seems like a better time.
“I have good good good news! Mary is almost done being repaired, and the Entities have agreed to refuel it if you wish to go back to Earth! You can go home, Grace. You don't have to worry about that any more,” I wipe one of his tears away. I expect him to be excited at this information, but he looks even sadder than he did a moment ago. Did I say something wrong? I'm about to ask, but he speaks first.
“Thanks bud. I'll think about it.”
- - -
I finish telling Adrian about my final conversation with Grace. I expect them to be upset at me. I don't know what exactly about, there's a lot to choose from. Maybe for leaving Grace on his deathbed, or for being gone for almost 3 months now, or for being in love with someone else. I almost wish that they would yell at me. To put me in my place after I've been a horrible friend and an even worse mate. But they don't. They put their hand in mine as they start to hum in an attempt to soothe me. But why? They should be angry with all I've done.
“Are you not mad at me? I’ve hurt you so much, I've ignored you and I just confessed to being in love with Grace. Why are you trying to comfort me?”
They consider this for a second, but continue to hum.
“Maybe I should be. But I know you well enough to know that you aren't trying to hurt me.
I have always known how much Grace meant to you. I've been worried for many years that when he passed that you would shut down. Grace had the same worries, it was something we talked about a few times. I knew this would be unbearable for you. I thought that giving you space was the right call, but I was wrong.
I don't blame you for being unable to move on so easily. I would be more concerned if you were. I just wish I were able to do more to lessen the pain you bear.”
“Arent you upset about my feelings towar-”
Adrian cuts me off with a chuckle.
“I’ve always suspected that you felt that way towards him. It's a little obvious, my love. It never upset me. I have heard about what you both went through. The two of you have a bond that I could never claim to fully grasp, and to be honest, I don't think I could've ever separated you, even if I had wanted to.”
I tuck my legs into my body. My joints scrape as I do. How long has it been since I last moved?
“You are far more kind to me than I deserve,” I say softly.
“You deserve more than what I can give you. You are a wonderful mate, and I just wish for you to be happy.”
I cant take this anymore. This praise feels so completely undeserved. Even if Adrian forgives me, that doesn't change what I put Grace through. I start to shake uncontrollably.
“How could you say I deserve anything after what I did to Grace? I could have told him how I felt, but it took me too long to even realize that I felt it. And I should have noticed how he felt, with as much time as I spent around him.
He probably assumed that I had noticed and just thought that I didn't care. I mean, what other explanation is there for how stupid I've been.
He gave me everything, and I couldn't even give him the one thing he ever actually wanted.
And he died thinking that I didn't love him.”
I was fully crying at this point. It was all just too much to bear.
“I made him think I didn't love him, and now I'll never be able to tell him the truth.”
The world felt like it was spinning around me.
Oh Grace.
I am so sorry
After everything we have been through together,
I cant even begin to imagine what was going through your mind
It must have felt like a betrayal
After everything you've gone through
…
“Do you really think that?”
They sound incredulous, but also disturbed.
“Rocky, you did nothing BUT love Grace.” They stand up so quickly that it startles me out of my stupor. They point at me.
“You two hadn't spent a full day apart since you MET, and you honestly think that he didn't know you loved him? You built him an entire biodome with a beach and weather. You made your suit for the sole purpose of being able to comfort him. You found him a teaching job to give him a feeling of purpose again. He knew you loved him. You gave him everything. You are the reason that he stayed on Erid. You are the reason he called this place home.”
“None of that matters. I wasn't there when he passed. He died thinking I didn't care.”
“No he didn't. I was standing right there when he spoke his last words.” Their voice wavered
“He was smiling. He smiled and told me that he was glad that he could be a part of your life. He knew that you loved him. I don't doubt it for a second. And I promise that all he wants from you now is to realize that.”
Its a long while before anything happens. The quiet lingers for a long time. I want to say something as a rebuttal, but nothing comes.
I sit in silence.
Adrian stands in silence.
Underneath the both of us, Grace lies in silence.
- - -
“Do you believe in the idea of soulmates?”
“Need word”
We are lounging in Grace’s living room. I have a xenonite sculpture I am working on, and Grace is crocheting a new cardigan after his old one started falling apart. I love these little moments we have together. After all the craziness that naturally comes with being the saviors of Erid, it's nice to be able to kick back and relax for a bit.
“Been a while since we needed a new word, huh. Uuh, so a soulmate is like a person that you have a cosmic sort of connection with. Someone that you are meant to be with. I think, something like that.”
I think about it for a moment. I'm not really the spiritual type, and don't believe in there being one fate that's supposed to happen. But on the other hand…
“Hard to say. Don’t believe in destiny or fate, but I think some people are naturally drawn to each other, who you can't separate. What you think, question?”
“I think it could be real. I don't like believing in fate either, but I also don't think it's a coincidence that we met.”
“What mean, question?”
“Well, isnt it kind of amazing that it just so happened that the 2 people that: 1. Got sent shot space and 2. Survived getting shot into space, get along so well? Like, insanely well.”
“Maybe. Never thought about it that way. Interesting theory though,” I chirp.
“Its not really a theory, just sort of fun to think about I guess. I don't know, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that. I'm just really glad I met you.”
“Grace”
“Yeah bud?”
“If I woke up tomorrow and had to do it all over again a hundred times just to get to see you again, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“... I can't believe how much of a sap you are.”
I chuckle
“Just don't tell Adrian, they'll never believe you.”
We laugh together. This really is such a perfect day. Any day with Grace is a perfect day.
- - -
I walk along the beach of Grace’s biodome for the first time in over 3 years. It still hurts to hear all of these familiar sounds when I know something so important is missing, but sometimes just the memories of him being here are enough to make it feel better. Almost.
Moving on hasn't been easy in the slightest. I still have many regrets and lots of guilt, but I don't feel as if I have to go through it alone anymore. Adrian has been so patient with me, I'm very lucky to have them as my mate. Though I still occasionally have days where I shut down. They're not as common anymore, but the first few months were rough. Still, they stood with me every time and helped me get back to a somewhat stable position. I don't think things will ever be the same without Grace. But things will be okay in the end.
Adrian is visiting their family at the moment, so it's the first time in a while that I've been alone. I've come to find out that I don't do well at all alone, so I'm here seeking out company. The sandy ground fades into dirt as I continue down the route to a very familiar spot. We never used to walk this far into the dome, we mostly just stuck to the beach. But this area is actually quite pretty. There are many different rocky structures that adorn the sides of the path. Whoever designed the biodome did a pretty great job if I don't say so myself. It doesn't take long before I reach my destination.
“Good morning, Grace, sorry its been so long” I say softly as I approach the square stone. I sit beside him and take out a needle and some yarn. I delicately place it on top of the stone, then take out my own project to work on.
Its a pretty nice day out.